the question we all need to consider

lately things have been happening.

some feel neglected.

there are some, who feel misunderstood.

yet there are also some, who wonder if it's worth anything at all.

for some, its a matter where there's no solution to it.

and some... are deciding whether running away from reality will solve it all.

but tonight, i want to be someone who wants to say something and talk to all of us, and that includes myself. I want to make known and be honest about how i feel.

things haven't been going well for some of us. For me, i've been feeling misunderstood [yeah, that one up there is for me]; i could be feeling lonely as well... I know for some of you, you're going through a stage of life where you're deciding what's important and essential for you. Some of us, painful things are happening to you right now in your emotional life and your heart is probably broken for don't-know how many times.

at one point, to be honest, a few nights ago... i wanted to just let everything go and give up on friendship. I wanted to just decide once and for all and make a choice. as I said to Connie, everything feels so messed up - we're not honest with our own friends, we would rather be sad and not tell anyone, we're going through tough times and don't seem to realise that there are people around us who care, etc etc. Things are so horribly messed up that I just want to stop caring because it's just too painful to see my friends go through all of this and yet they can't seem to find a way to communicate it out for the rest to know. Worst still, is when I hear things like, "... no one cares" or "...they care more for so-and-so..." or things like "..its okay, she's chosen her way, i can only watch her go her way..."

it's downright depressing. it is, i tell you.

the choice in my mind was simply: JUST WALK OUT OF ALL THIS CRAP.

the problem however was my heart wouldn't allow me to make that decision. even though i stormed out of the house that Sunday night feeling all stressed up and not feeling too happy for blowing my cool at home and swearing [yes, i swore], i paused at the door and said this to Connie,

"you can tell her... that even though she wants to give up on the friendship, even if from now we're not friends... you can tell her, i don't regret all the love, care and stuff i did for the friendship. i don't regret any single thing i did for the friendship."

and that's how i feel for all of you, specially those of you who know that you're closer to me than the rest. the ones who have been through stuff with, or i've gone through stuff with you, or together we've been through stuff...

things aren't perfect for you. i know. there are some of you that have been going through nights of not being able to sleep peacefully not just because of the weather or you're sick... it's also because your hearts are troubled with things that you have a hard time dealing with - disappointment, anger, fears.

things aren't perfect for you too. you've been bearing things in your heart and not been able to communicate how you feel about the way things are lately. you might get updates now and then through our Facebooks, emails or word of mouth, but i guess it might be tough for you to verbalise how you feel. not everyone knows how to verbalise and it's been a rough period for you. you've chosen a life that you know is God's will for you, but at the same time, maybe not everyone understands fully yet.

things aren't perfect for you either. you've been trying to shoulder some burdens that you should have shared with the rest of us a long time ago. you've probably heard and seen a lot happen around you and you've been wondering if things will ever get better. you're trying on your part to save the situation because you love us so much. you're definitely tired and maybe not caring so obviously would make you feel happier.

let me get this straight. We know that things aren't what they used to be. i'm not asking all of us to become 19 or 21 again and be college kids having a good time. but the fact is, we've lost a lot of closeness. we've been sweeping a lot of crumbs, leftover wastes and rubbish under the carpet and tried to act as if nothing is wrong. We've been trying to be "mature" about things and ignore the bulging pile building up under the carpet. Occasionally some of us venture underneath and look at the big pile of rubbish, but none of us go beyond skimming the surface and dealing with the root of the problem.

did we? have we? should we? - don't ask these questions anymore. i'm tired of asking myself and God whether i should or i shouldn't be writing this blog post even.

the question is: Will we?

will we be daring to take a stand for our friendship?

will we take that step of faith and put our friendship on the line and be honest about each other?

will we care enough to do something?

i want to meet up and talk. can you? will you?

you know how to reach me the fastest, right? : )