Here We Go
The end of year 2011 came and went in a whirlwind of activity, excitement and joy. This is probably the year where I've eaten the most for Christmas, been blessed with the most small and loving gifts from people I least expected, and the year where I spent more time with new friends and family.

And yet, being the typical nostalgic and sentimental person that I am, I can't help but note how some old traditions or habits were no longer in play. No more going for our usual Sunday Christmas lunch and oooh and aaah over the food. No more sitting at the Christmas tree and opening presents.

Somehow, I never stopped missing those moments and yet somehow I've moved on. How is that possible even?

But 2011 is the year where new friendships were forged. I had to look at myself real hard on the inside sometimes and acknowledge that the old days were gone and I either had to continue to be miserable with it forever or move on.

I decided to move on.
But I never stopped caring.

I note that around me circumstances have taken a big 180 degrees turn about and I have caught myself many times comparing and thinking of those "what ifs" and "maybes" for the year 2011. I want to be resolute for 2012 and not look at temporal things but eternal things. The things that I can see won't last forever, but the things that are unseen - faith, hope, love - they endure forever.

I will continue to plod on in this journey of life, knowing that I have a band of brothers and sisters, such a growing family we are, that gives me strength when I least expect it, love when I least know I need it and hope when I least realise I'm losing it. I know that there is a family that I can depend on and yet wont allow me to be dependant on them until I become a cripple. I have a family who pushes me up and on.

So 2012, I'm about to take my first step in a few hours time in my work, relationships, ministry and ambition.  I'm giving it all to You, for You know best.
And I just want to say thank You for giving me a family in Christ who loves me and allows me to love them!

Dear Mr. Someone,

How have you been? It's been ages since I've written to you. Maybe because things have gotten so busy this whole year of 2011. How has your year been so far? I bet you were caught up with a whirlwind of things too, right?

This year, my heart has been tested. I catch myself wondering whether I've finally met you and whether you've finally met me. Nothing too romantic, but yes, I felt a fluttering once in a while. But I know it's going to take more than just a feeling to open up and allow another person in my heart.

Life has been so interesting in this area. I see myself react, think and feel in a totally different way in this area this year. Perhaps God is leading me into a whole new different perspective of living. To learn to pray for things that never seemed to matter to me before. And now, I pray for all those things because I realise that God wants them to matter to me. Wow, that's something new. We always thought we'd pray for God's will in things that interest Him but we never thought of ourselves being His focus as well.

I miss you lots. I know I'm writing a blog post here to someone that I have yet to meet but yet I want to prepare my heart. That there will be that defining moment where we both decide to take our friendship beyond a friendship. Where two individuals set aside their differences and purpose to share a common vision together as a couple and later on as a family unit to glorify God and be a blessing to those around them.

That day will come. Until then, I will stay true to you. My Mr. Someone :)

Focus
It's the little things in life that count. Cliche as it may sound, it is so true.

What matters to me, what brightens my day, what makes the world seem more hopeful to me...
Isn't in the amount of money I earn.
Isn't in what car I drive or how many times I modify it to look cool and flashy.
Isn't about how many degrees I hold from distinguished universities.
Isn't about what house I stay in.
Isn't about what job I'm working in.
Isn't about which church I belong in.
Isn't about what kind of friends I need to have.
Isn't about the food I eat, the Starbucks I crave, or the mint choc chip I just bought.

Life isn't made more meaningful by all this.
All that is vanity. Vain longings that momentarily sate the true hunger and desires within.

Different things make my day and inspire me to continue hoping. Here's a few...

It's about feeling that small hand holding yours and hear the child's voice call you by name.
It's about seeing a smile erase a worried face.
It's about being able to pass on a blessing to some one who needs it but least expects it.
It's about having a genuine laugh over some really ugly pictures, and knowing that it doesn't matter anyway.
It's about sharing a common vision and goal in life.
It's about agreeing that it's ok not to be ok.
It's about watching your students grow up and move on victoriously in life.
It's about seeing your life's investment grow and multiply and propagate to the next generation.
It's about seeing God in a situation and finding peace.
It's about feeling helpless yet not losing that sense of gravity in His strength.
It's about seeing a rainbow when you feel your lowest, a special reminder that He will not let you drown.
It's about being able to be honest and know that you won't be judged.
It's about knowing that no matter what, we're double secure in God and Jesus' hands.
It's about being certain that your spiritual home is not your final destination and that there is always more.

Life becomes meaningful when we refocus and it becomes all about Father, Son and Spirit again. These are times when we are lured by the external and forget that without the internal realisation, ANYTHING becomes vanity. Even going to church and worshiping becomes vanity because we lose the focus we need.

Lord, I'm so sorry for focusing on the non-essential things instead of focusing on You. Teach me again, show me once more.

I want to fall deeper in love with You.
Amen.

No I ain't good enough, but He still loves me

What a stormy, stormy November it has been.
At least it has been stormy for my heart.

I deem my life interesting because of the wrestling, struggling, painful and tense moments in my life.
How much more interesting could it get right.

The amount of success stories in mastering my temper and nerves, the even more amount of failures that stack up against the success to sometimes overshadow my efforts; that is, sometimes serves to discourage more than encourage.

And yet, my Bible tells me I was created for glory. That somehow in this infinitesimal world of ours, what I go through matters to a loving God? And sometimes, amidst all the muck and yuck, you begin to wonder...

... does He really love me?


I am tempted beyond all doubt that the world doesn't want to have anything to do to me. If not, I would not have struggled with feelings of inferiority, abandonment, disappointment and anger. I have lived in days where the lights were out, and I could just sit in the dark and mourn. Ashes were a more befitting attire than joy and fun with the rest of the world.

