A place where I'm brutally honest about everything

2012-01-04T01:01:00.003+08:00

Here We Go
The end of year 2011 came and went in a whirlwind of activity, excitement and joy. This is probably the year where I've eaten the most for Christmas, been blessed with the most small and loving gifts from people I least expected, and the year where I spent more time with new friends and family.

And yet, being the typical nostalgic and sentimental person that I am, I can't help but note how some old traditions or habits were no longer in play. No more going for our usual Sunday Christmas lunch and oooh and aaah over the food. No more sitting at the Christmas tree and opening presents.

Somehow, I never stopped missing those moments and yet somehow I've moved on. How is that possible even?

But 2011 is the year where new friendships were forged. I had to look at myself real hard on the inside sometimes and acknowledge that the old days were gone and I either had to continue to be miserable with it forever or move on.

I decided to move on.
But I never stopped caring.

I note that around me circumstances have taken a big 180 degrees turn about and I have caught myself many times comparing and thinking of those "what ifs" and "maybes" for the year 2011. I want to be resolute for 2012 and not look at temporal things but eternal things. The things that I can see won't last forever, but the things that are unseen - faith, hope, love - they endure forever.

I will continue to plod on in this journey of life, knowing that I have a band of brothers and sisters, such a growing family we are, that gives me strength when I least expect it, love when I least know I need it and hope when I least realise I'm losing it. I know that there is a family that I can depend on and yet wont allow me to be dependant on them until I become a cripple. I have a family who pushes me up and on.

So 2012, I'm about to take my first step in a few hours time in my work, relationships, ministry and ambition. I'm giving it all to You, for You know best.
And I just want to say thank You for giving me a family in Christ who loves me and allows me to love them!

2011-12-16T01:32:00.003+08:00

Dear Mr. Someone,

How have you been? It's been ages since I've written to you. Maybe because things have gotten so busy this whole year of 2011. How has your year been so far? I bet you were caught up with a whirlwind of things too, right?

This year, my heart has been tested. I catch myself wondering whether I've finally met you and whether you've finally met me. Nothing too romantic, but yes, I felt a fluttering once in a while. But I know it's going to take more than just a feeling to open up and allow another person in my heart.

Life has been so interesting in this area. I see myself react, think and feel in a totally different way in this area this year. Perhaps God is leading me into a whole new different perspective of living. To learn to pray for things that never seemed to matter to me before. And now, I pray for all those things because I realise that God wants them to matter to me. Wow, that's something new. We always thought we'd pray for God's will in things that interest Him but we never thought of ourselves being His focus as well.

I miss you lots. I know I'm writing a blog post here to someone that I have yet to meet but yet I want to prepare my heart. That there will be that defining moment where we both decide to take our friendship beyond a friendship. Where two individuals set aside their differences and purpose to share a common vision together as a couple and later on as a family unit to glorify God and be a blessing to those around them.

That day will come. Until then, I will stay true to you. My Mr. Someone :)

2011-11-28T01:57:00.001+08:00

Focus
It's the little things in life that count. Cliche as it may sound, it is so true.

What matters to me, what brightens my day, what makes the world seem more hopeful to me...
Isn't in the amount of money I earn.
Isn't in what car I drive or how many times I modify it to look cool and flashy.
Isn't about how many degrees I hold from distinguished universities.
Isn't about what house I stay in.
Isn't about what job I'm working in.
Isn't about which church I belong in.
Isn't about what kind of friends I need to have.
Isn't about the food I eat, the Starbucks I crave, or the mint choc chip I just bought.

Life isn't made more meaningful by all this.
All that is vanity. Vain longings that momentarily sate the true hunger and desires within.

Different things make my day and inspire me to continue hoping. Here's a few...

It's about feeling that small hand holding yours and hear the child's voice call you by name.
It's about seeing a smile erase a worried face.
It's about being able to pass on a blessing to some one who needs it but least expects it.
It's about having a genuine laugh over some really ugly pictures, and knowing that it doesn't matter anyway.
It's about sharing a common vision and goal in life.
It's about agreeing that it's ok not to be ok.
It's about watching your students grow up and move on victoriously in life.
It's about seeing your life's investment grow and multiply and propagate to the next generation.
It's about seeing God in a situation and finding peace.
It's about feeling helpless yet not losing that sense of gravity in His strength.
It's about seeing a rainbow when you feel your lowest, a special reminder that He will not let you drown.
It's about being able to be honest and know that you won't be judged.
It's about knowing that no matter what, we're double secure in God and Jesus' hands.
It's about being certain that your spiritual home is not your final destination and that there is always more.

Life becomes meaningful when we refocus and it becomes all about Father, Son and Spirit again. These are times when we are lured by the external and forget that without the internal realisation, ANYTHING becomes vanity. Even going to church and worshiping becomes vanity because we lose the focus we need.

Lord, I'm so sorry for focusing on the non-essential things instead of focusing on You. Teach me again, show me once more.

I want to fall deeper in love with You.
Amen.

No I ain't good enough, but He still loves me

2011-11-22T23:36:00.001+08:00

What a stormy, stormy November it has been.
At least it has been stormy for my heart.

I deem my life interesting because of the wrestling, struggling, painful and tense moments in my life.
How much more interesting could it get right.

The amount of success stories in mastering my temper and nerves, the even more amount of failures that stack up against the success to sometimes overshadow my efforts; that is, sometimes serves to discourage more than encourage.

And yet, my Bible tells me I was created for glory. That somehow in this infinitesimal world of ours, what I go through matters to a loving God? And sometimes, amidst all the muck and yuck, you begin to wonder...

... does He really love me?

I am tempted beyond all doubt that the world doesn't want to have anything to do to me. If not, I would not have struggled with feelings of inferiority, abandonment, disappointment and anger. I have lived in days where the lights were out, and I could just sit in the dark and mourn. Ashes were a more befitting attire than joy and fun with the rest of the world.

And yet, what mattered more was did my God love me despite all this?
Because if I can't answer that question, there really isn't any reason to continue and pretend it's ok.

This month, my heart was tested in areas that I had almost shut the door on. I never knew that a heart could be created to feel this way. Anxiety, anticipation, confusion and nervousness all rolled into one. Wow, I was sure a bundle of nerves! It made me pause and reflect on this new part of me that I had not discovered for the past 29 years. Moreover, this month, the things that used to be so appealing to me suddenly took on a grey shade of boring-ness.

I must be going mad, was the first notion in my mind.
I knew I wasn't going mad. I was going insane.

Life is indeed a journey that never ends, one singer crooned years ago. And I trudge along this road, watching each day unfold and I marvel at how we as humans cheat ourselves into thinking we have it all, when we actually don't. Each day serves to tell me just how much I failed as much as how much I achieve. My daily reflections remind me that I am only human and I am tiny, weak and like a vapour as the psalmist put it.

And the question comes back again to does God really, really want to stake a claim of love on someone like me? For real?

This is what he He tells me each and everyday...
yes. I do love you.
Loved you so much that I let my own Son die just to save you instead.

While I lie in my bed choking back those sobs, because pride wouldn't allow anyone to see or hear;
When I feel the threat of not being good enough engulf my very soul;
Those moments when tears are already dangerously near during the sermon and you force a swallow///

He knew He had to love me.
He says, "I will never sideline you. Never. This is my promise to you, dear child."
And though no human arms encircle me, I feel His love permeate my very being and my heart overflows.

This is our God.

Cycling with Daddy :)

2011-10-28T14:03:00.001+08:00

Cycling with Daddy :)

When you first start out cycling, you ride with training wheels. It stops you from falling, you enjoy the fun of cycling without any scrapes or falls. The training wheels keeps you protected and secure.

But one day, Daddy says it's time to take off those wheels and learn to cycle on your own. So he takes the wheels off and you watch with a mixture of excitement and doubt. Inside you're wondering,what if I fall, what if i can't do it.

Daddy turns to you and says, let's try this out now. You hesitate and you wonder if Daddy would let the training wheels be back on for just a little while more. He smiles and says,

"Don't worry, I'm here. Daddy's here, sweetheart."

So after much coaxing you warily board the bicycle and feel a sense of tension build up. There is a fear of the unknown but if Daddy is Daddy, he knows what he's doing. So you grip the handlebars tighter than before and gulp down the fear and say ok Daddy, I'm ready.

Daddy pushes the bicycle and tells you to pedal. Your bike feels steady and gains momentum as you glide and you pedal. Your fear begins to melt slightly because Daddy's hands are holding you and when the bike wobbles, he's quick to put it back straight when you call out for help.

Then the moment comes, Daddy says he's going to let go and tells you that no matter what keep pedalling. You look at him and feel like crying because once again you don't know if you can do it. Daddy smiles and says its ok honey, Daddy's here, try your best and remember to pedal hard. You can do it.

So you start pedalling harder and Daddy counts 1, 2, 3... and you're on your own. At first the momentum keeps you upright but since its your first time going solo on the bike, it gradually starts to lose speed and you begin to wobble. Your legs suddenly buckle and you panic. Crash! You're on the ground crying because you skinned your knee.

Daddy runs to pick you up and hugs you. He lets you cry your heart out and sob. When you quiet down, he raises your head and wipes the tears from your face and kisses that bruised spot on your knee. He tells you how brave you were to keep pedalling and that he's so proud of you.

But Daddy, I fell. I couldn't cycle well enough...

Daddy hugs you and tells you that the falling was part of learning. He asks you whether you knew why you fell. You tell him because you didn't pedal consistently and the handle bars were going crooked. Daddy asks if you know what to do better the next time and you say maybe. So Daddy says good and asks if you wanted to try again to get better at it.

After much thinking, you realise that as long as Daddy was going to be there, it didn't matter how many times you fell. Daddy was going to be there to help and make it all right.

So you get on the bicycle again and try. You fell again, but this time, you weren't that afraid of falling.In fact, you knew what you needed to avoid doing the next time. After a few rounds of falling and coaching from Daddy, you managed to cycle around the block without falling!

Daddy was so proud of his sweetheart :)

And from then on, you not only knew how to cycle; you also cycled TOGETHER with Daddy around the neighbourhood, and everyone knew just how good you were at cycling.

All thanks to Daddy

And I realise that being a child of God and learning to display the kingdom of God is the same. We receive salvation and begin our walk with feeling so secure, loved and protected. We take our baby steps of faith and learn about God. One day, we realise we're not just children who live on just milk, God begins to direct our paths and teach us to be grown up stewards of His kingdom.

Will we meet doubts? Yes.

Will we fear? Yes.

Will we fall and hurt ourselves? Yes.

But our God is first a God of love and He comforts, encourages and guides us patiently. He's like the father who holds the handlebars and reassures you when you cry out to him for help. He's the father who will pick you up and hold you when you fall and hurt yourself. He never leaves you in a pitiful state, but comes straight to the rescue when you call out to him.

God is also a God of hope. He never gives up on you and keeps reminding you to try again and get better at everything you set your heart on - jobs, ministry, relationship, finances, emotional issues... EVERYTHING! He doesn't despise you for your weaknesses, He leads you by His love, not condemnation.

And when you succeed, He tells you just how proud He is of you :)

Moreover, you get to partner with God as you allow Him access to more and more of your life.

So, have you gone cycling with Daddy lately?

2011-10-24T00:58:00.002+08:00

This week marks the fourth week of being in my new job. Wow, a month really passes by in a blink of an eye! Where did it go?

I have so many things to give thanks to God - people, opportunities, blessings - are among the many things that I've experienced so far.

It's been almost a month of adjusting to a fixed schedule. Long gone are the days where I can afford to stay up until 2 or 3 am on an almost daily basis. Now, almost like clockwork my internal battery gets snuffed out at midnight and I find myself nodding off quite automatically and I find myself dragging a tired out body to sleepydom until the next morning.

Thankfully I've gotten used to the whole sleep early and wake up early routine. The days are filled with reading up articles pertaining to my field of work, formulating classroom lessons, planning trips, talking, writing and etc. I embrace my everyday with enthusiasm because of the prospect and potential I can see that it will bring one day. Though we started out small, I am not deterred by the numbers. I am much more concerned with quality and achieving higher goals than just mere figures of earning.

On a personal side, God has just been totally awesome. I always wished I could feel or experience the "heartbeat" of God and these past few weeks, I've caught more than one glimpse of what it means to see Him as Love. He isn't just loving, but God is the definition of Love. Along the days of this month, through many circumstances and people, I have seen the Maker's fingerprints on each and every one of them.

People equate living a supernatural lifestyle as all the dramatic happenings - resurrection, deliverance, miracles, healings - but it can also be moments of being totally aware of His presence around you. It has been more than once whereby I can consciously feel Him lay His hands reassuringly on my shoulders. That weight on my shoulders, the sudden engulfing of warmth and light all around me all point to the fact that God is indeed very real.

God has been confirming things that I have kept secret in my heart. Sometimes, the littlemost questions that I have had for sometime were answered without me asking them. Some much needed confirmations have come my way as well. The key was to ask and keep on asking, to continue to strike out in faith eventhough He did not speak yet for certain matters.

Right now, God is unfolding yet another different season in my life. I really don't know what to make of it, but I am quite assured that whatever it is, He knows best. That He has my best interests in mind and He won't lead me astray. This new season is quite important to me and has always been something I barely entertain in my life, but truthfully I knew one day I would have to face it and here it is.

Therefore, I will continue to trust Him in all these things. Because I know my future is in His hands. And the hand that leads me is a reassuring one :)

Lord, I offer my life once again to You.

