a night to remember

i hope... tonight will be the last night. the last night of nights... where i cry myself to sleep again.

somehow... i know saying the things i said... being totally honest just doesn't get me anywhere with you. so why bother? you can go on with your life, and i can go on with mine. we've always managed to pretend for almost 99.99% of the time that things are going smooth.

i hate it when i have to see you become kind and caring when all the while you weren't that kind of person. don't come and put your arm around my shoulder when i know it's not within your natural capacity to do so when you're with me. don't wait until i cut you out of my life, then you decide to be friendly and all warm and cuddly.

i don't buy it. 

i miss you. you know the you that you used to be? do you remember? you used to be honest, straightforward and sincere. You used to not care what people thought about you. there were no ranks, no boundaries and no invisible "formalities" between yourself and the rest of the world. what happened to that?

whether you admit or not... you realise there's a barrier between us. it's not so much about both of us changing or getting older. its just that... you let the distance grow. i tried to reach you, but you let the distance grow. you filled up that gap with all the grownup stuff - responsibilities, titles, expectations, business - and actually ALL those things are good. i'm not suffering from a Peter Pan syndrome and don't want to grow up. I'm just saying, that there IS a distance.

i just notice it.

this is my final way of telling you that i care, i care enough to get mad at you for sometimes forgetting to be a friend. you've become so much of a leader that when you do try to care, it feels like its a "duty" you carry out and its no longer a random act of kindness or love. you're mechanically carrying our your task of keeping me in check, making sure i'm managed. i am not something conjured up in Pet Society. 

you ask me how or what you need to do to show me that you're a friend? i can't tell you. it has to come from you, yourself. you probably think i'm asking you to be more than you can be. 

i never did. i never will be. i have never forgotten the times when we went through stuff as friends, through the good and the bad. I remember many, many, memories... the conversations we used to have about things - do you remember one night you sent me home and I pretended to be you and answered a phone call? do you remember BB guns? do you remember you coming to Ampang Park to fetch me when i twisted my leg?

it's uncountable really, the memories that we've made for the past close to 6 years of knowing each other : )

LM said that i had to settle it between God that if i can find true peace and freedom in this, i will never be bothered by it again. what i know that went unmentioned tonight was that i needed to settle it with you... and suddenly things got waaay out of expectation and i find myself blogging about this.

so here it goes, im putting this friendship on the line in this way because there's no other way i can say it any clearer *deep breath*

#1: i am still mad at you for wanting my "kind understanding and maturity" because you came across as being more of a leader than a friend. you never asked me how i felt, you just told me to follow instructions. instead of asking me directly how i felt, you tried to find out through others. why?

#2: asking me to give a "convenient excuse" for that night was downright heartless. did you even care if i had to lie to be happy that night? you only realised something was amiss a loooong time after that because i made it so obvious for you. does that mean you didn't realise anything before that?

#3: you became suddenly kind and caring to a point where your friendliness seemed like a way to make it up to me. why did you need to be so fake in that? even until now, i still feel that sometimes you try to be too jovial, too friendly and too over-doing everything. don't you think so?

you said you never really knew how to be my friend. is that really what you think about our friendship? maybe all the while it's been my fault. but i realise after talking with LM tonight, i find that i'm not the only one who feels that way.

i miss talking to you and having not to worry what you think about me. can we please set aside our formalities and just talk?

that is how friends were meant to be in the first place. 

How To Install Love

How to Install LOVE 

Tech Support: Hello … how can I help you? 

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install
Love. Can you guide me through the process? 

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first? 

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you
located your Heart? 

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.
Is it okay to install Love while they are running? 

Tech Support: What programs are running ? 

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge
and Resentment running right now. 

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will
eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High
Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and
Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off ? 

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely erased. 

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get
the upgrades. 

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error
- Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set
up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others. 

Customer: So, what should I do? 

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the
following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The
system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back. 

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.
Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal? 

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but
eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed
and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you. 

Customer: Thank you, God.

