dear mom and dad

i am yet again presented with how fragile life is.

a few minutes ago, i read about a teen whose dad just slipped away in the wee hours of the morning at a young age. her blog talked about how her night before was just any normal night and before the plans for the next day were to commence, he was gone.

he was gone. just like that.

i can't for one moment comprehend how it feels to just lose someone so dear. truth be told, family has always been a very sticky issue for me.

my parents got separated before I could even understand what the word separate meant. later on, around the age of 10, they were officially divorced. again, it had no impact on me because dad was always an absent dad from the day I could remember my earliest childhood days.

can i be honest? i don't even know how he looks like. my mind can't even call up an image of him or a recollection of his voice at all. to be even more blunt, all he ever left me was a family name to carry. no bedtime stories that i could remember. no hugs. no exclamations of "happy birthday!". even the times when mom said he'd drive me around in his motorcycle when i was a toddler were only because mom paid for his petrol. the last i remember of him was crying and hiding from him when he tried to look for me in school and during Chinese New Year. i was that afraid of him for some reason.

what about mom? that's another crazy love affair. ever since I could remember, my mom has always been there for me. i remember her bringing me to the kindergarden class and waving goodbye at me during standard 1. i remember her making the best cookies and cakes in the whole wide world (she still does) and i would always be allowed to finish the cookie batter and lick the icing out of the mixing bowl.

mom was strict however. every mark missing from 100% would earn me one stroke from the wooden ruler. however, the pain was reduced to a harmless sting as i grew older and less afraid of the ruler :p but i would always feel my best was never enough for her.

mom's stubborn. the number of fights and arguments we've gotten into ever since I was 13 until even now shows just how steadfast she is in her own opinions. we've fought until we didn't talk for days and weeks. we've shouted at each other. mom has tried to bang down my room door once.

mom never admits her mistakes. she comes from a family where the parents are always right. she used to tell me how her dad (my grandfather) would slap her across the face until his palm was imprinted in her face just because she screamed at a cockroach. i know grandma would always insist her way even if mom was right. and somehow, history repeats itself with me and mom. whenever i manage to catch her contradicting herself, she'll just brush it off, "whatever I say is right, because I'm your mother!" to date, i have never heard her say sorry and my sorries never seem to be enough for her either.

my parents are not the most perfect people in the world. my most important moments in life were spent without them by my side. the times when i wanted someone to understand me, they were too caught up with work and would be too tired to listen properly. it was even more disheartening to find out that perhaps i was a product of unchecked passion and that they weren't that ready to be parents.

but for what its worth, life is too short.

i'm going to try to make things worthwhile.

take mom out for a long delayed Mother's Day meal and listen to her complain about life. i might not like the complaining part, but she did carry me for 9 months in her womb without complaining either.

i will seriously consider calling up my relatives from my dad's side and reconnect. i changed my number and i never did call back to tell them about that because I was just too scared to one day meet my dad.

i want to meet him and tell him that everyone makes mistakes and i don't hate him anymore for it. i want to tell him that we can start to get to know each other again and its not too late for those birthday celebrations and going out together.

i want to tell you mom, that i'm sorry if i couldn't get my act together when you wanted me to. i want to be a different daughter to you as much as i can. it's not going to be easy since both of us always want to have the final say. but i'm willing to try. i am still that little girl who used to make fake tulip flowers for you every year of your birthday : )

i just realised that no matter how much my mom drives me up the wall and how much my dad has been absent for all these years they are still the ones who gave me life. i am glad i was not aborted and they decided to keep me. even if they were imperfect in the process in raising me, but they did.

mom and dad. i'm going to try to make things different from now on. i promise.