A definition of trust worth defining again

What does trust mean to you? Trust can be defined as a reliance on the integrity, ability and reliability of a person or an institution. However, a dictionary definition could perhaps not be taken so seriously for this round. Trust, is so subjective because situations differ.

Most of the time, people use the word "trust" and ask the same question,

"Should I trust again?"

The more pertinent question or rather the more important question would be WHY do we trust?

We trust because we derive love from a relationship built from the trust that we have dispensed whether to family, friends or even our bosses at work. Hence, when that trust is violated, thrown away or damaged...

It would be a fair assumption to say at one point or another we've all lost our trust in someone or something. It would yet be another fair assumption to say that once trust has been betrayed, it's something that has drastic effects in the negative sense where disappointment, anger, denial and confusion may set in.

When I think of trust issues, I recall my 2008. I recall now with some amusement that in Dec 2008 and Dec 2010 my trust was tested. I remember just how hurt I felt in the year 2008 where I felt rejected, betrayed and judged based on something that was beyond my control.

Dec 16th, 2008:
"I would rather be emo now. I would rather be confused and angry now. I would rather be all of this and be called immature than to actually talk about it because it somehow makes the wound even deeper and pushes reconciliation and reason even further out of the window.

I would rather leave. I would rather be forever branded as the person "who didn't understand". I would rather run away, leave things as they are and never look back. I would rather be all of that than to live a lie. I would rather be called with names and given labels than to open my mouth and give an excuse that I know my heart doesn't believe in."

Somehow, I understand the depth of that pain. The moments where it would feel much, much better to just walk away rather than get into the muddy stickiness of facing the ugly matters of truth. It's just not worth it when you even begin to think about it, because the heart aches and it feels already stretched beyond its limit. Burning bridges is easier than trying to fix the bridges that are torn and tattered with disappointment and pain.

However... you know what? Two years from 2008, I give thanks that I can use the word however.

The months that went into two years of rediscovering the true definition of trust have really taught me and retaught me that trust is something that is reciprocal. In these two years I realised trust has and will always be risky.

It's either you take the risk to trust, or you just plain don't.
A choice we all face ultimately.

Let me justify and say for myself personally that I am fully sympathetic to anyone who has felt cheated, abandoned and mistreated because they placed their trust and they saw that 100% trust abused. Who wouldn't?

Again, the challenge comes when amends are being made and we struggle to answer the question,

Should we trust again?

I can only offer to answer that question with another question..

Why do we trust then?

If your reason of trusting is to receive love and care, if your reason to trust is to derive security, if your reason to trust is to find a place where you will have no reason to doubt...

Then don't trust.

Because trust does everything to risk it all. Real trust has to involve doubt and risk. It puts all that you believe in onto the scale to risk balancing the equation. Trust can only exist with faith which also plays with doubt. To pursue 100% trust in anyone besides God is a total myth and that is why for relationships, faith also plays a part.

But the one thing that fuels faith is love. Because of love, it gives me strength again to apply my trust. Because of love it opens my heart again to believe that things can get better. Only through love I understand why I can trust and by answering the why I in turn answer the question of should I trust again.

The more I told myself to stop trusting, the more I felt empty. Though I found other people to fulfill the places of those I had set aside... the question wasn't to find new trust.. the issue was to ask why I trusted in the first place.

And somehow as 2009 and 2010 rolled in, bit by bit... why I trust began to dawn upon me. It was because loving and being loved answered that question. Was it something that just magically transformed me, I'm sorry to tell you it is a no.

It was a long process. But I will admit that it was only long because I decided to dwell on the pain and kept telling myself I will never trust again. Had I decided to deal with the actual issue, perhaps I would have come out of the dark clouds much faster. But it has indeed been a learning process.

What I'm trying to say clearer is in the process from 2008 to 2010, I learnt to trust despite the nagging doubts in my heart messing with me non-stop. That though I was afraid I took the leap, most of the times I took the leap even though my emotions were screaming at me a resounding NO.

I understand you need time. This is my way of telling you just as during those two years those who hurt me never gave up loving me and believing in me; I will say the same that as a family, no one abandons anyone. That no matter what happens, there will always be a place for you when you return. That the love that you've experienced in the past will never and has never changed.

The hurt is great, but love can be greater than that hurt. That no matter what, we'll always be there. Family is family. That is possibly the reason why it hurt so much for me last time, because I cared that much. And the only way to undo it is to look to God for love. I walked out of the shadow of bitterness, not because I am stronger than the average human being. It is really just because He is strong enough.

There is no relationship that has zero disappointments and hurts. Glass becomes stronger when tempered with repeated knocks, but the hard knocks are administered in such a way not to crack the glass though we feel it might. The hard knocks make the glass become stronger.

I have learnt to see that the circumstances that happened to me have served to make my friendships even stronger and more valuable. Because now I know who are those who really have gone through thick and thin with me; I have come to treasure those who have never left and never given up on me; I have arrived to the conclusion that real friendship endures hardship.

Real love hopes all, believes all. It never tires. If I claim I love, I have to take that risk and trust everyday. Thank God that Jesus is there to help us in learning what it means to take that risk, the same risk that He took on the Cross at the expense of His own death.

And I am taking that risk of risking the friendship I have with you to say this to you... to come back. Home is where the heart is. Lets pick up the pieces and learn to walk again.