Day #4: This Is Our God

i couldn't fast with just eating one meal today. i'm currently suffering a low sugar level attack, i'm gonna go out in about 30 minutes to run errands and pump some sugar back into my system. but that doesn't mean i didn't start the day with God. I still tried to keep my ears and heart open for any opportunity that He may drop a note : ) though it was a rushed day - pick up michelle, go sentul, go PJ find elaine, go sentul, go michelle's house, later cell group, send people home - 

God still spoke : )

i can't get over the fact that God loves to be creative. while practising the songs for cell group, we sang the song This Is Our God from Hillsongs Church, here are the lyrics:

Your grace is enough more than I need
At Your word I will believe
I wait for You, draw near again
Let Your Spirit make me new

I will fall at Your feet
I will fall at Your feet
And I will worship You here

Your presence in me, Jesus light the way
By the power of Your word
I am restored, I am redeemed
By Your Spirit I am free

I will fall at Your feet
I will fall at Your feet
And I will worship You here

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is the love poured out for all
This is our God
Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Servant and King, rescued the world
This is our God

Simple but such a touching song. I like the way the song is emphasised, THIS is our God. It's like bringing someone through a museum and you're showing the different people who were famous before and what they did, and you go, "over here... this is... who was...and did..."

it's the same thing for us. When we talk about God or when we refer to God, the first thing that should cross our minds is perhaps the things that He has said, did and will do for us. 

What did God do? He surrendered His life upon the cross. I am always reminded by this saying, "at Calvary, Love was crucified". It wasn't just anyone, but the very embodiment of Love was hung in shame on the Cross not because He was shameful, but He chose to take my shame and sin and He stayed on the Cross for all our sakes.

But the curtain doesn't drop on just a good man hanging on a cross and dying. If that was it, what hope would mankind have in a dead man? there had been so many dead men in those times who died trying to be the Saviour for the Jews that time. What good is a dead man?

That Man... He came back. He died as lowly as a servant on the Cross, with possessions, friends and family... all stripped away from Him. But when He returned, He triumphed over death, He came back roaring like a Lion in the face of death.

There's nothing that can stop my Jesus : ) This is how my God... our God is.

What will God promise to do? He promised a life of abundance, ".. I have come to give life, and life in its abundance." What kind of abundance can He give? Tons. Search the Bible or look at real life stories, there's evidence that God is ready to give abundance and He hasn't stopped pouring that out to His children.

to have God's grace is more than i will ever need. because with grace, i have access to things i thought i'd never have. it's not just material things, its also about emotional and spiritual things. self effort can only get all of us a certain distance before we drop in our tracks and be disappointed with our own limitations.

but Christ has won it all for us, praise God. THIS is our God.

today is a day of remembering who God is to me. just by practising a song, God was already giving me comfort in my heart. as i sang along to "practice" it became more than a practice, there was power in the praise we sang just now.

this is our God. when we praise His name, the air trembles at His presence.

this is our God. when we cry out to Him in need, He answers immediately.

this is our God. when times are bad, we find all things can be made anew by Him again.

indeed. this is our God. 

Day #3: Grace is a Gift

God's way of allowing us to reign in life is to live a life of "receiving", not achieving.

So often we think we need to rely on self-efforts to "make things work". but the fact is the power to succeed comes from His work on the Cross. Which means you don't need to labour for salvation, forgiveness and blessings anymore! In Hebrews 10: 11 -14 it says, 

"... for by one offering He has perfected forever those who are being sanctified."

who are THOSE who are being sanctified? it's all of us! We've been perfected FOREVER by Jesus on the Cross. Isn't that an amazing revelation?

Moreover, we've been made to sit and reign together with Jesus. Just checkout Ephesians 2:4-6 which says, "... and made us to sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus."

I like it when the Bible says "heavenly places". Christ didn't just save those who were living in Beverly Hills, Mont Kiara, Bandar Utama... neither did the Bible said that we were saved and God "made us to sit together at the last row of seats in the halls of heaven far, far away from Christ Jesus."