And yet, what mattered more was did my God love me despite all this?
Because if I can't answer that question, there really isn't any reason to continue and pretend it's ok.


This month, my heart was tested in areas that I had almost shut the door on. I never knew that a heart could be created to feel this way. Anxiety, anticipation, confusion and nervousness all rolled into one. Wow, I was sure a bundle of nerves! It made me pause and reflect on this new part of me that I had not discovered for the past 29 years. Moreover, this month, the things that used to be so appealing to me suddenly took on a grey shade of boring-ness.

I must be going mad, was the first notion in my mind.
I knew I wasn't going mad. I was going insane.

Life is indeed a journey that never ends, one singer crooned years ago. And I trudge along this road, watching each day unfold and I marvel at how we as humans cheat ourselves into thinking we have it all, when we actually don't. Each day serves to tell me just how much I failed as much as how much I achieve. My daily reflections remind me that I am only human and I am tiny, weak and like a vapour as the psalmist put it.

And the question comes back again to does God really, really want to stake a claim of love on someone like me? For real?


This is what he He tells me each and everyday...
yes. I do love you.
Loved you so much that I let my own Son die just to save you instead.


While I lie in my bed choking back those sobs, because pride wouldn't allow anyone to see or hear;
When I feel the threat of not being good enough engulf my very soul;
Those moments when tears are already dangerously near during the sermon and you force a swallow///

He knew He had to love me.
He says, "I will never sideline you. Never. This is my promise to you, dear child."
And though no human arms encircle me, I feel His love permeate my very being and my heart overflows.

This is our God.

Cycling with Daddy :)

Cycling with Daddy :)

When you first start out cycling, you ride with training wheels. It stops you from falling, you enjoy the fun of cycling without any scrapes or falls. The training wheels keeps you protected and secure.

But one day, Daddy says it's time to take off those wheels and learn to cycle on your own. So he takes the wheels off and you watch with a mixture of excitement and doubt. Inside you're wondering,what if I fall, what if i can't do it. 

Daddy turns to you and says, let's try this out now. You hesitate and you wonder if Daddy would let the training wheels be back on for just a little while more. He smiles and says,

"Don't worry, I'm here. Daddy's here, sweetheart."

So after much coaxing you warily board the bicycle and feel a sense of tension build up. There is a fear of the unknown but if Daddy is Daddy, he knows what he's doing. So you grip the handlebars tighter than before and gulp down the fear and say ok Daddy, I'm ready.

Daddy pushes the bicycle and tells you to pedal. Your bike feels steady and gains momentum as you glide and you pedal. Your fear begins to melt slightly because Daddy's hands are holding you and when the bike wobbles, he's quick to put it back straight when you call out for help.

Then the moment comes, Daddy says he's going to let go and tells you that no matter what keep pedalling. You look at him and feel like crying because once again you don't know if you can do it. Daddy smiles and says its ok honey, Daddy's here, try your best and remember to pedal hard. You can do it.

So you start pedalling harder and Daddy counts 1, 2, 3... and you're on your own. At first the momentum keeps you upright but since its your first time going solo on the bike, it gradually starts to lose speed and you begin to wobble. Your legs suddenly buckle and you panic. Crash! You're on the ground crying because you skinned your knee.

Daddy runs to pick you up and hugs you. He lets you cry your heart out and sob. When you quiet down, he raises your head and wipes the tears from your face and kisses that bruised spot on your knee. He tells you how brave you were to keep pedalling and that he's so proud of you.

But Daddy, I fell. I couldn't cycle well enough...

Daddy hugs you and tells you that the falling was part of learning. He asks you whether you knew why you fell. You tell him because you didn't pedal consistently and the handle bars were going crooked. Daddy asks if you know what to do better the next time and you say maybe. So Daddy says good and asks if you wanted to try again to get better at it.

After much thinking, you realise that as long as Daddy was going to be there, it didn't matter how many times you fell. Daddy was going to be there to help and make it all right.

So you get on the bicycle again and try. You fell again, but this time, you weren't that afraid of falling.In fact, you knew what you needed to avoid doing the next time. After a few rounds of falling and coaching from Daddy, you managed to cycle around the block without falling!

Daddy was so proud of his sweetheart :)

And from then on, you not only knew how to cycle; you also cycled TOGETHER with Daddy around the neighbourhood, and everyone knew just how good you were at cycling.

All thanks to Daddy

And I realise that being a child of God and learning to display the kingdom of God is the same. We receive salvation and begin our walk with feeling so secure, loved and protected. We take our baby steps of faith and learn about God. One day, we realise we're not just children who live on just milk, God begins to direct our paths and teach us to be grown up stewards of His kingdom.

Will we meet doubts? Yes.

Will we fear? Yes.

Will we fall and hurt ourselves? Yes.

But our God is first a God of love and He comforts, encourages and guides us patiently. He's like the father  who holds the handlebars and reassures you when you cry out to him for help. He's the father who will pick you up and hold you when you fall and hurt yourself. He never leaves you in a pitiful state, but comes straight to the rescue when you call out to him.

God is also a God of hope. He never gives up on you and keeps reminding you to try again and get better at everything you set your heart on - jobs, ministry, relationship, finances, emotional issues... EVERYTHING! He doesn't despise you for your weaknesses, He leads you by His love, not condemnation.

And when you succeed, He tells you just  how proud He is of you :)

Moreover, you get to partner with God as you allow Him access to more and more of your life.

So, have you gone cycling with Daddy lately?

This week marks the fourth week of being in my new job. Wow, a month really passes by in a blink of an eye! Where did it go?

