T.E.A.R.S.
Day #1: What did I find today? *T.E.A.R.S.* Taking Everything Away, Renewing my Soul
do you know how it feels to wake up every morning and realise that you're still breathing. it can be inspiring and it can be depressing at the same time. it's really how your last night was... if you went to bed happy with yourself and the things and people around you, chances are you wake up with expectancy and motivation to give it your best that day.
but if you slept with regret, sadness, anger and disappointment... high chances are you wake up feeling "emo" and everything you set eyes on suddenly looks lousy, the emotions churning inside of you are horrible, your reflection in the mirror is a monster you've been living for the past years you've been alive. it can get so bad that you even wonder - was i ever alive on the inside ?
life was never perfect on earth since the time of creation. ever since i could remember, growing up as a kid with only one parent around... it was fun and not fun at the same time. I loved the times when my mom was so busy working it gave me loads of time to myself to read, watch TV and play my Gameboy. I relished those solitary moments. Yet, whenever I burst through the backdoor after coming back to school, I hated those moments when I was dying to tell my mom something and she would just shoo me away or scold me for barging in and telling her what happened in school. i hated being abandoned too.
even until now... i will still dream of being abandoned. i would still dream of people - family and friends - leaving me. everyone would hate me in my dreams, no one would give me a chance and no one... not even God... would want to love me. that is how i really feel on the inside. the truth is, there has always been a sense of inadequacy living on the inside. so much so, that any moment i choose to turn my eyes and ears to that part of me, i start tearing up. even now, as I type this out, i'm already crying and sobbing.
but i know i have to keep on writing.
this sense of not measuring up, the fear of being rejected and abandoned, has shaped me and moulded me into the person i am today. People are always (i guess) impressed with my portfolio - teacher, research assistant, translator, debater, ex-part time journalist, intellectual student, apologist, blogger, writer, singer, piano and guitar player. let me tell you a big secret...
... i've never been impressed with myself.
because when i look into the mirror, I see someone who doesn't measure up. i'm never the perfect daughter, i'm never the perfect teacher, heck no i've NEVER been the perfect Christian and i doubt i'm the best writer, singer, friend or anything.
believe it or not, the only reason why i get involved with such a variety of jobs and interests, its only to prove to myself that i am not as useless as those voices inside of me try to tell me. everyday, i try to outdo myself because i so desperately want to prove to the world and most importantly to myself that i can make it because i childishly believe "there can be miracles when you believe".
most of the days, i can live with that satisfaction that i succeeded in bluffing myself that i'm successful, and i'm an achieved person. I can most of the time mentally pat myself on the back and say "well done!"
but there are days, when N-O-T-H-I-N-G i do seems to matter. Even if i can find proof and see evidence that i'm doing good, i don't like myself. In fact, I really hate myself. Because every time i mess up, it somehow triggers something inside of me that says, "you know what, it doesn't matter if you're good in other things, you SUCK in THIS!" i'm never good enough for myself.
and that's enough to get me down.
i've wiped away tears without people knowing. Heck, its a common joke that I need to display my emotions so outrightly then only people would know that I'm having a bad day. Most of the time, all I need to do is to run up to the toilet (if I'm at work) and stay there for about 5 minutes, wash my face and come down. No one really sees my red eyes because after 5 minutes they return to the normal colour and i'm ready to laugh and play with my kids while inside, i'm screaming for some help.
so many times, when i sit there and listen to someone and i give advice. I feel like getting up and walking away because i feel that i have no right to be there for that person. i love him/her and would want to help him/her... but what right do I have when i can't even help myself most of the time?
im still crying as i write this... i gotta hang on...
look, the point of the matter is. EVERYONE has lousy days. i'm having mine right now. and this post isnt meant for you to take pity on me, it isn't meant for you to sms me and tell me that you love me and no matter what you'll stand by me. it really isnt about telling my cell leader so that she knows im not ok and she will sms me and ask me if i'm ok.
it isnt.
you missed the point.
this post is about being honest. this post is the very reason i started blogging ever since i was 19. this post is about embracing life and its challenges and being real with the circumstances that happen all around us. it's about realising that you can't do it on your own anymore.
i can go one the whole day and ramble about how lousy i feel. i can sit here and cry and cry until someone in the house realises and then i can keep crying so that people will come and pray with me.
but somehow, i know. that even if I look into the mirror and i feel lousy, and i don't feel like a child of God... it doesn't change an iota of who i am in Jesus. Because it's not about how i look at myself anymore.
there will be days when i will cry (like now) and i can feel as worthless as I want. because i look at myself through my own eyes, which are imperfect, dulled with sin and covered with self inflicted blindness. my eyes have been trained by the world to naturally look at sin, to look at all the inconsistencies, all the lies and all the imperfections in my life.
but when i look through the eyes of Christ. the one who died for me despite my imperfections. i see hope. i see that everyday can be a different day if i start it by looking at what God has put in it for me, just for me. God has custom-made my everyday just for me.
that is why... i haven't slit my wrist from the time in college when all the pressure came crashing down on me. because of one SMS that said, "God loves you no matter what." And for the very first time, that night, i began the journey of learning to see myself as God sees me.
Grace is something totally amazing. Amazing grace...to save a wretch like me. It's not fair to love someone like me, but God says it is. It's not right to forgive someone like me, but God says He does.
It's not that God is being biased and just lets me off the hook either. Its because ALL my past sins, current ones and future ones... have been punished on the Cross. It's because all my imperfections have been nailed at Calvary. As Christ shed his blood on the cross, that same blood covers all my failures, all my hate for myself, all the unforgiveness that I can't let go over myself... it washes it all away.
i'm a real person. Jesus is real.
i can live this life feeling lousy, but i can also live this live using the eyes of God to see that Jesus was killed, Jesus was made to feel lousy, miserable, dejected, abandoned, disappointed, angry, sad, lonely etc; so that today, i won't be bound by all this anymore. i've been saved for freedom... not slavery in my soul!
so thus begins the first day of my soul searching. i didn't do the ritual praying in tongues and reading the word. I started with reading devotionals on grace and ran through stuff in my mind with God and voila this blog post came.
i hope you're blessed as i am. remember, God loves you and doesn't want your soul to be bound... He wants to set it free. if you want to be set free, all you need to do is just tell God and He is ready to answer right then and there. welcome aboard, if you want to embark on a journey of freedom.
Give your tears to Him today!
T = Taking
E = Everything
A = Away
R = Renewing
S = Soul
Taking Everything Away, Renewing my Soul.
thank you Jesus, you're my everything and you become my everything everyday.
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