December visits again.. Run, Forrest! R-U-N!!!

sometimes, the only place that you feel safe and protected is the comfort of your own bedroom.

yesterday, for the first time, i felt so freaked out with things that i actually made a call home to hear my mother's voice. at least to hear her ask me if i was all right sounded so good.

i've tried. really, i've tried. I can hear your voice tell me at the back of my head to try harder. But what if I feel so incapacitated [if there's such a word] that i can't try any harder anymore.

is it because i need to try and since i can't or because i'm not trying hard enough i deserve all this treatment? somehow, i wonder if the friendships i thought i had were built on what elements - trust, honesty, acceptance, love.

i know. the fault was always mine, wasn't it? the ball's in my court now but i have absolutely no idea how to return the ball : (

i don't even understand why i spent two days straight feeling so bad about things. it's just too painful to go into it and delve deeper.

don't assume that i didn't talk to God. don't freakin assume that i did not go to Jesus in my darkest moments. the conclusion that i arrive upon is that God is indeed my sole satisfaction and refuge. indeed He understands and He does not judge nor spurn me aside from His love for creating me.

assumptions of my condition are one of the things that hurt me more than anything, in case you didn't know that about me.

i'm just trying to make sense out the situation that i am in and trying to live life as bravely as i can. whether its in tears or with a smile, God has never faulted me for using either. on some days, i have the courage to stare at life and face it head on, there will be days when i feel weak. i'm as human as anyone you know around your left and right

if i get up i might fall back down again, so i get up anyway

the bottom line is : i can only face my issues with the amount of strength i have in me.

and i am trying

trying with every single breath i have

waving my fists in the air