Three Loves (which one are you?)

"If love” is conditional love. It says, I love you…
if you run with the right crowd.
if you let me borrow your car this weekend.
if you will go to bed with me.
if you wear the jeans with the special pockets and like funky music
if you let me see your answers when I’m stumped.
if you don’t hassle me with your problems.
if you loan me a couple of bucks to buy a pizza.

“Because love” is easy love. It says, I love you…
because you are the most popular football player in school
because you voted for me as class president.
because you’re kind of zany and make me laugh
because you throw good parties and like Rock n’ Roll
because the testimonial you wrote for me in Friendster was cool
because you have a nice body and pretty hair
because you are basically a lot like me

“Anyhow love” is hard, unconditional love. It says, I love you…
anyhow, even if you ignore me when I talk.
anyhow, even if you judge me unfairly and gossip behind my back.
anyhow, even if you like classical music.
anyhow, even if you don’t own a car or the latest Ipod
anyhow, even if you have a fresh outbreak of pimples
anyhow, even if you grew up with a broken family
anyhow, even if you don’t understand me or my lifestyle.

Yes, I love you anyhow… because that’s how God loves me.
And I’m trying to learn to love you the same way.











if we don't start looking at each other
with love,

it will be hate one day.

Foreigner

I've gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
Gotta read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older

In my life, there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've travelled so far
To change this lonely life
I want to know what love is
I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is
I know you can show me

new look?

Well, well... guess my blog did a facelift, thanks to the great taste of Soph XD

I feel like making a tag. Let's see if this works... this tag is for those who have been blogging for at least 2 years or more...Just cut and paste the interesting parts of your blog posts in each question, ok? Here goes!

1. What was your second post in June the first year you blogged until now?
June, Year 2002 (ranting about my coursemates in college)

"hey, I am so sick of my course mates! They just know how to borrow my practical reports for Chemistry and Biology and that's it! They just bloody copy the whole thing. Look, I spend 5 hours in the library digging my arms into mouldy, dusty, stinky, yellow-coloured books, what do they do? Sleep at home? I can say no, but I just want to avoid any discomfort later on. I thought since we came in the course with new spirit and dreams, a little effort on "their" part wouldn't hurt?

2. What was the thing on your mind the most in August the first year you started blogging?
August, Year 2002 (musing over why I blog)

"...Sometimes I wonder what to do with my blogs. I'm still so alien with the concept of blogging that I wonder if my personal ravings or complaints will actually get on the nerves of people... Basically my blogs include what I've been up to these days, how many people have got on my nerves or how terrible Calculus can be... Is it a place to give advice? Is it a place to vomit out all my woes and negativity? I really don't know. When I feel my fingers itching to type, what you see on my blog is exactly what my fingers want me to type. Usually if you see me updating blogs I'm just sitting there typing non-stop. I don't reconstruct, I don't polish, I just clikety-clack and voila it's there!"

3. What were the things you had on your blog during December the first year you started blogging? (for example icons, chatboxes, what kind of links you had on your page)

Hmm... I don't know if this applies to those on blogspot. But because that time I designed my own blog... so I had these in Year 2002:

* mood icons (busy and tired)
* my favourite quote that time on my blog was "bloody hell"
* a "Tag Board" which now you call a Chat Box :P
* a moving tera-panda cartoon icon
* 9 contacts only on my contact links!!! (my social life sucks!!!)
* a Spirited Away moving cartoon icon
* Bravenet visitor counter

4. Randomly pick a post in February (from any year of your blogging life)
February 2004 (this was during my tenure with New Straits Times as a part time journalist from YouthQuake, a section for the young people in my days :P)

"...Another happy news is I get to review Josh Groban's CD which is like SO what I want to listen to at the moment! It's original and I'm like, in looooove just looking at the cover. My hormones overrode my senses, a guy who has curly hair, little boy smile and is older than me by one year gets me into hyper mode! His voice... Okay, okay, I'll lay off him first. I'll probably be back at the end of the day after I sample his songs and write about them. Nyahahah!Toodles people!"

