dear mom and dad

i am yet again presented with how fragile life is.

a few minutes ago, i read about a teen whose dad just slipped away in the wee hours of the morning at a young age. her blog talked about how her night before was just any normal night and before the plans for the next day were to commence, he was gone.

he was gone. just like that.

i can't for one moment comprehend how it feels to just lose someone so dear. truth be told, family has always been a very sticky issue for me.

my parents got separated before I could even understand what the word separate meant. later on, around the age of 10, they were officially divorced. again, it had no impact on me because dad was always an absent dad from the day I could remember my earliest childhood days.

can i be honest? i don't even know how he looks like. my mind can't even call up an image of him or a recollection of his voice at all. to be even more blunt, all he ever left me was a family name to carry. no bedtime stories that i could remember. no hugs. no exclamations of "happy birthday!". even the times when mom said he'd drive me around in his motorcycle when i was a toddler were only because mom paid for his petrol. the last i remember of him was crying and hiding from him when he tried to look for me in school and during Chinese New Year. i was that afraid of him for some reason.

what about mom? that's another crazy love affair. ever since I could remember, my mom has always been there for me. i remember her bringing me to the kindergarden class and waving goodbye at me during standard 1. i remember her making the best cookies and cakes in the whole wide world (she still does) and i would always be allowed to finish the cookie batter and lick the icing out of the mixing bowl.

mom was strict however. every mark missing from 100% would earn me one stroke from the wooden ruler. however, the pain was reduced to a harmless sting as i grew older and less afraid of the ruler :p but i would always feel my best was never enough for her.

mom's stubborn. the number of fights and arguments we've gotten into ever since I was 13 until even now shows just how steadfast she is in her own opinions. we've fought until we didn't talk for days and weeks. we've shouted at each other. mom has tried to bang down my room door once.

mom never admits her mistakes. she comes from a family where the parents are always right. she used to tell me how her dad (my grandfather) would slap her across the face until his palm was imprinted in her face just because she screamed at a cockroach. i know grandma would always insist her way even if mom was right. and somehow, history repeats itself with me and mom. whenever i manage to catch her contradicting herself, she'll just brush it off, "whatever I say is right, because I'm your mother!" to date, i have never heard her say sorry and my sorries never seem to be enough for her either.

my parents are not the most perfect people in the world. my most important moments in life were spent without them by my side. the times when i wanted someone to understand me, they were too caught up with work and would be too tired to listen properly. it was even more disheartening to find out that perhaps i was a product of unchecked passion and that they weren't that ready to be parents.

but for what its worth, life is too short.

i'm going to try to make things worthwhile.

take mom out for a long delayed Mother's Day meal and listen to her complain about life. i might not like the complaining part, but she did carry me for 9 months in her womb without complaining either.

i will seriously consider calling up my relatives from my dad's side and reconnect. i changed my number and i never did call back to tell them about that because I was just too scared to one day meet my dad.

i want to meet him and tell him that everyone makes mistakes and i don't hate him anymore for it. i want to tell him that we can start to get to know each other again and its not too late for those birthday celebrations and going out together.

i want to tell you mom, that i'm sorry if i couldn't get my act together when you wanted me to. i want to be a different daughter to you as much as i can. it's not going to be easy since both of us always want to have the final say. but i'm willing to try. i am still that little girl who used to make fake tulip flowers for you every year of your birthday : )

i just realised that no matter how much my mom drives me up the wall and how much my dad has been absent for all these years they are still the ones who gave me life. i am glad i was not aborted and they decided to keep me. even if they were imperfect in the process in raising me, but they did.

mom and dad. i'm going to try to make things different from now on. i promise.

passing thoughts

somehow, i think you know that i've been thinking and questioning a lot of things in my life. commitment and passion have been two of the many things that have been racing through my thoughts. if you didn't realise, i've taken a stance to be on the sidelines because i think we've all been so into things until we're starting to miss the point.

is life all about spouting out dogmatic principles? were they dogmatic in the first place?

i feel like its too much of an exclusive club already and i've decided to terminate my membership because i find that the things I used to believe in now seem like white-washed dogmatic propaganda.

along the way, the things we used to do with so much passion and reverence, now seem like meaningless activities that I obligingly attend. For the laughs? For the company? For the fact that though we vowed never to have cliques, you formed the cliques nevertheless. Something that you despised previously.

