Sunday, 20 June 2010

Father's Day

It's been 18 years since I last saw you.

My last memory was me crying and crying and trying to hide myself from you because I was scared of you.
I hardly knew who you were, and I could only remember what the adults have been telling me.

That you were irresponsible.
That you took your temper out on me because you fought with mom.
That you left us.

I remember screaming my lungs out and telling my uncle to "...ask him to go away! I don't want to see him!"

Throughout the years, I grew up not needing to have you in my life. My first bicycle rides, my first day at school, report card days, learning to drive, finally graduating and getting my degree...

i never needed you or thought of having you there.

But 3 year ago, when I decided to give you a call. I found the other side of my family tree. It's not that you actually knew I was found at last, your sister found me. When I met up with her, it was anything but pleasant. I heard things that I didn't need to hear and in the end I got frustrated because it was not a way to connect with you at all.

I changed my number along the way and I never bothered to inform your sister about it. I couldn't bear to deal with another round of emotional onslaught and getting hurt.

It's been 3 years since I tried to reconnect with you. I've let go some of the hurt and fear about meeting up with you. I also realise as I look at the digital photo of you - the only thing your sister could provide - that you are old. I can hardly recognise you at all from the picture. But whatever that has happened in the past, I'm willing to let it go already and just reconnect.

It's Father's Day today, and every year I wonder if you feel lonely that there is no one to celebrate it with you. I wonder if it would make any difference that I call and reconnect now.

But I've decided to do this. I've never given you a Father's Day gift before that I can remember. I can be honest to say that I don't even know if it will work, but I'm surrendering this matter to above and if God-willing, then perhaps we will meet.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Obsessed with Excellence

I'm obsessed with being better. i'm a writer and i spend just hours to write one blog post. i'm so "OCD" [read: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder] to the point that I think about 15 minutes before I post a Facebook status or put up pictures to my photo album. One single spelling mistake I get irked.

If I'm leading worship, I make sure I've tried at least three different ways of starting the song or styles that I can present the song during chapel or cell group.

I'm obsessed with making sure the guitar is properly tuned and if I miss a chord while practising I automatically stop and start all over again.

For me, if I don't get better, I'm either regressing or I'm stagnant. There is absolutely no middle ground in staying put and being truly satisfied. We weren't made by God to "stay where we are". Take a look at the Bible, Adam wanted to be better [though he took the wrong way]. Moses led the Israelites to a Promised Land that they had never seen [but since it was Promised, surely it was better?]. Abraham was called to a land of Promise as well that he had never seen [again, it's better according to God, so why stop?]

I think that nature within us has never died. And I find no reason why we should stop it because surely it is God given. This insistence on excellence, getting "the best" and wanting "the best" has been a part of our culture and a world recognised nature displayed time and again by every single breathing moment of a human being.

Let's be honest. If your kids aren't getting the best education, or enough attention from the teacher, you either make an appointment to see the teacher or principal; if that doesn't work, you change your child to a school where his needs are met for the "better".

Your food comes and the steak's too well done, you turn to your girlfriend and mutter, "This place isn't so good after all, XXX store in YYY area of town... that's where I heard it has the BEST steaks!"

A "better" iphone is in town!

In the past graduating from high school was enough. Then we needed to have diplomas, followed by degrees and now masters need to be done to have "better standing" in the job market. I already have a few friends who are on the way to pocket a few PHDs! Again, to be able to compete with the competition out there to get a "better" job.

I could go on and on about the demands we ask of the people, environment and circumstances that are around us. My question is:

Is it wrong in the Church to push for excellence?

So often there is a break in thought over this topic. The very fact that when I tell a Christian that I am obsessed with excellence I am greeted mostly with curious stares or a wary frown,

"Demanding the best from everything, isn't that a bit worldy? We please God, not ourselves and certainly not man! You're emphasising too much on works!"

True, there is a danger of over obsessing over being better until we forget to celebrate current achievements and give recognition to an individual's uniqueness and value. We might forget to celebrate who we are and the process thus far of becoming who we are now.

I quote this from the words of Senior Pastor Steven Furtick from Elevation Church who says,

"Your capacity as a leader, a spouse, a parent, or an employee might be adequate right now, but it will be inadequate momentarily. The needs of those around you will constantly demand you to produce at a higher level. For this reason, we must have a healthy obsession with improving everything we do every time we do it. Not for the sake of pride. But for the sake of those who need us to be at our best and continually improving on our best."

Note: Healthy obsession

Back to the initial question then, is it wrong in the Church to push for excellence?