5. Weirdest comment left at your blog post / blog's guestbook / chat box
September 24th, Year 2002 (random Hoklish - Hokkien + English - guest comment)

" wah lau .... luan ka er si ... so hard to read .... and very complicated ... ur story memang si long lar .... better sumaries it lar .... cya ... hehe ... dont angry ya .. tat part of my opinion ,...from hockkia"

hahaha ;)

6. What colours has your blog used as a background?

* Black (2002)
* Baby Blue (2003)
* Pink (2004)
* Dark yellow (2005)
* Dark baby blue (2006)
* Pinkish purple (2007)
* Peach (2007) - - my final Pitas blog post before going to blogspot
* Black and dark green (2007) - - my new blogspot blog
* Black and dark green (2008)
* Grey, Orange and Black (2008) - - latest

7. Most interesting Valentine's post?
Year 2008

I blogged about my crush and talked about how the friendship was more important than the romance and that I know he doesn't like me and its ok because being friends is priceless as well =)

8. What is the one thing you realise that has been consistent in your blog posts until now?

* I like to do alot of self-searching posts
* I think aloud in my blog
* I have spells of not blogging for weeks, then suddenly blog almost everyday :P
* God has played a very important part in my writing

9. Who do you tag to do this blog?

Soph, Shabeta, Shabeta, Roberts, Paul Lyn, Lydia, Hazel, Wee Yen, Shannon (the girl), Hosanna, Tammy, Joni, Sarah Ti, Raquel, Zoe Tai, Grace Goh, Bee Bee, Vighnath.

BOOYA!

Note to author -
Okay okay, so I actually picked out a few skins for you to choose sooo when you're online, tell me yah, I'll set each one and let you choose. For now, I'll just leave it as this because I love LyricalTragedy :D SHE DA BOMB, OH YEAH!

fighting, aza aza!

-- Soph.

sorry

It's been a crazy week of work. I can't believe from Tuesday right up until Friday it was all about discipining students, scolding, punishing, cold-shouldering, tensions and... and...

*sigh*

Sometimes, words just can't describe my feelings. Am I being emo? Am I getting depressed? At this juncture of life, I really can't verbalise myself much.

I wonder if I have been too much of a friend than a teacher. I keep asking myself if I have gone wrong somewhere. Surely if I've been teaching correctly the lessons should sink in and would not need to be repeated again and again and AGAIN?! I feel like I've been talking like a parrot to people that I love and care for. Somehow, something's wrong with the picture.

So many times I find myself at this corner At this dead end. At this verge of giving up. Where I always feel I've reached my maximum, the end of the road and there was nothing else to look forward to. Questions are like floating in my head at this moment.

Am I cut out for such a job? Should I return to scientific research? Should I pursue my passion for writing?

You know what, to be honest, I'm just plain fed up. I'm tired of reminding kids to be a daily testimony to each other. I'm tired of imposing rules that people don't really bother to follow. Everyone wants a "cool" supervisor who they can joke with, play with and have fun with. No one really wants a supervisor that is concerned about their academic achievements, discipline and character developments.

I can be that supposedly awesome supervisor who can joke and laugh with the class but I have my conscience to face at the end of the day. The amount of goofing off I do means the exact amount of time I wasted when I should have been supervising academic work and insisting the school rules. I can do that if I wanted to. I can choose to impose rules and be all no-nonsense and strict.

But I couldn't help myself. I let my heart get the better of me. And somewhere along the line, something has gone seriously wrong. This was not what I wanted to begin with. I came into school wanting to make a difference. Don't tell me I have made a difference when the very students that claim I have changed them don't seem to exhibit the change in their daily lives.

I'm tired of making excuses. I'm tired of bending the rules. I'm tired of not doing my job properly in school.

If my students can't understand why it is important to be doing work and that chit-chatting, breaking the rules, coming to school late seems more acceptable and its tolerable for them...

... then I have failed. Not them.

I have. God, I'm so sorry.

*teardrop*

God, I'm looking at those footprints... trying to convince myself to just surrender and believe that You have been faithfully carried me in my times of weakness.

Tonight, I ask that You carry me again in Your arms.

And I'll gaze again upon those footprints in the sand.

Footprints In The Sand

Footprints In The Sand

You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going

You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown
Along the way
Then I heard You say

"I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find My footprints in the sand"

I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times that I've been so afraid

And just when I
Have thought I'd lost my way
You give me strength to carry on
That's when I heard You say

"I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow
And despair
And I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find My footprints in the sand"

When I'm weary
Well I know You'll be there
And that I can feel You
When You say

"I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
Oh, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find My footprints in the sand "

thank you Lord

After a drive around my old childhood area in Ampang at 2a.m. in the morning by myself while listening to songs blaring through my CD player in the car... I finally found an answer to an unanswered question that not only I have been asking.

The whole of yesterday was slightly weird. I had just bought the Hillsongs I-Heart (With Hearts As One) on wednesday and I was listening to it yesterday in the car in the morning on the way to One Utama. While I was singing to songs like One Way and What The World Will Never Take, I felt like crying. It wasn't a slow song, but the lyrics and the presence of God was so strong that I couldn't sing anymore and I found myself just enjoying my Jesus like never before. It's weird because I have never experienced such a thing. Could it be possible? And as I listened Till I See You and The Stand, all the more I was sure that God was doing something. The question arose within me:

God, what is it that You are trying to tell me?