The point i'm striving to put across today is, when we were saved from our old selves, Christ offered a hand and said, "come on! Sit here, right next to me!" It gives me the same tingling feeling that I used to feel when I walked around in the school canteen looking for a friend to sit with and someone spots you and calls your name and waves crazily while pushing the rest to squash closer to each other so that you could sit down there.

Imagine, if there was an angel there, Jesus would have said, "move over, he's coming to sit with me.. make space la!"

isn't that cool? we're sitting together with our best friend, and not only just sitting and watching what He does, Jesus wants us to reign together WITH Him. Means, we do things together, no longer are we bystanders of His power, we partake and participate in using the power of God to empower our lives and even others!

sometimes, as humans... we tend to look at our imperfection and wonder why in the world would God even bother to save us. one of it i believe is that God wanted to restore His truth and grace upon the world. That's why the verse says in John 1: 17,

"... but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ."

so often we think that the TRUTH stands with righteousness and judgement. That the grace of God is unlimited. Not true, the grace of God stands together with the truth... and the truth is that there is unlimited possibility when we place our faith in God. That all we need to do is receive the forgiveness that was already present at Calvary more than 2000 years ago. The only things is to receive it. To just open your hands and receive it gladly into your life.

grace is a gift. but a gift is only a gift if you open the box and not only that... you need to reach in and own it.

do you own the grace that God has given to you? or is it just an ornament you use to decorate  our speech when you talk with your churchmates or christian friends? don't wear grace as a decoration. it's not a pendant you hang around your neck.

it's not. grace is SO not a fashion statement.

grace is a gift:

a gift is meant to be received.

a gift is meant to be owned.

a gift is meant to be used.

receive grace, own grace and use the grace in your life. 

it makes a difference.

try it and you will know the difference ; )

Day #2 Reality Check

in Romans 7:12, Paul said, "So the law is holy, and the command is holy and right and good." This means every single commandment in the Word of God is holy, right and good. But the problem is, is anyone actually able to keep all of this? If there was a strong yes to that, by the time of Jesus, why were there still priests? Why did they still keep their jobs to kill animals brought by sinners young and old who needed to cleanse themselves of sin?

if you're going to be under the law, you have to do all the law, all the time. if you can't do that, its all to no avail, because even by breaking one teeny tiny law, you've violated and broken the  law forever. It's either all or nothing.

"if i can't fulfill the Law, then how does the Law save me?"

the answer lies in Romans 8: 3,

"The law was without power, because the law was made weak by our sinful selves. But God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son to earth with the same human life that others use for sin. By sending his Son to be an offering for sin, God used a human life to destroy sin."

the Law could never change my nature, it only serves to tell me what to do, but it has never given me the power to do it. the Law serves as a mirror to all of us, telling us what we can't measure up to, telling us the things we need to do to be righteous.

the world has trained us so well, hasn't it?

you work well = you get promoted

you come late for work = warning memos from your boss

you study hard = you get good result

you flunk your exams = your parents scream and shout at you

you love someone = you get loved in return

you betray someone = you get hated

we live in such a result-oriented world that we function on the basis that everything we do, there is a reaction. it's a you-do-something-good/bad and you will get-something-good/bad in return. it's the Law of the world, isn't it?

When we get into trouble, say, we smack our little brother and he cries, we expect our parents to scold us, so we make up excuses, and in the end... the excuses can't save us, we get punished. So in the back of our minds, we know if we screwup, we deserve something bad in return.

But God refuses to be boxed in by our definitions

 As you close your eyes tight and wait for a tight slap from God, you realise after moments of bated breath... no judgement comes. You open your eyes and you look at God, you see Him looking back at you. Wondering why you were so afraid of Him in the first place.

