just to prove a point ; ) that since Dec, it has always been there. and no, i'm not aiming it at you. if you take offense, i wasn't planning to get mad anyways. so chill.
16/12/08
can anyone hear the scream inside of me?
would you? could you? can you?
or do you even want to?
I know the right answer at the right time. I know what it means to "fill in the blanks". I know what is the reason. But somehow, asking for the obvious reason hurts more than mulling over it now.
I would rather be emo now. I would rather be confused and angry now. I would rather be all of this and be called immature than to actually talk about it because it somehow makes the wound even deeper and pushes reconciliation and reason even further out of the window.
I would rather leave. I would rather be forever branded as the person "who didn't understand". I would rather run away, leave things as they are and never look back. I would rather be all of that than to live a lie. I would rather be called with names and given labels than to open my mouth and give an excuse that I know my heart doesn't believe in.
My apologies. If you don't know what I'm talking about, please don't console me and tell me "things will work out somehow" or that "God would make a way". Don't give me that Sunday school nonsense because I know it better than anyone could. Don't patronise me and tell me that it is biblical and that by humbling myself I will find grace and promotion when the time comes. Don't give me that crap. And no, I am not insulting God's word. Please don't think you know me well enough to put a label on my words and actions. I am not that easily analysed.
But if you do know what I'm talking about then please... allow me to be in this moment. I don't know how long I would be in it. I'm not asking for pity, I'm not asking for attention. I'm not asking for a long lecture. I'm not asking for Bible verses.
I'm asking for someone to understand what it means when i say...
i feel like screaming.
18/12/08
things just started to get...
... interesting. hmph.
somehow I should have listened to my instincts and delved less. But having said that, I'm glad my suspicions were confirmed. Somehow, there is room to give thanks that it came to me earlier and not later.
life started to get interesting at 9pm last night. it really did :)
normally if i read about this kind of things, I would respond with a chuckle and marvel at the human intellect and decision-making process. But when you become the subject of interest, it just loses the humour.
i'm in the midst of rediscovering self-introspection and humouring myself over it.
God, strength is something that I always lack when I come to these things. Not once have you disappointed those who believe in you. I believe there's a reason behind eveything that you allow to happen on planet earth.
let your will be done in my life.
but well... if I take a few months to understand, be convicted and really live out the courage I know you are preparing for me to apply to my life in 2009... will you accept my whining, complaining, procrastinating and stubborness?
so i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands and pray
to be only Yours, I pray
to be only Yours
I know now
You're my only hope
27/12/08
it's been 9 nine days since you know and I prayed and hoped that it would go away or somehow I would get over things...
...but i can't. I just can't.
everytime I think about it, an ache comes. Disappointment and sadness creep in and tears come. sometimes, I wonder if I'm that strong person God said He'd destined me to be.
Because at this time, I feel anything but strong.
At this hour, I feel anything but peaceful.
At this very minute, I feel anything but joy.
I'm still hurt. I still can't find a reason to justify stuff that has happened and how the stuff had happened. It just makes things worse because at this point of time, I'm beginning to start imagining how life would be if I decided not to care of anything.
I haven't been caring for 9 days, will it continue more than that?
I don't know. I don't really care to find out as well.
There's no use trying to be all nice and warm all of a sudden when I know it usually isn't as nice as that. It just rubs it in all the more and reminds me that things are screwed up at the moment.
I don't think 31st is a day I'll be very sociable.
31/12/08
its just less than 2 hours before the new year arrives. somehow, this year there's no anticipation as of old for me. i am looking forward to 2009 because school's reopening and i get to see all my kiddies again... but surprisingly...
