i like to make myself believe

i almost believed in what i told myself this morning.

to let things go. to let things just sink into nothingness.

i almost decided to just face the facts and accept life as it is.

i nearly silenced my heartbeat as i surveyed my condition and wanted to give up.

then i remembered the "psalm" that i wrote in those times of crossroads.

Five years ago, I wrote something that was borne out of my desperation and struggles.

Remove not these emotions that you have placed within me

since the day I was created

Remove not the capability to feel happiness, hope,

determination, patience, love and thanksgiving

Remove not the capacity to feel compassion,

to feel that prick of my conscience to do good and justice instead of evil

But most of all,

remove not the ability to cry when sadness sees fit for tears,

remove not the ability to feel sorrowful, confused and lost at times

when my emotions seem to tether

between reality and a self-conjured wall of security

Remove not the yearning to be the person you want me to be and even more than that,

remove not the urge to make a difference in this life and

banish notions of wanting to just exist, breathe and eat

remove not these feelings that give me a personality and character

That I may never lose the gift you have placed within me

the difference that separates me from the animals and plants

You have given me a soul that is capable

of feeling the good and also the bad

a soul that rages against the unfairness of life

a soul that weeps when it is afflicted

a soul that learns day by day to depend on you for renewal, restoration and redemption

Remove not the part of me that makes me human, my friend

Remove not my feelings despite the pain because without the pain,

I would not have learnt to reach for you for comfort and unfailing love

Remove not these feelings for they become the stepping stones for me

stairways to honesty and acknowledgement of the times when I fail

that you were there to accept the wretched fool that I am

Remove them not, my friend

remove them not

today has been a day of peace for the first time.

no inner storms, no inner battles to put to silence.

i am at rest because the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus.