the rhythm of the week

I'm starting to like what I've been doing of late. Pretending that I'm natural with things and somehow deciding to do what is right and not make a choice of preference for something that I would prefer.

Because I realise... if it is to be, it is UP TO ME.

At times I feel like screaming. I feel like standing up and walk away from a lot of things. Most of the time, the conversations I have in my mind are contradicting and at war at each other nonstop.

Last weekend was the first taste of disappointment. I couldn't get to go to Passion World Tour. An event that I had prayed about, set aside money and prepared my heart for more than a month.... resulted in.. "All tickets are sold out" and seeing my friends being able to go because they'd booked via online using credit card. I mentally kicked myself so many times for not acting on instinct and going ahead to buy the tickets when I was at DUMC the other week... not that I hesitated, but I was waiting for confirmation from people. But yeah well... it sucks and it still hurts to have a "what if" in me now. Perhaps it feels worse still when the friend you thought you could just ask for comfort from goes all jolly and rubs it in that they have their ticket and I don't. So what if I cried? I'm darn disappointed!

A deeper taste of disappointment comes from seeing effort being put to waste. Constant reminders ignored. The tidak apa Malaysian attitude that so successfully creeps in to influence people for the worse. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to care. My attention is conditional as far as I see it. When a favour is needed, I'm the garment you choose to match your situation. When it doesn't suit your taste anymore, I am thrown aside and made nothing.

I'm not taking it personal. Honestly, I have better things in life to be worried about. The whole world population still needs to hear about Jesus Christ died on the cross for their sakes. I can't afford to deal with immaturity while I have other things to be concerned about. Academics are more important at this point of life for most of them. So I shall respond appropriately.

I feel used up. It's nothing personal. I just want to feel happy again without feeling pressured, angry, disappointed and stressed.

People I miss at this moment: Sophira, Grace Goh, Roanne Lau, Bernice, Charissa, Monica

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here, I hope you understand