i'm cool
its just less than 2 hours before the new year arrives. somehow, this year there's no anticipation as of old for me. i am looking forward to 2009 because school's reopening and i get to see all my kiddies again... but surprisingly...
...that's about it.
things have fizzled out to be quite interesting for the month of December. I've probably said that like a few thousand times already in some of my previous posts :P
i am deciding to stop playing church. somehow at one point, I'm going to wake up in the morning and loathe my face. because staring back at me is someone that I hardly know now for the past one month.
i've regained a cynical side of me that I thought I'd banished. yes, the christian explanation is, "...oh, it's your past hurts and wounds resurfacing... it's from the devil... it's rejection speaking...etc"
its not past its P-R-E-S-E-N-T hurts okay, dawg? Is it feelings of being rejected causing me to act the way I act? well then, pray tell explain where the rejection comes from. how does one balance one's personal opinion and public opinion and spiritual opinion.
it's stupid. i'm sorry. you'll have to live with that unholy comment of mine.
am i the stubborn child who doesn't want to return to the Father? ish, please.. spare me the limelight moment, all right? you think you know me inside out? you ain't one step close to the real thing right now.
like i said. I'm tired of being a member of an exclusive society that governs things with ways and mannerisms that I can't seem to identify with the early Church. i seem to hear the 15 year old me question the 26 year old me, "why are you Christian anyway?"
i could still defend that statement. I can if i am asked.
I would tell you that its not about the people that's why i converted.
it is solely because of Jesus. no one else.
"so why don't you just do it for God?"
because in the midst of doing it for God it is already wrong. God doesn't need me to do things for Him. does He? while i'm serving my God, do I add that serving with a twist of lies and inconsistencies that my conscience wrestles with?
I'm sorry. I know I let a lot of people down. Maybe no one will really understand what it means to be me at this moment. Call me selfish, childish and stubborn. Tell me that God will prune me, discipline me and teach me to be humble. Remind me and nag me that I'm a leader and spiritually mature and ask me why do i need to make such a big deal out of a small thing...
... do/say/preach whatever you think is right for me. I'm cool with it.
but don't expect me to be responsive at this moment. if you claim to love me and accept me, then accept this part of me that is hurting right now.
please accept someone like me who is on the path of self discovery. please allow me to have this moment of being emotional because if I can't express it, i think i'll die of suffocation.
you don't need to pretend to lead me or follow me. i don't want that. just walk with me and hold my hand.
i need a friend. a sincere one.
...that's about it.
things have fizzled out to be quite interesting for the month of December. I've probably said that like a few thousand times already in some of my previous posts :P
i am deciding to stop playing church. somehow at one point, I'm going to wake up in the morning and loathe my face. because staring back at me is someone that I hardly know now for the past one month.
i've regained a cynical side of me that I thought I'd banished. yes, the christian explanation is, "...oh, it's your past hurts and wounds resurfacing... it's from the devil... it's rejection speaking...etc"
its not past its P-R-E-S-E-N-T hurts okay, dawg? Is it feelings of being rejected causing me to act the way I act? well then, pray tell explain where the rejection comes from. how does one balance one's personal opinion and public opinion and spiritual opinion.
it's stupid. i'm sorry. you'll have to live with that unholy comment of mine.
am i the stubborn child who doesn't want to return to the Father? ish, please.. spare me the limelight moment, all right? you think you know me inside out? you ain't one step close to the real thing right now.
like i said. I'm tired of being a member of an exclusive society that governs things with ways and mannerisms that I can't seem to identify with the early Church. i seem to hear the 15 year old me question the 26 year old me, "why are you Christian anyway?"
i could still defend that statement. I can if i am asked.
I would tell you that its not about the people that's why i converted.
it is solely because of Jesus. no one else.
"so why don't you just do it for God?"
because in the midst of doing it for God it is already wrong. God doesn't need me to do things for Him. does He? while i'm serving my God, do I add that serving with a twist of lies and inconsistencies that my conscience wrestles with?
I'm sorry. I know I let a lot of people down. Maybe no one will really understand what it means to be me at this moment. Call me selfish, childish and stubborn. Tell me that God will prune me, discipline me and teach me to be humble. Remind me and nag me that I'm a leader and spiritually mature and ask me why do i need to make such a big deal out of a small thing...
... do/say/preach whatever you think is right for me. I'm cool with it.
but don't expect me to be responsive at this moment. if you claim to love me and accept me, then accept this part of me that is hurting right now.
please accept someone like me who is on the path of self discovery. please allow me to have this moment of being emotional because if I can't express it, i think i'll die of suffocation.
you don't need to pretend to lead me or follow me. i don't want that. just walk with me and hold my hand.
i need a friend. a sincere one.
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