two more days

just two more days and i would have stepped into the year 2010, the year where the numbers are no longer single digits but two digits.. 2010...2011...2012.

I remember very well that the year 2020 was something that was constantly harped about in my primary school days... we already used to draw pictures of LRTs going through the big city of KL and hovercrafts and tons of technological gadgets. i wonder if the local authorities actually copied off our some of our childish ideas :p

but what i remember even more was that i would secretly count the years that i was away from 2020. i would always gasp and be filled with a mixture of excitement-fear-anticipation all rolled into one. I would be THIRTY EIGHT by the year 2020 O_O

i know, those who know me would probably say at this point, "Only someone like Mei Ling would have thought of this even at her age" [note: they just mean i'm being weird :p]

well, 2010 approaches and i rack up another year to add to my age and i find myself standing at a distance of 10 years to the year 2020 I am still filled with that same sense of excitement-fear-anticipation. There's something significant in the space of 10 years.

When I finished Form 5 and at the age of 18 I decided to take on Form 6 instead of a diploma straight away and I found myself in a totally different school environment. It's not really because of school pride that I love CBN so much but because in that school, I learnt to believe in dreams and look far ahead. The culture of the school was to breed excellence and to strive to be on the top in all circumstances. I had an English teacher who loved to bring out of classroom things into our lives and used books, famous people and words to inspire us to see beyond ourselves.

I remember at 18, I realised that there was a part of me that needed to be filled by something and my journey of wanting to know the meaning of life started then. I remember thinking to myself, "10 years from now, where will I be?"

i wanted to be a medical doctor. I studied Biology & Chemistry in a college i swore i wouldn't enter because it was so "chinese". I worked as a reporter during my sem breaks. I failed my studies but miraculously still graduated with a degree from the Liverpool John Moores University in the UK. I worked as a research assistant in University Malaya researching national unity and translating articles... and now...

I'm a teacher. The first job that I declared to my friends that I would NEVER in my life take.

But is it such a surprise if those who have inspired me thus far in my life have been teachers?

Teacher Low

Madam Soong

Mrs. Raihah

Mrs. Ramdas

Miss Chia

Jesus

They were all teachers :p it was in God's planning after all for the past 10 years from 18 until now that as i turn 28 soon that His hand has led me on this journey so far to this point of my life.

And right now, as I am turning 28 and I pray ahead for the year 2010 and also look in anticipation that when I reach the year 2020 I will be turning 38... i wonder what does God have in store for me? Fear of the great unknown? Excitement for new things to come? Anticipation of success and accomplishment? I have all of these and it is comforting to know that the years to come I am not alone.

I am grateful that God has left around me so many hint and promises of His goodness for me thus far - my family, my friends, church, cell group, colleagues at work, my wonderful kids at school. There have been moments that would have been unbearable if these things were not there to remind me of His goodness everyday.

But most precious are those moments in this past year when things were going out of control that I could turn to God and cry and ask for comfort. Thank You for the days when I would be carrying defeat in my heart because of something that was said or done, where I would slip away for just 5 minutes to shed some tears in the toilet God has seen those days. Thank You for the days when I'm driving and I totally lose my sense of direction and He gives me instant guidance.

Thank You for the days when I am stubborn and yet You call out to me to return to You. Thank You for the moments when I think I am not worthy to serve You and yet You still invite me to partake of Your works.

Truly as I look now into 2010, I see God being in it. I see that He has already laid out a masterplan that is crafted specially for me to walk in it. He has prepared the blueprints way ahead of time and taken time to plan, decide and execute His plans for my future. I have yet to walk into 2010 yet but I know in my spirit, that He will neither leave me nor forsake me to the wiles of the world.

I'm not just looking at 2010, but I'm already anticipating the next 1o years and i know that they will be great ones because after 10 years I'm already seeing things like marriages along the way, children born and growing up, ministries increasing, my kids in school all grown up and inspiring future generations... the list goes on : )

i'm shaking off the year 2009 and stepping into an entirely new 2010. in Jesus' name, amen!

and now... the pictures that i ♥ the most in 2009!

