patterns are so predictable nowadays

if you're sniffing through this for some treasure, i hope you it's something that is God-approved :)

Awards Night was awesome. So many comments of the drama :) So many compliments on how moving it was, how strong the Christian message was, how tears were shed at the emotion felt through the scenes, how the props were well done and etc. All glory to You, Jesus Christ! I knew it was all because of You sustaining each and every one of us for the drama and Awards Night 2010!!

Life can throw lemons and really sour ones at you. However, I'm an uber big fan of lemonade fortunately for me :D so intead of throwing out the lemons, I reuse them instead for my consumption and I make something worthwhile out of it. Throwing lemons isn't really such a wise decision, it's a waste of time. Making lemonade is so much better, don't YOU think so?

If Daniel's friends refused to bow down to the idol and would rather be put through the fiery furnace...

... so will I.

Because I know, his three friend's walked in that fiery furnace unharmed. There was a fourth person walking with them. I am positively sure that God walks with me all the days of my life and He will not allow me to be burnt. It is of no surprise the enemy's weapons are fiery in nature, but those who dwell under the shadow of the most high will not perish.

If God is for us, who can be against us?

It is so amusing to note that when you are doing the right thing, somehow or rather, there is Someone who isn't that happy. There are always circumstances that will crop up to threaten to finish you up, or sometimes it comes with a "push" out of the blue just to shake your faith.

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do, for you!!!

For your information, I spent the whole of Saturday enjoying myself in Genting. I went to the theme park, had lunch, took almost 400 pictures of lovely people, water, spiders and wedding rings. I had an awesome time up there and ended it with a superbly scrumptious seafood dinner at my favourite crabby corner :D

I'm glad I took the time to enjoy myself. Things are in perspective and I wonder if you could have done the same? I'm just wondering... : )

because.. when I am afraid, I will trust in God.

but when you are afraid, where and who do you place your trust in?

Is it 2011 so soon already?

The school year is drawing to an end and as this year closes, it would have been 5 years of serving in Grace Resource Centre. Many of my friends, upon asking me how long I've worked, marvel at my long term relationship at such a place:

I like to share with them just how much I love my job.

I like to tell them about the kids that I love to spend time with.

I might not like the paperwork, but I love the results I see in teens and kids who study hard.

I like to talk about how I've learnt loads of stuff about myself from those younger than me.

I would never hesitate to share about the miracles and blessings God has shown me in this job.

If given a choice to return to the writing world in the newspaper with the choice of being at GRC, I would choose GRC anyday. Not because the pay is fantastic or it's a place where my ego gets stroked more and I get to be bossy or domineering to the people under my care.

It's not that.

I would never leave my job at GRC because it's simply a place where I've found a calling that is unlike anything else. Nothing gives me more satisfaction than to spend the day with my kiddies. Did I tell you that I love my young people alot? That if I'm tired, upset, or even sick; they are probably the first ones to notice and ask me to sit down, get me a drink, or ask me if I'm ok. They tell me don't stress, don't get angry.

My job isn't JUST a job, mind you. My job is my passion. The pay honestly stinks to me but what is more valuable are the life lessons that I've picked up for the past 5 years. Every year stands out for its different events, that I remember and treasure. The school camps we've held where we felt the tangible presence of God fall upon us in the dark even when electricity zapped out. To be able to minister although I lost my glasses and still God used my wretchedness to touch the children. The faces of those whom I have seen them cry out to God in prayer and take that bold step of faith to lead their generation in the Christian Fellowship despite circumstances... the incidents are countless to me.

Because we want to do exploits in the name of our Saviour.

We want to stand up and be counted for our generation.

There is a burning passion to make a difference.

This is what I learnt from GRC so far. To still ride the storm even if it looks dark and menacing. To be able to grit my teeth and keep rowing even if the waves threaten to crash on me.

In my weakness, Jesus, You are strong enough.

Currently, things are going so haywire that I wonder and wonder and wonder... should I stay put and ride this storm. Or should I set sail for a different course. There are such journeys in life where you decide to change direction and embark on something new. Could this be for me right now?

I have absolutely no idea.

But what would Jesus do?

We have to separate ourselves from being a fanatic Bible thumper and a Christian who uses faith.

