My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save

how did i come? i came with laughs and smiles, but inside, i was wondering and looking at all the faces wondering how far each one would be honest about themselves.

would it work? would we walk away having some form of confidence that we did it?

or would i leave that night realizing that all is lost? i had personally told God that if things don't work out for good, i would leave. i would throw it all away.

but God told me, to just focus on saying what i had to say and leave the rest to Him.

and the only thing i could do or respond was to believe Him. because God has never let me down yet.

that night, we talked about many things - life, relationships, cliques, loneliness, anger, frustration, disappointments, confusion. we laid things down on the line of our friendships. we brought up things about each other that all the while we had deemed "sensitive" because we wanted to clear the air once and for all. We discovered that perhaps we've been so "considerate" of each other's sensitivity that we hadn't dared to care in actions for the fear of hurting one another.

but we learnt that night... that if you're truly a friend, a genuinely concerned question of a loved one never hurts, it is part of the process of healing.

our friendships have never been tested in this manner. we've always been a happy-go-lucky bunch who went out together, we ate together and go crazy together, not to mention the insane amount of gigabytes of photos we've taken. but we've never sat together as a group and dealt with real issues such as what we discussed that night.

we actually put our friendships on the line that night.

we did it, people. we did it.

we decided to allow a new segment grow in our friendship with one another... we allowed transparency to set it. we allowed honesty to reign in our fellowship and the fear of rejection beat a hasty retreat because the truth prevailed, and love bound us together in a completely new way. that night, all of us confessed of leaving but we realised leaving wasn't as easy as we said we could. somehow, there was this mysterious unseen tie that held us together despite our individual and collective circumstances.

that unseen factor is God.

i know, there was definitely fear of baring it all and being totally honest about certain things, but assurance was given, understanding was dispensed and acceptance was released. It is only by the grace of God, that we managed to say/listen to the things that were said/listened that night. not only to just say or hear, but to say and listen knowing that we could trust each other.

again, its because of God.

at the end, before leaving. we received a word from God from someone totally out of our circle that somehow spelled out God's pleasure and approval of our meeting that night, the words "healing" and "victory" were a testimony in itself that we had met that night under the divine appointment of a holy God. that as we were being honest about our situations, God was at work with His angels.

again, it is God.

i don't know about the rest. i left the place that night feeling a different kind of confidence in my friends. I know, that I know... that in years to come, if ever we forget one another again and fall into the trap again of unknowingly hurting one another, and i become depressed... i have that night to remember.

it was the night when we learnt the definition of "fellowship" and we lived out the word "fellowship". i learnt that in order to have real fellowship, we have to invite God into it. that night, God blessed us even while we were talking.

did we realise it? we didn't. but that doesn't change that fact at all, does it?

because, my God is mighty to save. He is mighty to save : )

the question we all need to consider

lately things have been happening.

some feel neglected.

there are some, who feel misunderstood.

yet there are also some, who wonder if it's worth anything at all.

for some, its a matter where there's no solution to it.

and some... are deciding whether running away from reality will solve it all.

but tonight, i want to be someone who wants to say something and talk to all of us, and that includes myself. I want to make known and be honest about how i feel.

things haven't been going well for some of us. For me, i've been feeling misunderstood [yeah, that one up there is for me]; i could be feeling lonely as well... I know for some of you, you're going through a stage of life where you're deciding what's important and essential for you. Some of us, painful things are happening to you right now in your emotional life and your heart is probably broken for don't-know how many times.

at one point, to be honest, a few nights ago... i wanted to just let everything go and give up on friendship. I wanted to just decide once and for all and make a choice. as I said to Connie, everything feels so messed up - we're not honest with our own friends, we would rather be sad and not tell anyone, we're going through tough times and don't seem to realise that there are people around us who care, etc etc. Things are so horribly messed up that I just want to stop caring because it's just too painful to see my friends go through all of this and yet they can't seem to find a way to communicate it out for the rest to know. Worst still, is when I hear things like, "... no one cares" or "...they care more for so-and-so..." or things like "..its okay, she's chosen her way, i can only watch her go her way..."

it's downright depressing. it is, i tell you.

the choice in my mind was simply: JUST WALK OUT OF ALL THIS CRAP.

the problem however was my heart wouldn't allow me to make that decision. even though i stormed out of the house that Sunday night feeling all stressed up and not feeling too happy for blowing my cool at home and swearing [yes, i swore], i paused at the door and said this to Connie,

"you can tell her... that even though she wants to give up on the friendship, even if from now we're not friends... you can tell her, i don't regret all the love, care and stuff i did for the friendship. i don't regret any single thing i did for the friendship."

and that's how i feel for all of you, specially those of you who know that you're closer to me than the rest. the ones who have been through stuff with, or i've gone through stuff with you, or together we've been through stuff...

things aren't perfect for you. i know. there are some of you that have been going through nights of not being able to sleep peacefully not just because of the weather or you're sick... it's also because your hearts are troubled with things that you have a hard time dealing with - disappointment, anger, fears.

things aren't perfect for you too. you've been bearing things in your heart and not been able to communicate how you feel about the way things are lately. you might get updates now and then through our Facebooks, emails or word of mouth, but i guess it might be tough for you to verbalise how you feel. not everyone knows how to verbalise and it's been a rough period for you. you've chosen a life that you know is God's will for you, but at the same time, maybe not everyone understands fully yet.