Lead, guide and walk with me Jesus :D

When I was your age

2011-09-24T02:11:00.004+08:00

When I was your age

When I was your age, decisions didn't come any easier than it is for you now

In fact, it was probably as messy, difficult and annoying.

New year resolutions helped to a certain extent

but resolve was what I really needed, not more resolutions to be unmet again

Am I making sense? When I was your age, trying to verbalise myself wasn't easy either.

You either worry whether you're sounding like a weirdo with your principles

or whether people accept you for who you are

and if they don't, you don't care but yet do care when you wished for some understanding

When I was your age, the world didn't really hold much promise.

I had already accumulated enough heartache to stop believing, or having much high hopes

People were starting to be boring, a matter of convenience

all I wanted was an island so I could just be alone.

At your age, social media, social networking became a mask for me to hide

when I was unhappy, my status would either reflect that truth with lots of exaggeration

or mask the truth

tears were shed, but my status was always a " :) "

But when I was your age, it all changed as well

I found that life can be messy and difficult but there's a solution.

I discovered a resolve that I never had before

A kind of resolve that seems to be able to brave any kind of weather in my life

At your age, I learnt to communicate and find courage in voicing out

I found out that it's ok not to be ok

Acceptance was the new rule and rejection was never an option

A fresh breath of freedom!

When I was your age, I realised that denying hope to my heart made it sicker

If I stopped believing in another tomorrow, there would be no today to live in

People began to take on value, as I learnt that I am valuable

I didn't want to be alone anymore

When I was your age, I learnt that the Internet doesn't need to be

a place to hide and assume another alter ego, a fake personality

I made it a point to keepin' it real, by paying it forward

I'm writing to you now, because you're the age I was once upon a time :)

Because when I was your age, Jesus found me and saved me.

And life, well...

Has never really been the same anymore.

2011-09-13T23:53:00.001+08:00

I have decided, I have resolved.

Up at Chefoo... which is the mandarin equivalent of "praying for blessings", I think all of us got a hearty dose of blessings upon blessings. Prophecies, deliverance, healing, rededication, revelations... the list just goes on. Not a single person was not touched by His awesome presence.

From the first night, I heard a wind howling amidst our worship. The second night, chains were cracking and breaking under His power. The final night, there was sound of the pitter patter of rain in the hall. There was an evident presence of God so strong that I could just sit there and feel the warmth of God start to burn in my gut without anyone laying hands on me.

I remember sitting on the floor sobbing my guts out, telling God just how much I loved Him and just how much I feel so small in His plan and I wondered how I'd ever fit in. The vision I saw next was His hands, both His hands were outstretched to me, He was clothed in white and He beckoned to me to come, COME, COME! I raced to Him, or rather, I was drawn to Him in an instant and I felt His love consume my very being. As I remember clearly, all He wanted me to do for Him was to experience His love at that moment, to be filled to the brim and overflowing with His pure, sweet and gentle love. I cried not just because of how small I felt, but out of sheer appreciation of just how deep and wide His love was for me. I cried in awe of His love, His exclusive love for me! And amidst that powerful touch of love, He gently impressed upon my heart,

"Without being filled with My love, nothing can be done."

True indeed. The world doesn't need another bunch of holy-molies telling people how wrong they are, or how much they've sinned. We need a band of people, a motley crew, that will go around telling and singing of the love of God. We need to present the world with a correct standard of who is God and what God is doing in our present times.

Love really is the answer to the world's issues. Receiving the love of God and His forgiveness opens possibilities like never before. We, the Church of God, have to rise to that level of understanding and receive His grace in order to be agents of grace in return among the "living dead" of our modern day society.

If you aren't capable of receiving love, how do you give love in return?

And so I will allow my God to whisper His love songs to me every night before I sleep, I will sing in return my love to Him as much as I can in my daily circumstances. That as I abide in His love, I will learn to lean against the heart of Jesus and know what is in His heart deeper and deeper each day.

And oh, how He loves us so

Oh, how He loves us

How He loves us so

Is July 9th the New Independence Day?

2011-07-07T21:42:00.003+08:00

Is July 9th the New Independence Day?

Funny, isn't it? The scenario and ruckuss that has quite alarmingly unfolded before us this past few days seem to ring of a familiar tone. The days when colonists tried to clamp down the patriots who tried to fight for a country dear to them. Imposing laws, catching the voices of dissents, people denied their rights, laws used to the benefits of the governing powers holding the reigns of the country in those present times...

It would have indeed been a moving scene if we were Malaysians once again taking on our colonists and demanding our freedom.

Instead its a chaotic hour for our countrymen where we see two tides meeting.. one decidingly blue and one a bright yellow. Instead I witness insults flung left and right, accusations made audaciously without human wisdom. All sorts of conspiracy theories, witch hunts, lists of would be threats to the country's security magicked up...

At best, it's short of being called a civil war. Looking at the stormy seas in twitter where harsh words are being flung at leaders, calling on leaders to be responsible and "man enough" to face the issues at hand. Not only that, I came across by accident someone who was obviously Malay who sent racist tweets to various people of other races telling to return "to their homeland" and that the Chinese and Indians should remember "to be grateful".

Did we not escape the clutches of colonialism to reach this stage? Did our forefathers not fight to see a new nation born to determine its destiny? Or would you rather resort and return to hushing voices that demand a change only because it seems to threaten your political stand? Why is a nation that wanted its Rakyat to be well educated, opinionated and rational now reduced to crass, dictatorial and illogical happenings in the very same capital where our Prime Minister made the first loud shouts of "Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!"

Truly, real intentions will be revealed when put to the test. I welcome fairer and MORE fairer elections every year. Is this not something the SPR should work on? It does owe the nation that bit of responsibility since being a body monitoring the election process. Would it not be looked upon as quality control?

When blue and yellow collide, are we the rakyat focusing on which team will win? Please, it's not a football match. I am quite bold to say at these last few weeks, days and hours, perhaps many have joined to be "clean" due to the hype of the event and just recent awakening to the "horrors" of the state of matters in our nation.

To be fair, before missiles of any form and size come hurling through airspace at me.... I truly respect and honour any person/party/organization/group that claims to champion the rights of Malaysians. If you have just awakened to the fact that you are Malaysian, there is hope for us still in years to come.

What is more dangerous to the growth of this beloved nation is apathy - in our words the tidak apa attitude. That is a poison that is subtle and gently runs deep. Ignorance helps breed apathy and so does bitterness and anger. You just couldn't be bothered anymore because what would it matter at the end of the day?

Call me an idealist but to truly see reform, it takes everyone.

It's not just the shirts of yellow that are ready to storm a stadium. It's not just the blues that are out to enforce law and order by any means possible.

It's about you and me.

When you are working at your office and you see someone of a different race pass you by, do you feel that "they should go back to where they belong"?

When you were recently robbed by an Indian in the dark of night, do you instantly label ALL Indians as thieves and sneaks?

When you see the recent happenings, is there a part of you that reacts against the Malays just because they are the majority race in the nation?

If there is, we have a lot of work to do. I too am working on myself in this area. Nobody's perfect, but if we keep on focusing on our differences and choose to reject them in another human being, a fellow countryman, what difference will it ever make?

Before you can remove the splinter in your brother's eye, remove the plank that is in yours, says Jesus. Notice that a plank and a splinter are made from wood, the same material, therefore when I see a brother fall in an area, most likely I have that weakness hence being able to identify with it in the first place.

A quote from a video about Malaysia that I love says,

because even though our clothes are the most colourful in the world
our children are colour blind
because if we try
we could be our best when times are at their worst

I wish for peace and calm to pervade our nation.

I pray for sound minds for July 9th.

I hope for a wave of change that will be for the better of Malaysia.

I believe that with God, the history of our nation will be shaped differently.

I want my future children to read about us in this time of history and be proud of us.

Saya Anak Malaysia.

Bless my homeland forever.

Thewombat wrote on my multiply site in 2005 these words:

"I, too believe that there is a place for us all in this land. And I love how you can still be optimistic in the midst of all the depressing events that take place around us.

Let's encourage one another on this long walk to the sea."

I want to ask her again, shall we take this long walk to the sea believing that there is a place for us all in this land we call Malaysia :)

2011-07-01T00:15:00.002+08:00

Of Plumfield, Tommy Bangs and White Roses

Certainly it will be a jolly old idea if I could be able to own a place like Plumfield. I quite like the idea of having a big expanse of land with boys of shape and size roaming and frolicking without a care on its grounds. Mayhaps one day I would have that opportunity to lend my heart in such a matronly fashion to younger and tender gardens so that I might one day raise a crop that would do anyone proud. I would like to be Mrs. Jo and be tender and yet firm, to have the joy of seeing her lot grow up and make a world of their own with honour, honesty and courage.

Yes, a Plumfield would suit me indeed. But of course, I would need a Mr. Bhaer to go along with it. For at times, even a boyish heart needs the warm security of a stronger presence to soothe the wounds acquired in the process of mothering. I detest sewing, would rather go out for larks with my boys and laugh loud; but nothing would beat feeling a bigger, warmer and definitely stronger presence of Mr. Bhaer.

Oh, to hear the pitter patter of small feet approaching my door right now! To hear someone declare at the top of his pitiful voice to "muther... I'm tummin to tee you!" I would long to have a Rob and Teddy to fill my life with their sunshine into their Marmar's life.

Perhaps I wax lyrical as I read Little Women, Little Men and Jo's Boys for the past few days. But reading does so awaken some hidden dreams and fantasies one harbours at times. I am pretty sure either Jo, Meg, Amy or even sweet Beth would understand that. If not, I am pretty sure Teddy himself would have given me a fair hug in agreement and encouragement.

I am thankful that I am learning to work on this garden of my life. I shall hoe at it, weed it and water it when necessary to produce a crop that will be worthy of its labour. I am also blessed to have other gardens to sow into while the little farmers grow them with such fervour and abandon that I am quite sure they will all turn out well. I am proud of my farmers out there. They are really such a bunch of Tommy Bangs, Demis and Daisies, Nats and Dans, Teddies and Robs, Stuffies and Jacks! As they test their wings and fly out into the world I can only smile and say what my Dr. Bhaer would say,

"Gott bless them! Gott bless them indeed!"

Defying Gravity

2011-05-31T02:22:00.002+08:00

Defying Gravity

It's time to try, defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity

and you won't being me down

Alot of circumstaces threaten to take away the faith that my God has planted within me.

But as I hold fast to Him, and His promises for me; I know I will make it.

My God is mighty, for He is mighty to save.

He rose and has already conquered the grave.

There's nothing my God cannot do.

Let's walk on water together, God :)

2011-04-20T13:32:00.005+08:00

Why?

It boggles my mind while it hits my heart just how deep this love can go. Every time I reach that point again, you hold out a hand and invite me to walk through that doorway into another realm, a higher one each time, a deeper one each moment. Every time I think I've almost got it figured out, you just love to surprise me with the things that would touch my heart the most.

You noticed I had a tooth ache and sent someone to pray for me :)

You knew I was waiting for an important email and after praying the email came the next day :)

You understand and know just how lonesome at times it can be in my daily circumstances and comfort comes when I least expect it :)

You know just how much I love music and you send accompaniment just to delight me :)

When people accused me, you backed me up like no other :)

I could go on and on. I realise the power in giving thanks. The power in counting the existing blessings. The power behind looking more to who you are instead of what I am not. There is power in just surrendering to you every time and there is a growing assurance that your timing will always be right though moments of struggle tempt me into seasons of doubt or confusion.

But your love never fails.

Because you initiated that blood covenant and sealed my redemption with your own death. You bought me back when everyone else would have discarded me. You brought me into the light and plunged into the darkness to be my replacement.

Since you were the one who paid for everything, cut the covenant and sealed it to be permanent; no one, no nothing, can ever break it.

It's unbreakable. Totally indestructible.

No amount of sins could make the covenant wilter.

No amount of good deeds could make me better than the covenant because your death was the epitome of sacrifice.

No amount of striving would make me more saved by the covenant, I could never do enough to deserve it.

No amount of grief would compensate because the idea of the covenant was in place before the foundations of the earth was set.

No nothing. Nothing at all.

And yet in all that has been shown on the Cross, the question is still why.

Why would you do that for someone like me?

You loved me so much that you took on those rags of sin, became what a holy God hated the most - sin, and died for what you hated the most. You took on all the garbage of mankind's filth and died a horrible and unjust death. And some still ask why and debate over the motives and conspiracies and theories of the death of Jesus Christ.

Is it that hard to accept a simple yet profound truth that He loves all of us with that kind of love?

Oh wretched humans whose technology and wisdom have immunized us against the simple heartbeat of a love so divine! We will never find a satisfying kind of love from the latest iPad 2 or Facebook, let alone satisfy that deep yearning with exquisite food or extravagant entertainment. But delving into all this has made us wary and doubtful whether such a simple yet profound love ever existed.

Who would ever want to die for a doomed people? Who would willingly give up their life without asking for anything in return? Even suicide bombers do it to earn some fame in heaven.

So what makes Jesus so different?

He was born into this world to die.

He allowed Himself to be killed and died.

He came back to tell us WHY he died and how that has set us free.

The whole world's sins had been purchased on Calvary more than 2000 years ago. Even if you don't believe in Jesus, He believes in you. Before the foundations of the earth was set in place you were already on His mind. He knew of your struggles. He knew of your shortcomings. But He also knew what a wonderful person you are to Him. His love was so deep for each and everyone of us, that He knew there was a penalty incurred by human sin, He decided to die to remove that penalty upon our lives.