...that's about it.
things have fizzled out to be quite interesting for the month of December. I've probably said that like a few thousand times already in some of my previous posts :P
i am deciding to stop playing church. somehow at one point, I'm going to wake up in the morning and loathe my face. because staring back at me is someone that I hardly know now for the past one month.
i've regained a cynical side of me that I thought I'd banished. yes, the christian explanation is, "...oh, it's your past hurts and wounds resurfacing... it's from the devil... it's rejection speaking...etc"
its not past its P-R-E-S-E-N-T hurts okay, dawg? Is it feelings of being rejected causing me to act the way I act? well then, pray tell explain where the rejection comes from. how does one balance one's personal opinion and public opinion and spiritual opinion.
it's stupid. i'm sorry. you'll have to live with that unholy comment of mine.
am i the stubborn child who doesn't want to return to the Father? ish, please.. spare me the limelight moment, all right? you think you know me inside out? you ain't one step close to the real thing right now.
like i said. I'm tired of being a member of an exclusive society that governs things with ways and mannerisms that I can't seem to identify with the early Church. i seem to hear the 15 year old me question the 26 year old me, "why are you Christian anyway?"
i could still defend that statement. I can if i am asked.
I would tell you that its not about the people that's why i converted.
it is solely because of Jesus. no one else.
"so why don't you just do it for God?"
because in the midst of doing it for God it is already wrong. God doesn't need me to do things for Him. does He? while i'm serving my God, do I add that serving with a twist of lies and inconsistencies that my conscience wrestles with?
I'm sorry. I know I let a lot of people down. Maybe no one will really understand what it means to be me at this moment. Call me selfish, childish and stubborn. Tell me that God will prune me, discipline me and teach me to be humble. Remind me and nag me that I'm a leader and spiritually mature and ask me why do i need to make such a big deal out of a small thing...
... do/say/preach whatever you think is right for me. I'm cool with it.
but don't expect me to be responsive at this moment. if you claim to love me and accept me, then accept this part of me that is hurting right now.
please accept someone like me who is on the path of self discovery. please allow me to have this moment of being emotional because if I can't express it, i think i'll die of suffocation.
you don't need to pretend to lead me or follow me. i don't want that. just walk with me and hold my hand.
i need a friend. a sincere one.
5/2/09
at this point of time I feel that I've burnt my bridges, cut off all ties and let go of things that are secure and comfortable to me.
the interesting thing is... I'm excited about that.
if you would ask me to substantiate my actions, somehow... I do not have an answer to back my actions. Every attempt to explain my situation seems like a feeble option to give a polished and well-versed excuse.
if you understood me well enough, you would know I would rather keep my silence than to lie about my current situation. I would rather hold my words than to simply produce a statement that I know that I don't believe in.
I have to be honest with you... I have no idea why I'm doing all of this right now. I really don't.
if there is apprehension in the future that would come my way, I'm ready to face it. In fact, I'd rather go through all of this than open the door to more skeletons in the closet. Whose closet has the most skeletons doesn't really matter at this point of time.
all i can say is... if you have questions... ask me in person - sms, email, call, MSN or Facebook - i'd rather just tell you from my own mouth what I'm going through now. will you say i've changed. yes, i have. for the better/worse? no one is a better judge than God at this point.
i'm just trying to be myself. to rediscover something that I think i've lost. I'm on the track of a season of change... a season of liberty that will open up paths that will be totally different because my perspectives are changing.
love me, hate me, misunderstand me, accept me, scold me, taunt me, praise me, question me... you can do so many things to me right now...
... but you will find that from today onwards that it will all not affect me.
because i've found the perfect person to depend on... and i'm feeling great :)
22/2/09
I've been wondering... just how long this silence would persist inside... somehow, screaming it at the top of my lungs from the rooftops or declaring it to a multitude or even ranting and raving about it to someone... it doesn't make a difference.
Because its the sound in the silence. it's like in a vacuum. it's there, yet you can't hear it kinda thing.
*chuckle*
somehow, I'd much prefer to be where I am at the moment. Not because I'm defiant. Not because I'm ignorant (heaven forbid) and not because I'm in a i-don't-care kinda mood. It's just that I don't hear or see the direction to go to somewhere else.
of course, complications arise and suddenly i find myself being the object of interest to some. Understanding was subjective in the very beginning anyways, so who cares?
Should I just drop everything and disappear as I always thought I should? Just when I thought today would be the last day... somehow God decides to step in and make the day seem utterly wonderful and full of hope. Jesus can do that for you, ya know... He loves to inspire, motivate and exhort.... even if you didn't breathe a word of prayer.
Just so you know. I have a relationship with God. And it doesn't matter if I come in after 5pm :)
have a nice day.
5/3/09
As I rest against this cold, hard wall will You pass me by?
