passing thoughts

somehow, i think you know that i've been thinking and questioning a lot of things in my life. commitment and passion have been two of the many things that have been racing through my thoughts. if you didn't realise, i've taken a stance to be on the sidelines because i think we've all been so into things until we're starting to miss the point.

is life all about spouting out dogmatic principles? were they dogmatic in the first place?

i feel like its too much of an exclusive club already and i've decided to terminate my membership because i find that the things I used to believe in now seem like white-washed dogmatic propaganda.

along the way, the things we used to do with so much passion and reverence, now seem like meaningless activities that I obligingly attend. For the laughs? For the company? For the fact that though we vowed never to have cliques, you formed the cliques nevertheless. Something that you despised previously.

someone asked me on Sunday, are things all right already with you. I had to smile at that question. Somehow, I managed to say that things are ok. Somehow, without realising, I had decided to walk ahead of you. Somehow, I am tempted to begin to believe that life would be a whole lot better the way it is now between us.

but things are still the same old. I can't deny it. i could choose not to even give two hoots about how you feel and what you think, but i still do. and no matter what, you are still like family to me.

can i say it doesn't hurt still? i can't. honestly, it's never stopped hurting. but somehow, this current condition now seems to suit the flow of things. and yes, i know Friday is a holiday. thank you very much : )

i mean what i said today.

you've done your best, you don't owe anyone anything.

the best i want you to be is to live a life where you stop thinking its your fault.

you have done your best, and I'm proud of you for being so strong. much stronger than before.

i'm an idealistic fool i am.

i still believe that if you try hard enough, you do the right things and follow your heart...

... things will be all right.

that somehow, in the mess of confusion, doubt, tears, anger, loneliness and nonsense... hope still prevails. that there is some way or another where I will find the answers that i seek.

however, i do not appreciate people who try to analyse me and come up with their own conclusions how to run my life for me. seriously, get a life. you mean well, but you didn't mean well too. if that's too complicated a sentence, then don't bother thinking about it. that is how complicated my thoughts are :) trying to reach a conclusion on my behalf is not trying to give me answers. i never did think you really put any thought into your words when you talked to me.

thanks for allowing me to be there for you when you needed someone. but that's how far the thanks went i suppose.

because you're the kind of friend who would never dare to venture out of the safe zone and find out what's been going on in my life. the reason why i'm bitter at times is because you decided to listen selectively and you expected me to be someone i never was. i can't stand the fact that i'm supposed to accept the trash people give me and when I can't help it and can only find trash to offer, people chide me for being childish. pffft.

and yes, i'm being really bad about managing my online outbursts and thoughts.

that's the first matter of concern that comes to mind first, right? just be totally honest and admit that part at least. i can't believe i used to respect you for the transparency i thought we had.

read it. its in past tense.

you're cowardice disgusts me.