After all, the Creator was just doing what He did best, He was loving and taking care of His creation. No potter would bear to see his handmade, prized pottery be dashed to pieces and not feel sorrowful or pain.

The Cross is set before us, but it's not a Cross of judgement, it is a cross of freedom and glory. As we survey the cross, we might stop short and admire the death of Jesus [wow, he did that for me?] and just stay there. That is the first step, to realise just how deep the love of God is. But the next step is to step beyond the cross and go into a realm of new possibility - a relationship with a loving Father who is waiting for His children to enter His kingdom of Love.

Beyond the Cross is where we belong. We don't need to crucify ourselves again and again because He has already been crucified. He died so that we could be set free. We don't need to do anymore to impress Him to love us more - He loves us already. We don't need to be sorrowful and feel we're not good enough - His love sees beyond our capabilities or inabilities.

So what are you waiting for? It's an invitation to a love feast :) He's been waiting to embrace you for so long!

Musings since last Thursday

2011-04-13T01:41:00.002+08:00

It's been whirlwind of activity since last Thursday and it's almost been a week since I've witnessed supernatural happenings around me.

The joy is indescribable because many things that I have been believing and confessing by faith have come to pass. I always knew the significance of blessing a person but never have I seen a live "demo" of a person reacting to the frequency of blessings placed upon them.

I can't help but smile and wonder,

God, what did we ever do to deserve this? Your grace and love poured out to us is just awesome!

For the past 6 days, I have had questions and I've seen them been quieted down one by one. Those who are around me most of the time know there's just one burning desire within me and God knows just how much I want it to happen.

Faith is such an interesting element. Faith can bring creative miracles in healings, deliverance, the utterance of prophecies and warnings... so many things. Faith moves us to pray, it sends us straight into the cloud of glory to see Jesus face to face...

wow, faith indeed.

And I know one day my deepest desire will be answered..

by faith :)

There is no moment where I would doubt the existence of my God. The way He has come to visit us for the past few days, the way He's manifested His presence to us in such a tangible way, there is no doubt that He is real.

I know He is real because I felt Him today :) I know what makes me respond and go up already :) and I know it's real because it's really the way He made me. I can only run to Him the way He's called me to run to Him.

let my life be that song for You, my Lord.

I've brought back things. Now I need to press in and find out what they mean.
I've been dreaming dreams lately. Let's go dreaming again tonight :D

A definition of trust worth defining again

2011-03-28T22:16:00.002+08:00

What does trust mean to you? Trust can be defined as a reliance on the integrity, ability and reliability of a person or an institution. However, a dictionary definition could perhaps not be taken so seriously for this round. Trust, is so subjective because situations differ.

Most of the time, people use the word "trust" and ask the same question,

"Should I trust again?"

The more pertinent question or rather the more important question would be WHY do we trust?

We trust because we derive love from a relationship built from the trust that we have dispensed whether to family, friends or even our bosses at work. Hence, when that trust is violated, thrown away or damaged...

It would be a fair assumption to say at one point or another we've all lost our trust in someone or something. It would yet be another fair assumption to say that once trust has been betrayed, it's something that has drastic effects in the negative sense where disappointment, anger, denial and confusion may set in.

When I think of trust issues, I recall my 2008. I recall now with some amusement that in Dec 2008 and Dec 2010 my trust was tested. I remember just how hurt I felt in the year 2008 where I felt rejected, betrayed and judged based on something that was beyond my control.

Dec 16th, 2008:
"I would rather be emo now. I would rather be confused and angry now. I would rather be all of this and be called immature than to actually talk about it because it somehow makes the wound even deeper and pushes reconciliation and reason even further out of the window.

I would rather leave. I would rather be forever branded as the person "who didn't understand". I would rather run away, leave things as they are and never look back. I would rather be all of that than to live a lie. I would rather be called with names and given labels than to open my mouth and give an excuse that I know my heart doesn't believe in."

Somehow, I understand the depth of that pain. The moments where it would feel much, much better to just walk away rather than get into the muddy stickiness of facing the ugly matters of truth. It's just not worth it when you even begin to think about it, because the heart aches and it feels already stretched beyond its limit. Burning bridges is easier than trying to fix the bridges that are torn and tattered with disappointment and pain.

However... you know what? Two years from 2008, I give thanks that I can use the word however.

The months that went into two years of rediscovering the true definition of trust have really taught me and retaught me that trust is something that is reciprocal. In these two years I realised trust has and will always be risky.

It's either you take the risk to trust, or you just plain don't.
A choice we all face ultimately.

Let me justify and say for myself personally that I am fully sympathetic to anyone who has felt cheated, abandoned and mistreated because they placed their trust and they saw that 100% trust abused. Who wouldn't?

Again, the challenge comes when amends are being made and we struggle to answer the question,

Should we trust again?

I can only offer to answer that question with another question..

Why do we trust then?

If your reason of trusting is to receive love and care, if your reason to trust is to derive security, if your reason to trust is to find a place where you will have no reason to doubt...

Then don't trust.

Because trust does everything to risk it all. Real trust has to involve doubt and risk. It puts all that you believe in onto the scale to risk balancing the equation. Trust can only exist with faith which also plays with doubt. To pursue 100% trust in anyone besides God is a total myth and that is why for relationships, faith also plays a part.

But the one thing that fuels faith is love. Because of love, it gives me strength again to apply my trust. Because of love it opens my heart again to believe that things can get better. Only through love I understand why I can trust and by answering the why I in turn answer the question of should I trust again.

The more I told myself to stop trusting, the more I felt empty. Though I found other people to fulfill the places of those I had set aside... the question wasn't to find new trust.. the issue was to ask why I trusted in the first place.

And somehow as 2009 and 2010 rolled in, bit by bit... why I trust began to dawn upon me. It was because loving and being loved answered that question. Was it something that just magically transformed me, I'm sorry to tell you it is a no.

It was a long process. But I will admit that it was only long because I decided to dwell on the pain and kept telling myself I will never trust again. Had I decided to deal with the actual issue, perhaps I would have come out of the dark clouds much faster. But it has indeed been a learning process.

What I'm trying to say clearer is in the process from 2008 to 2010, I learnt to trust despite the nagging doubts in my heart messing with me non-stop. That though I was afraid I took the leap, most of the times I took the leap even though my emotions were screaming at me a resounding NO.

I understand you need time. This is my way of telling you just as during those two years those who hurt me never gave up loving me and believing in me; I will say the same that as a family, no one abandons anyone. That no matter what happens, there will always be a place for you when you return. That the love that you've experienced in the past will never and has never changed.

The hurt is great, but love can be greater than that hurt. That no matter what, we'll always be there. Family is family. That is possibly the reason why it hurt so much for me last time, because I cared that much. And the only way to undo it is to look to God for love. I walked out of the shadow of bitterness, not because I am stronger than the average human being. It is really just because He is strong enough.

There is no relationship that has zero disappointments and hurts. Glass becomes stronger when tempered with repeated knocks, but the hard knocks are administered in such a way not to crack the glass though we feel it might. The hard knocks make the glass become stronger.

I have learnt to see that the circumstances that happened to me have served to make my friendships even stronger and more valuable. Because now I know who are those who really have gone through thick and thin with me; I have come to treasure those who have never left and never given up on me; I have arrived to the conclusion that real friendship endures hardship.

Real love hopes all, believes all. It never tires. If I claim I love, I have to take that risk and trust everyday. Thank God that Jesus is there to help us in learning what it means to take that risk, the same risk that He took on the Cross at the expense of His own death.

And I am taking that risk of risking the friendship I have with you to say this to you... to come back. Home is where the heart is. Lets pick up the pieces and learn to walk again.

生活是如此的美丽

2011-03-22T00:27:00.002+08:00

从今天起，我会鼓起勇气面对一个新的生活方式。
我不会再靠着依赖和理想式的盼望来生活，我已经活够了如此的日子。
但是我还需感谢你，因为你在我生活里的存在使我了解自己需要一个怎样的将来，也同时让我了解感情的轻重。

也许我偶尔会想念一些我曾经以为是属于我的情景。
我仍然觉得那一些片面没有消失，只是看待它们的方法已经改变了。
我不可以再幼稚下去，也不能够意味着根本不可能实现的梦幻世界。
毕竟我们是成年人。

我会学会坚强，会学会为自己而活。
我一定会祝福，也一定会感恩。
毕竟，我真的有快乐过，而且也在这一段时期成长了。
嗯，感谢你。
再见了。
我将会与新的生活方式交友。
我会将以往的事情当作参考来使我的将来能够活得更加多姿多彩。

我要迈向我的未来，我不想再为不能改变的事实而停步。
让我们一起迈向上帝为我们各自安排好的美好将来！
谢谢你，因为你，生活变得美丽。
请你继续另您的四周如此的动人美丽。

The End Times

2011-03-22T00:03:00.002+08:00

A blink of an eye and 2011 is almost seeing the closing of it's first quarter of the year. Wow, where did all those minutes and hours go?

In a space of less than three months - civil wars, tsunamis and earthquakes.
Sometimes, it makes you wonder just how fragile life can be, just how the unexpected can take us by surprise and leave us as humans with all our fine technology feeling desperate and minute.

I may not be a citizen of Japan, but I believe hearts all over the world have been moved by the devastation and desolation that have struck this nation. Under normal circumstances, disaster struck areas see looting and people running amok, but Japan surprisingly has not fallen to this state.

Instead I see the young and the old, the ones in power and the ones governed; all working together to make life more bearable for each other. Despite the obvious lack of food and water, citizens are giving way to each other and lending a helping hand to one another.

Is the world ending? This question has been asked throughout the ages, but never has it been more significant than these times. Will the world end? How will it end? Will we all perish.

Eternity has been planted into our hearts for the longest time. If at this moment, there is that sense of longing, desperation and that sudden violent questioning to what is the purpose of life.... let me tell you it is not an accidental emotion. You aren't being influenced by anything.

Deep cries out to deep. God has placed a piece of eternity in our hearts and that part calls out even louder of late for us because we realise that the earth is spinning out of control, and if life was all about what was going on around us, life really does feel futile.

But there is Jesus and He alone stands the test of time. He was the payment for what we couldn't do and because He died and rose again, we can cheer and rejoice because the cheque has been cleared and payment has been made for the world's sins.

God loves you. His kingdom has come to embrace you and accept you.
Will you make that choice today?

Is He Not Strong Enough?

2011-03-03T10:03:00.002+08:00

WWJD - What Would Jesus Do

That was the theme of last year's drama at GRC.

Having written the script, let me state my intentions more clearer - we were meant to live a WWJD life.

It doesn't matter if you were Henry Maxwell, the big town Pastor;

or if you were Jasper Chase, the famous writer and lover;

it's not about whether you're the owner of a prominent newspaper like Edward Norman;

or a secretary, prostitute, talented singer, church member, passerby, servant, grandmother, daughter, etc.

At the end of the day, when we call ourselves Christian, then we are followers of Christ. Wefollow what Christ would do. It doesn't get anymore complicated. And who did Christ follow? He followed His father in heaven. He said before in the Bible that the Son would only do what He saw the Father do.

In other words, even Jesus didn't have His own agenda.

In a way, you could put it simply that it wasn't about Jesus.

Oh my, you may gasp! What do you mean it's not about Jesus?!!!

Well, Jesus didn't do anything except to pursue the Father's will, correct? So in essence, it wasn't about Jesus, He didn't do it because of His importance or self preservation, Jesus did theFather's will. It was essentially not about Jesus then.

So in a nutshell, if Jesus didn't do it for Himself, who are we to do things for our own wills, purposes and gains? Do we even have that right since Jesus bought our lives back from death through His very own death?

We don't.

WWJD? He would do the will of the Father. So we do the will of the King of Kings, Lord of Lords too, just like Jesus.

Take note that in whatever decision you make, or thing you say, remember that its a WWJD moment. Especially when things are going rough for some of you - confusion, disappointment, anger - can cloud judgement and reason.

Some things are going real crazy right now, but as long as you are placing yourself in the center of God's will and doing the will of the Father while you are on this planet earth (which by the way, is spinning outta control as well), you're safe from harm. Trivial things should not deter you from focusing on His will on earth, don't ever forget that. Make a decision, say a word, do an action, believe in a principle, that you know is focusing on the will of your Father in heaven.

On a more personal note, I'm probably as heart sick as some of you who left or are stuck at one place. I know that feeling of not being able to do anything about it, leaving seems like a coward's move at times and staying doesn't make it any nobler. It's not the action that matters actually, its all about your heart in the situation. If you "have the peace" in leaving/staying, it doesn't matter what happens around you. Don't get affected by it. Make a choice that you know is based on intentions that are not selfish or spiteful.

For the remnant, remember, staying isn't a punishment. There is always a reason for everything. Remember to pray to God and ask Him for comfort and peace in your hearts. It is again aWWJD situation. WWJDs isn't always about making a choice and moving forward, sometimes, it's about staying put and doing the will of God in that particular situation. Other situations might even require you to let go, because of you dont' let go, you can't let God.

As it gets darker, shouldn't we as Christians shine His light and glory into the darkness? That's when you will begin to see His power and glory. Don't you want to see that anymore? Or are you satisfied by "trying to be good" in school and just "getting by". If that's your version of Christianity, I think you need to read a different Bible. The Christian faith transforms, it doesn't conform.

Wherever you go, whatever your choice...