When organising the various activities and people linked to the church [read: worship, ministries, outings, ushering, youth, cell groups, people, crises, leadership, discipleship, preaching...], are we consciously telling ourselves to push for excellence as much as we demand for "good service" outside in the restaurants or at retail stores?

why are we leading an unconscious double life in what we strive for in our life on earth?

if you are serving in a worship team, do you push each other to improve i.e. if your fellow team member hasn't been too dilligent in practising and you notice a drop in their performance or someone sings totally out of parts or tune, do you correct them? as a musician, do you practice out of your own initiative or only when it's your turn to serve that week that you frantically go on YouTube to view videos that might give you an idea of what you should play? have you tried breaking the mould of the song and improvising?

OK, more frankly... do you know what is improvisation?

Preachers, would you be satisfied with preaching the same message over and over again? As a preacher, if you preached a really good sermon today, would you make sure that when you preach a second time, it'll even be greater the second time? Are you making sure that whenever you deliver a message you aim to inspire, stir up, renew the minds of your congregation?

There are times when we overhype the grace of God until we find ourselves stuck in a pothole. We yearn to be like "some other church" where things are awesome, we hear of people being saved by the hundreds and we oooh and aaah over the worship and dream of being there one day [i'm using church growth and worship merely as the two among the other many things associated with a church].

Right, my mistake. There's no such thing as an overhype of the grace of God. Excuse my words, I meant when we USE the grace of God as an EXCUSE to explain our current situation.

When your food comes late, you don't pity the workers who are working double time during lunch hour, right? In your mind, you will unconsciously label this place as having "poor service" or "slow service". If TmNet doesn't fix your internet line within 24 hours you're already contemplating whether p1 WiMax is "better" or "not".

It's all linked to how things are managed. It's all linked to whether the service providers are making an effort to upkeep their services and do they constantly look for better and faster methods to deal with customers.

So could it be that sometimes as musicians we don't practice enough? Could it be that sometimes, we are so unprepared and shoddy with our outreaches that we can't seem to attract anyone to church? Has the church made an effort to be relevant enough to reach the community?

A responsible person will own up for his/her mistakes and change for the "better". An irresponsible person will find an excuse.

Christians, we have got to stop making excuses when we fail in our worship, activities and personal walk with God. I have to say this to myself. I have to stop giving excuses like "It's not our efforts, it's by the grace of God that people are saved."

It IS by the grace of God people are saved. No doubt about it!

But what if you are a musician or preacher and you don't practice your art/profession to the best? Does the grace of God flow? It might, so that you don't make an embarassment out of yourself in your testimony perhaps.

I'm not talking about focusing on works and forgetting grace either, I hope you understand this.

People who don't know God, know as much as you to judge whether things have been "given its best" or not. I'm not talking about Simon Cowells who nit-pick and snigger. But a stale piece of bread, is a stale piece of bread. You can't hide it and once you bite into it, you know the Cafe dealt you a con job and you either storm off never to return or you start telling others not to go to the Cafe anymore because it ain't worth it.

I think it is better to be obsessed with excellence than to one day hear someone say,

"Church? It ain't worth it."

Sunday, 13 June 2010

amnesia

stage two of burning the bridge that I am on is starting.

somehow, perhaps what happened in 2008 was meant to happen, a rude awakening to jolt me into a reality that I had been eluding or didn't realise I was living in.

number One:
i'm officially burning you out of my life.
don't worry, you don't need to tell me, its my fault.
i don't need to hear your grand theories on commitment, faith and fellowship.
ask yourself this, that during those moments i let you dish out your crap about life and you were in that state of emotional wreckage...

... were you prepared to be a friend in return to let me dish out my crap? my emotional wreckages?

where were you when i needed you?

number Two:
i worship a real Jesus, not a plastic one.
if life isn't going well, i won't pretend that it is.
i refuse to be a hypocrite and live in a Christian lala-land that denies the realities of life.
there is a difference between faith and denial.

number Three:
i definitely resented being called melancholic.
i thought you would at least ask me what was wrong or hear me out.
telling me that you were just dropping a note of concern but stopping short at asking me, that sucks.
and yes, you expect an adult to come and tell you their problems right?
i have, in my own way.

i'm sorry. this is all becoming a little too much for me.
no matter what i say, it will eventually be retold/reexplained/reworded and it will still all be my fault.

you were always on the right side, isn't that the thing you've always been trying to tell me?

Sunday, 6 June 2010

cheese

原来,我是没有勇气来面对着一切。

来,让我重新扮演同样的角色。

灵感不会再那么轻易的浮现。
来,让我制造一个不同的心情。