someone asked me on Sunday, are things all right already with you. I had to smile at that question. Somehow, I managed to say that things are ok. Somehow, without realising, I had decided to walk ahead of you. Somehow, I am tempted to begin to believe that life would be a whole lot better the way it is now between us.

but things are still the same old. I can't deny it. i could choose not to even give two hoots about how you feel and what you think, but i still do. and no matter what, you are still like family to me.

can i say it doesn't hurt still? i can't. honestly, it's never stopped hurting. but somehow, this current condition now seems to suit the flow of things. and yes, i know Friday is a holiday. thank you very much : )

i mean what i said today.

you've done your best, you don't owe anyone anything.

the best i want you to be is to live a life where you stop thinking its your fault.

you have done your best, and I'm proud of you for being so strong. much stronger than before.

i'm an idealistic fool i am.

i still believe that if you try hard enough, you do the right things and follow your heart...

... things will be all right.

that somehow, in the mess of confusion, doubt, tears, anger, loneliness and nonsense... hope still prevails. that there is some way or another where I will find the answers that i seek.

however, i do not appreciate people who try to analyse me and come up with their own conclusions how to run my life for me. seriously, get a life. you mean well, but you didn't mean well too. if that's too complicated a sentence, then don't bother thinking about it. that is how complicated my thoughts are :) trying to reach a conclusion on my behalf is not trying to give me answers. i never did think you really put any thought into your words when you talked to me.

thanks for allowing me to be there for you when you needed someone. but that's how far the thanks went i suppose.

because you're the kind of friend who would never dare to venture out of the safe zone and find out what's been going on in my life. the reason why i'm bitter at times is because you decided to listen selectively and you expected me to be someone i never was. i can't stand the fact that i'm supposed to accept the trash people give me and when I can't help it and can only find trash to offer, people chide me for being childish. pffft.

and yes, i'm being really bad about managing my online outbursts and thoughts.

that's the first matter of concern that comes to mind first, right? just be totally honest and admit that part at least. i can't believe i used to respect you for the transparency i thought we had.

read it. its in past tense.

you're cowardice disgusts me.

i ♥ the noise we make

I absolutely ♥ Wednesday May 19th because of a few reasons:

#1: I met up with a bunch of lovely peeps - the YouthQuakers

For those who are ill-informed, New Straits Times used to have a youth section named YouthQuake and I used to work as a stringer (part timer) there to write articles and stuff. Meeting up and talking/laughing/making noise with this bunch of people really brought back memories of what we've been through in those days (which was roughly SEVEN years ago).

#2: Inspiration

Hearing each other talk about our life's journey so far, we all seem to be heading towards a phase where we want to be able to give more to life. We're all in our late 20s and I realise as we head towards the unavoidable 30 we can look at it with dread or anticipation. Looks like, we're all starting to realise that our existence on earth can only be justified if we are able to contribute to society, to the people around us, we are after all, meant to live for so much more : )

What else can I say? I'm so thankful and blessed to have this set of friends. A group of people that after so many years, though we've travelled in different circles of life, are still able to laugh/talk/make noise like how we used to in the old YQ days : ) i pity Betty's Midwest Kitchen for the amount of noise pollution generated that night and Baskin Robbins for having to chase us out by rolling the shutter down AND turning off the lights :p

But it was a night well spent with some old friends. Mark, our favourite Vet, here's to a safe journey to the USA and know that even though the continents divide us, YQuakers will still find a way to unite and continue a friendship and kinship that I believe was not an accident.

i ♥ YouthQuake : )

egg cartons in the music room

you can handle it.

and i will respect that.

where there is a chance to reconcile, do so.

hate takes more effort than forgiveness.

where there is a chance to care, don't hesitate.

there are lonely people out there.

where there is a chance to love, just do it.

don't underestimate it's power.

where there is a chance to grow, embrace it.

it's your destiny.

you were meant to live for so much more ~ Switchfoot

congratulations?

thank you for respecting my wishes and I finally got what I wanted. somehow, i knew that prayer was going to be answered and I'm thankful for that blessing.

but why is it that I feel even more rotten on the inside now?

maybe its because of the way you congratulated me?

maybe its because after knowing you for this period of time, i realise that it's been a cat and mouse game all the while?