things aren't perfect for you either. you've been trying to shoulder some burdens that you should have shared with the rest of us a long time ago. you've probably heard and seen a lot happen around you and you've been wondering if things will ever get better. you're trying on your part to save the situation because you love us so much. you're definitely tired and maybe not caring so obviously would make you feel happier.

let me get this straight. We know that things aren't what they used to be. i'm not asking all of us to become 19 or 21 again and be college kids having a good time. but the fact is, we've lost a lot of closeness. we've been sweeping a lot of crumbs, leftover wastes and rubbish under the carpet and tried to act as if nothing is wrong. We've been trying to be "mature" about things and ignore the bulging pile building up under the carpet. Occasionally some of us venture underneath and look at the big pile of rubbish, but none of us go beyond skimming the surface and dealing with the root of the problem.

did we? have we? should we? - don't ask these questions anymore. i'm tired of asking myself and God whether i should or i shouldn't be writing this blog post even.

the question is: Will we?

will we be daring to take a stand for our friendship?

will we take that step of faith and put our friendship on the line and be honest about each other?

will we care enough to do something?

i want to meet up and talk. can you? will you?

you know how to reach me the fastest, right? : )

What's Up? Camp 09

i've finally slept enough to gather my thoughts, emotions and musings about the camp :D

first of all, i give all the praise and glory to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. it was really all because of You that this camp was so successful. You moved in such a deep, personal and powerful way for all of us. secondly, its a hats off (if i had a hat) to all the members in the committee - Wee Yen, Lydia, Sarah, Hazel, Bryant, Ian and Kelvin Wong. You guys did such an awesome job in running the thing. I was totally impressed by how smoothly things were going about, and like Mr. Fan said it, you guys were always 10 steps ahead of us in the planning and logistics. thirdly, a big THANK YOU to my friend and sister, Colleen, for driving me back home because I couldn't see the road [because i lost my eyes] and being so understanding, because I knew you were more tired than me and you tried your best to remain alert, i love you for being so nice about it : )

now my testimony of the camp:

like i said on Sunday morning, the camp has been challenging personally for me. i came to this camp wondering what I could learn from it. the camp theme - Willing Hearts And Teachable Spirits - Here I am, send me. 

whoa.

the camp theme just blew me away. singing the song Here I Am, it felt like a rededication of my life to Him. the hardest fact that night was to sing to God, lead worship and play instruments in a state of near blindness. I have astigmatism, which means when you switch off the lights, i'm as blind as a bat! to my dismay, i couldn't even see the chords of my guitar anymore because the Fender is black too T_T

but somehow, i knew God allowed me to reach that stage. because lately, i've been asking God what does He have planned for me. I've reached a stage of my life where I've hit a brick wall. I'm not progressing that much as I want to, and even if i started progressing, I felt like i'm walking into an unknown land that I never saw or conquered before.

to be honest, it's been a small prayer of mine that one day i'd  be able to use an instrument and play so deep that i forget the crowd and just allow the Spirit of God to flow out from me. I'm a person who gets totally irritated and disturbed real fast if i notice that lyrics are spelt wrong, the music goes off key and the people don't respond. it makes me so upset that I can't focus anymore. 

but that night, i had no choice. I had to let go. and perhaps letting go of the natural, made the supernatural emerge in a way i never experienced. for the first time, i played the keyboard on stage in a way i never did before. to a point where i just closed my eyes and let it flow. then the ministering part as well was totally awesome. i only prayed for four people - jon teh, keiffer, tetsuo and sarah - but those were the most anointed prayers i've ever prayed so far. words were just spilling out of my mouth to a point where i couldn't stop myself and allow my mind to find the right words anymore, they just came. I knew God had something special for these 4 young people. Already one of them has told me that they have a call from God :D

when Philip and his wife came to pray for me, it was a first time experience playing the keyboard and being ministered to at the same time. i felt myself going deeper and deeper, hearing confirmation of my ministry and gifts were also very important to me. for a long time, i had wondered if my gifts were gone or in hibernation. sometimes, you look around and you wonder if God would ever use a person like you - full of mistakes and imperfection - but that night, i knew God was not finished with me yet. He had more for me and confirming me of my gifts and ministry was something that He knew I needed to hear. i felt so loved by God that night.

the camp is truly a success because the presence of God moved in such a way i've never seen before. lives received breakthrough, hearts were open to receive the gospel of peace and grace, many were called by God to serve Him in various ways. it was truly a night to remember. 

its not the end yet, guys! we have got to keep the fire alive, because we're not going to be a generation that gets touched by God and then turn away and forget what we've seen and tasted. lets allow the glory of God to be reflected in our everyday lives as we strive to keep our faith together as a family of God, as an army of the Lord! 

i remember what lydia shared in the morning about the crown of thorns. Jesus did everything for us, so that we could live : ) and when i look at her sharing, something in my heart tells me that she's ready for the next stage of her life. lydia, you are going to do great things for God, don't let go of the words that God has put into your heart. they will take you through the stages that are to come : )

with this I close with the lyrics to the song we sang that night:

Here I Am

Something in my heart

Is burning like a fire

I want to live for You

I need Your touch right now

Fill me with Your power

Power to live for You, my God

And I will not be moved

I will stand for You

I will go where You send me

Jesus take me now I am Yours

I am Yours

I lay my life on the altar

Everything I give to You alone

Here I am

Here I am

Here I am, send me

Here I am, send me