Make God smile. Make Him proud of you :)

come and find me

2011-02-13T22:37:00.006+08:00

原来到最后，我并没有那么的坚强。

原来一直以来，我并没有克服应该克服的东西。

一个小小的消息足以让我感觉如此的伤心，如此的无奈。

为什么老是这样子的呢？

为什么生活总是不让我拥有一些基本的需求？

难道一个如此渺小和理所当然的需求也算是一个太奢侈的东西吗？

我不明白，我尝试了许久，我仍然不明白。

我也开始有一点不想去明白了。

我真的有一点累了。

我已经很努力的去闯一个属于我应该享有的天下。

我学习放开心情，尝试换个角度来观看周围，也告诉了自己你是我的力量。

也许我是太怀念我的小孩子。

在他们当中的欢笑里，我才找到我自己。

每当想起学校里的一点一滴，我不禁会自己微笑。

我是不是太爱他们了？我真的好想念他们哦！

看着他们逐渐的站起来，勇敢的面对挑战，

我有一点骄傲因为他们的坚强我也曾有参与去建造。

我也突然了解了一点，我这一位老师也该放手了。

他们不再需要我的唠叨，不再需要我去担心了。

他们不需要我了。

我也该醒醒吧。

是时候为自己的前途，未来的两三年打拼一番了。

但当我观看周围，我的无奈，孤独，失望和烦闷也一一呈现在眼前。

上帝，我可以不去看吗？

我可以不要在过这些假扮坚强的画面吗？

有时候，话中坚强不是说给别人听，而是一个自我安慰的方式。

天天好天，戏如人生，人生如戏。

不管是热天还是下雨天，天天都是好天。

这是你给我的承诺。

我也只能等待你实现你的诺言。

但是你可以快一些吗？我的心疼得很 :'(

do you know why i miss them so?

2011-02-11T00:17:00.002+08:00

i miss them alot.

have i told you just how much i miss them?

their smiles. their laughs.

their cute little ways of pretending to do work.

the way they greet me.

the annoying yet endearing way of teasing me.

i miss them alot.

because they've left alot of footprints on my heart.

the sharpies for my birthday.

making gigantic cards to thank me.

baking a brownie cake for me.

how a pat on the shoulder would come when I'm down.

getting a glass of water when I have my migraine attacks.

helping me to do the dreaded filing.

leaving an apple on my table for me.

i miss them so much.

they really mean so much to me.

because at times, just looking at them achieve in life makes me stronger.

seeing them overcome obstacles reminds me to stay focused for their sake.

knowing that they are more than just kids tells me I still have job to do.

remembering how they were once blur-case kids who are now responsible teens inspires me.

believing that they can do it tells me that that is all that matters sometimes.

my dear kiddies,

i'm so proud of all of you. you are doing so great. i miss you very much. nowadays, eventhough i'm no longer part of your life directly, you still greet me online or when i'm at school picking up students for tuition.

i miss being able to go for chapel together. i miss showing videos and sharing during devotion. i miss bargaining for rounds for P.E. i miss directing the drama and dances. i miss leading worship during chapel. i miss lining up for lunch and complaining about the food. i miss lecturing Room 1 about not wasting the hand soap. i miss SO MANY THINGS!!!

but most of all.

I just miss each and every one of you.

I will forever miss you. I am moving on, but the footprints that you have left in my heart remain.

i love you all.

hey soul sister

2011-02-03T02:36:00.003+08:00

Watching Cinderella Story in the middle of the night, HMMmmmmHHMMMHHM....

I think it's been ages since I wrote to you in particular. Idealistic as it sounds and you probably know me well enough; in actual fact, I do believe in happy endings. Not the kind where you live happily ever after, but rather the kind that works out in the end because you've been faithful, because you've been persistent, because you've never given up, and of course because you've given your whole heart into it for 100%

that's my form of idealism.

I will accept you for who you are and what you've set out to become :) sometimes it gets kind of bittersweet to see you move on with life and enjoy your time with a circle out there that I have no access or right to question. at times, it's on the tip of my tongue and I feel like coming clean and saying what I've been wanting to say for so long...

but I stop short there.

if i can't have the part I want, I'm not ready to lose whatever that I currently have either. i'm not ready to be selfish and prod out things that might make us lose our friendship with each other.

so why does my heart feel the occasional ache?

i promise, I'll grow out of it. I promise that i won't hold you back and I'll hear you out provided that there is two way communication. i promise to always be there because that's what our friendship demands of me.

we're on the same road, but clearly our eventual path will lead to parting ways. and when we do, I will tell you what I've been storing within me. somehow, talking about it now, makes it awkward and that isn't what I want to accomplish.

one day :) don't worry, it's a promise that I made to myself as well.

Just because :)

2011-02-02T00:43:00.004+08:00

In no particular order, some of the many instances where I give thanks for :)

our proof is scarred, on hands that bled;

that we were worth every nail

i do so miss my housemate because she brings me joy

this is so cute!!!

i miss Cuppacakes :) can I have some please because

Valentine's is near?

I would have stayed up with you all night

2011-01-31T21:27:00.003+08:00

Step one, you say we need to talk. He walks, you say, "Sit down, it's just a talk." Though he smiles politely back at you, you stare politely right on through some sort of window to your right. As he goes left, you stay right. We're between the lines of fear and blame, and you begin to wonder why you came.

And I sit there and think about where did I go wrong. I think I've lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. But I would have stayed up with you all night if I had known how to save a life.

Let him know that you know best, perhaps because after all you do know best. You try to slip past his defence without granting innocence. You try to lay down a list of what is wrong, and talk about the things you've told him all along. He prays to God that he hears you, you pray too to God that he hears you too [so in the end, who's hearing who?]

And I sit there and think about where did I go wrong. I think I've lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. But I would have stayed up with you all night if I had known how to save a life.

And now as he begins to raise his voice and you lower yours and grant him one last choice. We'll try driving until you lose the road, or at least until you break with the ones you've followed. They will do just one of two things, perhaps he will admit to everything, or he'll say he's just not the same.

And you'll begin to wonder why you came...

And I sit there and think about where did I go wrong. I think I've lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. But I would have stayed up with you all night if I had known how to save a life.

dear you, I deleted a whole looooooong paragraph on what I wanted to say to you. because, i think you already know.

Hello 2011 : )

2011-01-03T23:22:00.003+08:00

It's just the 4th day of the new year of 2011 and already I'm beginning to see how God is unfolding His plan for me : )

So many things have been happening in 2009 and 2010 and for me personally, those two years have been formative in helping me see the bigger picture. I spent those two years struggling between being bitter with people, feeling uncomfortable when questions weren't met with straight answers and also a period where my trusts and beliefs were challenged. I ha

ve witnessed characters being tested around me and seen the outcome for better and for worse as well.

Am I disappointed? Yes, I am. I am thoroughly bummed and disappointed to see people I deemed respectable, people that I looked up to, people that I had fellowship with, to in the end be reduced to nit-picking, name-calling and condemning individuals. Whatever happened to building God's kingdom together?

Yes, I mean you. I had always thought we'd be able to tough things out, but somehow, you chose to follow a blind person. I'm being blunt. You would rather

choose to follow pleasant circumstances instead of hanging onto the principles that we both said we'd protect and uphold all the days of our lives.

Am I angry? Yes, very much. I am angry because inn

ocent people were subjected to ill treatment. I am upset because people would rather pick a fight then to relax, cool down, and settle it like adults should. It seems to me, you just feel indignant because someone disturbed your sandbox. Moreover, washing another person's dirty laundry makes your hands stink. You know why, because you didn't dirty it in the first place, how would you know what the stains were? So in the course of washing it, you stain your hands with unknown traces of other people's dirt and you feel disgusted.

Bottom line: You weren't meant to wash it out for the

other person in the first place la...

Do I want to talk about it? Yes, I do. Simply because I desire to clear the air about things. Unfortunately some people choose to stand at a distance and discuss matters without allowing the real issues surface. Moreover, some people would rather just pretend that nothing's wrong and live life as if it never affected people. Sweeping it under the carpet is just as bad mind you.

I bet you think I'm talking about you. If you think I am, work up the guts to ask me direct, and ask me if am I referring to you. If you dare not, have the decency not to tell another person, "I think she's talking about us you know."

Assumption is the greater sin after all : )

Hello 2011, I know you will be wonderful. Because 2010 tested my common sense, my perception of people and circumstances and has somehow made me grow a little more wiser in my approach towards life. Here are some lessons from the past year that will remind me to look at 2011 with hope and faith in God:

I have learnt that trust is something that is mutual. You can only trust me when I'm with you after I give you trust first and vice versa.

I realise that real friends stick up for each other, not run away when circumstances crop up. Thanks to circumstances, I finally realised who were my real friends.

I saw with my own eyes and experienced God vindicating me. When people accuse you of things, just wait on the Lord, and He will send evidence right to your doorstep and He will be your defence and strong shield.

I learnt that the moment I removed the bitterness from my heart, I could forgive better, I could respect better and I could hope better. Our enemy indeed isn't the devil, it's

ourselves. When we hold bitterness within, we are truthfully just fighting a civil war with ourselves. How fun is that =="

I resolve to be real about my circumstances. I resolve to be slow to anger, quick to listen. I resolve that no matter what, my spiritual family is a group of people that I will be willing to protect and love no matter what. I resolve to love much, complain lesser and appreciate more.

But most of all, I resolve to pursue You like never before.

Because You deserve all the glory and all the praise.

For You have been faithful and patient with someone like me.

Just because You love me despite my shortcomings and never hold my past against me.

p.s. may your 2011 be blessed greatly by His love and grace for your life!

Astronomical Grace

2010-12-11T01:24:00.003+08:00

I recently watched a video where the preacher talked about how awesome and great was the creation of the universe. He showed pictures of the planets, galaxies, the sun; he wow-ed the crowd with stunning numbers of how long it would take to travel the whole span of just one light year. He silenced the audience into awe as we stared at the image of one tiny, pale blue dot in space in the far distance when the Hubble Space Telescope transmitted images back to earth.

That tiny blue dot is us. I can just use one of my pinky fingers, and I would have not just blotted, but swallowed the entire existence of the blue planet we call Earth.

How small we are in the eyes of God!

When we look at that blue planet, the interesting thing is it's a whole mass of blue and white. Out of the earth, we look upon this planet and realise that you can't see anything else. All the wars, fights, nations, traffic, people, animals, issues, law, order... You can't see any of those. Everything just looks uniform, blue and white. That's all.

We are that infinitely small in the eyes of God. Wow.

And out of that infinitely small, near to nothingness in the eyes of God... He decided to love us.

Who are we, that God should consider loving us, mankind? Sometimes we think, isn't the universe too big to only have one planet earth covered with living people? Maybe from our perspective it seems so.

But if the universe was made THAT big on purpose so that God could show His majesty, glory and awesomeness, then the universe would be just the right size for Him to be there for us to discover Him.

And again it hits me, that we are so small to Him, our solar system is but just a tiny dot on the Milky Way, and the Milky Way is but just one small galaxy in the known universe... let alone there is still the undiscovered Unknown Universe?

Wow.

How can we not see Him in this grand master piece of Creation?

But what is far more out of this universe is that God, the Creator of all the things we see around us and the higher heavens in outer space, He chose to do something unimaginable. The Creator stepped down onto earth - that tiny blue speck of dust - and died for all of us.

We receive His grace for our lives knowing that we are but just a speck of dust floating in space. We receive His grace knowing that it isn't by what we do, that we can impress Him so much that He has no choice but to save us. We are so small? No matter how big our achievements are, the biggest achievements on the face of the earth might need a magnifying glass to bring to His attention if he were looking at the speck that we are :p

And in knowing this, I am in awe just how much He has shown His love to me. Especially for the past months. His loving kindness. His mercy. His redeeming love. His standing up and defending me when enemies pressed around and demanded my life. So many moments where I realise just how unworthy I am at times when I am unfaithful.

But the point is, it's not about me.

It's all about Him.

The heavens declare the glory of the Lord.

And even the rocks cry out to praise Him.

When I realise it's all about Him and not me, I begin to see that those around me are loved equally by Him. Regardless of what we've done or not done, grace is God at work, when man has failed in accomplishing.

By my strength or weaknesses, I can never increase or decrease the love that God has for every human that He created into being. By my setbacks, it does not deter Him from loving me just the same and accepting me as His child. By my failures, He does not use it as an excuse to bring a list of "to-dos" in order to regain His favour and love.

No, I ain't good enough, but He still loves me :D

And somehow, may we ALL remember that Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ. We celebrate Christmas because that is the day when hope came into mankind. His death brought us back to life so that we may proclaim the good news to those who have yet to hear it for themselves.

God has given us that role, to preach the good news. To tell those who think they have no return that there is a return. It isn't by penitence, it isn't by remorse, but the return comes through forgiveness and love.

For love, hopes all things, believes all things.

Love keeps no accounts of wrong doings.

Love never parades itself.

Love is not selfish, it is patient; Love is kind

Love is not jealous

Love covers a multitude of sins

Understanding the concept of Love with your brain works easy. We think we've got it all figured out and one fine day, circumstances will come to test your heart if what was learnt earlier had become a living conviction in the deepest part of our lives.

Love can be tested, and only true love triumphs. That is the love that Christ gave on the Cross, and it triumphs over sin and temptation.

Merry Christmas.

Life Lessons in December 2010

2010-12-08T23:41:00.002+08:00

It has been a long period from November 25th until today.. exactly 14 days if I'm not wrong :)

Lessons that I've learnt so far:

#1: Empty vessels make a lot of noise when they are leaving the dock. They are really hollow on the inside

#2: Vengeance really belongs to the Lord. In the cause of the storms that have come, I really didn't need to do anything except be honest and commit everything to God, in the end, He revealed and is vindicating me.