Today is the day You've made, and I will sing for joy.. and I will be glad in it ♥

Dear Mr. Someone : )

Dear Mr. Someone,

Somehow, I didn't expect to dream about you so fast. This is probably the first ever dream to have and to feel the things I felt and see the things I saw.

I didn't see your face. But I felt your hand : )

We didn't do much in the dream, but all I know and I am going to remember it for quite a while because of the way you turned, and took hold of my left hand. I could feel the warmth of your palm and I couldn't help smile when I realised that you held it protectively and lovingly.

Is that going to be the same feeling when we walk down the aisle?

Oh gosh, you make me feel like i'm a young teenage girl gushing about a boyband in her magazine. But well, you were always the only one so far who could make my heart flutter this much. You have no idea.

When I woke up from my dream of you, i woke up with a smile : )

Somehow Mr. Someone, I know that no matter what, you'll always be there for me. That through thick and thin we'll stand together and see things through. I know we'll be a team in the things we do and since we're team mates, we won't abandon each other either!

So for now, I shall treasure what I have around me. I shall pray and ask God to lead me to you and you to me. No matter how impossible it seems at times in my current circumstance, I still would believe in you.

I know when we're going to spend time together as a team.. we'll enjoy the chats, the laughs and the moments where our hands are joined as one and we'll just "hang out" and ...

enjoy being us : )

Merry Christmas and Blessed New Year, Mr. Someone. I hope 2010 brings you joy, success and inspiration. May the One we both worship and adore lead you to greater heights and planes of blessings more than you could ever ask or think for.

Good night. Be safe.

Love,

Catherine

the real reason for this season

did you feel the Christmas atmosphere around you this year?

how do YOU define christmas?

stockings? santa claus?

christmas trees? reindeer?

presents? lights? mistletoe?

one day, the candy cane will lose its appeal.

christmas carols will sound repetitive.

the lights on the tree will fade and not be burning bright.

presents are just a formality we practice on the 25th.

since when was Christmas about this anyway?

it commemorates the birth of our Savior and Lord

Jesus Christ.

the day when Hope was born on earth.

Not just wishful hoping or brave hope.

But literally the Hope, the Solution

the Answer to mankind's cry for a true Christmas was born.

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Take Him out of it, and you probably just have another festive holiday

where you decorate your house

and find an excuse to go out to have a good eating with friends and family.

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Bring Him into it and it brings meaning to life.

It holds hope for those who have lost hope.

It lights up our perspective to see that there is more to life than a celebration.

Life is about knowing why on earth we were placed here in the first place.

Life is about finding out the significance of Christmas.

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Is He the reason for YOUR season in your life right now?

thank God we didn't argue like Emma and Liv

was contemplating whether i should have talked to you about it in the very beginning.

but in the end, the contemplation ended with a decision and we did talk about it.

things turned slightly ugly, words flew and in the end, one finds that two good friends are shedding tears.

i wonder, was it worth it all?

just only yesterday i mentioned to someone, that friendships have their stormy moments and a good, strong and sturdy friendship should stand the test of time. A firm friendship is not shaken by circumstance and neither is it broken over a few words.

were the tears worth it?

memories of you: braces. a saman before turning 18. going off to NS and missing you lots. going through Shawn's passing. going for visitations "or else". making "brownies". korean food. picking up that black furball. vandalising a certain person's red car at night. talking things out. laughing. candid video at kanching. praying in the room every saturday. contending in faith.

you know, the list could go on. and i think one day, there'll be so many memories that i can't even remember enough to write it all down. because i know our friendship is made to last. it can and will stand the test of time.

the tears were worth it.

because it shows that we still care for each other.

it shows that despite it all, angry as we can get with each other because of our differences, the journey of our own individual paths in life and the decisions we make and follow...

we're still friends.

you'll be there for me, and i'll be there for you.

and yes, i will come because of your threat.

not talking to me for the rest of our lives can be quite life-threatening : )

but most of all i will come because i want to come.