I have so many things to give thanks to God - people, opportunities, blessings - are among the many things that I've experienced so far.

It's been almost a month of adjusting to a fixed schedule. Long gone are the days where I can afford to stay up until 2 or 3 am on an almost daily basis. Now, almost like clockwork my internal battery gets snuffed out at midnight and I find myself nodding off quite automatically and I find myself dragging a tired out body to sleepydom until the next morning.

Thankfully I've gotten used to the whole sleep early and wake up early routine. The days are filled with reading up articles pertaining to my field of work, formulating classroom lessons, planning trips, talking, writing and etc. I embrace my everyday with enthusiasm because of the prospect and potential I can see that it will bring one day. Though we started out small, I am not deterred by the numbers. I am much more concerned with quality and achieving higher goals than just mere figures of earning.

On a personal side, God has just been totally awesome. I always wished I could feel or experience the "heartbeat" of God and these past few weeks, I've caught more than one glimpse of what it means to see Him as Love. He isn't just loving, but God is the definition of Love. Along the days of this month, through many circumstances and people, I have seen the Maker's fingerprints on each and every one of them. 

People equate living a supernatural lifestyle as all the dramatic happenings - resurrection, deliverance, miracles, healings - but it can also be moments of being totally aware of His presence around you. It has been more than once whereby I can consciously feel Him lay His hands reassuringly on my shoulders. That weight on my shoulders, the sudden engulfing of warmth and light all around me all point to the fact that God is indeed very real.

God has been confirming things that I have kept secret in my heart. Sometimes, the littlemost questions that I have had for sometime were answered without me asking them. Some much needed confirmations have come my way as well. The key was to ask and keep on asking, to continue to strike out in faith eventhough He did not speak yet for certain matters.

Right now, God is unfolding yet another different season in my life. I really don't know what to make of it, but I am quite assured that whatever it is, He knows best. That  He has my best interests in mind and He won't lead me astray. This new season is quite important to me and has always been something I barely entertain in my life, but truthfully I knew one day I would have to face it and here it is.

Therefore, I will continue to trust Him in all these things. Because I know my future is in His hands. And the hand that leads me is a reassuring one :)

Lord, I offer my life once again to You.

Lead, guide and walk with me Jesus :D

When I was your age

When I was your age

When I was your age, decisions didn't come any easier than it is for you now

In fact, it was probably as messy, difficult and annoying.

New year resolutions helped to a certain extent

but resolve was what I really needed, not more resolutions to be unmet again

Am I making sense? When I was your age, trying to verbalise myself wasn't easy either.

You either worry whether you're sounding like a weirdo with your principles

or whether people accept you for who you are

and if they don't, you don't care but yet do care when you wished for some understanding

When I was your age, the world didn't really hold much promise.

I had already accumulated enough heartache to stop believing, or having much high hopes

People were starting to be boring, a matter of convenience

all I wanted was an island so I could just be alone.

At your age, social media, social networking became a mask for me to hide

when I was unhappy, my status would either reflect that truth with lots of exaggeration

or mask the truth

tears were shed, but my status was always a " :) "

But when I was your age, it all changed as well

I found that life can be messy and difficult but there's a solution.

I discovered a resolve that I never had before

A kind of resolve that seems to be able to brave any kind of weather in my life

At your age, I learnt to communicate and find courage in voicing out

I found out that it's ok not to be ok

Acceptance was the new rule and rejection was never an option

A fresh breath of freedom!

When I was your age, I realised that denying hope to my heart made it sicker

If I stopped believing in another tomorrow, there would be no today to live in

People began to take on value, as I learnt that I am valuable

I didn't want to be alone anymore

When I was your age, I learnt that the Internet doesn't need to be

a place to hide and assume another alter ego, a fake personality

I made it a point to keepin' it real, by paying it forward

I'm writing to you now, because you're the age I was once upon a time :)

Because when I was your age, Jesus found me and saved me.

And life, well...

Has never really been the same anymore.

I have decided, I have resolved.

Up at Chefoo... which is the mandarin equivalent of "praying for blessings", I think all of us got a hearty dose of blessings upon blessings. Prophecies, deliverance, healing, rededication, revelations... the list just goes on. Not a single person was not touched by His awesome presence.

From the first night, I heard a wind howling amidst our worship. The second night, chains were cracking and breaking under His power. The final night, there was sound of the pitter patter of rain in the hall. There was an evident presence of God so strong that I could just sit there and feel the warmth of God start to burn in my gut without anyone laying hands on me.

I remember sitting on the floor sobbing my guts out, telling God just how much I loved Him and just how much I feel so small in His plan and I wondered how I'd ever fit in. The vision I saw next was His hands, both His hands were outstretched to me, He was clothed in white and He beckoned to me to come, COME, COME! I raced to Him, or rather, I was drawn to Him in an instant and I felt His love consume my very being. As I remember clearly, all He wanted me to do for Him was to experience His love at that moment, to be filled to the brim and overflowing with His pure, sweet and gentle love. I cried not just because of how small I felt, but out of sheer appreciation of just how deep and wide His love was for me. I cried in awe of His love, His exclusive love for me! And amidst that powerful touch of love, He gently impressed upon my heart,

"Without being filled with My love, nothing can be done."

True indeed. The world doesn't need another bunch of holy-molies telling people how wrong they are, or how much they've sinned. We need a band of people, a motley crew, that will go around telling and singing of the love of God. We need to present the world with a correct standard of who is God and what God is doing in our present times.