But at this point God was content in just having me worship Him in my car as I drove, so I just went on singing and thumping my hands on the steering wheel while driving. It felt totally satisfying and the whole of yesterday, there was a positive feeling in the air around me and I felt light and satisfied though I didn't know what I was satisfied about =)

After helping a friend with his college stuff, the notion of driving to my old childhood place was getting stronger and stronger. It was 2 a.m. and I think my friend was thinking I was crazy to do such a thing. But it just felt right because it was going to be another intimate time with God. Maybe because being in the car felt like a private space between me and my Maker.

As I drove by the bends and curves that were so familiar with me, I had songs like Look To You and Forever playing in the background. And it struck a chord in me when I was singing to Forever. It was the song I first heard in church when I wasn't a Christian yet and it was one of the elements contributing to my conversion on that same day itself. God was wanting me to rediscover and remember that the reason why the song meant so much wasn't because of the melody or words, but it was because that God had chosen to use that song to touch me.

God wanted me to drive around my old childhood place because He wanted to tell me to "return". To return to what? Even as I write this now, I realise that it is to return to my First Love. Have I forgotten my Saviour? I haven't. But the perspective that God wants to tell me and I believe to tell all those who are involved or serious about their role in a worship team - be it in school or church - that playing an instrument or singing, is all about our First Love. So many times we concern ourselves so much about whether our band performance will be able to bring effect and change in the congregation. So often as a vocalist, we are so conscious of singing in tune and carrying an effect of dynamics on the crowd; so often a guitarist is so concerned about following the exact chords and playing well; so often the drummer hopes to achieve a great drum solo that will hype up the congregation... Songs are good because God is in them. Because the musicians in those songs were worshipping God and were so focused on their Redeemer alone.

Oh God, so often we forget that we were supposed to use all our talents to just worship You!

It is such a gentle and loving reminder from God. I think it's time to forget whether I'm singing well or playing well. I need to set aside my talents and abilities and look at the right direction. I need to stop worrying about whether a worship session goes well. I need to stop looking at it as a "session". I need to stop discussing it with equally worried people and think of what remedy needs to be used to make things different.

I need to stop worrying on behalf of God.

I need to stop worrying on behaf of other people.

I need to worry about whether my heart is totally on Jesus.

I need to worry if my heart is a heart of worship totally or not.

This revelation is NOT an answer that goes, "Yes! Now I know the answer to why worship isn't going well!!!" In fact, it is a personal rebuke. It's about my relationship with God. Lets not be so noble and think about others and hope that God will pity me and release a new anointing on my stubborness.

At this point, I am going to work on worshipping God all out. It is not an answer to make my singing or guitar playing better. Even if from now onwards my skill decreases, it will not bother me and stop me from praising God in my own way. I don't want to be bothered by results from my worship. My worship to God is my offering to God.

I cannot offer God a worship with the condition that it must create effect to the congregation or others around me. Then my offering is tainted. It is not sincere. It still belongs to me and is not surrendered to God in its entirety. I have to remember that people are touched in worship because God chooses to let them experience Him. Not because of me. Not because of how well the band can play.

I will live to love You

I will live to bring You praise

I will live a child in awe of You

I'll worship You my God

I'll worship You my God

I love You, I love You

tagged by roberts

First Name: Catherine
Nickname: Catherineey, Ms. Cath, OML, Cat-the-rine
Name you wish you had: I'm happy with my own, tq very much!
What do people normally mistake your name as: Usually people get mistaken for my name. People called Kathleen in the end are called Catherine instead ;P
Birthplace: Sentosa Medical Centre, KL
Time of Birth: 12:38pm
Single or taken: Single but not available for this year :P

Your Appearence:
How tall are you: Shorter than Jonathan Roberts (i saw yur comment, u wait ah...) ~ 164cm
Wish you were taller: A few more cms wouldn't have hurt la honestly
Eye color: Dark Brown
Eye color you want: im happy with my present eye color.
Natural Hair color: black, with an occasional brown in it
Current Hair color: Same
Short or long hair: semi long?
Ever dye your hair a bizarre color: No. And I don't EVER want to!
Last time you did something dramatic with your hair: Colored it 2 times in a row but the colour never stayed? haha
Glasses or contacts: glasses
Do you wear make-up: sometimes
Ever had hair extensions: Nope
Paint your nails: Once

In the opposite gender.
What color eyes: Doesn't matter :)
What color hair: Any colour but that doesn't mean he can dye it a weird colour
Shy or Outgoing ; both...knows the rite time to be.
Looks or personality: Duh, personality
Sexy or Cute: Both
Serious or Fun: both
Older or Younger than you:
Older, pleeease... :)
A turn on: Remembering the things i love without me saying
A turn off: Stubborness, ego and dishonesty

