September Sorrows

its been an interesting month - the month of September.

somehow, i've been watching how things develop. there have been many questions that have circled in my mind, many questions that i have even aired out among those i love. and i realise... that questions will always just remain as questions for certain things or situations that i find myself in.

you know what. i think even to say i'm moving on is sort of a hypocritical statement. because i deny myself my true self. i know i can move on and start all over again and be the me that i've always wanted to be.

but i just know i can't do it on my own.

i need you. i need someone who can answer my doubts.

i need someone like you who will love me no matter what.

i need a person who doesn't get fed up of me when i fall into another mistake or the same mistake.

i need you to understand that living life as me isn't easy at times and i might get sad about it.

i need you to tell me that you will still love me even if i don't reach that standard that seems to be there.

i want to feel whole. sometimes, i wake up at night crying because of those nightmares i have of being abandoned. at times, i wake up and get scared by the utter silence that comes from the depths of my soul. there's a voice that sometimes whispers to me that i will never ever feel complete and that fantasy will elude me and will resist becoming a reality.

you have no idea how insecure i feel about things around me. it's so ironic that the very things that my friends celebrate about or discuss about, are the very things that i think will be denied of me forever. it does seem that way to me most of the time.

Mike Chadway was hitting a gold mine when he was talking about certain things in The Ugly Truth. Do I feel like I want to call him on his show and give him a piece of my mind for stating the obvious? No, Mike. Most women would rather just retreat and acknowledge that you just stated quite bluntly what women feel most insecure about. if there was a corner to hide in, i would have. but i can't, because i know i have to face my insecurities sooner or later.

i stare into the mirror in the morning and just wish God would start all over again with me.

gosh, am is sounding emo? well, to a certain extent this segment of my life does feel depressing and pathetic. how often does one see me like this? i'm always in control of my own life, i set goals and i plan to achieve them all...

...but inside. i need you.

i need you to just be you. i don't deny that i wish heaven would come nearer or promises in the past would come true right now real quick. i need you to hurry up. i need you to come through because that's what you promised to be for me.

but in the end. if i need you for material gain, personal satisfaction and security... am i needing you in the right way? am i needing you the way i was created for?

i need You to be You. in anyway possible that you think is best for me. because you formed me and knew me even before I was born. you saw my screw ups, you've seen me through ugly moments, you've held my hand even when i tore it out a million times from your hand.

Jesus, i need You.

You are my light.

Jesus, i want You

to shine, to shine

in Your likeness, change

in Your likeness, change my heart

in Your likeness, change

in Your likeness, change my heart