Love really is the answer to the world's issues. Receiving the love of God and His forgiveness opens possibilities like never before. We, the Church of God, have to rise to that level of understanding and receive His grace in order to be agents of grace in return among the "living dead" of our modern day society.

If you aren't capable of receiving love, how do you give love in return?

And so I will allow my God to whisper His love songs to me every night before I sleep, I will sing in return my love to Him as much as I can in my daily circumstances. That as I abide in His love, I will learn to lean against the heart of Jesus and know what is in His heart deeper and deeper each day.

And oh, how He loves us so

Oh, how He loves us

How He loves us so

Is July 9th the New Independence Day?

Is July 9th the New Independence Day?

Funny, isn't it? The scenario and ruckuss that has quite alarmingly unfolded before us this past few days seem to ring of a familiar tone. The days when colonists tried to clamp down the patriots who tried to fight for a country dear to them. Imposing laws, catching the voices of dissents, people denied their rights, laws used to the benefits of the governing powers holding the reigns of the country in those present times...

It would have indeed been a moving scene if we were Malaysians once again taking on our colonists and demanding our freedom.

Instead its a chaotic hour for our countrymen where we see two tides meeting.. one decidingly blue and one a bright yellow. Instead I witness insults flung left and right, accusations made audaciously without human wisdom. All sorts of conspiracy theories, witch hunts, lists of would be threats to the country's security magicked up...

At best, it's short of being called a civil war. Looking at the stormy seas in twitter where harsh words are being flung at leaders, calling on leaders to be responsible and "man enough" to face the issues at hand. Not only that, I came across by accident someone who was obviously Malay who sent racist tweets to various people of other races telling to return "to their homeland" and that the Chinese and Indians should remember "to be grateful".

Did we not escape the clutches of colonialism to reach this stage? Did our forefathers not fight to see a new nation born to determine its destiny? Or would you rather resort and return to hushing voices that demand a change only because it seems to threaten your political stand? Why is a nation that wanted its Rakyat to be well educated, opinionated and rational now reduced to crass, dictatorial and illogical happenings in the very same capital where our Prime Minister made the first loud shouts of "Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!"

Truly, real intentions will be revealed when put to the test. I welcome fairer and MORE fairer elections every year. Is this not something the SPR should work on? It does owe the nation that bit of responsibility since being a body monitoring the election process. Would it not be looked upon as quality control?

When blue and yellow collide, are we the rakyat focusing on which team will win? Please, it's not a football match. I am quite bold to say at these last few weeks, days and hours, perhaps many have joined to be "clean" due to the hype of the event and just recent awakening to the "horrors" of the state of matters in our nation.

To be fair, before missiles of any form and size come hurling through airspace at me.... I truly respect and honour any person/party/organization/group that claims to champion the rights of Malaysians. If you have just awakened to the fact that you are Malaysian, there is hope for us still in years to come.

What is more dangerous to the growth of this beloved nation is apathy - in our words the tidak apa attitude. That is a poison that is subtle and gently runs deep. Ignorance helps breed apathy and so does bitterness and anger. You just couldn't be bothered anymore because what would it matter at the end of the day?

Call me an idealist but to truly see reform, it takes everyone.

It's not just the shirts of yellow that are ready to storm a stadium. It's not just the blues that are out to enforce law and order by any means possible.

It's about you and me.

When you are working at your office and you see someone of a different race pass you by, do you feel that "they should go back to where they belong"?

When you were recently robbed by an Indian in the dark of night, do you instantly label ALL Indians as thieves and sneaks?

When you see the recent happenings, is there a part of you that reacts against the Malays just because they are the majority race in the nation?

If there is, we have a lot of work to do. I too am working on myself in this area. Nobody's perfect, but if we keep on focusing on our differences and choose to reject them in another human being, a fellow countryman, what difference will it ever make?

Before you can remove the splinter in your brother's eye, remove the plank that is in yours, says Jesus. Notice that a plank and a splinter are made from wood, the same material, therefore when I see a brother fall in an area, most likely I have that weakness hence being able to identify with it in the first place.

A quote from a video about Malaysia that I love says,

because even though our clothes are the most colourful in the world
our children are colour blind
because if we try
we could be our best when times are at their worst

I wish for peace and calm to pervade our nation.

I pray for sound minds for July 9th.

I hope for a wave of change that will be for the better of Malaysia.

I believe that with God, the history of our nation will be shaped differently.

I want my future children to read about us in this time of history and be proud of us.

Saya Anak Malaysia.

Bless my homeland forever.

Thewombat wrote on my multiply site in 2005 these words:

"I, too believe that there is a place for us all in this land. And I love how you can still be optimistic in the midst of all the depressing events that take place around us.

Let's encourage one another on this long walk to the sea."

I want to ask her again, shall we take this long walk to the sea believing that there is a place for us all in this land we call Malaysia :)

Of Plumfield, Tommy Bangs and White Roses

Certainly it will be a jolly old idea if I could be able to own a place like Plumfield. I quite like the idea of having a big expanse of land with boys of shape and size roaming and frolicking without a care on its grounds. Mayhaps one day I would have that opportunity to lend my heart in such a matronly fashion to younger and tender gardens so that I might one day raise a crop that would do anyone proud. I would like to be Mrs. Jo and be tender and yet firm, to have the joy of seeing her lot grow up and make a world of their own with honour, honesty and courage.

Yes, a Plumfield would suit me indeed. But of course, I would need a Mr. Bhaer to go along with it. For at times, even a boyish heart needs the warm security of a stronger presence to soothe the wounds acquired in the process of mothering. I detest sewing, would rather go out for larks with my boys and laugh loud; but nothing would beat feeling a bigger, warmer and definitely stronger presence of Mr. Bhaer.

