I A-M H-U-R-T. I A-M. God, I know You are there despite it all.

It's stormy times for me now. So many decisions, so many questions race through my mind these few days. I can only find peace when I worship God and sing my heart out. Only before God can I let out a deep breathe and be totally open and desperate for comfort.

Not that I'm fake at other times. Everyone has different identities to function in. At school, I'm Ms. Catherine... I can never present myself an emotional mess before colleagues or students, because we're suppose to motivate and encourage the children to work hard and develop their character. In church, I'm Catherine...one of the Usher Team Leaders, I'm a cell assistant and cell member... I have to be strong spiritually, be mature and present myself as a good testimony before my fellow bros and sis' in Christ. At home, I'm Mei Ling...the daughter... who needs to be capable and not depend on mom for money or support since I moved out.

I'm sure everyone has multiple identities to function in depending on the situation at that moment. But right now, I just want to be one identity... I just want to Catherine Ong Mei Ling - child of God.

Because this identity alone gives me the strength to carry on each day. It gives me the motivation to get out of bed and face another day at school. It fuels me from giving up on church and cell group. It guides me to endeavour in any way to be more caring of my own mother. God, I just want to be Your child at this moment. I don't want the toys You gave me - - - spiritual gifts, talents, anointing - - - I WANT YOU, AND YOU ALONE, DAD

Abba Daddy, I just want to crawl into Your arms and fall asleep with a smile on my face because You whisper in my ear, "Everything's going to be all right, baby. Daddy will fix it for you."

Let me sleep in Your arms,
Abandon all my worries.
Sleep in Your warm embrace

Daddy, I'm sad. I need a hug *sob*

You are my Rock in times of trouble
You lift me up,when I am down
All through the storm
Your love is the anchor
My hope in in You alone

Only You. Only You. Only You.

I asked the young people in school to do a list of 20 things to give thanks for. So I think, I shall motivate myself to do so as well. I haven't listed my blessings for a LONG time since last year! *deep breath* Here it GOes....

GOD

God, I'm so thankful that You are present and living in my life. I remember being in an age at the crossroads of deciding whether I would stay cynical and bitter about the people and things around me... or would I choose to believe in Someone who claimed that He would put to a stop all the hurt, confusion and doubts I had in my mind and soul. I always thought that religion was something fools or weaklings subscribed to. It was a crutch to those who couldn't stand up for themselves. I scoffed, I laughed and secretly mocked people who would rely on God and go down on their knees and worship Him. I didn't need God, I certainly didn't need Jesus. But things changed when I was in college. God isn't a medical perscription that I took so that now I'm in a perpetual divine-narcotic induced high for life. But rather... God has proven through His ways, His faithfulness and His blessings... that He is indeed real. It is a moment-by-moment realisation of just how real God is from the moment I believed in Jesus right up until now.

The first two years of my Christian walk was like having a loving Father and best friend who understood me. Whenever I had hurt and pain inside, the Holy Spirit would reassure me, God would send friends who eased the pain. I was never alone. I grew to trust this God who had once seemed so distant but now so near in my life. God was ever-present in the dark room with me until I was ready to lift up the curtains and peek at the sunshine outside. He was ever-patient enough to wait for me to take the first step out of self sufficiency and into the realm of faith and trusting in Him. Just like how Pastor David once said, God is reconstructing parts of my life. God indeed is doing that work. It's a lifetime process, I believe.

After those first two years...discipleship set in. Learning to be responsible with God's gifts in my life. Learning to see that God wants me to be His student and learn and practice all the things He taught me through the Bible. At this point, sacrificing my desires and behavior patterns were the toughest "crosses" to carry. God, why me? God why must it always be me? Why can't I also have the same freedom or liberty to make mistakes? Why do I get scolded or corrected more than others? Not because its fun... but because to stay in God's army, you need to always be ready and prepared. Training is essential...and sometimes training can be painful.

I have a picture of a cross drawn out using a red pen. As I look at it now as I type, I realise that Christ died in obeying God and paid with His own blood! Would I be willing to shed my own blood like Christ for God's will to be accomplished on earth? Jesus paid the most painful and heaviest price... I haven't even come near letting anyone cut me with a knife yet, I can't complain. I have to go on! Now, I've been 4 - 5 years being a Christian...I'm must more certain that I believe in a God that IS Love. Will always love and can do nothing else but love!

I can imagine, if I didn't have God in my life... alot of things would have been different for me. I would have lost hope by now at this age. Because at the age of 21, I had already decided to stop living my life for the people around me. If I had carried on living a life without a purpose... I would be a wreck by now. But, God... in Your purpose and timing...You stepped in. I've never stopped giving thanks. Because only You have brought me through the valley, carried me when I couldn't walk anymore. Led me when I was blind. Called me home when I strayed. You did everything just so I could feel secure again. So many times my heart got hurt, You were the only one was is faithful. Even now, when things are changing in my life...I give thanks that You, my LORD and Savior, havn't changed.

I wanted to share about 20 things to give thanks. But I decided, if I didn't have God in my life, I wouldn't have had 20 things even to count my blessings.

God, thank You. I love You, Jesus.

Allow me to shine for You, and be Your vessel to bring honour and glory to Your name.