dear Claire

Dear Claire,

It will probably take you a few years or more to be able to read this : )

Welcome to our world! Specifically Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia! You were born in the midst of anticipation, expectation and rejoicing, you know? we've been waiting for you for the past almost 10 months.

You not only have a Daddy and a Mommy to love you to bits, you've also gotten yourself a whole kampung of uncles and aunties who have already loved you in our hearts even before you were born. Though you're just a few hours old and breathing in the oxygen around you for the first time, we've been waiting to see your cute face for months!

I pray that you will grow up in wisdom and stature and gain favor from those around you.

I pray that God surrounds you with angels to protect you from any harm.

I pray that you will grow up strong and healthy.

I pray that you will never lack, but have all abundance.

Seeing you in a small bundle there, occasionally smirking, raising your eyebrows and smiling was so awesome! The best part was when the nurse wheeled you out of the baby room and we saw you out in the open for the first time... you even obliged us by opening up your eyes to survey your surroundings. Boy, you must have heard a huge chorus of voices and wondered what was the fuss about. Did you notice that we were taking pictures and videos of you?

One day, when you're old enough, I'm going to show you all the pictures of you and tell you how much we love you : )

Dearest baby Claire, you're having your first good night wish from your aunty Catherine :D there are many more days, months and years of watching you grow up into the person God wants you to be. I am looking forward to seeing how you'll be a part of your parents' lives and also for the rest of us as well!

You are loved. So loved. Good night, Claire. Sweet dreams and sleep tight, dear : )

love you, Claire darling : )

true colours

"Friendships are complicated!"

That's basically what someone told me today. I wanted so much to correct her and be all grown-up like and say that things are simple, don't over-exaggerate. But as I paused and surveyed this more than 10 years younger than me creature, I realise that I'm not any different from her.

Complications are a result of a world of imperfection. And friendship is really one of those things that make or break a person be it teenager, young adult, parents, grandparents, strangers, foreigners, teachers, accountants, doctors, road sweepers, mailmen...

Friendships matter.

The constant fear that threatens your mind with things like whether the friend you are talking to really IS a friend, is anyone talking behind your back lately, do people accept you for who you really are, are you being used, do you match up to the group's standards, loneliness, fear of rejection...

This is to you because when you said that you were worried/scared if people would be talking behind your back. You are scared because you are afraid that they might be nice in front of you, but behind you they really don't like you at all.

Let me admit something. I share that same fear.

But time and circumstances have proven that if I strike out and have a little bit of faith and realise that in order to find out, I have to take a deep breath and make a move into the deeper end where lies unknown things and people.

I'm scared of friendships at the moment. Really I am.

But we all need to be honest with ourselves.

I've found out that if I can look beyond who I am and trust God and believe that He knows what He's doing, I can rest assured that I'm heading in the right direction for my life.

Yes, I am feeling that same dread threatening to engulf me. The week has been interesting in the friendship department for a lot of people, not just myself. Here's a song where I always think of when I feel like things are overwhelming.

True Colours (Cyndi Lauper)

You with the sad eyes don't be discouraged

Oh I realize, it's hard to take courage

In a world full of people you can lose sight of it all

And the darkness inside you can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors shining through

I see your true colors and that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me a smile then, don't be unhappy

Can't remember when I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear

You call me up because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors shining through

I see your true colors and that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors are beautiful

Like a rainbow

finally

the working week for the very first time has gone by so slow. what? it's only Tuesday today?

that's how slow it feels for me now.

but perhaps by reducing the speed of things, it has given me a backseat amidst the hustle and bustle. it has given me time to think. it has given me time to pause and survey my surroundings and also to peek deep within myself and ask myself some very real questions about my current circumstances.

i am born an emotional person. things or people come and depending on what or who, they both affect me dramatically.

you should learn to love yourself more and forget about things that bog you down.

this has been going through my mind since Sunday night until now. the questions that were screaming inside of my mind, the doubts and voices of self-rejection were just too much to bear. all of it, was just too much to the point where i woke up this morning with a nauseating migraine that threatened to blur my vision.

honestly, i didn't want to go to work today. but somehow, i managed to make it.

during breakfast i read a book and what caught my attention the most was the word "faith". Faith is something you see played out in friendships, whereby if a person is late for an appointment, you would assume the person was held up by a punctured tyre, or an accident or something unforseen. This is based on your relationship with that particular person and you trust them enough (through the years of interaction) that he/she is not purposely late for the appointment. You assume the best of the person because you trust him/her.