2010

jumpshots. pavillion. B&R sundaes. smiles. jokes. long distance trips. farewells. reunions. food. hugs. arguments. resolutions. grief. achievements. revelations. change. distance. coldness. confusion. purpose. love. hate. loneliness. photography. blogging. hands. monopoly. drinks. dota. death. decisions. birthdays. weddings. babies. KFC. Up. The Ugly Truth. handphones. facebook. msn. warmth. friendships. enmity. family. breakages. reality. idealism. truth. lies. uncertainty. reason. illusions. lust. pride. envy. grudges. disappointments. hope. faith. money. grabbing. dance. songs. performance. maturity. hesitations.

a 2009 mix.

it's been a great one.

2010.. are you ready?

ARGH

tonight i am at a loss of words.

i editted and reeditted my blog post nonstop.

this is the 6th time i'm rewritting this.

that says alot already about me.

Kind Consideration and Maturity

she screams into the silence.

not even an echo returns.

life is such that you wish you could be able to be brutally honest about your actual condition. i suppose you can, but brace yourself for the comments that come your way.

she's too afraid to hear what she knows she will hear.

grow up. let it go. you should know this better than anyone else.

it's in the past. why are you letting it bother you?

it's your own choice in being where you are now.

so many voices echo in her mind. with all those considerations, why should she bother to be honest? why bother to bare it all when it brings no benefit?

its just not the right timing. it's not the right mind to be in. it's not the right thing to even be bothered about.

it's just not right.

so lets do the right thing.

so she decided to bury her heart and start 2010 differently.

away from it all.

away from herself.

away from anything that could possibly pose as a threat again.

out with the old, in with the new.

Dec 18 comes in less than 24 hours.

it will be a sleepless night to commemorate this event.

that... is the right thing to do.

year end thoughts and resolutions

one of the greatest things in life is to have loved. and not only that, to have loved and not regret making that decision to love.

there have been moments when i wonder if love is really worth my time, effort and heart. there have been days when i wake up and ask myself if i exist not to love, then what is the point of existing to begin with?

love is a risk. no one said love was a bed of roses.

to make it cliche even more... as a well known singer crooned,

"why does love always feel like a battlefield?"

if i don't fight for love, if i don't make a stand to love... then there really isn't any reason to be called human. after all, we're all created with the capacity to love. no one is born without having love in their hearts. we celebrate love in many forms all around the world - weddings, birthdays, engagements, graduations, baby showers, thanksgiving dinners ... etc.

we live for love.

we laugh because of love.

we cry because we love.

we get angry due to love.

we dream of love.

we yearn for love.

so many things in fact, almost everything seems connected to love.

it's taken me almost a year to figure out something. if i don't love something or someone, my heart won't be there.

for where your treasure is, there lies your heart too.

where is your heart today? is it in disappointment? does it sink into despair? or does it hang on the hopes of surviving barely each day? has your heart been caught in the tossing waves of the uncertainties of life?

my heart has been wandering for a long, long time. it really has. the ache it feels at times, makes me shy away from loving. the disappointment that i still taste at times moves me away from loving. the anger that still rages every now and then threatens to silence my heart and freeze it bit by bit as the days progress.

love isn't a drug. but it is a solution to the loneliness i might feel at times. love has helped me more than any book or website or help group i might seek counsel from. love has both inspired and encouraged me to take a deep breath and give myself another chance.

because when i see myself, i begin to see how You see me.

through the eyes of love.

through Your eyes of love.

You loved me despite of me giving up on myself for so long.

and for that my new year's resolutions are such:

#1: To learn to love myself more through You

#2: To learn to love others more through You

#3: To learn to teach others to love more through You

face lift

finally, after agonising for about two hours, i managed to settle on a blog skin thanks to the ever-patient Soph Chong. turns out it wasn't too bad in deciding and putting in the links and resizing stuff. in fact, it was fun : )

i miss the kids in school. going back the other day reminded me just how much i miss seeing my kids.

spent half a day at the new place having a meeting and deciding some things. found out that i have a new job assignment ><

after bumming in school, decided to go to 1U with Vicks and Ryan and we ate at A&W. Some smart people picked up the parking ticket when i dropped it unawares and to think for the rest of the day there were plotting behind my back :p after lunch, we went to the arcade. Ryan, i so beat you at that game :p then me and Ryan totally beat Vicks at foosball :D

school holidays feels like forever but i'm enjoying it so far. but part of me wants school to start again too. but this time, starting school without a bunch of seniors who have just graduated, makes me feel slightly melancholy.

i will miss those times when i can walk up to any of their tables, lean on it and sigh. and either one of them will look up with a smile and go, "Why? You stressed/tired ah?"

i am missing my graduates now.

lots.

