ugh

i've really forgotten what defines me... my clothes, my taste, the friends I have, the books I read, the awards and certificates I've received, my education, my race, my skin colour, my car, the songs I listen to, the food I like, the hobbies I enjoy, the shoes I wear, the brands I love to buy...?

which one?

I just want to be a person whom I can stare into the mirror and feel satisfied about anything and everything that I possess and lack. Did Paul just mean financial things when he said, "I know how to be poor and to prosper"? Or did he mean at the times when emotionally and physically when he felt drained and the times when he felt at his optimum?

I wonder how his ministry days were? like I always imagine, it must be pretty tough to have a death warrant signed under your name and live everyday wondering if anyone was sent to murder you. How does it feel to be called a murderer yourself? Were there ups and downs within the same day?

I bet there were.  Those "not-so-good" but "still-ok-ok-lah" days are always around. Today, it's been exceptionally interesting.

Because officially, I've lost who I am. This time, its not even about burnt bridges, but it's about losing the passion and about losing the direction that I thought I so had a grasp upon. Once again, I find myself at the crossroads wondering if I'll ever start moving instead of standing there deciding and deciding what to do.

it feels like last year's Christmas again. you know, the period of time where I was wandering. 

again... i feel like no one understands. again... i feel like i need to escape certain things.

ugh.