Oh, to hear the pitter patter of small feet approaching my door right now! To hear someone declare at the top of his pitiful voice to "muther... I'm tummin to tee you!" I would long to have a Rob and Teddy to fill my life with their sunshine into their Marmar's life.

Perhaps I wax lyrical as I read Little Women, Little Men and Jo's Boys for the past few days. But reading does so awaken some hidden dreams and fantasies one harbours at times. I am pretty sure either Jo, Meg, Amy or even sweet Beth would understand that. If not, I am pretty sure Teddy himself would have given me a fair hug in agreement and encouragement.

I am thankful that I am learning to work on this garden of my life. I shall hoe at it, weed it and water it when necessary to produce a crop that will be worthy of its labour. I am also blessed to have other gardens to sow into while the little farmers grow them with such fervour and abandon that I am quite sure they will all turn out well. I am proud of my farmers out there. They are really such a bunch of Tommy Bangs, Demis and Daisies, Nats and Dans, Teddies and Robs, Stuffies and Jacks! As they test their wings and fly out into the world I can only smile and say what my Dr. Bhaer would say,

"Gott bless them! Gott bless them indeed!"

Defying Gravity

Defying Gravity

It's time to try, defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity

and you won't being me down

Alot of circumstaces threaten to take away the faith that my God has planted within me.

But as I hold fast to Him, and His promises for me; I know I will make it.

My God is mighty, for He is mighty to save.

He rose and has already conquered the grave.

There's nothing my God cannot do.

Let's walk on water together, God :)

Why?

It boggles my mind while it hits my heart just how deep this love can go. Every time I reach that point again, you hold out a hand and invite me to walk through that doorway into another realm, a higher one each time, a deeper one each moment. Every time I think I've almost got it figured out, you just love to surprise me with the things that would touch my heart the most.

You noticed I had a tooth ache and sent someone to pray for me :)

You knew I was waiting for an important email and after praying the email came the next day :)

You understand and know just how lonesome at times it can be in my daily circumstances and comfort comes when I least expect it :)

You know just how much I love music and you send accompaniment just to delight me :)

When people accused me, you backed me up like no other :)

I could go on and on. I realise the power in giving thanks. The power in counting the existing blessings. The power behind looking more to who you are instead of what I am not. There is power in just surrendering to you every time and there is a growing assurance that your timing will always be right though moments of struggle tempt me into seasons of doubt or confusion.

But your love never fails.

Because you initiated that blood covenant and sealed my redemption with your own death. You bought me back when everyone else would have discarded me. You brought me into the light and plunged into the darkness to be my replacement.

Since you were the one who paid for everything, cut the covenant and sealed it to be permanent; no one, no nothing, can ever break it.

It's unbreakable. Totally indestructible.

No amount of sins could make the covenant wilter.

No amount of good deeds could make me better than the covenant because your death was the epitome of sacrifice.

No amount of striving would make me more saved by the covenant, I could never do enough to deserve it.

No amount of grief would compensate because the idea of the covenant was in place before the foundations of the earth was set.

No nothing. Nothing at all.

And yet in all that has been shown on the Cross, the question is still why.

Why would you do that for someone like me?

You loved me so much that you took on those rags of sin, became what a holy God hated the most - sin, and died for what you hated the most. You took on all the garbage of mankind's filth and died a horrible and unjust death. And some still ask why and debate over the motives and conspiracies and theories of the death of Jesus Christ.

Is it that hard to accept a simple yet profound truth that He loves all of us with that kind of love?

Oh wretched humans whose technology and wisdom have immunized us against the simple heartbeat of a love so divine! We will never find a satisfying kind of love from the latest iPad 2 or Facebook, let alone satisfy that deep yearning with exquisite food or extravagant entertainment. But delving into all this has made us wary and doubtful whether such a simple yet profound love ever existed.

Who would ever want to die for a doomed people? Who would willingly give up their life without asking for anything in return? Even suicide bombers do it to earn some fame in heaven.

So what makes Jesus so different?

He was born into this world to die.

He allowed Himself to be killed and died.

He came back to tell us WHY he died and how that has set us free.

The whole world's sins had been purchased on Calvary more than 2000 years ago. Even if you don't believe in Jesus, He believes in you. Before the foundations of the earth was set in place you were already on His mind. He knew of your struggles. He knew of your shortcomings. But He also knew what a wonderful person you are to Him. His love was so deep for each and everyone of us, that He knew there was a penalty incurred by human sin, He decided to die to remove that penalty upon our lives.

After all, the Creator was just doing what He did best, He was loving and taking care of His creation. No potter would bear to see his handmade, prized pottery be dashed to pieces and not feel sorrowful or pain.

The Cross is set before us, but it's not a Cross of judgement, it is a cross of freedom and glory. As we survey the cross, we might stop short and admire the death of Jesus [wow, he did that for me?] and just stay there. That is the first step, to realise just how deep the love of God is. But the next step is to step beyond the cross and go into a realm of new possibility - a relationship with a loving Father who is waiting for His children to enter His kingdom of Love.

Beyond the Cross is where we belong. We don't need to crucify ourselves again and again because He has already been crucified. He died so that we could be set free. We don't need to do anymore to impress Him to love us more - He loves us already. We don't need to be sorrowful and feel we're not good enough - His love sees beyond our capabilities or inabilities.

So what are you waiting for? It's an invitation to a love feast :) He's been waiting to embrace you for so long!

Musings since last Thursday

It's been whirlwind of activity since last Thursday and it's almost been a week since I've witnessed supernatural happenings around me.

