Father's Day

It's been 18 years since I last saw you.

My last memory was me crying and crying and trying to hide myself from you because I was scared of you.

I hardly knew who you were, and I could only remember what the adults have been telling me.

That you were irresponsible.

That you took your temper out on me because you fought with mom.

That you left us.

I remember screaming my lungs out and telling my uncle to "...ask him to go away! I don't want to see him!"

Throughout the years, I grew up not needing to have you in my life. My first bicycle rides, my first day at school, report card days, learning to drive, finally graduating and getting my degree...

i never needed you or thought of having you there.

But 3 year ago, when I decided to give you a call. I found the other side of my family tree. It's not that you actually knew I was found at last, your sister found me. When I met up with her, it was anything but pleasant. I heard things that I didn't need to hear and in the end I got frustrated because it was not a way to connect with you at all.

I changed my number along the way and I never bothered to inform your sister about it. I couldn't bear to deal with another round of emotional onslaught and getting hurt.

It's been 3 years since I tried to reconnect with you. I've let go some of the hurt and fear about meeting up with you. I also realise as I look at the digital photo of you - the only thing your sister could provide - that you are old. I can hardly recognise you at all from the picture. But whatever that has happened in the past, I'm willing to let it go already and just reconnect.

It's Father's Day today, and every year I wonder if you feel lonely that there is no one to celebrate it with you. I wonder if it would make any difference that I call and reconnect now.

But I've decided to do this. I've never given you a Father's Day gift before that I can remember. I can be honest to say that I don't even know if it will work, but I'm surrendering this matter to above and if God-willing, then perhaps we will meet.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.