#3: Loving despite disappointments is a long and hard lesson for everyone. It means me loving you even though I'm disappointed in you. Real love demands that, anything short of it is a lie.

#4: I have learnt to recognise comrades in the face of real circumstances and challenges cropping up. I salute you for not abandoning ship. After all, if Jesus is in the boat, why worry right?

#5: I have learnt that being a leader is not easy. I am glad criticism brought out the person that God has always destined them to be, and I am proud of all of you.

#6: Being the forgiver and forgiven is much more blessed to be the accuser and the accused. because it's Grace vs Works and we all know who won that battle on Calvary in the name of Grace :)

#7: In all circumstances, just surrender it to God. Taking matters into your own hands, makes it kinda sticky and unpleasant.

#8: Working up the guts to face issues in the right and honest way is essential. People don't just remember you for the end result, the process involved is equally important. That's how respect is earned - from what you got in the end and HOW you got to the end in the first place : )

#9: I know who are my true friends and whom are my enemies. You can recognise them straight on by how much they strive to protect you instead of revealing your weak side to the enemy.

#10: To be imperfect and be content that God's grace is at work when I can't do it any more.

I'm letting go, and letting God

2010-12-04T21:16:00.003+08:00

Awards night came and gone, but I am glad that with the hustle and bustle, the long practices for the drama and dance and finishing the backdrop... WE DID IT :D :D :D The drama was deemed a success despite the initial glitches.

Most importantly, I am glad the crowd was touched by the performance. Some told me that the presence of God was strong and some cried at certain scenes. Applause was heard for various parts, hats off to a scene where "LOOK AT ME!!" came out of the blue, giving me the script writer cum director a big shock but it was all in all a great performance.

Special thanks to the drama cast, the backdrop artists, the stage crew, the dancers, Colleen, AV and lighting crew and all the other supervisors and students who gave us their support. This drama was really an offering to God and we hope to live out the theme "what would Jesus do" in our own special and dynamic way.

Things got really interesting after that night. A whirl wind descended upon my life and in space of a week, my life has been turned inside out, upside down, sideways and byways. Unexpected drama and suspense have blanketed my every thought.

It is perhaps inevitable that things have to come to an end soon and somehow, I feel that hard tugging at my heart when I go through photos, videos and notes written by some close ones to my heart. You have no idea just how many times in a day I grapple with the reality and turn to my idealism for comfort.

I am still an idealist looking for a rainbow after the storm. Would God grant me a rainbow again for my future?

What makes it ache so much is when I am reminded on an almost hourly basis through my thoughts just how much I believed that I would be there forever. That somehow I was naive enough to think that things would never turn for the worse. I was hopeful and idealistic enough to believe that I would never need to come to this stage or situation.

Was I too idealistic to apply my faith? Even until now, I am idealistic and placing faith that somehow that God, You have to come through.

That night, someone said to me in desperation.

"Go and tell them, Miss Cath! You have to go and tell them! I know that after you tell them, things will be all right. Please go and tell them!"

I feel desperate now,

God, go and tell them please! You have to go and tell them! I know that after You take control, things will be all right. Please go and tell them!

God, please?

Please...

Or my heart will break on that day if I lose them. It just might never recover :'(

patterns are so predictable nowadays

2010-11-28T01:44:00.002+08:00

if you're sniffing through this for some treasure, i hope you it's something that is God-approved :)

Awards Night was awesome. So many comments of the drama :) So many compliments on how moving it was, how strong the Christian message was, how tears were shed at the emotion felt through the scenes, how the props were well done and etc. All glory to You, Jesus Christ! I knew it was all because of You sustaining each and every one of us for the drama and Awards Night 2010!!

Life can throw lemons and really sour ones at you. However, I'm an uber big fan of lemonade fortunately for me :D so intead of throwing out the lemons, I reuse them instead for my consumption and I make something worthwhile out of it. Throwing lemons isn't really such a wise decision, it's a waste of time. Making lemonade is so much better, don't YOU think so?

If Daniel's friends refused to bow down to the idol and would rather be put through the fiery furnace...

... so will I.

Because I know, his three friend's walked in that fiery furnace unharmed. There was a fourth person walking with them. I am positively sure that God walks with me all the days of my life and He will not allow me to be burnt. It is of no surprise the enemy's weapons are fiery in nature, but those who dwell under the shadow of the most high will not perish.

If God is for us, who can be against us?

It is so amusing to note that when you are doing the right thing, somehow or rather, there is Someone who isn't that happy. There are always circumstances that will crop up to threaten to finish you up, or sometimes it comes with a "push" out of the blue just to shake your faith.

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do, for you!!!

For your information, I spent the whole of Saturday enjoying myself in Genting. I went to the theme park, had lunch, took almost 400 pictures of lovely people, water, spiders and wedding rings. I had an awesome time up there and ended it with a superbly scrumptious seafood dinner at my favourite crabby corner :D

I'm glad I took the time to enjoy myself. Things are in perspective and I wonder if you could have done the same? I'm just wondering... : )

because.. when I am afraid, I will trust in God.

but when you are afraid, where and who do you place your trust in?

Is it 2011 so soon already?

2010-11-23T23:29:00.002+08:00

The school year is drawing to an end and as this year closes, it would have been 5 years of serving in Grace Resource Centre. Many of my friends, upon asking me how long I've worked, marvel at my long term relationship at such a place:

I like to share with them just how much I love my job.

I like to tell them about the kids that I love to spend time with.

I might not like the paperwork, but I love the results I see in teens and kids who study hard.

I like to talk about how I've learnt loads of stuff about myself from those younger than me.

I would never hesitate to share about the miracles and blessings God has shown me in this job.

If given a choice to return to the writing world in the newspaper with the choice of being at GRC, I would choose GRC anyday. Not because the pay is fantastic or it's a place where my ego gets stroked more and I get to be bossy or domineering to the people under my care.

It's not that.

I would never leave my job at GRC because it's simply a place where I've found a calling that is unlike anything else. Nothing gives me more satisfaction than to spend the day with my kiddies. Did I tell you that I love my young people alot? That if I'm tired, upset, or even sick; they are probably the first ones to notice and ask me to sit down, get me a drink, or ask me if I'm ok. They tell me don't stress, don't get angry.

My job isn't JUST a job, mind you. My job is my passion. The pay honestly stinks to me but what is more valuable are the life lessons that I've picked up for the past 5 years. Every year stands out for its different events, that I remember and treasure. The school camps we've held where we felt the tangible presence of God fall upon us in the dark even when electricity zapped out. To be able to minister although I lost my glasses and still God used my wretchedness to touch the children. The faces of those whom I have seen them cry out to God in prayer and take that bold step of faith to lead their generation in the Christian Fellowship despite circumstances... the incidents are countless to me.

Because we want to do exploits in the name of our Saviour.

We want to stand up and be counted for our generation.

There is a burning passion to make a difference.

This is what I learnt from GRC so far. To still ride the storm even if it looks dark and menacing. To be able to grit my teeth and keep rowing even if the waves threaten to crash on me.

In my weakness, Jesus, You are strong enough.

Currently, things are going so haywire that I wonder and wonder and wonder... should I stay put and ride this storm. Or should I set sail for a different course. There are such journeys in life where you decide to change direction and embark on something new. Could this be for me right now?

I have absolutely no idea.

But what would Jesus do?

We have to separate ourselves from being a fanatic Bible thumper and a Christian who uses faith.

The way things are going currently, it seems like a Gideon situation. He's hiding and threshing wheat in a winepress [read: possible COWARD] but along comes an angel of God who calls Gideon by who he is and not what he is at that moment: a mighty man of courage/valor. God saw what was to come and not what was in the present.

I want to see the better things that are yet to come.

Gideon won the battle not with a huge army, God took care to whittle down the numbers.

Gideon didn't win with heavy artillery, God gave him wisdom to win.

Gideon didn't really fight, God caused the enemies to thrash around among themselves in the dark and kill each other

it was GOD, GOD, and GOD.

and right now, I can't do anything about the situations that are cropping up in school.

Uncle Kevin, I think I would never be able to say this without crying. I know I can always see you whenever I want, but having you leave GRC... I feel helpless and I feel lost. I know your time is up at GRC and you have to move on to where God wants you to be. I know I will miss you very much and that somehow, I have lost a very dear mentor and father. Coming back in 2011 without hearing you and your jokes, seeing you give the boys a nice neck squeeze and nagging me to clean my table... I will miss you dearly. But I will be strong and not let circumstances keep me down for good. What you've taught me, I will do.

To the two of you, I really wish I could do more than what I can do now. I have tried my utmost best to stand up but the system is screwed up. I wish I could do more, really I do. Everyday, I pass by your table in the class and I miss seeing you there. I miss having to chase you back to your seat. I miss helping you in your math. I miss having intellectual conversations and raving about how people born in February are so awesome. Somehow, nothing happens with God permitting it. So I do believe that though you're not in school anymore, there's still a better plan by God for you. So don't give up and keep the faith.

To you, I can't mention your name here, lest risking trouble descending upon you. I wish we could have you in charge again. I miss the days when the children and I could just come into your room and smile and talk to you. Now, the amount of red tape surrounding you and the amount of effort put in to shelf you to one side is incredible. I wonder what they are so afraid of? I have no idea who feels threatened here or why feel that way in the first place? sigh... but I wish that one day, you will be back to serve us just the way you always have been. I know alot of things go on, the decisions made and executed, are not within your power and most of the time not within your knowledge as well. I can sense your heart is aching and you feel tired and helpless. GRC misses you so much! That's all I can express. One day, they'll come to their senses and that's when we need you to return. Don't give up, please.

And to my dearest kiddies, thank you for being there. Those who know what's going on, you guys and girls are awesome :D thank you to some closer ones who have been through the storms and are still standing in faith. I salute your strength in character. It makes me feel comforted to know that you are all maturing and knowing what is important in life. I know I am sending out soldiers of God, not lazy and blur children of God. Your presence in my life inspires me to hang on just one more day - one day at a time :) i love you

God, thank You above all for being there sustaining me. For letting me have those moments where I just run to You and cry. For those sleepless nights where I can only sit there and allow Your Spirit to just touch me and comfort me. You have been the most faithful to my life and I know the good work that You've started at GRC, You will bring to completion.

Goodbye soon 2010, hello 2011!

I'm buying you a kite, so you can GO FLY KITE LA

2010-11-18T19:40:00.002+08:00

You asked me today, do you always need to ask my permission before you make a decision?

My answer will be a big NO because I am not your keeper. However a little CONSIDERATION wouldn't hurt either.

You claim you have corporate experience and that you know how to run things.

Let's look at the list so far for your track record:

#1: You succeeded in making your subordinates disrespect you and feel shocked because of the way you handle things "corporately"

#2: You are good at deciding first, let the consequences happen, then realise you can do it differently [but NEVER really admitting you were at fault]

#3: You are REALLY good at cutting people's sentences before they can finish, thanks for being rude.

#4: A private dispute was made PUBLIC thanks to you

#5: The only thing you know about those that you're supposed to care for is based on another experienced person's information, how about YOU making the effort here to know the public?

#6: You involve your subordinate's opinion and input ONLY when it benefits you to do so, if it doesn't, you wave us away. Pffffft.

#7: Please remember that this is not a public school, a public invitation to go into a fist fight is such an unprofessional suggestion really

#8: Stop acting like you know it all

#9: I will never forget you trying to sweet talk me to get me on "your side", whatever happened to "I know you're one of the most experienced and I can count on you to help out"? I guess you don't really regard me as an asset now because I decided not to play your game anymore :D

#10: Last but not least, the good that the rest of us have been doing for the past few years have all been messed up, undone, and screwed up in a matter of less than 6 month's time. So much for corporate experience and so called professionalism.

If I give in and let you get to me, you would have won the battle, right? Trying to dig up my background doesn't really benefit you in any way. I won't say it's because I'm clean, but I'll say that because I have nothing to fear. I can deal with it.

But can you deal with it when things come crashing down on you?

Who will you turn to? What will you resort to doing?

There was a time where this place was a place of harmony, peace and fellowship. Now, I walk and I can sense the unrest, bondage and fear that floats around. In the past, we prayed for the devil to be banished from our midst and things were awesome.

Now, he seems to be having the last laugh at us.

No way, I'm not standing for this! I have a Jesus who is bigger than who Satan is, and better than anything you could ever ask or think of.

So I don't need your precious judgement on what kind of employee I am. Being submissive means following instructions as long as it doesn't result in sinning against God. Being submissive means following instructions because I'm listening to God, not you, so please don't perasan and think I'm actually listening to you.

God is my real boss, not you.

My own secret place

2010-11-17T13:31:00.006+08:00

Whilst the crowd gathers, I've chosen a different way to spend my time. To just stay put where I am, to reread things that I haven't read for awhile. To put a full stop and even withdraw from normal communal activities. There's no real reason except I just want to

STOP.

Stop and ponder.

Stop and gaze.

Stop and wonder.

Stop and listen.

Stop and count.

Stop and look.

Stop and enjoy.

Just to stop and look at the so common and mundane things in life like sitting and being able to write like this after the longest time. Just to stop and start thinking about things ahead of me. Somehow, singing about it doesn't really pique my fancy for this time. I can hear and think clearly when I'm away tucked in my corner typing away.