The joy is indescribable because many things that I have been believing and confessing by faith have come to pass. I always knew the significance of blessing a person but never have I seen a live "demo" of a person reacting to the frequency of blessings placed upon them.

I can't help but smile and wonder,

God, what did we ever do to deserve this? Your grace and love poured out to us is just awesome!

For the past 6 days, I have had questions and I've seen them been quieted down one by one. Those who are around me most of the time know there's just one burning desire within me and God knows just how much I want it to happen.

Faith is such an interesting element. Faith can bring creative miracles in healings, deliverance, the utterance of prophecies and warnings... so many things. Faith moves us to pray, it sends us straight into the cloud of glory to see Jesus face to face...

wow, faith indeed.

And I know one day my deepest desire will be answered..

by faith :)

There is no moment where I would doubt the existence of my God. The way He has come to visit us for the past few days, the way He's manifested His presence to us in such a tangible way, there is no doubt that He is real.

I know He is real because I felt Him today :) I know what makes me respond and go up already :) and I know it's real because it's really the way He made me. I can only run to Him the way He's called me to run to Him.

let my life be that song for You, my Lord.

I've brought back things. Now I need to press in and find out what they mean.
I've been dreaming dreams lately. Let's go dreaming again tonight :D

A definition of trust worth defining again

What does trust mean to you? Trust can be defined as a reliance on the integrity, ability and reliability of a person or an institution. However, a dictionary definition could perhaps not be taken so seriously for this round. Trust, is so subjective because situations differ.

Most of the time, people use the word "trust" and ask the same question,

"Should I trust again?"

The more pertinent question or rather the more important question would be WHY do we trust?

We trust because we derive love from a relationship built from the trust that we have dispensed whether to family, friends or even our bosses at work. Hence, when that trust is violated, thrown away or damaged...

It would be a fair assumption to say at one point or another we've all lost our trust in someone or something. It would yet be another fair assumption to say that once trust has been betrayed, it's something that has drastic effects in the negative sense where disappointment, anger, denial and confusion may set in.

When I think of trust issues, I recall my 2008. I recall now with some amusement that in Dec 2008 and Dec 2010 my trust was tested. I remember just how hurt I felt in the year 2008 where I felt rejected, betrayed and judged based on something that was beyond my control.

Dec 16th, 2008:
"I would rather be emo now. I would rather be confused and angry now. I would rather be all of this and be called immature than to actually talk about it because it somehow makes the wound even deeper and pushes reconciliation and reason even further out of the window.

I would rather leave. I would rather be forever branded as the person "who didn't understand". I would rather run away, leave things as they are and never look back. I would rather be all of that than to live a lie. I would rather be called with names and given labels than to open my mouth and give an excuse that I know my heart doesn't believe in."

Somehow, I understand the depth of that pain. The moments where it would feel much, much better to just walk away rather than get into the muddy stickiness of facing the ugly matters of truth. It's just not worth it when you even begin to think about it, because the heart aches and it feels already stretched beyond its limit. Burning bridges is easier than trying to fix the bridges that are torn and tattered with disappointment and pain.

However... you know what? Two years from 2008, I give thanks that I can use the word however.

The months that went into two years of rediscovering the true definition of trust have really taught me and retaught me that trust is something that is reciprocal. In these two years I realised trust has and will always be risky.

It's either you take the risk to trust, or you just plain don't.
A choice we all face ultimately.

Let me justify and say for myself personally that I am fully sympathetic to anyone who has felt cheated, abandoned and mistreated because they placed their trust and they saw that 100% trust abused. Who wouldn't?

Again, the challenge comes when amends are being made and we struggle to answer the question,

Should we trust again?

I can only offer to answer that question with another question..

Why do we trust then?

If your reason of trusting is to receive love and care, if your reason to trust is to derive security, if your reason to trust is to find a place where you will have no reason to doubt...

Then don't trust.

Because trust does everything to risk it all. Real trust has to involve doubt and risk. It puts all that you believe in onto the scale to risk balancing the equation. Trust can only exist with faith which also plays with doubt. To pursue 100% trust in anyone besides God is a total myth and that is why for relationships, faith also plays a part.

But the one thing that fuels faith is love. Because of love, it gives me strength again to apply my trust. Because of love it opens my heart again to believe that things can get better. Only through love I understand why I can trust and by answering the why I in turn answer the question of should I trust again.

The more I told myself to stop trusting, the more I felt empty. Though I found other people to fulfill the places of those I had set aside... the question wasn't to find new trust.. the issue was to ask why I trusted in the first place.

And somehow as 2009 and 2010 rolled in, bit by bit... why I trust began to dawn upon me. It was because loving and being loved answered that question. Was it something that just magically transformed me, I'm sorry to tell you it is a no.

It was a long process. But I will admit that it was only long because I decided to dwell on the pain and kept telling myself I will never trust again. Had I decided to deal with the actual issue, perhaps I would have come out of the dark clouds much faster. But it has indeed been a learning process.

What I'm trying to say clearer is in the process from 2008 to 2010, I learnt to trust despite the nagging doubts in my heart messing with me non-stop. That though I was afraid I took the leap, most of the times I took the leap even though my emotions were screaming at me a resounding NO.

I understand you need time. This is my way of telling you just as during those two years those who hurt me never gave up loving me and believing in me; I will say the same that as a family, no one abandons anyone. That no matter what happens, there will always be a place for you when you return. That the love that you've experienced in the past will never and has never changed.

The hurt is great, but love can be greater than that hurt. That no matter what, we'll always be there. Family is family. That is possibly the reason why it hurt so much for me last time, because I cared that much. And the only way to undo it is to look to God for love. I walked out of the shadow of bitterness, not because I am stronger than the average human being. It is really just because He is strong enough.

