God of Wonders beyond our galaxy

Lord of all Creation

of water, earth and sky

The heavens are Your tabernacle

Glory to the Lord on high

today, we learnt about the indescribable detail, incomprehensible numbers, and unfathomable structure of our universe. and that perhaps, is only called the "known" universe. what about the unknown?

today, we learnt that the earth - the blue planet - is but just one small speck tucked into a tiny miniscule corner of the Milky Way. Our galaxy in turn is but just a tiny subdivision of a subdivision which is part of our vast, vast universe.

but God still cares even if we're that small.

God of Wonders beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy!

The universe declares Your majesty

You are holy, holy!

Lord of Heaven and Earth

Lord of Heaven and Earth

today, we realise that the heavens are so vast and high that any ruler that could be invented here on earth would never be able to measure just how wide and deep is His love for us.

today, we realised that perhaps when we memorise a memory scripture, it's not pure accident that it comes alive in our minds when someone else reads it. it is the very God who jogs our memory and who can be that real amongst us.

today, we found out that perhaps this universe wasn't just created for us to live in, but to also display and "show off" the grandeur and majesty of our great God.

Early in the morning

I will celebrate in the light

and as I stumble in the darkness

I will call Your name by night

today, I choose to look beyond people, circumstances and problems. because I realise that since You can measure the span of the universe in your palm, all the things that trouble me are so minute already. You hold me in Your hand : )

today, I decide to look beyond the heavens and into a universe beyond my comprehension and even go beyond that and rest my eyes on the Cross. To fix my eyes on Calvary. The universe was created through Him - Jesus Christ.

God of Wonders beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy!

The universe declares Your majesty

You are holy, holy!

Lord of Heaven and Earth

Lord of Heaven and Earth

today, i will choose to believe that all is well. i have Your infinite love and immeasurable grace to depend on.

Indescribable, uncontainable

You placed the stars in the sky

and You know them by name

You are amazing God!

Indescribable, uncontainable

You see the depths of my heart

and You love me the same

You are amazing God!

We were meant to live for so much more

as i stare at my living room right now, i am reminded that this very living room was the same place where we stayed up 5 years ago keeping each other company while we waited for the time to come for me to leave for UK to study. that was 2005.

i remember taking that stupid video of the two of you at the forest reserve after our dip in the waterfall. you guys thought it was just a picture of the two of you mock-kissing, right?

i can never forget random ice cream or pizza feasts at your house.

those days when all we wanted was for people to know God and love them for who they were.

jump shots. our best thing that we always did to the best : )

the countless minutes we spend calculating bills because we always eat in groups of almost 15 to 20 people.

praying in the room in my apartment every Saturday morning at 10am.

bluffing me into eating durian ice cream and I thought it was mango instead >,,<

learning to eat crab properly and failing :p

the stupid obstacle course and awesome paintball.

loving Switchfoot because what they sang about was our generation's lifesong.

blasting music in your kancil and rockin' our socks off to the beat : )

your beef strips that are always to die for p:

using your photo as an icon to replace your name on msn

i want to keep this list going on. forever.

it's what me, me. and you, you.

but well, the door of new possibilities has also opened.

God, help me choose.

Thank You, Lord.

this week has been an interesting week of sorts.

we started report card day week and so far so good, eh kids *wink*

i am reminded throughout this whole week of just how important communication is.

I realise that no matter which stage of life you are in, communication is still as important.

as one student remarked about parents,

"maybe they should study that elective, you know - Essentials of Communications?"

i couldn't help but chuckle.

you know what, kiddo?

i think not just parents, but everyone included. myself too : )

I realised that this week, thanks to someone pointing out to me, that just how much we hide behind our internet world. In the past, before Facebook statuses, MSN statuses and Twitter and blogs existed, human beings had no platform where they could just express their real thoughts and feelings. In the past, we could only choose between saying what we really feel in person, or just keeping quiet about it.

However now, there's a third platform where we deposit our true selves.

