thank you Lord

After a drive around my old childhood area in Ampang at 2a.m. in the morning by myself while listening to songs blaring through my CD player in the car... I finally found an answer to an unanswered question that not only I have been asking.

The whole of yesterday was slightly weird. I had just bought the Hillsongs I-Heart (With Hearts As One) on wednesday and I was listening to it yesterday in the car in the morning on the way to One Utama. While I was singing to songs like One Way and What The World Will Never Take, I felt like crying. It wasn't a slow song, but the lyrics and the presence of God was so strong that I couldn't sing anymore and I found myself just enjoying my Jesus like never before. It's weird because I have never experienced such a thing. Could it be possible? And as I listened Till I See You and The Stand, all the more I was sure that God was doing something. The question arose within me:

God, what is it that You are trying to tell me?

But at this point God was content in just having me worship Him in my car as I drove, so I just went on singing and thumping my hands on the steering wheel while driving. It felt totally satisfying and the whole of yesterday, there was a positive feeling in the air around me and I felt light and satisfied though I didn't know what I was satisfied about =)

After helping a friend with his college stuff, the notion of driving to my old childhood place was getting stronger and stronger. It was 2 a.m. and I think my friend was thinking I was crazy to do such a thing. But it just felt right because it was going to be another intimate time with God. Maybe because being in the car felt like a private space between me and my Maker.

As I drove by the bends and curves that were so familiar with me, I had songs like Look To You and Forever playing in the background. And it struck a chord in me when I was singing to Forever. It was the song I first heard in church when I wasn't a Christian yet and it was one of the elements contributing to my conversion on that same day itself. God was wanting me to rediscover and remember that the reason why the song meant so much wasn't because of the melody or words, but it was because that God had chosen to use that song to touch me.

God wanted me to drive around my old childhood place because He wanted to tell me to "return". To return to what? Even as I write this now, I realise that it is to return to my First Love. Have I forgotten my Saviour? I haven't. But the perspective that God wants to tell me and I believe to tell all those who are involved or serious about their role in a worship team - be it in school or church - that playing an instrument or singing, is all about our First Love. So many times we concern ourselves so much about whether our band performance will be able to bring effect and change in the congregation. So often as a vocalist, we are so conscious of singing in tune and carrying an effect of dynamics on the crowd; so often a guitarist is so concerned about following the exact chords and playing well; so often the drummer hopes to achieve a great drum solo that will hype up the congregation... Songs are good because God is in them. Because the musicians in those songs were worshipping God and were so focused on their Redeemer alone.

Oh God, so often we forget that we were supposed to use all our talents to just worship You!

It is such a gentle and loving reminder from God. I think it's time to forget whether I'm singing well or playing well. I need to set aside my talents and abilities and look at the right direction. I need to stop worrying about whether a worship session goes well. I need to stop looking at it as a "session". I need to stop discussing it with equally worried people and think of what remedy needs to be used to make things different.

I need to stop worrying on behalf of God.

I need to stop worrying on behaf of other people.

I need to worry about whether my heart is totally on Jesus.

I need to worry if my heart is a heart of worship totally or not.

This revelation is NOT an answer that goes, "Yes! Now I know the answer to why worship isn't going well!!!" In fact, it is a personal rebuke. It's about my relationship with God. Lets not be so noble and think about others and hope that God will pity me and release a new anointing on my stubborness.

At this point, I am going to work on worshipping God all out. It is not an answer to make my singing or guitar playing better. Even if from now onwards my skill decreases, it will not bother me and stop me from praising God in my own way. I don't want to be bothered by results from my worship. My worship to God is my offering to God.

I cannot offer God a worship with the condition that it must create effect to the congregation or others around me. Then my offering is tainted. It is not sincere. It still belongs to me and is not surrendered to God in its entirety. I have to remember that people are touched in worship because God chooses to let them experience Him. Not because of me. Not because of how well the band can play.

I will live to love You

I will live to bring You praise

I will live a child in awe of You

I'll worship You my God

I'll worship You my God

I love You, I love You