i give up

Things have never changed.

At the end of the day, people are all the same, the Bible says, under the sun. Nothing that has happened now is any different with what has happened in the past and it will continually repeat itself because all is vanity and pointless.

I remember those countless nights where I lay sobbing and stifling cries that only God knew about. I remember a phone-call to a student, where I broke down crying because the emotion of the moment finally overwhelmed me.

I remember those days when I could honestly say with confidence just how much faith I have and "come what may"

I'm thankful God never spurns doubters.

So many things have been happening:

#1: People fired out of the blue and for reasons that are slightly less from being human

#2: The inevitable fact that I will lose comrades who are working with me

#3: The weight of "keeping things together" at work is immensely burdensome and tiring

#4: My kids are unsettled with all the never-ending drama that happens on an almost daily basis

#5: Losing a few kids to suspension, so not cool and so not happy about it :'(

#6: The feeling of being under surveillance irritates me

#7: New management at the workplace :S

#8: Battling depression with the approaching 3-0 and just how real life can be concerning this

#9: My slowly but surely dying car :(

#10: Idiots who aren't interested in caring for my kids, but are ruining their lives for them :S

#11: Letting go of Mr. Someone and letting reality sink in a bit more

#12: Not knowing what to do with Uncle K. gone from us

#13: Not being able to tell anyone what's going on in my life

Whatever, the list is just a fraction compared to the complexity of feelings that I carry on a daily basis. Sometimes, you want to escape familiarity. I have strong urges to take my car and drive until I'm out of town and I'm alone looking at the evening sky or dawn. The only times when I feel at peace with the world and leave reality for a while is when I drive on the highway and all I have around me is the great expanse of the sky at my disposal.

Those brief moments keep me sane. They keep me from cracking under pressure.

What I wouldn't give to see a broad sky before me right now :|

is there anyway, to be made whole again?

will my scars forever ruin all Your plans?