This or that.
Flowers or Chocolates: chocolates!!!
Pepsi or Coke: Coke :)
Rap or Rock: Neither
School or Work: Work
Love or Money: Love
Movies or Music: Music
Country or City: City
Sunny or Rainy days: Rainy days

Have you ever.Lied: yes
Stole something: yes
Smoked: yes
Hurt someone close to you: countless times i think
Broke someone's heart: not yet
Had your heart broken: Yup
Wondered what was wrong with you: Only when I feel depressed, yes.
Wish you were a prince/princess: yucks no!
Liked someone who was taken: yup. ages ago.
Shaved your head: no
Been in love: no
Used chopsticks: of course!
Sang in the mirror to yourself: yes
Friends or Family: Friends

Favorites.
Flower: Roses
Candy: Mentos
Song: A Thousand Miles
Scent: none
Color: Black
Movie: Iron Man :)
Singer: David Cook, Brooke Fraser, David Crowder Band...
Junk food: Twisties
Website: www.youtube.com
Location: My bed
Animal: Dogs
Have you ever.Cried over someone: yes
Wished you could change about yourself: yes
Thought that you're attractive: never
Had any fairytale you wanted your life to be true: naw
Played any sports: yes

tag: Kelvin, Hazel, Grace Goh, Sarah Ti, Wee Yen

Tagged by Soph

8 things I'm passionate about:
1. God
2. Preaching the Gospel
3. My job at GRC with all my beloved kiddies and kiddoes =)
4. Singing
5. Strumming a guitar
6. Blogging
7. Friendship
8. Photography

8 things I say too often:
1. LOL
2. uhuh
3. Whatever
4. Why you always like that one ah? You... *nag nag nag*
5. Crap wei!
6. Ok
7. hmmm...
8. What?

8 things I've read recently:
1. Wo de di di bu yi yang (My brother is not the same)
2. News on the Sichuan earthquake in China
3. Revival and miracle healings in Lakeland, Florida *dead people resurrected wei!*
4. The Bible
5. TAR College prospectus
6. Voyage of The Dawntreader ~ C. S. Lewis
7. Sunday outline from church
8. Soph's blog (hence knowing i was tagged =P)

8 songs I could listen over and over again:
1. Is it you - Cassie
2. From The Inside Out - Hillsong United
3. Take It All- Hillsongs
4. Love Song - Sarah Bareilleis
5. Umbrella - Maria Digby
6. King of Majesty - Hillsongs
7. I Want You - Savage Garden
8. Mystical Experience - Boyzone ;)

8 things I've learned last year:
1. God is my EVERYTHING =)
2. To be independent and be dependent on Jesus instead
3. I can't do it all by myself anymore
4. If it's not meant to be, there's no way wishing it could be
5. How to play a bit of piano and drums
6. To stop running away.
7. To chin up when the world around is down
8. I love my job more and more, specially my kiddies =)

8 people I tag:
1. Kelvin Wong
2. Roberts
3. Sarah Ti
4. Melissa Yeap
5. Wee Yen
6. Paul Lyn
7. Zoe Tai
8. Hazel Chang

Taking notes

It's been a great one week holiday so far... I've watched three movies in the space of 3 days, eaten good food, bought books and DVDs that I've wanted to watch. Cleaned up my house. Visited and got to know some new students in the area. Pondered about my future. Looked at others worrying about their future. Gotten a new housemate. Cleaned up my room...

I've arrived upon one conclusion:

Change is the most constant thing in life.

Sounds like an oxymoron right? haha.. I know. But well, change is the thing that happens most of the time in life. We grow old, we become wiser, we get harder... its all change isn't it?

This is a random post. But nothing in life happens in random because God is the one who handles my life. Means every detail is thought over, every scene that plays out in my life is a product of God's best and I mean VERY best intentions for me. Think of the Bible... the things that were written in there were inspired by God right? Means... to look at it in retrospect... God was watching over those scenes and more and found that those were the ones worth mentioning. Means when Daniel was in the fiery furnace with his three buddies... God found it noteworthy to put it in the Bible.. sorta like someone reviewing a movie and picking out the good parts to talk about.

Likewise, I believe God is watching all the parts of my life - how I spend my time, what i do in secret and think no one knows, who I love and hurt, what I buy with my salary, how much I spend time with Him... so many things. And I have made that commitment to make sure every second of my life is a great scene to watch. So that God won't feel cheated out of a good show :)

Another note: Thanks for being a great friend. We're 10 years apart but it has never been a barrier and I thank God for that. Thanks for being so open, it's an honour as I said (does a mouse bow) and lets keep working on this friendship and make it better everyday for the rest of our lives. Love you very much, kiddo.