What a stormy, stormy November it has been.
At least it has been stormy for my heart.
I deem my life
interesting because of the wrestling, struggling, painful and tense moments in my life.
How much more interesting could it get right.
The amount of success stories in mastering my temper and nerves, the even more amount of failures that stack up against the success to sometimes overshadow my efforts; that is, sometimes serves to discourage more than encourage.
And yet, my Bible tells me I was created for glory. That somehow in this infinitesimal world of ours, what I go through matters to a loving God? And sometimes, amidst all the muck and yuck, you begin to wonder...
...
does He really love me?
I am tempted beyond all doubt that the world doesn't want to have anything to do to me. If not, I would not have struggled with feelings of inferiority, abandonment, disappointment and anger. I have lived in days where the lights were out, and I could just sit in the dark and mourn. Ashes were a more befitting attire than joy and fun with the rest of the world.
And yet, what mattered more was did my God love me despite all this?
Because if I can't answer that question, there really isn't any reason to continue and pretend it's ok.
This month, my heart was tested in areas that I had almost shut the door on. I never knew that a heart could be created to feel this way. Anxiety, anticipation, confusion and nervousness all rolled into one. Wow, I was sure a bundle of nerves! It made me pause and reflect on this new part of me that I had not discovered for the past 29 years. Moreover, this month, the things that used to be so appealing to me suddenly took on a grey shade of boring-ness.
I must be going mad, was the first notion in my mind.
I knew I wasn't going mad. I was going
insane.
Life is indeed a journey that never ends, one singer crooned years ago. And I trudge along this road, watching each day unfold and I marvel at how we as humans cheat ourselves into thinking we have it all, when we actually don't. Each day serves to tell me just how much I failed as much as how much I achieve. My daily reflections remind me that I am only human and I am tiny, weak and like a vapour as the psalmist put it.
And the question comes back again to
does God really, really want to stake a claim of love on someone like me? For real?
This is what he He tells me each and everyday...
yes. I do love you.
Loved you so much that I let my own Son die just to save you instead.
While I lie in my bed choking back those sobs, because pride wouldn't allow anyone to see or hear;
When I feel the threat of not being good enough engulf my very soul;
Those moments when tears are already dangerously near during the sermon and you force a swallow///
He knew He had to love me.
He says, "I will never sideline you. Never. This is my promise to you, dear child."
And though no human arms encircle me, I feel His love permeate my very being and my heart overflows.
This is our God.