But I wonder if having that third platform is really that good or really that bad? Words can be traded there, left there and dumped there. Sometimes we delude ourselves to believe that that platform has no consequences and we can just say what we can there and cheat ourselves.

it can be misunderstood.

it can hurt.

it can create confusion.

it can make things worse.

it can cause reactions.

the biggest challenge is to remain consistent online and offline.

aside from that, meeting up on Thursday with an old friend has been enlightening as always for we sat there for almost 4 hours for our dinner and proceeded to catch up with things in our lives, happenings and observations. I had my thoughts picked and dissected and analysed until my head hurt with the whir of ideas that were deposited.

what did i learn from that session?

to embrace who i am.

to realise that as much as they are individuals, i am one too.

to practice what i preach.

to understand that i have things in me that most definitely freak people out : )

to remember that in everything that happens, there is a reason even if i don't see it now

to remember to bring books the next time :p

i shall end this post with the thank you's since i haven't done it in quite a while...

thank you for always listening to me rant and rave, you're aweshum.

thank you for those reminders that I should behave.

thank you for doing so well in maths, i'm proud of ya.

thank you for trying, because it matters.

thank you for smiling because it cheers me up.

thank you for spazzing because it makes me laugh.

thank you for your advice, even if it made me cry.

thank you for liking my statuses, it makes me feel less lonely.

thank you for noticing that i'm stressed.

thank you for reminding me to tidy my table, though i never do it right away.

thank you for stopping to listen even if you know you might not like it.

thank you for being a friend.

thank you for the whoopie pie : )

thank you for deciding to be a leader and planning things.

thank you for giving your best in your studies without me saying much.

thank you for bringing in my ice lemon tea.

thank you for filing.

thank you for accepting me.

everyday I wake I sing Your song,

its the anthem of my life.

i like to make myself believe

i almost believed in what i told myself this morning.

to let things go. to let things just sink into nothingness.

i almost decided to just face the facts and accept life as it is.

i nearly silenced my heartbeat as i surveyed my condition and wanted to give up.

then i remembered the "psalm" that i wrote in those times of crossroads.

Five years ago, I wrote something that was borne out of my desperation and struggles.

Remove not these emotions that you have placed within me

since the day I was created

Remove not the capability to feel happiness, hope,

determination, patience, love and thanksgiving

Remove not the capacity to feel compassion,

to feel that prick of my conscience to do good and justice instead of evil

But most of all,

remove not the ability to cry when sadness sees fit for tears,

remove not the ability to feel sorrowful, confused and lost at times

when my emotions seem to tether

between reality and a self-conjured wall of security

Remove not the yearning to be the person you want me to be and even more than that,

remove not the urge to make a difference in this life and

banish notions of wanting to just exist, breathe and eat

remove not these feelings that give me a personality and character

That I may never lose the gift you have placed within me

the difference that separates me from the animals and plants

You have given me a soul that is capable

of feeling the good and also the bad

a soul that rages against the unfairness of life

a soul that weeps when it is afflicted

a soul that learns day by day to depend on you for renewal, restoration and redemption

Remove not the part of me that makes me human, my friend

Remove not my feelings despite the pain because without the pain,

I would not have learnt to reach for you for comfort and unfailing love

Remove not these feelings for they become the stepping stones for me

stairways to honesty and acknowledgement of the times when I fail

that you were there to accept the wretched fool that I am

Remove them not, my friend

remove them not

today has been a day of peace for the first time.

no inner storms, no inner battles to put to silence.

i am at rest because the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus.

who.am.i.

one man's meat may be another man's poison they say.

what seems to foster faith seems to fuel doubt in some.

doubt seems to be shunned and despised more than welcomed.

when i am in the dark, i learn to depend on something far greater that i cannot possibly see.

i remember just worshiping and playing in the dark 3 years ago, not caring if the electricity or water would come. it was a time of abandon, sinking into that feeling that i was being carried on angels' wings while adoring the One. who knew when the utilities would be back?

all i knew was that He would come.

if we could trust everything, believe everything and be so sure of everything, surely faith would not need to play an active part in our lives anymore.

sometimes, we just cheat ourselves when we think we know it all.

when things are going wrong in any possible way, what does a person do?

are we like Job? All covered with scales and boils?

are we a totally repulsive sight to those around us?

have any of us endured being judged, ridiculed and commented upon by well meaning people? theyreasoned with our logic and gave us long prescriptions on how to behave, think and feel.

should we just curse ourselves and tell God that we were never meant to be created?

does He have a better chance with other people compared to us?

should i say that life is wretched and though I curse God not, I still think i am better off dead? Then perhaps it should please God to blast me with His awesome glory, boom out His inanswereable questions and ask me to answer them on His behalf.

who am I to be able to create the heavens and the earth?

who am I to be able to even form a tiny worm or a great oak tree?

who am I to be able to call together the clouds and create a furious storm or even a gentle rain?