"hold up a second.. you mean God doesn't want to punish me? do you mean God's not a righteous judge anymore?"

let's see if you can imagine this scenario in modern day Malaysia?

one girl... she's walking in the shopping mall with her friends and they all realise that they've walked beyond the "prescribed" amount of footsteps for that day. everyone freaks out because they've just broken Law #3999 in the Torah and their day out is spoilt as they rush around the city looking for a fresh baby goat to sacrifice for their "sins".

and God... watches from heaven and goes like, "you see...so busy with their shopping at 1 Utama until they walked beyond their limit of footsteps... tsk tsk tsk..."

is that REALLY the picture of God? You mean He actually takes delight in catching us at every single mistake we make? You mean as a Father, He delights more in watching us be filled with guilt and scramble around trying to make things better so that He won't be mad? 

is that how you picture God to be today? Fault-finding, nit-picking, sadistic and hard-to-please?

if that is you... explain to me why Jesus had to come and die? why did God send His one and only Son to die for people like us? people like us who could never in this whole lifetime measure up to his standard of holiness? even if we could keep 99% of it, we'd still fail by a 1%! and that is enough for us to fall short of His perfection. 

God does demand righteousness...and He knows that we'd never succeed in keeping it all the time. Then what should He do? Should God just cause the whole earth to be swallowed in acid and fire right now? He loves us too much to do it!

Instead of making us suffer, He asked His only Son in heaven - - Jesus. To come and die. Grace is something that is too amazing to understand. Why should someone innocent die for me? I don't deserve it.

But God says, "you are worth it. because I choose to love you at all costs."

the righteousness of God demands a sin offering so that wrath would not come upon us. And instead of asking us for something that we could never give perfectly to satisfy Him... God took from His own.. He gave away his own Son to make us righteous not just for a day...but for a lifetime. So many times, we want to feel loved... love isn't just a feeling, it's a choice. In God's case, it was a choice on His side to part with someone He loved. 

Can you just begin to understand this? that the days of trying "to be good" are over. Trying to do things on your own are over. trying to ease your guilt by punishing yourself are over. because there is forgiveness from God. you can't forgive yourself...because when you try to do that, you begin to hate yourself even more. it's a joke to ask your imperfect self to forgive yourself, isn't it?

if you've been away from church because you felt you were no good, join the club. the church is full of people who have understood that its not about how good you are, that God loves you. It's about John 3:16, "for God SO loved the world..." 

as i mentioned earlier, we live in a world that trains us to look through the Law... we somehow have it subsconsciously that we need to be punished. and that is something that has been in us since the dawn of mankind. but that feeling, isn't for us to act on it...to punish ourselves and be guilt-ridden.

its for us to look at the Cross and realise and receive the revelation that Grace has overtaken the Law. That God's love was already poured out on Calvary through the blood of Jesus for our sins, our past wrongs and even future sins that have not been committed. Our hearts were not made to be filled with guilt. They were made for love. and the key to receive the love of God, is to recognise the grace of God in our lives.

G = God's 

R = Riches

A = At

C = Christ's

E = Expense

G.R.A.C.E. is God's Riches At Christ's Expense

God's invitiation stays open. Come and receive His grace for you today. The Law shows us what we fail to do...

but Grace shows us hope and love despite our failures. 

aren't you tired of punishing yourself everyday because of you sins? God has already punished them in Christ. Why live as a slave to the Law when Grace has set you free?

embrace Him, let Him hold you In His arms. 

the veil has been torn away, torn from the top to the bottom.

Jesus said, "it is finished"

The reign of the Law has finished in your life, 

walk boldly to the throne of Grace and receive help and mercy in your time of need.

it's not a theory, it's reality.

T.E.A.R.S.

Day #1: What did I find today? *T.E.A.R.S.* Taking Everything Away, Renewing my Soul

i think this post was probably left aside for a long, long time *blows away dust and cobwebs*

do you know how it feels to wake up every morning and realise that you're still breathing. it can be inspiring and it can be depressing at the same time. it's really how your last night was... if you went to bed happy with yourself and the things and people around you, chances are you wake up with expectancy and motivation to give it your best that day.

but if you slept with regret, sadness, anger and disappointment... high chances are you wake up feeling "emo" and everything you set eyes on suddenly looks lousy, the emotions churning inside of you are horrible, your reflection in the mirror is a monster you've been living for the past years you've been alive. it can get so bad that you even wonder - was i ever alive on the inside ?