Will You criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun
Is He not strong enough? Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again?
Is He not brave enough to take one chance on me?
Please, can I have one chance to start again?
Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a life time
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
And If I'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness, find a strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?
Is He not strong enough? Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again?
Is He not brave enough to take one chance on me?
Please, can I have one chance to start again?
He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance It's there I finally found
That You are strong enough, that You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough to take one chance on me
Oh, thank You for my chance to start again
Two months. Confusion. Reasoning. Observing. Disappointment. More questions. Questions. Doubts. Light. Vision. Purpose. Serving. Pharisees. Loneliness. Independence. Truths. Lies. Even more questions. Trust. Suspicion. Weirdness. Friends. Family. Wondering. Clouds in the sky. Lunch. Whatever. God. Faith. Prophecies. Love. Cars. Money. Values. Principles.
Argh.
21/4/09
i've really forgotten what defines me... my clothes, my taste, the friends I have, the books I read, the awards and certificates I've received, my education, my race, my skin colour, my car, the songs I listen to, the food I like, the hobbies I enjoy, the shoes I wear, the brands I love to buy...?
which one?
I just want to be a person whom I can stare into the mirror and feel satisfied about anything and everything that I possess and lack. Did Paul just mean financial things when he said, "I know how to be poor and to prosper"? Or did he mean at the times when emotionally and physically when he felt drained and the times when he felt at his optimum?
I wonder how his ministry days were? like I always imagine, it must be pretty tough to have a death warrant signed under your name and live everyday wondering if anyone was sent to murder you. How does it feel to be called a murderer yourself? Were there ups and downs within the same day?
I bet there were. Those "not-so-good" but "still-ok-ok-lah" days are always around. Today, it's been exceptionally interesting.
Because officially, I've lost who I am. This time, its not even about burnt bridges, but it's about losing the passion and about losing the direction that I thought I so had a grasp upon. Once again, I find myself at the crossroads wondering if I'll ever start moving instead of standing there deciding and deciding what to do.
it feels like last year's Christmas again. you know, the period of time where I was wandering.
again... i feel like no one understands. again... i feel like i need to escape certain things.
ugh.
11/5/09
You can reach me by railway
You can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane
You can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan
Cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here
Just get here if you can
There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had the way
Surely you'd be closer
I need you closer
You can reach me by sailboat
Climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down slope
Into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedcote
Cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here
Just get here if you can
There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had the way
Surely you'd be closer
I need you closer
You can windsurf into my life
Take me up on a carpet ride
You can make it in a big balloon
But you'd better make it soon
You can reach me by caravan
Cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here
Just get here if you can
I don't care how you get here
Just get here if you can
25/8/09
#3: Growing up and letting go
this has perhaps been an area where it always troubles me alot. i guess none of us really enjoy letting go and going into areas or uncharted courses >_<>
and in my wretchedness, no matter how i explain or reason myself out of it... i know He's never wrong. He didn't make a mistake for calling me a run-away.
I am. I have been. I've been trying to live life in the shadows, not His shadow. that's the problem. I thought i could make it on my own and make a new life. I guess God has His own agenda, as usual.
and i know i just have to say this and get it off my heart and mind:
i really don't know how to say this... but ... im letting it go. not that i mean i don't care and all that, but i'm letting it go mentally and emotionally for awhile. i need to do this because if not, i wonder if i could ever learn to trust, accept and love someone in a deeper sense. i need to learn something out of this because i know God wants that part of my character.
God's been asking me for that part of my heart, that part of me that makes me the person I am... and He's saying that i need to take a break from using that part of my heart on people even if it means that no one will understand me while He is trying to teach me a very important lesson.
You know you're always a very important person, friend, family member, comrade... you are. just that for now, i really need to take a break.