who am I to question His will in every single matter that is under His eye in this universe that i live in?

i am a flower quickly fading,

here today and gone tomorrow;

wave tossed in the ocean,

a vapor in the wind

i can't question it and neither can anyone. it's a season where things are changing for the better in the eyes of God. although things look so messed up now currently, but there is a certain peace that comes from within knowing that i see something that i've never seen before.

even now, the song is playing in my mind,

but still You, hear me when I'm calling

Lord, you catch me when I'm falling

and told me who I am

I am Yours

is this 2009 all over again? where i burn my bridges, set them alight to see them break down, turn into ashes and be blown away to never come again?

some bridges were built with blood, sweat and tears.

shall i let them go and turn my back on those structures?

do i build new bridges to lead to other destinations?

do i look to the Master Builder for new blueprints? not a bridge this time?

whom shall I fear, whom shall I fear?

for I am Yours

I am Yours

its a major blackout this time

my thoughts are snippets of reflection. forgive the inconsistent time frame or point of reference.

*snip*

friends don't take breaks from each other in the fashion you describe. if we were so driven on taking breaks however brief they are, in order to settle a situation... when do we come back from our breaks and shake off the awkwardness?

until the person changes? is that how it works in fellowship? no tolerance? wow.

i think there is no room for doubt anymore in the gospel that you preach. face it.

you disgust me.

*snip*

you gotta drop to rock bottom before you understand what it means to be in the dark. if its beyond you, give a bit of empathy if a person has given their complete three mites knowing that Jesus is watching the heart.

*snip*

i'm tired of playing tug of war with you. sometimes, i wonder if i'm on the verge of spoiling you with the attention i give in the name of trying to be your friend. sometimes, i feel like snapping and scolding. i feel like stabbing myself for even caring when all i get in return is faint acknowledgements of my existence. on top of that, the occasional reminder that i'm not allowed to penetrate and see the real you.

but somehow, i still do care. and i do love you.

can we work on what we have?

i know you can and you will one day stop saying you can't.

*snip*

i am amused how from one status update the instant conclusion is first to lay blame upon Satan for everything. i cherish the intention to care but sometimes, i utterly despise that fact that we give so much credit to this eternal battle of good and evil when sometimes, just plainly put...

HUMANS ARE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR SCREW UPS TOO

*chuckles*

*snip*

i realise that teenagers have this awesome common sense. sure they might sound a tad childish, but then again... who says they need to give that up? i totally love you Sophira, Roanne and Lydia Chang for being there for me in moments that mattered and in moments where others thought it didn't matter.

i know we'll be always in touch even though you've grown up a bit more and moved onto college/uni!

*snip*

we need the dark as much as being in the light. take a close look at your bible and you'll find that all the heros of faith in there went through more seasons of darkness than ever.

love the psalms? look at them again and you'll realise that David also poured his heart out as a real human being before a real God. he didn't mince his words. he didn't disguise his disgust at injustice. he didn't mask his doubt.

he came right before God and gave God his best and worst.

david, you rock ; )

*snip*

i feel that i'm a pilgrim of sort. taking short breaks here and there. abandoning the things that i'm supposed to do just to take those solitaire sojourns to discover some deeper truths and unlearn some lessons that were meant to be seen in another angle or perspective.

just that sometimes, it'd be nice if Mr. Someone was there in that sojourn. but its ok, we'll get there someday, won't we : )

*snip*

thank you for being the friend who can understand me.

sometimes, you're the only friend who could ever understand me.

these past few days have been worth screaming about, especially today.

*snip*

i blacked out while driving. darn scary stuff.

i blacked out while turning out of the junction after dropping my student home in Kepong. That blackout nearly had me ramming into another car that was turning in the junction as i was turning out. another occasion i remember was accelerating, blacking out and coming back to consciousness just in time to slam the brakes to stop myself from running into the car in front of me.

i started praying and slapping myself to stay conscious. i was drifting in and out of a haze as i drove home, hoping i would not kill myself while driving fast to reach home faster. i did crazy zig zags and on a few occasions near to ramming some cars in the lane next to me.

for once, i wished i had someone else to take the wheel. i had to drive and scream at myself in the car to keep myself awake at one point and go... WAKE UP, STAY AWAKE, DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES!!! made it home. slept for an hour in the car park before crawling into bed and immediately sleeping until 10pm at night.