maybe because all the while you don't think it's worth it to reconsider and let things go?

or is it time for all of us to start moving on to another place?

honestly, i wish i could tell you how i really feel.

i wish i could be so upfront, that i could just grab you by the lapels of your coat and demand that you set aside all disagreements, all prejudices, hurts and scars and just listen to me.

don't any of you realise what's going to happen if you let things just continue to slide the way they are now?

why should i stay if the very reason why i'm continuing this fight is lost in the midst of regulations, formality and politics?

there is no point to stay. unless you can begin to understand where I'm coming from.

it is absolutely pointless to stay if i wake up the next day wondering if things will ever be the same.

it is pointless to get things in the manner you want it and you sacrifice the right things that we should be holding onto.

i refuse to watch things crumble and fall. i refuse to see and watch bit by bit how your actions are going to affect all of them. no way am I going to let you ever do that. you stay away from them!

so what was the congratulations for? congratulations that you managed to stop me from leaving?

what am i staying back for now?

You tell me.

Because right now, the only option seems to be to just quit it all because you don't even know why I'm staying back for anyway.

when i'm done convincing my heart to stop caring. i will say my goodbyes. you can bet on it.

come Home

what if the only thing that fills your heart is disappointment?

what if the only thing that occupies your mind are those pictures of failure?

what if the only thing that floods your memories are words that cut and torment?

what if the only solution was to go back and revisit that place of disappoint, failure, cuts and torment?

as he lay there, amidst the dirt and sweat, hardly having a cover to shield himself from the approaching cold of the night; he lay there pondering his fate.

go back and face the music? go back and have nothing waiting for him?

only a fool would return to a place that he himself had turned his back on.

even now, those words rang in his ears as he fought to shut out those dark memories.

"i just want what is rightfully mine, old man! its mine anyway!"

"just shut up, and give me the money. my ride's waiting for me."

if the words weren't enough, the haunted expression and sadness framed in the eyes of the one he called Father was etched into his soul. he tossed and turned on the straw, trying desperately to shake off that feeling of remorse and guilt.

he could still hear the cries calling him to stop, to reconsider...

to come Home.

i hate being an adult

it started in the beginning of April.

so many doubts, questions and frustrations had been welling within me.

that was when the first thought of leaving ran through my mind.

usually, i'd be able to unstuck these thoughts because it's totally not me to leave anything.

but the idea didn't get unstuck ):

the whole month flew by while I procrastinated in executing that one action that would make leaving possible. it wasn't about writing it down and telling someone that I wanted to leave. it wasn't as easy as rushing to tie up the loose ends so that whoever came to replace me would not find a mess. it wasn't also making sure that everything was in tip top condition so that I could leave feeling that i've done a good job and left excellence behind. i delayed, set aside and refrained from doing it.

i just couldn't find a way to get my heart to stop caring.

oh, if i could find a way to steel myself, to harden my heart. just so that I'd be able to ignore that lump in my throat that i'd get whenever I recalled all the awesome memories and triumphs of the past. because it wasn't just me alone who created or had those days, it was because of them that I can possess those wonderful and inspiring moments.

even now my heart aches as it considers that i might not be a part of that process ever again.

even now as i ponder my fate and consider my future, somehow the prospect of not having all of you in it scares me and my heart once again asks, no, begs, me to reconsider.

i did what i had to do as adult. i only decided what i had to decide to be able to watch out for myself. but somehow in that process, i felt that i've been such a big liar to my own principles. i feel that i've let down those who know just how stubborn and set i am with my beliefs and ideals. whether they knew it or not, i owe them an explanation on why i'm abandoning the very thing that defines my heart beat right now for the past few years ever since they became a part of my life.

i'm not ready to say goodbye yet. not just yet.

you three know just how difficult it is for me to make that decision and in your special way you've supported, advised and reminded me just how important it is to pray and commit to God every single decision.

thank you guy + girls : )

do i have a back up plan if things really go the way i don't want them to be?

i don't. even though something good did come by today, i decided without a hesitation to drop it.

because...

i love you too much to not be there for you until November next year.

i'll do whatever it takes to see you reach your dream.

i'm not giving up on you no matter how many times you give up on yourself.

you.have.a.good.brain.

i want to keep the promises that i made to you.