life was never perfect on earth since the time of creation. ever since i could remember, growing up as a kid with only one parent around... it was fun and not fun at the same time. I loved the times when my mom was so busy working it gave me loads of time to myself to read, watch TV and play my Gameboy. I relished those solitary moments. Yet, whenever I burst through the backdoor after coming back to school, I hated those moments when I was dying to tell my mom something and she would just shoo me away or scold me for barging in and telling her what happened in school. i hated being abandoned too.

even until now... i will still dream of being abandoned. i would still dream of people - family and friends - leaving me. everyone would hate me in my dreams, no one would give me a chance and no one... not even God... would want to love me. that is how i really feel on the inside. the truth is, there has always been a sense of inadequacy living on the inside. so much so, that any moment i choose to turn my eyes and ears to that part of me, i start tearing up. even now, as I type this out, i'm already crying and sobbing. 

but i know i have to keep on writing.

this sense of not measuring up, the fear of being rejected and abandoned, has shaped me and moulded me into the person i am today. People are always (i guess) impressed with my portfolio - teacher, research assistant, translator, debater, ex-part time journalist, intellectual student, apologist, blogger, writer, singer, piano and guitar player. let me tell you a big secret...

... i've never been impressed with myself.

because when i look into the mirror, I see someone who doesn't measure up. i'm never the perfect daughter, i'm never the perfect teacher, heck no i've NEVER been the perfect Christian and i doubt i'm the best writer, singer, friend or anything.

believe it or not, the only reason why i get involved with such a variety of jobs and interests, its only to prove to myself that i am not as useless as those voices inside of me try to tell me. everyday, i try to outdo myself because i so desperately want to prove to the world and most importantly to myself that i can make it because i childishly believe "there can be miracles when you believe".

most of the days, i can live with that satisfaction that i succeeded in bluffing myself that i'm successful, and i'm an achieved person. I can most of the time mentally pat myself on the back and say "well done!"

but there are days, when N-O-T-H-I-N-G  i do seems to matter. Even if i can find proof and see evidence that i'm doing good, i don't like myself. In fact, I really hate myself. Because every time i mess up, it somehow triggers something inside of me that says, "you know what, it doesn't matter if you're good in other things, you SUCK in THIS!" i'm never good enough for myself.

and that's enough to get me down. 

i've wiped away tears without people knowing. Heck, its a common joke that I need to display my emotions so outrightly then only people would know that I'm having a bad day. Most of the time, all I need to do is to run up to the toilet (if I'm at work) and stay there for about 5 minutes, wash my face and come down. No one really sees my red eyes because after 5 minutes they return to the normal colour and i'm ready to laugh and play with my kids while inside, i'm screaming for some help.

so many times, when i sit there and listen to someone and i give advice. I feel like getting up and walking away because i feel that i have no right to be there for that person. i love him/her and would want to help him/her... but what right do I have when i can't even help myself most of the time?

im still crying as i write this... i gotta hang on...

look, the point of the matter is. EVERYONE has lousy days. i'm having mine right now. and this post isnt meant for you to take pity on me, it isn't meant for you to sms me and tell me that you love me and no matter what you'll stand by me. it really isnt about telling my cell leader so that she knows im not ok and she will sms me and ask me if i'm ok.

it isnt.

you missed the point.

this post is about being honest. this post is the very reason i started blogging ever since i was 19. this post is about embracing life and its challenges and being real with the circumstances that happen all around us. it's about realising that you can't do it on your own anymore.

i can go one the whole day and ramble about how lousy i feel. i can sit here and cry and cry until someone in the house realises and then i can keep crying so that people will come and pray with me. 

but somehow, i know. that even if I look into the mirror and i feel lousy, and i don't feel like a child of God... it doesn't change an iota of who i am in Jesus. Because it's not about how i look at myself anymore. 

there will be days when i will cry (like now) and i can feel as worthless as I want. because i look at myself through my own eyes, which are imperfect, dulled with sin and covered with self inflicted blindness. my eyes have been trained by the world to naturally look at sin, to look at all the inconsistencies, all the lies and all the imperfections in my life.

but when i look through the eyes of Christ. the one who died for me despite my imperfections. i see hope. i see that everyday can be a different day if i start it by looking at what God has put in it for me, just for me. God has custom-made my everyday just for me. 

that is why... i haven't slit my wrist from the time in college when all the pressure came crashing down on me. because of one SMS that said, "God loves you no matter what." And for the very first time, that night, i began the journey of learning to see myself as God sees me.

