its a major blackout this time

my thoughts are snippets of reflection. forgive the inconsistent time frame or point of reference.

*snip*

friends don't take breaks from each other in the fashion you describe. if we were so driven on taking breaks however brief they are, in order to settle a situation... when do we come back from our breaks and shake off the awkwardness?

until the person changes? is that how it works in fellowship? no tolerance? wow.

i think there is no room for doubt anymore in the gospel that you preach. face it.

you disgust me.

*snip*

you gotta drop to rock bottom before you understand what it means to be in the dark. if its beyond you, give a bit of empathy if a person has given their complete three mites knowing that Jesus is watching the heart.

*snip*

i'm tired of playing tug of war with you. sometimes, i wonder if i'm on the verge of spoiling you with the attention i give in the name of trying to be your friend. sometimes, i feel like snapping and scolding. i feel like stabbing myself for even caring when all i get in return is faint acknowledgements of my existence. on top of that, the occasional reminder that i'm not allowed to penetrate and see the real you.

but somehow, i still do care. and i do love you.

can we work on what we have?

i know you can and you will one day stop saying you can't.

*snip*

i am amused how from one status update the instant conclusion is first to lay blame upon Satan for everything. i cherish the intention to care but sometimes, i utterly despise that fact that we give so much credit to this eternal battle of good and evil when sometimes, just plainly put...

HUMANS ARE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR SCREW UPS TOO

*chuckles*

*snip*

i realise that teenagers have this awesome common sense. sure they might sound a tad childish, but then again... who says they need to give that up? i totally love you Sophira, Roanne and Lydia Chang for being there for me in moments that mattered and in moments where others thought it didn't matter.

i know we'll be always in touch even though you've grown up a bit more and moved onto college/uni!

*snip*

we need the dark as much as being in the light. take a close look at your bible and you'll find that all the heros of faith in there went through more seasons of darkness than ever.

love the psalms? look at them again and you'll realise that David also poured his heart out as a real human being before a real God. he didn't mince his words. he didn't disguise his disgust at injustice. he didn't mask his doubt.

he came right before God and gave God his best and worst.

david, you rock ; )

*snip*

i feel that i'm a pilgrim of sort. taking short breaks here and there. abandoning the things that i'm supposed to do just to take those solitaire sojourns to discover some deeper truths and unlearn some lessons that were meant to be seen in another angle or perspective.

just that sometimes, it'd be nice if Mr. Someone was there in that sojourn. but its ok, we'll get there someday, won't we : )

*snip*

thank you for being the friend who can understand me.

sometimes, you're the only friend who could ever understand me.

these past few days have been worth screaming about, especially today.

*snip*

i blacked out while driving. darn scary stuff.

i blacked out while turning out of the junction after dropping my student home in Kepong. That blackout nearly had me ramming into another car that was turning in the junction as i was turning out. another occasion i remember was accelerating, blacking out and coming back to consciousness just in time to slam the brakes to stop myself from running into the car in front of me.

i started praying and slapping myself to stay conscious. i was drifting in and out of a haze as i drove home, hoping i would not kill myself while driving fast to reach home faster. i did crazy zig zags and on a few occasions near to ramming some cars in the lane next to me.

for once, i wished i had someone else to take the wheel. i had to drive and scream at myself in the car to keep myself awake at one point and go... WAKE UP, STAY AWAKE, DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES!!! made it home. slept for an hour in the car park before crawling into bed and immediately sleeping until 10pm at night.

*snip*

i'm tired. so tired of who you are and who you are becoming.

you are so selfish to a point that you only choose what you want and forget.

but it doesn't matter because all you've done so far has made me realise that i shouldn't have wasted my time in believing that i have a friend in you.

today was the day, when i needed you and i decided not to call you because i've already come to believe that you wouldn't have come anyway.

for your information, i never regretted the words i said, the things i did and the times we've been through.

*snip*

blackout. i'm waiting for the lights to be turned on again.