Slowing down the gears mentally while all is in a flurry of activity [Awards night + Christmas] is tough but I feel it's just so necessary for my well being and satisfaction. Slowing down gives me the opportunity to zoom in and focus on areas I need to rid myself of stress for 2011.

I have tons of things on my mind, issues that haven't been dealt with, circumstances that I'm dealing at the moment, and all this has made me decide to stop and recollect my thoughts before I move into high gear and finish up the rest of this year which is ending in another 45 days.

I think the only thing that has been consistent so far is photo taking. A hobby from age 10 finally became more than a hobby this year. Here are my favourite pictures for the year 2010:

And now, to stop this blog post and head for another nap before I go out for some shopping : )

i give up

2010-11-13T22:36:00.002+08:00

Things have never changed.

At the end of the day, people are all the same, the Bible says, under the sun. Nothing that has happened now is any different with what has happened in the past and it will continually repeat itself because all is vanity and pointless.

I remember those countless nights where I lay sobbing and stifling cries that only God knew about. I remember a phone-call to a student, where I broke down crying because the emotion of the moment finally overwhelmed me.

I remember those days when I could honestly say with confidence just how much faith I have and "come what may"

I'm thankful God never spurns doubters.

So many things have been happening:

#1: People fired out of the blue and for reasons that are slightly less from being human

#2: The inevitable fact that I will lose comrades who are working with me

#3: The weight of "keeping things together" at work is immensely burdensome and tiring

#4: My kids are unsettled with all the never-ending drama that happens on an almost daily basis

#5: Losing a few kids to suspension, so not cool and so not happy about it :'(

#6: The feeling of being under surveillance irritates me

#7: New management at the workplace :S

#8: Battling depression with the approaching 3-0 and just how real life can be concerning this

#9: My slowly but surely dying car :(

#10: Idiots who aren't interested in caring for my kids, but are ruining their lives for them :S

#11: Letting go of Mr. Someone and letting reality sink in a bit more

#12: Not knowing what to do with Uncle K. gone from us

#13: Not being able to tell anyone what's going on in my life

Whatever, the list is just a fraction compared to the complexity of feelings that I carry on a daily basis. Sometimes, you want to escape familiarity. I have strong urges to take my car and drive until I'm out of town and I'm alone looking at the evening sky or dawn. The only times when I feel at peace with the world and leave reality for a while is when I drive on the highway and all I have around me is the great expanse of the sky at my disposal.

Those brief moments keep me sane. They keep me from cracking under pressure.

What I wouldn't give to see a broad sky before me right now :|

is there anyway, to be made whole again?

will my scars forever ruin all Your plans?

Just another Manic Monday

2010-10-26T23:48:00.003+08:00

What a crazy two days.

Monday has made me worried more than usual. I started Monday with the intent to make it good, and I even told my colleague that in Jesus name, it will be well.

Happy birthday Jamie. I know yesterday didn't turn out as you wanted it to be. In fact, it sucked big time for you. But despite the circumstances, I still hope you manage to have a bit of happy moments in school. You know how much we love you and how much we value your presence in our classroom. I love the fact that you are straightforward and honest about how you feel about things and people and that's the part that makes you special : ) I know this is a really tough time for you to go through now, but don't give up on yourself yet because there's just so much good things ahead waiting for you. Your parents love you very much, and sometimes, as adults, this is the only way to reach a teenager. But they love you, and I know one day you'll understand.

Tuesday, today, has not been a really good day =/

Again, the same situation that happened on Friday occurred today. Whether it was an honest mistake or not, point is could you have been a bit more discreet? The part that frustrates me so much is the fact that you know you have a choice, and yet, you chose your desires instead of common sense and wisdom. Yes, I am saying you made some stupid choices. It's a cliche, but yeah.. you should have known better =/

Wednesday is here now, the basketball tournament is on for the boys and Thursday for the girls. What can go wrong right? RIGHT?

Dear God, I don't know how much longer I can take all of this. Running away seems like a much better option right now =/

Water You Turned into Wine

2010-10-20T21:57:00.002+08:00

How do you feel when you see a disaster coming and you can do nothing to prevent it?

Scared? Upset? Frustrated? Angry?

Helpless is the word.

I have always prided myself on being able to handle events, issues or circumstances with ease and confidence. I try my utmost best everytime to come across cool, calm and collected. No one knows just how nervous or scared I can get inside.

My greatest fear in life is not being able to do something about it. Meaning, I feel extremely disturbed when there is a situation and I'm not able to do anything about it. Absolutely anything. That irks me to the core and I always have a strong urge to stand up and go rectify the problem.

I'm a problem fixer : )

But what if I can't fix the problem this time? What if I have no means or ways that I've used before to solve this? How can I handle this better?

When all of these questions can't be answered, I start to freak out. Like big time freak out. When I can't find an immediate solution to a situation, my mind can't focus on anything else except to "fix the problem" or "I gotta do something about this". This cripples me in return and I find my energy sapped away because I spend the whole day worrying, wondering and trying to find an answer to the situation.

I've decided, you're on your own.

I've decided, that you have your own life to live and I can't live it for you.

I've decided, that you can say what you want, but it won't change my feelings towards you.

I've decided, you need help, lots of it, but since you don't want it, you're not going to get any.

I've decided, to choose being neutral because it gives me that liberty not to be bound by you.

I've decided, to let go and believe that you can be independent.

I've decided, to live my own life making sure I make the right choices and not wrong ones.

But most importantly, I choose to place my decisions before someone who is so much wiser than me. I choose to live by faith knowing that things will work out all right. I believe that no amount of worrying makes me happier, richer or satisfied; but it is God who makes it all happen on earth, not me at all.

When I make that choice, to choose God above everyone and everything else.. it changes how I choose other things in my life - relationships, jobs, ambitions and etc. Because when I make decisions on those areas, I have Him on my mind.

God has already chosen us. Have you chosen Him above everything else? The banquet is set and the King is calling, have you received the invitation and have yet to respond and come to the table to feast?

Come one, come all.

Eat and feast with the King of your heart, and be attentive to His heart beat.

Love Like Fire

2010-09-27T18:46:00.002+08:00

Your love is like fire that burns for all to see

My only desire to worship at Your feet

So let this fire consume my life

Let Your love take me deeper,

pull me closer to where You are,

'cause all I want is more of You.

As I go over this song again and again, meditate on the simple words. Really, God's love is the only thing that is fiery. It is strong enough to burn right through the mess, dirt and filth in our lives to purify us. His love is so warm and piercing that we cannot help but just be stunned and just drink in His great love for us.

The assurance that You gave me of the current situation that we are facing is awesome, Lord. I was wondering when You'd start speaking to me about it, and You always manage to deliver it just at the time I needed it the most : )

Your joy will be my strength. Your name will be my direction - Holy, righteous, Almighty.

The ways of man fail before You as I start to consider all the man made contraptions that we are so proud of. I sat down at lunch today, and heard people talk about the Ipads, Iphone 4s and Mac Books, and I am struck by the one simple fact that God asked Job,

Were you there when I created the heavens and the earth?

Surely you're able to tell Me how they came about, Job?

Pin drop silence from Job, perhaps?

I feel myself shrink in awe of the very essence of Creation.

Who can compare to what God has made? I can't with all the available technology and money and resources be able to create a tree. I cannot create something out of nothing. I can only hope to replicate or reengineer something that has already been created.

How could we ever compare to the Master Designer of the Universe? Surely, He is God. There is none like Him.

I'm rediscovering a part of me that used to be so in love with You, God. I am in the beginnings of rekindling that fire You have stirred up again. Who knows where it will take me? But the destination doesn't really bother me, it's who is walking with me throughout that matters more : )

I'm glad You're along for the ride with me.

I know that I'll be all right

as long as You're by my side my Love

This is my Love

consuming fire

2010-09-13T01:02:00.002+08:00

i had a weird dream but it was definitely not a spiritual attack.

in the dream, I was flying a kite and there were kites all around me. However, the wind blew so strongly that I hurriedly pulled the kite down because for fear of the string snapping and my kite flying away. it was a white kite, that I remember.

the kite then started circling violently and wouldn't come down. I tugged and tugged until suddenly a jolt of something like electricity startled to tingle down my arm and I was paralysed and couldn't stop it or move my arm. It was flailing with the kite but I could do nothing but feel the sensation of the shock. it wasn't painful, just a shock.

the dream then changed. a hand reached out to me and I could know during that time I was lying on my bed, the hand reached to my heart and pressed. Instantly, I could feel extreme heat searing into my heart but I could feel the searing heat without pain. I half woke up and the searing stopped and I closed my eyes to fall asleep again.

Once more, the hand come and this time it seared heat even deeper into my heart and I could feel the heat spreading to my whole body but the heat was greatest at my heart. the process was repeated a few more times.

finally, I half woke up and I said this, "God, you're putting fire back into my heart is it?"

After I said this, the searing ceased. And I woke up to a new day.

I asked myself if it was a spiritual attack. It was not for I would have felt and sensed in my spirit. There was peace in my dream and even the "searing" was not scary. Just that I'd never felt this kind of heat before. It was a fire that burned but did not consume. Was that how Moses felt that time at Mount Horeb?

God, You have been trying to tell me so many things since Thursday until now. It's time to make a decision already. I'm ready, but can You please send me another dream to confirm this? I need to make this decision in peace.

save me from myself

2010-09-10T01:09:00.003+08:00

And the man looked at Jesus and spoke with much dejection. His voice was filled with perhaps the countless times of disappointments, promises of a cure for his troubled son that never came to pass. He sighs even before he releases his half hearted request.

"Sir, if You can do anything then have pity on us and try to help."

And Jesus returned the man with a gaze of compassion and love and exclaims,

"You say to Me if You can do anything? Why, all things can be possible to him who believes!"

The Bible says the father gave an eager, piercing and inarticulate cry with tears, and he said,

"Lord I believe! Please always be there to help me in my weakness of faith!"

Jesus, I know You are always there to strengthen me in times of weakness. And if I am like that father, and I come to You and tell you I want to believe but yet my faith is weak, I know that You just want one act - belief. And You can do anything.

Sometimes we always short of being worthy

Cuz I ain't good enough

but He still loves me

I ain't no superstar

The spotlight ain't shining on me

Cuz I ain't good enough

but He still loves me

thank You for loving me. the only thing I can bring to You now, is myself.

can You please show me how to save me from myself?

i'm lost and i need to be found again.

i need to be found in Your love and grace tonight.

i need a sign, God.

because i need a touch from You.

i believe but please, help my unbelief.

i am through with you

2010-09-08T00:15:00.003+08:00

i quit pretending things are ok.

i quit trying to think that it's my fault and somehow you're fine.

i quit telling myself that things will be all right.

i quit believing that whatever I say or do matters to you.

i quit asking to "talk things out" because we've done that already.

i quit being committed for a cause that you aren't living out yourself.

i quit trusting in relationships.

i quit wanting to be your friend, it's more painful to be friends with you.

i start to realise that life is a whole lot better when i have a change of scenery.

i start seeing myself for whom God sees me for.

i start looking for the right answers in the right places.

i start becoming a happier person when you're out of my life.

i start embracing that there's nothing wrong with me, it's the way God made me : )

i start loving the people who return love to me.

i start the day by learning to say "no" when I need to.

i start singing because it takes away bad feelings.

i start enjoying my life when I realise that I have a choice to live it without this crap

this is where i begin to say one thing to myself from today onwards,

i will survive.

i will make it through.

i will live, laugh and love the way I know how to.

i will breathe and enjoy life the way God wants me to.

and you,

i bid you goodbye mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

i need to cut you out.

i don't need your good intentions anymore.

i am stronger than this.

Let us not lift our souls to another

2010-09-03T19:46:00.002+08:00

This whole week has been full of drama. Feels like an understatement depending on how you want to see it.

Sometimes, when issues crop up they somehow make you ruffled, distressed and worried. I can honestly say that I've allowed those issues bane me for a major part of the week. However, after clearing my mind of the clutter, the truth stood out quite clearly.

God is in charge no matter what.

So be it if man, management, establishment, circumstances, rumours, gossip, lies, greed, competition, backstabbing, disappointments, screw ups, anger, laziness or whatever; I know that MY God is mighty.

He is mighty to save.

We have to be the change. Change comes from within, not from the outside. If we don't stick together, then who will? If you believe in something so badly, and you want the best to come out of it, would you pay the price for it?

This is the year for the first time in my 7 years of being Christian that I see this new form of evangelism - "Christian evangelism". Honestly, to see you stoop that low to try to win people into your club, it's just shameful. You're actually spending time making sure you have all the "right people" with you while thousands out there die without knowing the gospel? And you wonder why you are losing the respect of the people around you. The army of God is selfless, sacrificial and serving; not competitive, judgemental and calculative.

I've already had countless conversations, had a worship retreat, spoken enough to know, that God is asking for action now. In fact, He deserves our highest praise. If you've been feeling restless, and its just not enough when you sing to Him and you desire more.

If that is you, and you want to use your life to serve God, then lets come together as a different kind of fellowship. A fellowship that isn't about getting others to serve us first. Let's not be a generation that is so comfortable with the things already prepared for us.

1 Chronicles 21 in the following verses:

¹⁸Then the angel of the Lord commanded Gad to say to David that David should go up and set up an altar to the Lord in the threshing floor of Ornan the Jebusite.

¹⁹So David went up at Gad's word, which he spoke in the name of the Lord.

²⁰Now Ornan was threshing wheat, and he turned back and saw the angel; and his four sons hid themselves.