The way things are going currently, it seems like a Gideon situation. He's hiding and threshing wheat in a winepress [read: possible COWARD] but along comes an angel of God who calls Gideon by who he is and not what he is at that moment: a mighty man of courage/valor. God saw what was to come and not what was in the present.

I want to see the better things that are yet to come.

Gideon won the battle not with a huge army, God took care to whittle down the numbers.

Gideon didn't win with heavy artillery, God gave him wisdom to win.

Gideon didn't really fight, God caused the enemies to thrash around among themselves in the dark and kill each other

it was GOD, GOD, and GOD.

and right now, I can't do anything about the situations that are cropping up in school.

Uncle Kevin, I think I would never be able to say this without crying. I know I can always see you whenever I want, but having you leave GRC... I feel helpless and I feel lost. I know your time is up at GRC and you have to move on to where God wants you to be. I know I will miss you very much and that somehow, I have lost a very dear mentor and father. Coming back in 2011 without hearing you and your jokes, seeing you give the boys a nice neck squeeze and nagging me to clean my table... I will miss you dearly. But I will be strong and not let circumstances keep me down for good. What you've taught me, I will do.

To the two of you, I really wish I could do more than what I can do now. I have tried my utmost best to stand up but the system is screwed up. I wish I could do more, really I do. Everyday, I pass by your table in the class and I miss seeing you there. I miss having to chase you back to your seat. I miss helping you in your math. I miss having intellectual conversations and raving about how people born in February are so awesome. Somehow, nothing happens with God permitting it. So I do believe that though you're not in school anymore, there's still a better plan by God for you. So don't give up and keep the faith.

To you, I can't mention your name here, lest risking trouble descending upon you. I wish we could have you in charge again. I miss the days when the children and I could just come into your room and smile and talk to you. Now, the amount of red tape surrounding you and the amount of effort put in to shelf you to one side is incredible. I wonder what they are so afraid of? I have no idea who feels threatened here or why feel that way in the first place? sigh... but I wish that one day, you will be back to serve us just the way you always have been. I know alot of things go on, the decisions made and executed, are not within your power and most of the time not within your knowledge as well. I can sense your heart is aching and you feel tired and helpless. GRC misses you so much! That's all I can express. One day, they'll come to their senses and that's when we need you to return. Don't give up, please.

And to my dearest kiddies, thank you for being there. Those who know what's going on, you guys and girls are awesome :D thank you to some closer ones who have been through the storms and are still standing in faith. I salute your strength in character. It makes me feel comforted to know that you are all maturing and knowing what is important in life. I know I am sending out soldiers of God, not lazy and blur children of God. Your presence in my life inspires me to hang on just one more day - one day at a time :) i love you

God, thank You above all for being there sustaining me. For letting me have those moments where I just run to You and cry. For those sleepless nights where I can only sit there and allow Your Spirit to just touch me and comfort me. You have been the most faithful to my life and I know the good work that You've started at GRC, You will bring to completion.

Goodbye soon 2010, hello 2011!

I'm buying you a kite, so you can GO FLY KITE LA

You asked me today, do you always need to ask my permission before you make a decision?

My answer will be a big NO because I am not your keeper. However a little CONSIDERATION wouldn't hurt either.

You claim you have corporate experience and that you know how to run things.

Let's look at the list so far for your track record:

#1: You succeeded in making your subordinates disrespect you and feel shocked because of the way you handle things "corporately"

#2: You are good at deciding first, let the consequences happen, then realise you can do it differently [but NEVER really admitting you were at fault]

#3: You are REALLY good at cutting people's sentences before they can finish, thanks for being rude.

#4: A private dispute was made PUBLIC thanks to you

#5: The only thing you know about those that you're supposed to care for is based on another experienced person's information, how about YOU making the effort here to know the public?

#6: You involve your subordinate's opinion and input ONLY when it benefits you to do so, if it doesn't, you wave us away. Pffffft.

#7: Please remember that this is not a public school, a public invitation to go into a fist fight is such an unprofessional suggestion really

#8: Stop acting like you know it all

#9: I will never forget you trying to sweet talk me to get me on "your side", whatever happened to "I know you're one of the most experienced and I can count on you to help out"? I guess you don't really regard me as an asset now because I decided not to play your game anymore :D

#10: Last but not least, the good that the rest of us have been doing for the past few years have all been messed up, undone, and screwed up in a matter of less than 6 month's time. So much for corporate experience and so called professionalism.