There is no relationship that has zero disappointments and hurts. Glass becomes stronger when tempered with repeated knocks, but the hard knocks are administered in such a way not to crack the glass though we feel it might. The hard knocks make the glass become stronger.

I have learnt to see that the circumstances that happened to me have served to make my friendships even stronger and more valuable. Because now I know who are those who really have gone through thick and thin with me; I have come to treasure those who have never left and never given up on me; I have arrived to the conclusion that real friendship endures hardship.

Real love hopes all, believes all. It never tires. If I claim I love, I have to take that risk and trust everyday. Thank God that Jesus is there to help us in learning what it means to take that risk, the same risk that He took on the Cross at the expense of His own death.

And I am taking that risk of risking the friendship I have with you to say this to you... to come back. Home is where the heart is. Lets pick up the pieces and learn to walk again.

生活是如此的美丽

从今天起，我会鼓起勇气面对一个新的生活方式。
我不会再靠着依赖和理想式的盼望来生活，我已经活够了如此的日子。
但是我还需感谢你，因为你在我生活里的存在使我了解自己需要一个怎样的将来，也同时让我了解感情的轻重。

也许我偶尔会想念一些我曾经以为是属于我的情景。
我仍然觉得那一些片面没有消失，只是看待它们的方法已经改变了。
我不可以再幼稚下去，也不能够意味着根本不可能实现的梦幻世界。
毕竟我们是成年人。

我会学会坚强，会学会为自己而活。
我一定会祝福，也一定会感恩。
毕竟，我真的有快乐过，而且也在这一段时期成长了。
嗯，感谢你。
再见了。
我将会与新的生活方式交友。
我会将以往的事情当作参考来使我的将来能够活得更加多姿多彩。

我要迈向我的未来，我不想再为不能改变的事实而停步。
让我们一起迈向上帝为我们各自安排好的美好将来！
谢谢你，因为你，生活变得美丽。
请你继续另您的四周如此的动人美丽。

The End Times

A blink of an eye and 2011 is almost seeing the closing of it's first quarter of the year. Wow, where did all those minutes and hours go?

In a space of less than three months - civil wars, tsunamis and earthquakes.
Sometimes, it makes you wonder just how fragile life can be, just how the unexpected can take us by surprise and leave us as humans with all our fine technology feeling desperate and minute.

I may not be a citizen of Japan, but I believe hearts all over the world have been moved by the devastation and desolation that have struck this nation. Under normal circumstances, disaster struck areas see looting and people running amok, but Japan surprisingly has not fallen to this state.

Instead I see the young and the old, the ones in power and the ones governed; all working together to make life more bearable for each other. Despite the obvious lack of food and water, citizens are giving way to each other and lending a helping hand to one another.

Is the world ending? This question has been asked throughout the ages, but never has it been more significant than these times. Will the world end? How will it end? Will we all perish.

Eternity has been planted into our hearts for the longest time. If at this moment, there is that sense of longing, desperation and that sudden violent questioning to what is the purpose of life.... let me tell you it is not an accidental emotion. You aren't being influenced by anything.

Deep cries out to deep. God has placed a piece of eternity in our hearts and that part calls out even louder of late for us because we realise that the earth is spinning out of control, and if life was all about what was going on around us, life really does feel futile.

But there is Jesus and He alone stands the test of time. He was the payment for what we couldn't do and because He died and rose again, we can cheer and rejoice because the cheque has been cleared and payment has been made for the world's sins.

God loves you. His kingdom has come to embrace you and accept you.
Will you make that choice today?

Is He Not Strong Enough?

WWJD - What Would Jesus Do

That was the theme of last year's drama at GRC.

Having written the script, let me state my intentions more clearer - we were meant to live a WWJD life.

It doesn't matter if you were Henry Maxwell, the big town Pastor;

or if you were Jasper Chase, the famous writer and lover;

it's not about whether you're the owner of a prominent newspaper like Edward Norman;

or a secretary, prostitute, talented singer, church member, passerby, servant, grandmother, daughter, etc.

At the end of the day, when we call ourselves Christian, then we are followers of Christ. Wefollow what Christ would do. It doesn't get anymore complicated. And who did Christ follow? He followed His father in heaven. He said before in the Bible that the Son would only do what He saw the Father do.

In other words, even Jesus didn't have His own agenda.

In a way, you could put it simply that it wasn't about Jesus.

Oh my, you may gasp! What do you mean it's not about Jesus?!!!

Well, Jesus didn't do anything except to pursue the Father's will, correct? So in essence, it wasn't about Jesus, He didn't do it because of His importance or self preservation, Jesus did theFather's will. It was essentially not about Jesus then.

So in a nutshell, if Jesus didn't do it for Himself, who are we to do things for our own wills, purposes and gains? Do we even have that right since Jesus bought our lives back from death through His very own death?

We don't.

WWJD? He would do the will of the Father. So we do the will of the King of Kings, Lord of Lords too, just like Jesus.

Take note that in whatever decision you make, or thing you say, remember that its a WWJD moment. Especially when things are going rough for some of you - confusion, disappointment, anger - can cloud judgement and reason.

Some things are going real crazy right now, but as long as you are placing yourself in the center of God's will and doing the will of the Father while you are on this planet earth (which by the way, is spinning outta control as well), you're safe from harm. Trivial things should not deter you from focusing on His will on earth, don't ever forget that. Make a decision, say a word, do an action, believe in a principle, that you know is focusing on the will of your Father in heaven.