²¹And as David came to Ornan, Ornan looked and saw him, and went out from the threshing floor and bowed himself to David with his face to the ground.

²²Then David said to Ornan, Grant me the site of this threshing floor, that I may build an altar on it to the Lord. You shall charge me the full price for it, that the plague may be averted from the people.

²³Ornan said to David, Take it; and let my lord the king do what is good in his eyes. I give you the oxen also for burnt offerings and the threshing sledges for wood and the wheat for the meal offering. I give it all.

²⁴And King David said to Ornan, No, but I will pay the full price. I will not take what is yours for the Lord, nor offer burnt offerings which cost me nothing.

²⁵So David gave to Ornan for the site 600 shekels of gold by weight.

²⁶And David built there an altar to the Lord and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings and called upon the Lord; and He answered him by fire from heaven upon the altar of burnt offering.

²⁷Then the Lord commanded the [avenging] angel, and he put his sword back into its sheath.

²⁸When David saw that the Lord had answered him at the threshing floor of Ornan the Jebusite, he sacrificed there.

David would not offer an offering which he had not paid for by himself. A sacrifice isn't really called a sacrifice if you don't pay for it, is it?

Have we been serving God out of convenience? Just because "we have to"? A formality? Because you were asked to serve? Your parents wanted you to do it?

If my decisions for God don't cost me something, then it is not a real sacrifice. It just isn't.

it's time to go deeper

Will you take action? Will you make your stand?

Will you stand up and be counted?

Will you choose God or choose the ways of the world?

Will you seek His face?

Do you want to make a difference starting from where you are? If you do, and you know I'm talking about you and you know, that you know, it's Y-O-U. Let's stop the talking and start doing something for God's glory to be spread to the ends of the earth!

i'll put You in front of me

so everybody can see my love

this is my love

i know that I'll be all right

as long as You're by my side my love

this is my love

Jesus, thanks for the unexpected : )

2010-08-01T21:07:00.005+08:00

I received an email in July that I forgot about for the past two weeks. When I logged onto Canon Camera Malaysia on Facebook today, this is what greeted my eyes : )

Thank you Canon Malaysia for the opportunity to be featured. Thank you Kah Sheng for being the candid model in this picture. This picture was taking at school camp earlier this year and this picture brings back memories of the fun, mud, and sun we all had : ) Thank YOU, Jamie Ho Yimun as well, because I was using your 50mm lens that time ; )

But most of all thank You, God, for blessing me with my camera and the great and awesome weather to snap this picture. I dedicate this picture to You, Jesus. Snapping pictures is an inspiration given by You to me. May my pictures bring glory to Your name.

Next theme to tackle: Hari Raya 2010.

Let's go and snap some more!

Matters of the Heart

2010-07-09T00:06:00.003+08:00

God has His special way of delivering us from our situations at the right time.

READ: His timing. Not ours.

Having lived under a dark cloud of depression, anger and disappointment for the past few months. The only thing to do that was safe was to blog and to read. Any time I would think of the issues it would send me on a downward spiral of further negative thoughts. To look at people would just tempt me to feel even more bitter and confused.

However, picking up a book entitled Waking The Dead by John Eldredge has been a God-send. Reading it slowly for the past two weeks and allowing it to speak to me has proved to be a gradual but sure healing process. In the words of Mr. Eldredge its been a process of "rescuing the heart".

The heart of the matter is really the matter of the heart. One of the questions that was posed in the book struck a really deep note in me was,

Do you think you have a good heart?

I honestly couldn't answer that question with a yes and not feel a twinge of disbelief or feel that my insides were squirming and contempt for myself rising.

I honestly don't think I have a good heart because in an instance I can call up so many memories of having screwed up small and big time. I can also recall many instances where I started out with a good heart but ended up with horrible and failed results.

So much for a good heart, huh?

That voice rings inside my heart. It despises my every intention of wanting to be the best. It laughs and mocks at my determination to believe that it's not time to throw in the towel and give up.

The enemy comes to subtly at times with arrows aimed to hit where it matters and hurts the most - our hearts. The enemy knows that when the heart gets shattered enough, gets broken enough, and gets wounded enough, we're taken out. Most of the time, we would then choose to give up on our own hearts and refuse the truth.

However, God is the one who fights for our heart. There is a reason why our God is called the Lord of the Hosts. He is the Commander for the armies in heaven. Our God, is a God of war as well. Sometimes, as Christians, we say so much about grace and that the Cross has won it all and that's all real and good. But the fact of the matter is, we can enjoy that rest and grace, but we shouldn't be naive and assume that our enemy the Devil is at rest and is being oh-so graceful about it.

The Devil has declared war on our hearts since the Garden of Eden and that war is still on right at this moment. He will continue his assault until surely we are down and he will take us out in our weakest state.

If we really didn't need to fight anymore, why does the New Testament talk about putting on the armour of God. If an armour is not for fighting, then what is it for? A cat walk down New York's fashion parade? Grace and rest come in play together with our daily battles. We fight but we we obtain a rest in our hearts knowing that the war is won, we're just reclaiming lost ground by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

These past two weeks, God has asked me repeatedly,

Would you allow me to fight for your heart for you?

It was a silent no at the beginning. God, don't come near me. My heart is rotten. It's filled with stuff you don't want to see. It's ok God, I'll handle my heart from where I am. I'm doing great God, you can go and help someone else who needs more help... (more excuses)

Why won't you let me fight for you?

The moment I relented and opened the door for Him to step through, the healing came. It wasn't so much about winning daily battles of personal bad habits or sin. Instead, God dealt with issues like rejection, self-doubt, guilt and loneliness. As I read testimony after testimony from that book (that I mentioned way earlier) I shed tears because I could identify with those people for their helplessness and despair.

And amidst all that chaos, God wanted to fight for me. My heart mattered that much to God.

I won't say that having a heart that is being healed changes things overnight. But there is an ever increasing sense of confidence that my heart is not what the Devil claims it to be. My heart is good because the bad heart was crucified on the Cross. And if within us, there is that silent thought of "How can they say that their hearts are good? Just like that? Isn't that pride?"

No, it isn't.

If I can't believe or see that truth that my heart is good, then I settle for the lie that my heart is not good. The lie that says my heart is capable of doing evil and is full of potential to be rotten. I know people will quote the Bible verse that says the heart is evil above all things but please remember, the heart can only be evil if you allow evil to reign in it.

Have we not believed in Jesus? Has He not died for things in the past, present and also future? If we claim our hearts are evil and are not good, then how will we change or see the redemptive power flow within our own hearts? Every time we try to do good and we fail, do we look at ourselves and allow Satan to whisper to us and say,

See, I told you so. You're not good at all.

Yes, we are at war. We are very much at war right now.

Here's the logic, if I can't begin to see that Christ dwells in my heart and therefore it is good; then when I look at another fellow believer, and when I get disappointment or mad at them, how will i answer that questions that goes,

Does he/she have a good heart?

If I don't think that you have a good heart, would I be able to trust you again and again after each disappointment or disagreement? Would I be able to exercise hope and forgiveness so easily?

Yes, we are at war. We are warring and fighting for the pure heart that God has given to us because He loves us. We are declaring an all out war to rescue the part of us that the enemy so desperately tries to take away from us.

Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are

When I started to believe and declare that my heart is good, the voices within that condemned, jeered and mocked, did not seem to hold so much power and venom anymore. They haven't silenced completely, but somehow, my heart has tuned into a louder and stronger voice - the voice of the God Most High, who loves me with an everlasting love.

The war has begun, you're on the winning side. Go and take back what is yours because the King has returned and He will save you. Aslan is here and winter has ended at last in Narnia, victory is in the air. And so...

Last question,

Do you want your heart to be rescued?

Father's Day

2010-06-20T13:12:00.002+08:00

It's been 18 years since I last saw you.

My last memory was me crying and crying and trying to hide myself from you because I was scared of you.

I hardly knew who you were, and I could only remember what the adults have been telling me.

That you were irresponsible.

That you took your temper out on me because you fought with mom.

That you left us.

I remember screaming my lungs out and telling my uncle to "...ask him to go away! I don't want to see him!"

Throughout the years, I grew up not needing to have you in my life. My first bicycle rides, my first day at school, report card days, learning to drive, finally graduating and getting my degree...

i never needed you or thought of having you there.

But 3 year ago, when I decided to give you a call. I found the other side of my family tree. It's not that you actually knew I was found at last, your sister found me. When I met up with her, it was anything but pleasant. I heard things that I didn't need to hear and in the end I got frustrated because it was not a way to connect with you at all.

I changed my number along the way and I never bothered to inform your sister about it. I couldn't bear to deal with another round of emotional onslaught and getting hurt.

It's been 3 years since I tried to reconnect with you. I've let go some of the hurt and fear about meeting up with you. I also realise as I look at the digital photo of you - the only thing your sister could provide - that you are old. I can hardly recognise you at all from the picture. But whatever that has happened in the past, I'm willing to let it go already and just reconnect.

It's Father's Day today, and every year I wonder if you feel lonely that there is no one to celebrate it with you. I wonder if it would make any difference that I call and reconnect now.

But I've decided to do this. I've never given you a Father's Day gift before that I can remember. I can be honest to say that I don't even know if it will work, but I'm surrendering this matter to above and if God-willing, then perhaps we will meet.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

Obsessed with Excellence

2010-06-15T06:49:00.002+08:00

I'm obsessed with being better. i'm a writer and i spend just hours to write one blog post. i'm so "OCD" [read: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder] to the point that I think about 15 minutes before I post a Facebook status or put up pictures to my photo album. One single spelling mistake I get irked.

If I'm leading worship, I make sure I've tried at least three different ways of starting the song or styles that I can present the song during chapel or cell group.

I'm obsessed with making sure the guitar is properly tuned and if I miss a chord while practising I automatically stop and start all over again.

For me, if I don't get better, I'm either regressing or I'm stagnant. There is absolutely no middle ground in staying put and being truly satisfied. We weren't made by God to "stay where we are". Take a look at the Bible, Adam wanted to be better [though he took the wrong way]. Moses led the Israelites to a Promised Land that they had never seen [but since it was Promised, surely it was better?]. Abraham was called to a land of Promise as well that he had never seen [again, it's better according to God, so why stop?]

I think that nature within us has never died. And I find no reason why we should stop it because surely it is God given. This insistence on excellence, getting "the best" and wanting "the best" has been a part of our culture and a world recognised nature displayed time and again by every single breathing moment of a human being.

Let's be honest. If your kids aren't getting the best education, or enough attention from the teacher, you either make an appointment to see the teacher or principal; if that doesn't work, you change your child to a school where his needs are met for the "better".

Your food comes and the steak's too well done, you turn to your girlfriend and mutter, "This place isn't so good after all, XXX store in YYY area of town... that's where I heard it has the BEST steaks!"

A "better" iphone is in town!

In the past graduating from high school was enough. Then we needed to have diplomas, followed by degrees and now masters need to be done to have "better standing" in the job market. I already have a few friends who are on the way to pocket a few PHDs! Again, to be able to compete with the competition out there to get a "better" job.

I could go on and on about the demands we ask of the people, environment and circumstances that are around us. My question is:

Is it wrong in the Church to push for excellence?

So often there is a break in thought over this topic. The very fact that when I tell a Christian that I am obsessed with excellence I am greeted mostly with curious stares or a wary frown,

"Demanding the best from everything, isn't that a bit worldy? We please God, not ourselves and certainly not man! You're emphasising too much on works!"

True, there is a danger of over obsessing over being better until we forget to celebrate current achievements and give recognition to an individual's uniqueness and value. We might forget to celebrate who we are and the process thus far of becoming who we are now.

I quote this from the words of Senior Pastor Steven Furtick from Elevation Church who says,

"Your capacity as a leader, a spouse, a parent, or an employee might be adequate right now, but it will be inadequate momentarily. The needs of those around you will constantly demand you to produce at a higher level. For this reason, we must have a healthy obsession with improving everything we do every time we do it. Not for the sake of pride. But for the sake of those who need us to be at our best and continually improving on our best."

Note: Healthy obsession

Back to the initial question then, is it wrong in the Church to push for excellence?

When organising the various activities and people linked to the church [read: worship, ministries, outings, ushering, youth, cell groups, people, crises, leadership, discipleship, preaching...], are we consciously telling ourselves to push for excellence as much as we demand for "good service" outside in the restaurants or at retail stores?

why are we leading an unconscious double life in what we strive for in our life on earth?

if you are serving in a worship team, do you push each other to improve i.e. if your fellow team member hasn't been too dilligent in practising and you notice a drop in their performance or someone sings totally out of parts or tune, do you correct them? as a musician, do you practice out of your own initiative or only when it's your turn to serve that week that you frantically go on YouTube to view videos that might give you an idea of what you should play? have you tried breaking the mould of the song and improvising?

OK, more frankly... do you know what is improvisation?

Preachers, would you be satisfied with preaching the same message over and over again? As a preacher, if you preached a really good sermon today, would you make sure that when you preach a second time, it'll even be greater the second time? Are you making sure that whenever you deliver a message you aim to inspire, stir up, renew the minds of your congregation?

There are times when we overhype the grace of God until we find ourselves stuck in a pothole. We yearn to be like "some other church" where things are awesome, we hear of people being saved by the hundreds and we oooh and aaah over the worship and dream of being there one day [i'm using church growth and worship merely as the two among the other many things associated with a church].

Right, my mistake. There's no such thing as an overhype of the grace of God. Excuse my words, I meant when we USE the grace of God as an EXCUSE to explain our current situation.