*snip*

i'm tired. so tired of who you are and who you are becoming.

you are so selfish to a point that you only choose what you want and forget.

but it doesn't matter because all you've done so far has made me realise that i shouldn't have wasted my time in believing that i have a friend in you.

today was the day, when i needed you and i decided not to call you because i've already come to believe that you wouldn't have come anyway.

for your information, i never regretted the words i said, the things i did and the times we've been through.

*snip*

blackout. i'm waiting for the lights to be turned on again.

Simon of Cyrene

the sound of the whip slashes the air and cuts into his flesh.

a moan of pain escapes his lips, wrist-clenching, jaw clenching.

as I stand from the sidelines and survey this grotesque scenario unfolding before my eyes. I am shocked and disgusted to see the Romans literally tear apart this man like wild dogs tearing apart a carcass.

only this time, the carcass isn't dead yet to be one.

the crowd is filled with whispers and gasps of shock like mine.

who is he?

what did he do to deserve this?

is he really the Son of God?

some spit and snarl in contempt.

blasphemy deserves judgement.

who would dare to take the name of God as his own?

blasphemy! demon!

but the man who is torn apart before my very eyes, looks nothing like a demon.

a rag doll maybe?

I shake my head and grimace as I see those metal hooks dig into his ribs and yank out another chunk of flesh. the smell of blood and sweat is unnerving, even nauseating. I need to get out of this place. I have no part of witnessing man at his worst. As I turn and try to push my way through the crowd, a Roman guard spots me from the arena and he points his bloodied whip at me.

You there!

who me? don't call me

Yes, you! The one who is walking away!

what? what do you want to do with me?

the man needs help to carry his cross. why me?

of all people... pick someone else. not me. i don't even know who he is.

do it.

and here i am now. struggling under the massive weight of a wooden cross.

the man who gasped next to me, with blood dripping from his head.

before they sent him to carry the cross, he had some "royal treatment" - crown of thorns rudely wrapped around his head and a purple robe around as a mockery.

we never spoke a word. Just breathing alone would have cost him so much of strength. as we trudged up to the hill, my mind raced with questions. i did have an opportunity to ask him up close who he really was.

did you lie about who you are?

are you really who you claim to be?

if yes, why are you in such a pathetic state?

why not show your glory or majesty?

but somehow, silence was more fitting for the two of us.

finally. we're here. the guards pushed me aside and proceeded to drag the man onto the cross. he's so weak that he can't even lift himself up. His body is ridden with fresh wounds and cuts. He hardly looks human to me anymore.

"...he was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with the deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care."

Isaiah said that. He foretold that the Savior would not come in his kingly robes, but rather be a man of sorrows.

could he be the one?

the guards stretch his arms and legs across that wooden cross. the clink of nails.

the women wail and cry because they know what is next.

as the first nail drives in and blood spurts out, i wonder was it worth going through all this? would a normal man put himself through shame and suffering?

the second nails crunches through. his face is already contorted with so much pain. his body shivers and shakes with the agony.

who are you Jesus?

They lift up the cross and present the Roman Guard's latest specimen of shame. The one whom Pilate washed his hands off. The one whom his own countrymen spat on and ridiculed. The one whom was sold for 20 pieces of silver by Judas to the High Priest.

Jesus. Son of Joseph the Carpenter and Mary.

Jesus. Master of the disciples.

Jesus, Son of God?

my emotions suddenly rise within me. as i question myself who is this Jesus to me.

did he really come to save me as he claimed to all of Jerusalem?

what if its true?

dear friends, it's Good Friday. Most of us are celebrating it as a holiday. But this day was bought with the price of blood and shame.

Jesus died not just for me, but for you as well. And if you've been at a point or are now at a point where you question your existence, you are wondering if Jesus really is the Son of God. Do ponder and think. But don't just stop there!

Talk to someone. Talk to a friend you can trust who knows who Jesus is. Search the Bible (there are loads of online bibles to be read for free). I even challenge you to talk to a pastor, since they're just normal people like you and I.

But would you consider this? To open your heart just once and ask God to talk to you. He doesn't just talk to Christians, His heart is always ready and open to everyone on this earth. The bible says, call upon His name and you will be saved. And God is ready to come in and be your God today.

Jesus suffered the Cross, endured shame for all of us. But He didn't just die and the story ends. He rose again on Sunday and that's why we celebrate Easter. Nothing really to do with Easter eggs and the Easter bunny. Jesus wasn't so commercial! He was committed to save you and I.

God bless you.