On a more personal note, I'm probably as heart sick as some of you who left or are stuck at one place. I know that feeling of not being able to do anything about it, leaving seems like a coward's move at times and staying doesn't make it any nobler. It's not the action that matters actually, its all about your heart in the situation. If you "have the peace" in leaving/staying, it doesn't matter what happens around you. Don't get affected by it. Make a choice that you know is based on intentions that are not selfish or spiteful.

For the remnant, remember, staying isn't a punishment. There is always a reason for everything. Remember to pray to God and ask Him for comfort and peace in your hearts. It is again aWWJD situation. WWJDs isn't always about making a choice and moving forward, sometimes, it's about staying put and doing the will of God in that particular situation. Other situations might even require you to let go, because of you dont' let go, you can't let God.

As it gets darker, shouldn't we as Christians shine His light and glory into the darkness? That's when you will begin to see His power and glory. Don't you want to see that anymore? Or are you satisfied by "trying to be good" in school and just "getting by". If that's your version of Christianity, I think you need to read a different Bible. The Christian faith transforms, it doesn't conform.

Wherever you go, whatever your choice...

Make God smile. Make Him proud of you :)

come and find me

原来到最后，我并没有那么的坚强。

原来一直以来，我并没有克服应该克服的东西。

一个小小的消息足以让我感觉如此的伤心，如此的无奈。

为什么老是这样子的呢？

为什么生活总是不让我拥有一些基本的需求？

难道一个如此渺小和理所当然的需求也算是一个太奢侈的东西吗？

我不明白，我尝试了许久，我仍然不明白。

我也开始有一点不想去明白了。

我真的有一点累了。

我已经很努力的去闯一个属于我应该享有的天下。

我学习放开心情，尝试换个角度来观看周围，也告诉了自己你是我的力量。

也许我是太怀念我的小孩子。

在他们当中的欢笑里，我才找到我自己。

每当想起学校里的一点一滴，我不禁会自己微笑。

我是不是太爱他们了？我真的好想念他们哦！

看着他们逐渐的站起来，勇敢的面对挑战，

我有一点骄傲因为他们的坚强我也曾有参与去建造。

我也突然了解了一点，我这一位老师也该放手了。

他们不再需要我的唠叨，不再需要我去担心了。

他们不需要我了。

我也该醒醒吧。

是时候为自己的前途，未来的两三年打拼一番了。

但当我观看周围，我的无奈，孤独，失望和烦闷也一一呈现在眼前。

上帝，我可以不去看吗？

我可以不要在过这些假扮坚强的画面吗？

有时候，话中坚强不是说给别人听，而是一个自我安慰的方式。

天天好天，戏如人生，人生如戏。

不管是热天还是下雨天，天天都是好天。

这是你给我的承诺。

我也只能等待你实现你的诺言。

但是你可以快一些吗？我的心疼得很 :'(

do you know why i miss them so?

i miss them alot.

have i told you just how much i miss them?

their smiles. their laughs.

their cute little ways of pretending to do work.

the way they greet me.

the annoying yet endearing way of teasing me.

i miss them alot.

because they've left alot of footprints on my heart.

the sharpies for my birthday.

making gigantic cards to thank me.

baking a brownie cake for me.

how a pat on the shoulder would come when I'm down.

getting a glass of water when I have my migraine attacks.

helping me to do the dreaded filing.

leaving an apple on my table for me.

i miss them so much.

they really mean so much to me.

because at times, just looking at them achieve in life makes me stronger.

seeing them overcome obstacles reminds me to stay focused for their sake.

knowing that they are more than just kids tells me I still have job to do.

remembering how they were once blur-case kids who are now responsible teens inspires me.

believing that they can do it tells me that that is all that matters sometimes.

my dear kiddies,

i'm so proud of all of you. you are doing so great. i miss you very much. nowadays, eventhough i'm no longer part of your life directly, you still greet me online or when i'm at school picking up students for tuition.

i miss being able to go for chapel together. i miss showing videos and sharing during devotion. i miss bargaining for rounds for P.E. i miss directing the drama and dances. i miss leading worship during chapel. i miss lining up for lunch and complaining about the food. i miss lecturing Room 1 about not wasting the hand soap. i miss SO MANY THINGS!!!

but most of all.

I just miss each and every one of you.

I will forever miss you. I am moving on, but the footprints that you have left in my heart remain.

i love you all.

hey soul sister

Watching Cinderella Story in the middle of the night, HMMmmmmHHMMMHHM....

I think it's been ages since I wrote to you in particular. Idealistic as it sounds and you probably know me well enough; in actual fact, I do believe in happy endings. Not the kind where you live happily ever after, but rather the kind that works out in the end because you've been faithful, because you've been persistent, because you've never given up, and of course because you've given your whole heart into it for 100%

that's my form of idealism.

I will accept you for who you are and what you've set out to become :) sometimes it gets kind of bittersweet to see you move on with life and enjoy your time with a circle out there that I have no access or right to question. at times, it's on the tip of my tongue and I feel like coming clean and saying what I've been wanting to say for so long...

but I stop short there.

if i can't have the part I want, I'm not ready to lose whatever that I currently have either. i'm not ready to be selfish and prod out things that might make us lose our friendship with each other.

so why does my heart feel the occasional ache?

i promise, I'll grow out of it. I promise that i won't hold you back and I'll hear you out provided that there is two way communication. i promise to always be there because that's what our friendship demands of me.

we're on the same road, but clearly our eventual path will lead to parting ways. and when we do, I will tell you what I've been storing within me. somehow, talking about it now, makes it awkward and that isn't what I want to accomplish.

one day :) don't worry, it's a promise that I made to myself as well.