sorry

It's been a crazy week of work. I can't believe from Tuesday right up until Friday it was all about discipining students, scolding, punishing, cold-shouldering, tensions and... and...

*sigh*

Sometimes, words just can't describe my feelings. Am I being emo? Am I getting depressed? At this juncture of life, I really can't verbalise myself much.

I wonder if I have been too much of a friend than a teacher. I keep asking myself if I have gone wrong somewhere. Surely if I've been teaching correctly the lessons should sink in and would not need to be repeated again and again and AGAIN?! I feel like I've been talking like a parrot to people that I love and care for. Somehow, something's wrong with the picture.

So many times I find myself at this corner At this dead end. At this verge of giving up. Where I always feel I've reached my maximum, the end of the road and there was nothing else to look forward to. Questions are like floating in my head at this moment.

Am I cut out for such a job? Should I return to scientific research? Should I pursue my passion for writing?

You know what, to be honest, I'm just plain fed up. I'm tired of reminding kids to be a daily testimony to each other. I'm tired of imposing rules that people don't really bother to follow. Everyone wants a "cool" supervisor who they can joke with, play with and have fun with. No one really wants a supervisor that is concerned about their academic achievements, discipline and character developments.

I can be that supposedly awesome supervisor who can joke and laugh with the class but I have my conscience to face at the end of the day. The amount of goofing off I do means the exact amount of time I wasted when I should have been supervising academic work and insisting the school rules. I can do that if I wanted to. I can choose to impose rules and be all no-nonsense and strict.

But I couldn't help myself. I let my heart get the better of me. And somewhere along the line, something has gone seriously wrong. This was not what I wanted to begin with. I came into school wanting to make a difference. Don't tell me I have made a difference when the very students that claim I have changed them don't seem to exhibit the change in their daily lives.

I'm tired of making excuses. I'm tired of bending the rules. I'm tired of not doing my job properly in school.

If my students can't understand why it is important to be doing work and that chit-chatting, breaking the rules, coming to school late seems more acceptable and its tolerable for them...

... then I have failed. Not them.

I have. God, I'm so sorry.