and perhaps faith is the answer to all things. in fact, it is : )

that if indeed i believe that a friendship that can endure hardships and celebrate triumphs, then indeed the current circumstances is just yet another round of tempering and making it stronger. how it turns out, doesn't really matter anymore, because i trust and have faith that all things work out for the good, the greater good. and of course, i have faith in the friendship, because if i didn't, then it would mean that i was never sincere in my part of the bargain already.

does that mean, i've dealt with the matter? the previous post sounds so emo, doesn't it? i've prayed, talked to God about it and after that, my migraine disappeared. to me, it is a sign that i did in a way deal with the issue, because a certain amount of stress did disappear from my mind.

Aa the days have been slowly progressing, i've agonised, cried, wondered and pondered and found peace at last.

yet, i am still sad. but somehow, there is peace amidst the tears. it doesn't seem to make sense, but perhaps faith lies in that valley of sadness at times. life's journey is such that at that busy intersection, you stand with a few people. the light changes colour, and everyone moves on to their destinations. some move with you, some move away from you. it's life. then all of a sudden, we detour from our paths and you find yourself standing with some familiar people again at a red light.

in the midst of my tears, i remembered one thing.

what we have is fellowship, not just friendship.

it's something that's eternal and more valuable than

the usual hi, bye and lets have dinner together.

fellowship means we uphold each other's faith, support each other when needed

and trust one another despite the circumstances.

that's what we have. fellowship.

wouldn't exchange it for anything else : )

hey mom, why didn't you tell me?

i could say so many things to describe what is going on inside of me.

i could use as fluent, as colourful, as descriptive, and as brutal the words that are begging to be released, if only to stem the momentary emotions that threaten to overwhelm me.

i could and i can exercise that right even as i am typing these words right now.

did it hurt? of course it did. i would be a liar if i didn't admit that part.

am i upset? no doubt about it.

alot of reasons were given, communication established finally only to result in it ending abruptly.

one mess up, one moment of giving into weakness and it calls for an end of things.

the world is indeed a very real place.

the world is indeed full of disappointment.

was i wrong to ever invest my time and energy in this?

i still don't think so because i saw the growth and the expansion that perhaps some parties overlooked. you're not as bad as you think you are, and i'm proud of you thus far : )

i decide to still care.

i decide to still love.

i decide to still fight for what is right and believe in ideals that i try to discard.

i decide to still believe that nothing goes to waste.

paths have crossed and perhaps i'm no longer standing on that same intersection with the same people. the lights have switched and we move on our separate ways.

its the highways and the byways for me from now on.

let's call for a toast for the world's biggest fool.

i never gave up on anything until now

but others may go as they please.

i refuse to change my ideals

friends will always be friends to me

yesterday, today and the days to come

that's the end of the bargain i'm willing to keep

spot, focus, snap

snap goes my camera, the satisfying sound of the lens shutter clicking away thrills me.

As I focus on yet another subject, it could be a child splashing water in the pool, a stray pink cloud in the evening sky, star shaped flowers in my condominium... it doesn't matter.

as long as i get to capture that moment and relish it forever.

life on earth is short and the moments that matter to me the most will be the moments I try to capture the best I can with a camera. there is a certain awe that exudes itself in nature, a certain calm behind observing those majestic moments of the sunset sparkling and peeking over clouds and between leaves.

you will seldom find me in pictures with people. i am so much more comfortable taking down scenes and occasions because those moments warm my heart. i love jump shots, "ugly face" photos and special occasions like birthdays and weddings. i celebrate those moments by immortalising them all in a click and snap. the pictures of my loved ones remind me that there are moments of rejoicing where i can look back and smile, knowing that the journey i am on is not a solitary one.

i usually go through my whole year by clicking through pictures i've taken. So far for the year 2010 i've taken more than 3500 shots already and i believe by June it would have hit at least 7k or 8k shots : ) but the quantity can never be above quality. being the perfectionist, i am never satisfied with just one shot. i hope that one day, it will become a profession. But i know, i am so far from being professional with the type of shots i'm currently taking.

but it has been a fulfilling two months plus of exploring what photo taking can yield, not just that, but also the editting that i have come to enjoy : ) i am anticipating what I can do even more with what i already know and see how far i can push myself to improve.

