the silence in the vacuum

can anyone hear the scream inside of me?

would you? could you? can you?

or do you even want to?

I know the right answer at the right time. I know what it means to "fill in the blanks". I know what is the reason. But somehow, asking for the obvious reason hurts more than mulling over it now.

I would rather be emo now. I would rather be confused and angry now. I would rather be all of this and be called immature than to actually talk about it because it somehow makes the wound even deeper and pushes reconciliation and reason even further out of the window.

I would rather leave. I would rather be forever branded as the person "who didn't understand". I would rather run away, leave things as they are and never look back. I would rather be all of that than to live a lie. I would rather be called with names and given labels than to open my mouth and give an excuse that I know my heart doesn't believe in.

My apologies. If you don't know what I'm talking about, please don't console me and tell me "things will work out somehow" or that "God would make a way". Don't give me that Sunday school nonsense because I know it better than anyone could. Don't patronise me and tell me that it is biblical and that by humbling myself I will find grace and promotion when the time comes. Don't give me that crap. And no, I am not insulting God's word. Please don't think you know me well enough to put a label on my words and actions. I am not that easily analysed.

But if you do know what I'm talking about then please... allow me to be in this moment. I don't know how long I would be in it. I'm not asking for pity, I'm not asking for attention. I'm not asking for a long lecture. I'm not asking for Bible verses.

I'm asking for someone to understand what it means when i say...

i feel like screaming.