a night to remember
i hope... tonight will be the last night. the last night of nights... where i cry myself to sleep again.
somehow... i know saying the things i said... being totally honest just doesn't get me anywhere with you. so why bother? you can go on with your life, and i can go on with mine. we've always managed to pretend for almost 99.99% of the time that things are going smooth.
i hate it when i have to see you become kind and caring when all the while you weren't that kind of person. don't come and put your arm around my shoulder when i know it's not within your natural capacity to do so when you're with me. don't wait until i cut you out of my life, then you decide to be friendly and all warm and cuddly.
i don't buy it.
i miss you. you know the you that you used to be? do you remember? you used to be honest, straightforward and sincere. You used to not care what people thought about you. there were no ranks, no boundaries and no invisible "formalities" between yourself and the rest of the world. what happened to that?
whether you admit or not... you realise there's a barrier between us. it's not so much about both of us changing or getting older. its just that... you let the distance grow. i tried to reach you, but you let the distance grow. you filled up that gap with all the grownup stuff - responsibilities, titles, expectations, business - and actually ALL those things are good. i'm not suffering from a Peter Pan syndrome and don't want to grow up. I'm just saying, that there IS a distance.
i just notice it.
this is my final way of telling you that i care, i care enough to get mad at you for sometimes forgetting to be a friend. you've become so much of a leader that when you do try to care, it feels like its a "duty" you carry out and its no longer a random act of kindness or love. you're mechanically carrying our your task of keeping me in check, making sure i'm managed. i am not something conjured up in Pet Society.
you ask me how or what you need to do to show me that you're a friend? i can't tell you. it has to come from you, yourself. you probably think i'm asking you to be more than you can be.
i never did. i never will be. i have never forgotten the times when we went through stuff as friends, through the good and the bad. I remember many, many, memories... the conversations we used to have about things - do you remember one night you sent me home and I pretended to be you and answered a phone call? do you remember BB guns? do you remember you coming to Ampang Park to fetch me when i twisted my leg?
it's uncountable really, the memories that we've made for the past close to 6 years of knowing each other : )
LM said that i had to settle it between God that if i can find true peace and freedom in this, i will never be bothered by it again. what i know that went unmentioned tonight was that i needed to settle it with you... and suddenly things got waaay out of expectation and i find myself blogging about this.
so here it goes, im putting this friendship on the line in this way because there's no other way i can say it any clearer *deep breath*
#1: i am still mad at you for wanting my "kind understanding and maturity" because you came across as being more of a leader than a friend. you never asked me how i felt, you just told me to follow instructions. instead of asking me directly how i felt, you tried to find out through others. why?
#2: asking me to give a "convenient excuse" for that night was downright heartless. did you even care if i had to lie to be happy that night? you only realised something was amiss a loooong time after that because i made it so obvious for you. does that mean you didn't realise anything before that?
#3: you became suddenly kind and caring to a point where your friendliness seemed like a way to make it up to me. why did you need to be so fake in that? even until now, i still feel that sometimes you try to be too jovial, too friendly and too over-doing everything. don't you think so?
you said you never really knew how to be my friend. is that really what you think about our friendship? maybe all the while it's been my fault. but i realise after talking with LM tonight, i find that i'm not the only one who feels that way.
i miss talking to you and having not to worry what you think about me. can we please set aside our formalities and just talk?
that is how friends were meant to be in the first place.
3 comments:
As promised, I have read your blogpost. But I do not read it out of obligation. It is out of a concern for what in the world is going on here!
#1 I am truly sorry about the way i handled that situation last year. However, it may have been, or turned out, or what i said to u to cause u to feel the way u felt. And that was not what i meant. If i knew right on that the way i spoke or presented what i wanted to say and said it hurt, i would have changed. But you see, if you do not tell me, how would i have known? On that night, you sounded ok. When I asked again you said, you understood. I looked at you many times, and you kept assuring me that. So what do you expect I would do next? When others came to tell me things contrary to your assurance of me that night, I stood by what you told me. "I am ok" you said. I take you for your word.
In my memory, you avoided me at times, yet you still talked to me as usual at times. I remember I did msn or sms you, and you were ok, replied whenever i talked at times.
Was I not also still there for you when you called me when I was on the way to Singapore? When I came back from Singapore, immediately after Dp we talked about that issue? Did you not yourself trivialise the separate issue we talked about "following the instructions"?
Finally, one day in March or somewhere.. we sat down and talked again at Shawarma. Before that day, in Jan - Feb during CNY times, i did many times say.. let's catch up. Do you remember what you said. .. "Oh..it's ok, i know your busy..I know you have better things to do... I am fine.. I need to settle things by myself this time..Give me some time". You said all these to me in many various ways, and i beg you to remember you called me one day i think in January, and you talked about taking a break. And, ya, on the phone we didn't see eye to eye. And I sms you immediately after that, and i read your blog few days later and i knew that was the answer that i wanted to know. I asked God to somehow tell me what was going in your head, since you did not want to talk to me about it.
When we talked in Shawarma, that was the only time you answered me to why after December you did not want to talk to me at times. You told me why you got hurt. That was the only time i really knew.. I was glad you told me. I did realise i asked you to do something, to lie, or put up a front, that you did not like. But you never told me you were uncomfortable with that prior to Shawarma.
...Even up to this point, i only feel that we are still addressing the same thing. Which i am ok with it. But say it as it is then to me...It is about last year.
=) the thing is this.Yes, I have changed. I have made many decisions that have changed the way i behave and look at life. I have decided to change the way i think, the way i speak and the way i portray myself. You knew me since I was 19/20? These are the greatest times of change in me. I will not apologise for the changes in me.
I treasure the friendship we have. Yes, i do miss you. Miss the times we chated, and totally not miss the times we argued till late night.
This is either going to sound all about you or all about me.
I have come to a time when if friends decide to say I have "changed" i'm fine with it. Cause the fact is, all the friends God has put around me in the last few years, i treasure each memory I have had with them. I may not be able to do it anymore like last time.. look at it as a fact. I chose to get married. And i will surely choose to have children. And I will surely choose to continue to win souls and make disciples til I see revival. (How much time do you think this will take up?)
... to be contd
... cont'd =) ...
Don't you think i miss VQ? When we "sampat" at MLP's place one 31 Aug?
The fact is i don't have that luxury anymore. I have chosen it that way if you want to say it. Or else..you want to take over all my bills to pay? hehe =)
Why expect the past type of memories, when we can build more new ones together? ...I treasure each time you play guitar for me. You help me write articles of somewhat. I look forward to the days and times when i hear you tell me the great things God is doing in GRC. Or when your mum is open to Jesus. Or the day your buying your new car. I look forward to the times, when you will help babysit for me.
Everything in the past few years made me just want to move forward, if you wanna know why. I am sure you remember an incident that happen few years back that shacked our Section. It involved so many ppl. That incident changed me permanently. I have decided to just move on and not think too much. Just speak the word of God, learn what I need to learn. Love people, as God's wonderful creations.. ;) The effects of that incident bound me for more than two years. And you know me, do you think i would continue to keep thinking of it or move on? You know me well enough. I only knew one thing.
I only see Jesus. The author and finisher of my faith.
And btw.. I am going to clarify one thing. If you want to talk about something with me. Come to me. Have I not come to you directly when I have things to talk?
I can name a long list eh...... Your finances, your mum, your work, your ministry, and well about YOU. You coke intake... and so on.
so.. well. =) see you later tonight!
*sorry no time to edit typos...
you see la, you know i take a long time to write things. See what you made me do....... :P
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