4/9/09
i think i've talked about it way too much, thought about it oh-so many times, even prayed and asked God about this issue on numerous occasions.
was it because of December that it made me who I am today?
so many times I asked myself if I am slipping away through His fingers.
so many hours have I spent questioning my heart and asking it if it had run away from Him.
so many moments when the tears appeared and I sobbed and wondered if I had disobeyed Him.
have I? did I?
silence seems louder than noise at the moment.
somehow, i feel i've been damaged beyond repair. or maybe i've been damaged in the past and somehow the healing process has made me into another person. Someone who is similar yet different at the same time perhaps.
i did find my answer last week. but somehow, its an answer that only i feel satisfied with. currently it feels like nobody understands and that feeling is absolutely lousy and is getting on my nerves.
i gotta flip a switch and tune in to a different channel : ) then i know i can survive this and not be thrown to the left and right in this passage of time. At the moment, i DO feel like I've walked into another time-zone or time-space where the whole world rushes by and I am standing watching the activity.
i feel like the loneliest person on earth today. for some reason, i just do.
:'(
in the chaos, in confusion
I know
You're sovereign still
in the moment of my weakness
You gave me grace
to do Your will
13/9/09
its been an interesting month - the month of September.
somehow, i've been watching how things develop. there have been many questions that have circled in my mind, many questions that i have even aired out among those i love. and i realise... that questions will always just remain as questions for certain things or situations that i find myself in.
you know what. i think even to say i'm moving on is sort of a hypocritical statement. because i deny myself my true self. i know i can move on and start all over again and be the me that i've always wanted to be.
but i just know i can't do it on my own.
i need you. i need someone who can answer my doubts.
i need someone like you who will love me no matter what.
i need a person who doesn't get fed up of me when i fall into another mistake or the same mistake.
i need you to understand that living life as me isn't easy at times and i might get sad about it.
i need you to tell me that you will still love me even if i don't reach that standard that seems to be there.
i want to feel whole. sometimes, i wake up at night crying because of those nightmares i have of being abandoned. at times, i wake up and get scared by the utter silence that comes from the depths of my soul. there's a voice that sometimes whispers to me that i will never ever feel complete and that fantasy will elude me and will resist becoming a reality.
you have no idea how insecure i feel about things around me. it's so ironic that the very things that my friends celebrate about or discuss about, are the very things that i think will be denied of me forever. it does seem that way to me most of the time.
Mike Chadway was hitting a gold mine when he was talking about certain things in The Ugly Truth. Do I feel like I want to call him on his show and give him a piece of my mind for stating the obvious? No, Mike. Most women would rather just retreat and acknowledge that you just stated quite bluntly what women feel most insecure about. if there was a corner to hide in, i would have. but i can't, because i know i have to face my insecurities sooner or later.
i stare into the mirror in the morning and just wish God would start all over again with me.
gosh, am is sounding emo? well, to a certain extent this segment of my life does feel depressing and pathetic. how often does one see me like this? i'm always in control of my own life, i set goals and i plan to achieve them all...
...but inside. i need you.
i need you to just be you. i don't deny that i wish heaven would come nearer or promises in the past would come true right now real quick. i need you to hurry up. i need you to come through because that's what you promised to be for me.
but in the end. if i need you for material gain, personal satisfaction and security... am i needing you in the right way? am i needing you the way i was created for?
i need You to be You. in anyway possible that you think is best for me. because you formed me and knew me even before I was born. you saw my screw ups, you've seen me through ugly moments, you've held my hand even when i tore it out a million times from your hand.
Jesus, i need You.
You are my light.
Jesus, i want You
to shine, to shine
in Your likeness, change
in Your likeness, change my heart
in Your likeness, change
in Your likeness, change my heart
Congratulations for making it to this point of the blog post so far.
let me get this straight... i am just being brutally honest about myself. i never asked to be pitied, but neither did i expect people to assume things of me as well.
but that's the way of the world and the way of humans : ) nobody's perfect.
i'm tired, really i am. and yes, i still feel hurt from it. so what, right? everyone thinks i shouldn't make it a big deal, well... it hurts me, so yeah, it is a big deal for me. i'm not asking for retribution or revenge...
all i am experiencing is pain.. when someone is bleeding, you don't spend time discussing how to stop the bleeding... you go ahead and try your best with whatever you have around to stop the blood from flowing.
but how many of us want to get our hands dirty and contaminated. its probably too tough, and you worry and over worry about whether it would do more damage...
yeah, keep on watching from the sidelines, get a front row seat won't you?
the show's starting in a while people, lets get the party started
but guess what? i'm not in that party anymore.
