i hate being an adult

it started in the beginning of April.

so many doubts, questions and frustrations had been welling within me.

that was when the first thought of leaving ran through my mind.

usually, i'd be able to unstuck these thoughts because it's totally not me to leave anything.

but the idea didn't get unstuck ):

the whole month flew by while I procrastinated in executing that one action that would make leaving possible. it wasn't about writing it down and telling someone that I wanted to leave. it wasn't as easy as rushing to tie up the loose ends so that whoever came to replace me would not find a mess. it wasn't also making sure that everything was in tip top condition so that I could leave feeling that i've done a good job and left excellence behind. i delayed, set aside and refrained from doing it.

i just couldn't find a way to get my heart to stop caring.

oh, if i could find a way to steel myself, to harden my heart. just so that I'd be able to ignore that lump in my throat that i'd get whenever I recalled all the awesome memories and triumphs of the past. because it wasn't just me alone who created or had those days, it was because of them that I can possess those wonderful and inspiring moments.

even now my heart aches as it considers that i might not be a part of that process ever again.

even now as i ponder my fate and consider my future, somehow the prospect of not having all of you in it scares me and my heart once again asks, no, begs, me to reconsider.

i did what i had to do as adult. i only decided what i had to decide to be able to watch out for myself. but somehow in that process, i felt that i've been such a big liar to my own principles. i feel that i've let down those who know just how stubborn and set i am with my beliefs and ideals. whether they knew it or not, i owe them an explanation on why i'm abandoning the very thing that defines my heart beat right now for the past few years ever since they became a part of my life.

i'm not ready to say goodbye yet. not just yet.

you three know just how difficult it is for me to make that decision and in your special way you've supported, advised and reminded me just how important it is to pray and commit to God every single decision.

thank you guy + girls : )

do i have a back up plan if things really go the way i don't want them to be?

i don't. even though something good did come by today, i decided without a hesitation to drop it.

because...

i love you too much to not be there for you until November next year.

i'll do whatever it takes to see you reach your dream.

i'm not giving up on you no matter how many times you give up on yourself.

you.have.a.good.brain.

i want to keep the promises that i made to you.