If I give in and let you get to me, you would have won the battle, right? Trying to dig up my background doesn't really benefit you in any way. I won't say it's because I'm clean, but I'll say that because I have nothing to fear. I can deal with it.

But can you deal with it when things come crashing down on you?

Who will you turn to? What will you resort to doing?

There was a time where this place was a place of harmony, peace and fellowship. Now, I walk and I can sense the unrest, bondage and fear that floats around. In the past, we prayed for the devil to be banished from our midst and things were awesome.

Now, he seems to be having the last laugh at us.

No way, I'm not standing for this! I have a Jesus who is bigger than who Satan is, and better than anything you could ever ask or think of.

So I don't need your precious judgement on what kind of employee I am. Being submissive means following instructions as long as it doesn't result in sinning against God. Being submissive means following instructions because I'm listening to God, not you, so please don't perasan and think I'm actually listening to you.

God is my real boss, not you.

My own secret place

Whilst the crowd gathers, I've chosen a different way to spend my time. To just stay put where I am, to reread things that I haven't read for awhile. To put a full stop and even withdraw from normal communal activities. There's no real reason except I just want to

STOP.

Stop and ponder.

Stop and gaze.

Stop and wonder.

Stop and listen.

Stop and count.

Stop and look.

Stop and enjoy.

Just to stop and look at the so common and mundane things in life like sitting and being able to write like this after the longest time. Just to stop and start thinking about things ahead of me. Somehow, singing about it doesn't really pique my fancy for this time. I can hear and think clearly when I'm away tucked in my corner typing away.

Slowing down the gears mentally while all is in a flurry of activity [Awards night + Christmas] is tough but I feel it's just so necessary for my well being and satisfaction. Slowing down gives me the opportunity to zoom in and focus on areas I need to rid myself of stress for 2011.

I have tons of things on my mind, issues that haven't been dealt with, circumstances that I'm dealing at the moment, and all this has made me decide to stop and recollect my thoughts before I move into high gear and finish up the rest of this year which is ending in another 45 days.

I think the only thing that has been consistent so far is photo taking. A hobby from age 10 finally became more than a hobby this year. Here are my favourite pictures for the year 2010:

And now, to stop this blog post and head for another nap before I go out for some shopping : )

i give up

Things have never changed.

At the end of the day, people are all the same, the Bible says, under the sun. Nothing that has happened now is any different with what has happened in the past and it will continually repeat itself because all is vanity and pointless.

I remember those countless nights where I lay sobbing and stifling cries that only God knew about. I remember a phone-call to a student, where I broke down crying because the emotion of the moment finally overwhelmed me.

I remember those days when I could honestly say with confidence just how much faith I have and "come what may"

I'm thankful God never spurns doubters.

So many things have been happening:

#1: People fired out of the blue and for reasons that are slightly less from being human

#2: The inevitable fact that I will lose comrades who are working with me

#3: The weight of "keeping things together" at work is immensely burdensome and tiring

#4: My kids are unsettled with all the never-ending drama that happens on an almost daily basis

#5: Losing a few kids to suspension, so not cool and so not happy about it :'(

#6: The feeling of being under surveillance irritates me

#7: New management at the workplace :S

#8: Battling depression with the approaching 3-0 and just how real life can be concerning this

#9: My slowly but surely dying car :(

#10: Idiots who aren't interested in caring for my kids, but are ruining their lives for them :S

#11: Letting go of Mr. Someone and letting reality sink in a bit more

#12: Not knowing what to do with Uncle K. gone from us

#13: Not being able to tell anyone what's going on in my life

Whatever, the list is just a fraction compared to the complexity of feelings that I carry on a daily basis. Sometimes, you want to escape familiarity. I have strong urges to take my car and drive until I'm out of town and I'm alone looking at the evening sky or dawn. The only times when I feel at peace with the world and leave reality for a while is when I drive on the highway and all I have around me is the great expanse of the sky at my disposal.

Those brief moments keep me sane. They keep me from cracking under pressure.

What I wouldn't give to see a broad sky before me right now :|

is there anyway, to be made whole again?

will my scars forever ruin all Your plans?