Lord, guide me in this area. I really want it not to be "just another hobby".

Have Your will in this area.

Amen.

according to you

i wonder why whenever i see something happy around me, i get hit by it.
it's obvious i'm not jealous, just perhaps a little envious.
just perhaps a little wishful, hoping that i could have had a life like that.

sometimes, i wonder if all the investment and the effort is worth it.
there are those moments when i question myself if i should even care.
even now, i realise that at times, i am the biggest fool before the whole world
and even myself for that matter.

things are just so fake.
people are not what they seem.
situations turn out to be opposite of what you expect at times.
that sick feeling in your gut is unmistakable.

just get out of my sight.
in the end, what you wanted was temporary and you were looking for something else.
the ugly truth is, i was never. i just wasn't ever :'(

so what...

but according to Him, i'm beautiful and incredible

but they can't take that away from me

this weekend drew to an end pretty fast, things whirred by and i can hardly remember in detail what i said or did. but one thing is for sure, i'm once again caught by surprise and amazed by what is undiscovered about the people around me.

On Thursday during the field trip, i realised that people can actually come alive when the correct topic is found : ) you totally blew away my first impression and its reminded me again that looks can be deceiving and its those "supposedly" quiet ones who take you by surprise all the time.

i love the fact that underneath it all, there's a personality just waiting to be awakened. after talking to some young people..ok wait... younger people... *chuckle* i rediscover the meaning of having dreams.

photographer. movie director. musician. doctor. businessman. writer. composer...

the list goes on. the ability to dream and to yearn to do something that they are passionate about is the strength of a youth.

the capacity to imagine things and to live with that idealistic dream, it is beautiful.

i have nothing against MTV, teen pop, movies and such... but i admire those who dare to be different and not follow the usual mould of culture and peer pressure. there are many who want to be something else while they're working in a job that they probably aren't alive in.

do you want to be in a career you aren't excited about? don't even go there ><

there is nothing wrong about listening to music that isn't radio friendly.

there is nothing wrong choosing a career that isn't parent-friendly.

there is nothing wrong to stand up and speak up even though it's not peer-friendly.

there is definitely nothing wrong with being the person God made you to be : )

but it is wrong if you don't allow yourself to dream.

it is horribly wrong if you can't be free to express your opinion.

it is very wrong if you believe that what you are passionate about is weird.

it is SO wrong if you won't let the real you arise and shine.

(i still think about being a writer. the satisfaction of being able to produce something that will encourage minds to ponder and think has never left me. i miss those days at YouthQuake where we would churn out ideas, lines and ways to write a story. It was stressful and we wonder why we allowed ourselves living hell, but at the end of the day I would never have swapped the experience with a boring 9 to 5 job in an office cubicle.)

this weekend has really made me think. alot.

about remembering the things i set out to do. the dreams i have been dreaming about so far. the future plans i have for myself and photography :p

there's no limit to age when you come to think about it. because the most important thing is the mindset and perspective we have within us. if we give in to situations, we'll never move forward on our own accord. We'd be too scared or too shy to embrace some risks and possibilities that could open up a whole new world to us.

don't be held back by reservations.

just dare to make a move and the rest will just start rolling.

thank you kiddoes... for reminding me that the future is full of possibility and promise.

thank you for your passion for life and that appreciation for the little things that count.

thank you all for being an inspiration.

thank you for not being afraid to express yourselves, stay that way : )

they can say anything they want to say

try to bring me down

but i will not allow

anyone to succeed

hanging clouds over me

gotta take a little time

i wonder if you hurt tonight?

i wonder if you get engulfed in fears and have no way to escape?

i've been emo for the past 2 days and i didn't really tell anyone in detail why.

somehow, i know these things shouldn't get to me because i have put them behind me.

but i'm only human.

i have feelings.

and yes, it does hurt.

perhaps you never saw it and perhaps you never knew it mattered that much to me.

but tonight, i just wish you'd read this and understand that life doesn't revolve around just one person. it's much bigger than that. the world is made to contain other kind of things as well.

you call it sad? then am i to be called sad as well?

i could have laughed out loud right at your face that time.

but i didn't.

because it hurt too much.

but i know that things are more to what the eye can behold. i will hold firm to the promise that this is a season of change. most of the time change involves hurt and if i must hurt, in order to change, then so be it.

Lord, I'm available.