Grace is something totally amazing. Amazing grace...to save a wretch like me. It's not fair to love someone like me, but God says it is. It's not right to forgive someone like me, but God says He does.

It's not that God is being biased and just lets me off the hook either. Its because ALL my past sins, current ones and future ones... have been punished on the Cross. It's because all my imperfections have been nailed at Calvary. As Christ shed his blood on the cross, that same blood covers all my failures, all my hate for myself, all the unforgiveness that I can't let go over myself... it washes it all away.

i'm a real person. Jesus is real.

i can live this life feeling lousy, but i can also live this live using the eyes of God to see that Jesus was killed, Jesus was made to feel lousy, miserable, dejected, abandoned, disappointed, angry, sad, lonely etc; so that today, i won't be bound by all this anymore. i've been saved for freedom... not slavery in my soul!

so thus begins the first day of my soul searching. i didn't do the ritual praying in tongues and reading the word. I started with reading devotionals on grace and ran through stuff in my mind with God and voila this blog post came. 

i hope you're blessed as i am. remember, God loves you and doesn't want your soul to be bound... He wants to set it free. if you want to be set free, all you need to do is just tell God and He is ready to answer right then and there. welcome aboard, if you want to embark on a journey of freedom.

Give your tears to Him today!

T = Taking

E = Everything

A = Away

R = Renewing

S = Soul

Taking Everything Away, Renewing my Soul. 

thank you Jesus, you're my everything and you become my everything everyday.

my true passion revealed

Aside from the wonderful food in Penang, it's been a refreshing trip away from the hustle and bustle of being a KL person, away from my tuition-ing for a short while, away from my daily responsibilities... it's been refreshing really : )

being in Penang, things are slower. The traffic is lesser and people generally don't speed and accelerate like us crazy Wilayah drivers :P (i wonder who)... the best thing was being driven around by Colleen (thank you for being driver even when you were tired). It really gives me time to stare at the roads around me, have a better look at the houses, shops and people walking around. 

God, thank You. It really gave me a lot of time to think this time at Penang. You gave me time to count my blessings. You gave me an opportunity to recap my life for the past 5 months for the year 2009 and refocused my perspective of life as I go through the many events that have been happening along these months.

The best was to be able to converse with Pastor Ken and Pastor Sharon... to share about my questions and doubts that i've recently been pondering over. The following are some of the things I've learnt that I want to share with you:

(i) Ministry should be a pleasure, not a pressure

(ii) Ministry should have joy and peace flowing out from it

(iii) Ministry will have fruits to show

(iv) Ministry functions and grows only because its from the grace of God, not our works

(v) Everyone has their individual time and season to move into

(vi) Grace is a person, not a theological debate or theory discussed over the pulpit

(vii) Grace is a personal thing, we need to spend time getting to know grace

(viii) Grace is a relationship

(ix) Don't leave a church because of bitterness or dissatisfaction with a person, it's not a solution

(x) No one can advise me about leaving a church or staying, no pastor/friend/leader... its strictly between myself and God and what His timing is for me

Last but not least... Pastor Sharon said something that made a lot of sense to me. It was her advice to me as I've decided to seek God for further direction,

"... allow yourself to be open before God... it means even setting aside your own preferences of what you want out of it."

that was honestly hard to swallow at that moment, but i realise that if i don't let go of what I prefer and look to God for better guidance, I'll always reach my breakthrough late. 

