what iv been really feeling inside for the past few years

sometimes... i get the attacks of loneliness. i feel like as if i'll never find someone who truly belongs to me and me to belong to him.

sometimes... it's just so hard to even begin to imagine it because i stare into the mirror and i see "me" and all that is "me". who would ever look beyond what they see. the reality hits me and somehow a part of me dies slowly day by day whenever i think of myself.

just today, a child asked, "why are you so fat?"

haha... i don't actually mind. He doesn't understand that the "stomach" that he called "fat" was actually another body part. but then, the questions always ring in my head when someone calls that into attention. i didn't choose for me to look like me, but somehow... along the way, i am who i am today.

honestly, these things go on in my mind almost everyday. as i get older, as more friends get married and I see that wedding ring on their left hands.. it gets me thinking alot. i used to cry alot and feel sidelined by God when it came to this area. sometimes, I still do. whenever friends argue over relationship issues and the guy/girl get mad with the other party, i feel sad inside because i wish i had someone in my life as they do.

i just want to say... to have someone in your life is a blessing. don't be someone like me who is still waiting for that someone to come. Haha... i think there have been moments when I thought that person was the one and it turned out they were interested in the friend next to me... those were devastating. but i'm cool with things now : )

if you have someone in your life... please cherish them. if they are your husband / wife OR boyfriend/girlfriend... please cherish each other. i envy all of you who have someone to cherish and i would do anything i could to maintain that relationship and keep it good and well.

no, i am not being "emo" about being lonely. Somehow, there's a part of me that says that "it is well with my soul" because i know that GOd is still in control over these issues in my life. I have learnt to practice more peace in this and see the big picture. 

sometimes... its not really about you being ready or not... its also about God deciding the perfect timing for us and this applies to all the areas in our lives not just relationships. But a relationship is very important because its a lifetime decision. you don't say you love a person unless you mean it right?

at this point, though im 27 and supposed to be "of age"... to me, its just a definition determined by our society. who says i need to be married before 30? I'd love to get married next year but is it God's divine timing for me and my future spouse? I have no idea. there could be many people who are around me now that could be "the one" but God never prompted their hearts or my heart, so is it the right timing to even start anything?

point is... i would rather wait on God for the best choice He could give me. That person hasn't come yet. Though at times, the waiting gets painful when I see one by one of my friends hook up, get married and have children. But I know, God is still preparing me... He is still holding my hand and guiding me in various areas in my life that I know I need to clear before He takes my hand and joins with another hand that has been held by God as well all this while.

that is the perfect union I desire... three hands... his and mine and God holding ours... our ideal team is God + him + me!

i don't even know why i'm blogging this minutes before I go off for second service at church... but I feel this is also a moment for me to release the burdens that I have held inside concerning issues.. and its also one of the moments when God is guiding my writing.

those who know me probably hear me confess so much of my deep feelings concerning relationship for the very first time through this blog. It's not easy I can tell you, i'm holding back a sob as I write and the tears are rolling inside my eyes.

but I will not cry because I know the emotions will come and go. the reality is that God remains faithful to me and that He is preparing a future for me.. what my future is I do not know but I praise Jesus...

.... because He holds my hand : ) i love You so much Jesus. this is a song that has touched my heart... 

I Just Want You - Planet Shakers (Acoustic album)

More than a nice melody,

More than the sweetest of words

This is love i have found,

and with this love i am found.

I just want you Jesus, i just want You my Lord,

I just want you Jesus, i just want You.

Never could i comprehend,

The love You so freely give,

Never could i be with You,

But Your love covers all of my sin.

I just want you Jesus, i just want You my Lord,

I just want you Jesus, i just want You.

There is no greater love than Your's,

Nothing else could ever compare

And even if i search all the world i will never find a love like Yours, God

There is no greater love than Your's,

Nothing else could ever compare

And even if i search all the world i will never find a love like Yours

I just want you Jesus, i just want You my Lord,

I just want you Jesus, i just want You, Jesus