Dear Friend,

Dear Friend,

I know you are somewhere out there. Those moments when I feel i need a different kind of comfort, the times when I just need a pair of arms to give me a warm embrace to console my broken pride. You're out there, somehow I know it.

The time or space that divides us doesn't really bother me. What bugs me is that I don't know your name yet. I don't even have an inkling of what you look like. But somehow it makes me wait all the more eagerly and anticipate just how you will be and how your voice will sound like when it speaks to me on the phone.

What kind of person will you be? I hope you have a sense of humour! I hope you will bear with my lame moments when I go all hyper and talk a lot of nonsense to de-stress! I know you're going to be understanding, sensitive and yet be firm about what you want to say and do. You know just how much I hate a person who has no convictions or their own opinions.

I wonder if you'll find me interesting in return? Will i fulfill what you want in a woman? Am i too noisy, demanding for you? If you do the cooking and I do the grocery shopping, will you mind? I like my rooms to be pastel in colour, can we negotiate how and what colours we'll choose to paint the rooms in the new house? Let's get a car that our kids' friends will say, "whoa..."!

Oh, there are just so many questions that i would like to ask you when you come around! I so look forward to those moments where we will learn to pray together and bless our futures together as we plan and organise our lives around one common purpose to glorify God in our journey together. I know i shall feel that knowing you has been the greatest blessing that He has given me and I hope i shall be a blessing to you in return as well.

I pray that one day when we meet, we will be given the wisdom to know that we're sharing a burden together. That we're in this not to complete each other but to be a help to each other. To utilise our different strengths and talents to build a family together. No longer it's "your thing" or "my thing".

I'm looking forward to that day, when we say "our" : )

I can almost feel your hand holding mine, and we feel secure of each other. doubts will come but time will be the test and the love we share will erase all fears and build a foundation of faith, hope and love. and those same hands will raise up a future generation that is secure on the testimony of our matrimony.

Until then, i shall close this letter. I know you haven't come yet, but you know that i love to imagine how things will be like. I'm sure you know how idealistic, fanciful and dreamy i can get at times. And I know you love me because of that : ) just as much as i love you for accepting me the way i am and loving me anyhow, anyway.

I haven't met you yet, but i already love you. One day, Mr. Someone. When I meet you, i'm going to show you this blog post. It doesn't matter if its a laughable matter to those who read it now, its my way of preparing my heart for you. that i know, God is preparing you for me. And when we do meet, can i read this to you? and read it at our wedding too? :p

love,

Catherine

p.s. i love you

Remove Not

Remove not these emotions that

you have placed within me

since the day I was created

Remove not the capability to feel happiness, hope,

determination, patience, love and thanksgiving

Remove not the capacity to feel compassion,

to feel that prick of my conscience to do

good and justice instead of evil

But most of all, remove not the ability to cry

when sadness sees fit for tears,

remove not the ability to feel sorrowful,

confused and lost at times

when my emotions seem to tether

between reality and a

self-conjured wall of security

Remove not the yearning to be

the person you want me to be and even more than that,

remove not the urge to make a difference in this life and

banish notions of wanting to just exist, breathe and eat

remove not these feelings that give me

a personality and character

That I may never lose the gift

you have placed within me

the difference that separates me from the animals and plants

You have given me a soul that is capable

of feeling the good and also the bad

a soul that rages against the unfairness of life

a soul that weeps when it is afflicted

a soul that learns day by day

to depend on you for renewal

restoration and redemption

Remove not the part of me

that makes me human, my friend

Remove not my feelings despite the pain

because without the pain

I would not have learnt to reach for you

for comfort and unfailing love

Remove not these feelings for they become

the stepping stones for me

stairways to honesty and acknowledgement

of the times when I fail

that you were there to accept

the wretched fool that I am

Remove them not, my friend

remove them not