I am extremely thankful to be able to have made this trip to Penang. It's like reawakening a part of me that I thought was buried forever. My previous disappointments had kept me under depression, doubt and fears for too long, it's time to arise, and shine for the glory of God! 

i've realigned my vision and mission. somehow, i can super honest now and not worry about repurcussions. I realise that my ministry and where my heart really is doesn't belong to Wangsa Maju anymore... i can be honest (and i say this not negatively!) that my heart's passion doesn't belong to Harvest Season anymore. I've been trying to run away from that for the past 3 years... everyday, my heart is filled with images of young people in school, they are like my children and my all. i have been condemning myself and wondering why i couldn't find that passion anymore to go for Harvest Season and now i am embracing the reality is that my heart has long been passionate about a different group of people. 

they are my kiddos : ) and guys, i love you so much!

eating days :P

been having a great time in penang since Monday. Colleen has been most gracious to house me at her place and we've enjoyed some nice "makan" [eating] at various places in Penang.

*sigh* if only penang was just a bridge away from KL, taking a 5 hour bus ride nearly killed me on Monday. I'd so rather drive up than sit there in the morning trying to make myself fall asleep, it just doesn't work too well.

Monday ~

we arrived around 3pm on Monday at the bus station and Uncle was there to fetch us back to their place. Then we drove out to eat at a nearby hawker area... reminds me abit of "wei sek kai" at SS2 but definitely muchmuch nicer! I had Char Hor Fun, Colleen had curry mee... we both shared Pasembor which was tasty...soft, crunchy, sweet, savoury and spicy..all rolled into one! Next for dinner, we drove off to eat claypot beef.. served in a piping hot claypot with cabbages, slices of succulent beef, garlic and beef balls, it was the most ideal and filling meal to eat with rice and chili sauce! The best thing was we could ask for more soup FOC :D Not outdone yet... our stomachs were filled by the famous Ramli burger and hotdogs sold nearby Colleen's place where the burgers are SQUARE in shape (i kid you not) and covered or i should say slathered with oozings of mayonnaise. I ordered a burger cheese telur [egg] special which is my favourite! Heaven was in my stomach on Monday night :D 

pssst! I found out the secret ingredient for the burgers, jiarong! want to ask me what it is? it's not coconut.. but something else :P

Tuesday ~

woke up to follow colleen out to send joanne [her sister] to college in town and we dined at House of DimSum (dian xin zi jia). More than 5 plates and it comes to less than rm20! amazing stuff! stuffed myself with good chee cheong fun, friend dim sum, siew mai, jasmine tea (sorry Colleen, i forgot to tell you my tea preferences). 

next stop was to visit the Baptist Book Store at Jalan Burma and we had a short while of browsing through books and looking up stuff there. Small but well stocked book store. I like the bookmarks there :D After the visit, we decided to make our way to the famous fried oyster (o jian) and feast on a plateful of fried oyster. Crispy, tasty and slick in your mouth, it's to die for! Specially delicious when you mixed it well with some of its chili sauce. Gosh...melts in your mouth. The best thing about Penang is, seafood doesn't have a fishy taste to it cuz it's so much fresher than KL's seafood *slurp*

isn't it heaven on a plate *wink wink*

life is fragile

the news came on saturday, Yu Vern had passed away and the doctors had failed to save him... at an age of 17, he left.

as i see how people are coping with his death and being shocked, saddened and devastated... my heart goes out to all of them, especially the parents. No one deserves to die like that. He had every right to live his youth to the maximum... 

i don't know much about Vern, but I do know from reading blogs for the past few years, that he has been a significant friend to many and I grieve together with those who love and know him. I can't imagine how painful it is to lose a close friend at such a young age. 

the question haunting everyone's mind is - - Why him?

i can't find an answer for that. it disturbs me that life can be that fragile. that life can just be snuffed out like that. That while i was sleeping in my bed, Vern spent his last moments fighting for his life and hanging onto it. Life can just end like that. but i know, not a single seed or bird falls to the ground without God knowing, and He has plans for Vern even if he's in heaven. 

don't take for granted those around you. you never know when would be the last time you see that person. 

Vern, I know you're with God right now. You're looking down at all your family and friends who are grieving for your leaving. One day, they'll meet you again. I pray for peace and comfort to come upon them.