Jesus, thanks for the unexpected : )

I received an email in July that I forgot about for the past two weeks. When I logged onto Canon Camera Malaysia on Facebook today, this is what greeted my eyes : )

Thank you Canon Malaysia for the opportunity to be featured. Thank you Kah Sheng for being the candid model in this picture. This picture was taking at school camp earlier this year and this picture brings back memories of the fun, mud, and sun we all had : ) Thank YOU, Jamie Ho Yimun as well, because I was using your 50mm lens that time ; )

But most of all thank You, God, for blessing me with my camera and the great and awesome weather to snap this picture. I dedicate this picture to You, Jesus. Snapping pictures is an inspiration given by You to me. May my pictures bring glory to Your name.

Next theme to tackle: Hari Raya 2010.

Let's go and snap some more!

Matters of the Heart

God has His special way of delivering us from our situations at the right time.

READ: His timing. Not ours.

Having lived under a dark cloud of depression, anger and disappointment for the past few months. The only thing to do that was safe was to blog and to read. Any time I would think of the issues it would send me on a downward spiral of further negative thoughts. To look at people would just tempt me to feel even more bitter and confused.

However, picking up a book entitled Waking The Dead by John Eldredge has been a God-send. Reading it slowly for the past two weeks and allowing it to speak to me has proved to be a gradual but sure healing process. In the words of Mr. Eldredge its been a process of "rescuing the heart".

The heart of the matter is really the matter of the heart. One of the questions that was posed in the book struck a really deep note in me was,

Do you think you have a good heart?

I honestly couldn't answer that question with a yes and not feel a twinge of disbelief or feel that my insides were squirming and contempt for myself rising.

I honestly don't think I have a good heart because in an instance I can call up so many memories of having screwed up small and big time. I can also recall many instances where I started out with a good heart but ended up with horrible and failed results.

So much for a good heart, huh?

That voice rings inside my heart. It despises my every intention of wanting to be the best. It laughs and mocks at my determination to believe that it's not time to throw in the towel and give up.

The enemy comes to subtly at times with arrows aimed to hit where it matters and hurts the most - our hearts. The enemy knows that when the heart gets shattered enough, gets broken enough, and gets wounded enough, we're taken out. Most of the time, we would then choose to give up on our own hearts and refuse the truth.

However, God is the one who fights for our heart. There is a reason why our God is called the Lord of the Hosts. He is the Commander for the armies in heaven. Our God, is a God of war as well. Sometimes, as Christians, we say so much about grace and that the Cross has won it all and that's all real and good. But the fact of the matter is, we can enjoy that rest and grace, but we shouldn't be naive and assume that our enemy the Devil is at rest and is being oh-so graceful about it.

The Devil has declared war on our hearts since the Garden of Eden and that war is still on right at this moment. He will continue his assault until surely we are down and he will take us out in our weakest state.

If we really didn't need to fight anymore, why does the New Testament talk about putting on the armour of God. If an armour is not for fighting, then what is it for? A cat walk down New York's fashion parade? Grace and rest come in play together with our daily battles. We fight but we we obtain a rest in our hearts knowing that the war is won, we're just reclaiming lost ground by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

These past two weeks, God has asked me repeatedly,

Would you allow me to fight for your heart for you?

It was a silent no at the beginning. God, don't come near me. My heart is rotten. It's filled with stuff you don't want to see. It's ok God, I'll handle my heart from where I am. I'm doing great God, you can go and help someone else who needs more help... (more excuses)

Why won't you let me fight for you?

The moment I relented and opened the door for Him to step through, the healing came. It wasn't so much about winning daily battles of personal bad habits or sin. Instead, God dealt with issues like rejection, self-doubt, guilt and loneliness. As I read testimony after testimony from that book (that I mentioned way earlier) I shed tears because I could identify with those people for their helplessness and despair.

And amidst all that chaos, God wanted to fight for me. My heart mattered that much to God.

I won't say that having a heart that is being healed changes things overnight. But there is an ever increasing sense of confidence that my heart is not what the Devil claims it to be. My heart is good because the bad heart was crucified on the Cross. And if within us, there is that silent thought of "How can they say that their hearts are good? Just like that? Isn't that pride?"

No, it isn't.

If I can't believe or see that truth that my heart is good, then I settle for the lie that my heart is not good. The lie that says my heart is capable of doing evil and is full of potential to be rotten. I know people will quote the Bible verse that says the heart is evil above all things but please remember, the heart can only be evil if you allow evil to reign in it.

Have we not believed in Jesus? Has He not died for things in the past, present and also future? If we claim our hearts are evil and are not good, then how will we change or see the redemptive power flow within our own hearts? Every time we try to do good and we fail, do we look at ourselves and allow Satan to whisper to us and say,

See, I told you so. You're not good at all.

Yes, we are at war. We are very much at war right now.

Here's the logic, if I can't begin to see that Christ dwells in my heart and therefore it is good; then when I look at another fellow believer, and when I get disappointment or mad at them, how will i answer that questions that goes,

Does he/she have a good heart?

If I don't think that you have a good heart, would I be able to trust you again and again after each disappointment or disagreement? Would I be able to exercise hope and forgiveness so easily?

Yes, we are at war. We are warring and fighting for the pure heart that God has given to us because He loves us. We are declaring an all out war to rescue the part of us that the enemy so desperately tries to take away from us.

Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are

When I started to believe and declare that my heart is good, the voices within that condemned, jeered and mocked, did not seem to hold so much power and venom anymore. They haven't silenced completely, but somehow, my heart has tuned into a louder and stronger voice - the voice of the God Most High, who loves me with an everlasting love.

The war has begun, you're on the winning side. Go and take back what is yours because the King has returned and He will save you. Aslan is here and winter has ended at last in Narnia, victory is in the air. And so...

Last question,

Do you want your heart to be rescued?

Father's Day

It's been 18 years since I last saw you.

My last memory was me crying and crying and trying to hide myself from you because I was scared of you.

I hardly knew who you were, and I could only remember what the adults have been telling me.

That you were irresponsible.

That you took your temper out on me because you fought with mom.

That you left us.

I remember screaming my lungs out and telling my uncle to "...ask him to go away! I don't want to see him!"

Throughout the years, I grew up not needing to have you in my life. My first bicycle rides, my first day at school, report card days, learning to drive, finally graduating and getting my degree...

i never needed you or thought of having you there.

But 3 year ago, when I decided to give you a call. I found the other side of my family tree. It's not that you actually knew I was found at last, your sister found me. When I met up with her, it was anything but pleasant. I heard things that I didn't need to hear and in the end I got frustrated because it was not a way to connect with you at all.

I changed my number along the way and I never bothered to inform your sister about it. I couldn't bear to deal with another round of emotional onslaught and getting hurt.

It's been 3 years since I tried to reconnect with you. I've let go some of the hurt and fear about meeting up with you. I also realise as I look at the digital photo of you - the only thing your sister could provide - that you are old. I can hardly recognise you at all from the picture. But whatever that has happened in the past, I'm willing to let it go already and just reconnect.

It's Father's Day today, and every year I wonder if you feel lonely that there is no one to celebrate it with you. I wonder if it would make any difference that I call and reconnect now.

But I've decided to do this. I've never given you a Father's Day gift before that I can remember. I can be honest to say that I don't even know if it will work, but I'm surrendering this matter to above and if God-willing, then perhaps we will meet.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.