When your food comes late, you don't pity the workers who are working double time during lunch hour, right? In your mind, you will unconsciously label this place as having "poor service" or "slow service". If TmNet doesn't fix your internet line within 24 hours you're already contemplating whether p1 WiMax is "better" or "not".

It's all linked to how things are managed. It's all linked to whether the service providers are making an effort to upkeep their services and do they constantly look for better and faster methods to deal with customers.

So could it be that sometimes as musicians we don't practice enough? Could it be that sometimes, we are so unprepared and shoddy with our outreaches that we can't seem to attract anyone to church? Has the church made an effort to be relevant enough to reach the community?

A responsible person will own up for his/her mistakes and change for the "better". An irresponsible person will find an excuse.

Christians, we have got to stop making excuses when we fail in our worship, activities and personal walk with God. I have to say this to myself. I have to stop giving excuses like "It's not our efforts, it's by the grace of God that people are saved."

It IS by the grace of God people are saved. No doubt about it!

But what if you are a musician or preacher and you don't practice your art/profession to the best? Does the grace of God flow? It might, so that you don't make an embarassment out of yourself in your testimony perhaps.

I'm not talking about focusing on works and forgetting grace either, I hope you understand this.

People who don't know God, know as much as you to judge whether things have been "given its best" or not. I'm not talking about Simon Cowells who nit-pick and snigger. But a stale piece of bread, is a stale piece of bread. You can't hide it and once you bite into it, you know the Cafe dealt you a con job and you either storm off never to return or you start telling others not to go to the Cafe anymore because it ain't worth it.

I think it is better to be obsessed with excellence than to one day hear someone say,

"Church? It ain't worth it."

amnesia

2010-06-13T00:46:00.003+08:00

stage two of burning the bridge that I am on is starting.

somehow, perhaps what happened in 2008 was meant to happen, a rude awakening to jolt me into a reality that I had been eluding or didn't realise I was living in.

number One:

i'm officially burning you out of my life.

don't worry, you don't need to tell me, its my fault.

i don't need to hear your grand theories on commitment, faith and fellowship.

ask yourself this, that during those moments i let you dish out your crap about life and you were in that state of emotional wreckage...

... were you prepared to be a friend in return to let me dish out my crap? my emotional wreckages?

where were you when i needed you?

number Two:

i worship a real Jesus, not a plastic one.

if life isn't going well, i won't pretend that it is.

i refuse to be a hypocrite and live in a Christian lala-land that denies the realities of life.

there is a difference between faith and denial.

number Three:

i definitely resented being called melancholic.

i thought you would at least ask me what was wrong or hear me out.

telling me that you were just dropping a note of concern but stopping short at asking me, that sucks.

and yes, you expect an adult to come and tell you their problems right?

i have, in my own way.

i'm sorry. this is all becoming a little too much for me.

no matter what i say, it will eventually be retold/reexplained/reworded and it will still all be my fault.

you were always on the right side, isn't that the thing you've always been trying to tell me?

cheese

2010-06-06T21:53:00.006+08:00

原来，我是没有勇气来面对着一切。

来，让我重新扮演同样的角色。

灵感不会再那么轻易的浮现。

来，让我制造一个不同的心情。

dear mom and dad

2010-05-27T18:53:00.002+08:00

i am yet again presented with how fragile life is.

a few minutes ago, i read about a teen whose dad just slipped away in the wee hours of the morning at a young age. her blog talked about how her night before was just any normal night and before the plans for the next day were to commence, he was gone.

he was gone. just like that.

i can't for one moment comprehend how it feels to just lose someone so dear. truth be told, family has always been a very sticky issue for me.

my parents got separated before I could even understand what the word separate meant. later on, around the age of 10, they were officially divorced. again, it had no impact on me because dad was always an absent dad from the day I could remember my earliest childhood days.

can i be honest? i don't even know how he looks like. my mind can't even call up an image of him or a recollection of his voice at all. to be even more blunt, all he ever left me was a family name to carry. no bedtime stories that i could remember. no hugs. no exclamations of "happy birthday!". even the times when mom said he'd drive me around in his motorcycle when i was a toddler were only because mom paid for his petrol. the last i remember of him was crying and hiding from him when he tried to look for me in school and during Chinese New Year. i was that afraid of him for some reason.

what about mom? that's another crazy love affair. ever since I could remember, my mom has always been there for me. i remember her bringing me to the kindergarden class and waving goodbye at me during standard 1. i remember her making the best cookies and cakes in the whole wide world (she still does) and i would always be allowed to finish the cookie batter and lick the icing out of the mixing bowl.

mom was strict however. every mark missing from 100% would earn me one stroke from the wooden ruler. however, the pain was reduced to a harmless sting as i grew older and less afraid of the ruler :p but i would always feel my best was never enough for her.

mom's stubborn. the number of fights and arguments we've gotten into ever since I was 13 until even now shows just how steadfast she is in her own opinions. we've fought until we didn't talk for days and weeks. we've shouted at each other. mom has tried to bang down my room door once.

mom never admits her mistakes. she comes from a family where the parents are always right. she used to tell me how her dad (my grandfather) would slap her across the face until his palm was imprinted in her face just because she screamed at a cockroach. i know grandma would always insist her way even if mom was right. and somehow, history repeats itself with me and mom. whenever i manage to catch her contradicting herself, she'll just brush it off, "whatever I say is right, because I'm your mother!" to date, i have never heard her say sorry and my sorries never seem to be enough for her either.

my parents are not the most perfect people in the world. my most important moments in life were spent without them by my side. the times when i wanted someone to understand me, they were too caught up with work and would be too tired to listen properly. it was even more disheartening to find out that perhaps i was a product of unchecked passion and that they weren't that ready to be parents.

but for what its worth, life is too short.

i'm going to try to make things worthwhile.

take mom out for a long delayed Mother's Day meal and listen to her complain about life. i might not like the complaining part, but she did carry me for 9 months in her womb without complaining either.

i will seriously consider calling up my relatives from my dad's side and reconnect. i changed my number and i never did call back to tell them about that because I was just too scared to one day meet my dad.

i want to meet him and tell him that everyone makes mistakes and i don't hate him anymore for it. i want to tell him that we can start to get to know each other again and its not too late for those birthday celebrations and going out together.

i want to tell you mom, that i'm sorry if i couldn't get my act together when you wanted me to. i want to be a different daughter to you as much as i can. it's not going to be easy since both of us always want to have the final say. but i'm willing to try. i am still that little girl who used to make fake tulip flowers for you every year of your birthday : )

i just realised that no matter how much my mom drives me up the wall and how much my dad has been absent for all these years they are still the ones who gave me life. i am glad i was not aborted and they decided to keep me. even if they were imperfect in the process in raising me, but they did.

mom and dad. i'm going to try to make things different from now on. i promise.

passing thoughts

2010-05-26T21:11:00.007+08:00

somehow, i think you know that i've been thinking and questioning a lot of things in my life. commitment and passion have been two of the many things that have been racing through my thoughts. if you didn't realise, i've taken a stance to be on the sidelines because i think we've all been so into things until we're starting to miss the point.

is life all about spouting out dogmatic principles? were they dogmatic in the first place?

i feel like its too much of an exclusive club already and i've decided to terminate my membership because i find that the things I used to believe in now seem like white-washed dogmatic propaganda.

along the way, the things we used to do with so much passion and reverence, now seem like meaningless activities that I obligingly attend. For the laughs? For the company? For the fact that though we vowed never to have cliques, you formed the cliques nevertheless. Something that you despised previously.

someone asked me on Sunday, are things all right already with you. I had to smile at that question. Somehow, I managed to say that things are ok. Somehow, without realising, I had decided to walk ahead of you. Somehow, I am tempted to begin to believe that life would be a whole lot better the way it is now between us.

but things are still the same old. I can't deny it. i could choose not to even give two hoots about how you feel and what you think, but i still do. and no matter what, you are still like family to me.

can i say it doesn't hurt still? i can't. honestly, it's never stopped hurting. but somehow, this current condition now seems to suit the flow of things. and yes, i know Friday is a holiday. thank you very much : )

i mean what i said today.

you've done your best, you don't owe anyone anything.

the best i want you to be is to live a life where you stop thinking its your fault.

you have done your best, and I'm proud of you for being so strong. much stronger than before.

i'm an idealistic fool i am.

i still believe that if you try hard enough, you do the right things and follow your heart...

... things will be all right.

that somehow, in the mess of confusion, doubt, tears, anger, loneliness and nonsense... hope still prevails. that there is some way or another where I will find the answers that i seek.

however, i do not appreciate people who try to analyse me and come up with their own conclusions how to run my life for me. seriously, get a life. you mean well, but you didn't mean well too. if that's too complicated a sentence, then don't bother thinking about it. that is how complicated my thoughts are :) trying to reach a conclusion on my behalf is not trying to give me answers. i never did think you really put any thought into your words when you talked to me.

thanks for allowing me to be there for you when you needed someone. but that's how far the thanks went i suppose.

because you're the kind of friend who would never dare to venture out of the safe zone and find out what's been going on in my life. the reason why i'm bitter at times is because you decided to listen selectively and you expected me to be someone i never was. i can't stand the fact that i'm supposed to accept the trash people give me and when I can't help it and can only find trash to offer, people chide me for being childish. pffft.

and yes, i'm being really bad about managing my online outbursts and thoughts.

that's the first matter of concern that comes to mind first, right? just be totally honest and admit that part at least. i can't believe i used to respect you for the transparency i thought we had.

read it. its in past tense.

you're cowardice disgusts me.

i ♥ the noise we make

2010-05-22T13:28:00.003+08:00

I absolutely ♥ Wednesday May 19th because of a few reasons:

#1: I met up with a bunch of lovely peeps - the YouthQuakers

For those who are ill-informed, New Straits Times used to have a youth section named YouthQuake and I used to work as a stringer (part timer) there to write articles and stuff. Meeting up and talking/laughing/making noise with this bunch of people really brought back memories of what we've been through in those days (which was roughly SEVEN years ago).

#2: Inspiration

Hearing each other talk about our life's journey so far, we all seem to be heading towards a phase where we want to be able to give more to life. We're all in our late 20s and I realise as we head towards the unavoidable 30 we can look at it with dread or anticipation. Looks like, we're all starting to realise that our existence on earth can only be justified if we are able to contribute to society, to the people around us, we are after all, meant to live for so much more : )

What else can I say? I'm so thankful and blessed to have this set of friends. A group of people that after so many years, though we've travelled in different circles of life, are still able to laugh/talk/make noise like how we used to in the old YQ days : ) i pity Betty's Midwest Kitchen for the amount of noise pollution generated that night and Baskin Robbins for having to chase us out by rolling the shutter down AND turning off the lights :p

But it was a night well spent with some old friends. Mark, our favourite Vet, here's to a safe journey to the USA and know that even though the continents divide us, YQuakers will still find a way to unite and continue a friendship and kinship that I believe was not an accident.

i ♥ YouthQuake : )

egg cartons in the music room

2010-05-18T21:41:00.005+08:00

you can handle it.

and i will respect that.

where there is a chance to reconcile, do so.

hate takes more effort than forgiveness.

where there is a chance to care, don't hesitate.

there are lonely people out there.

where there is a chance to love, just do it.

don't underestimate it's power.

where there is a chance to grow, embrace it.

it's your destiny.

you were meant to live for so much more ~ Switchfoot

congratulations?

2010-05-11T18:17:00.003+08:00

thank you for respecting my wishes and I finally got what I wanted. somehow, i knew that prayer was going to be answered and I'm thankful for that blessing.

but why is it that I feel even more rotten on the inside now?

maybe its because of the way you congratulated me?

maybe its because after knowing you for this period of time, i realise that it's been a cat and mouse game all the while?

maybe because all the while you don't think it's worth it to reconsider and let things go?

or is it time for all of us to start moving on to another place?

honestly, i wish i could tell you how i really feel.

i wish i could be so upfront, that i could just grab you by the lapels of your coat and demand that you set aside all disagreements, all prejudices, hurts and scars and just listen to me.

don't any of you realise what's going to happen if you let things just continue to slide the way they are now?

why should i stay if the very reason why i'm continuing this fight is lost in the midst of regulations, formality and politics?

there is no point to stay. unless you can begin to understand where I'm coming from.

it is absolutely pointless to stay if i wake up the next day wondering if things will ever be the same.

it is pointless to get things in the manner you want it and you sacrifice the right things that we should be holding onto.

i refuse to watch things crumble and fall. i refuse to see and watch bit by bit how your actions are going to affect all of them. no way am I going to let you ever do that. you stay away from them!

so what was the congratulations for? congratulations that you managed to stop me from leaving?

what am i staying back for now?

You tell me.

Because right now, the only option seems to be to just quit it all because you don't even know why I'm staying back for anyway.

when i'm done convincing my heart to stop caring. i will say my goodbyes. you can bet on it.

come Home

2010-05-04T22:50:00.004+08:00

what if the only thing that fills your heart is disappointment?

what if the only thing that occupies your mind are those pictures of failure?

what if the only thing that floods your memories are words that cut and torment?

what if the only solution was to go back and revisit that place of disappoint, failure, cuts and torment?

as he lay there, amidst the dirt and sweat, hardly having a cover to shield himself from the approaching cold of the night; he lay there pondering his fate.

go back and face the music? go back and have nothing waiting for him?

only a fool would return to a place that he himself had turned his back on.

even now, those words rang in his ears as he fought to shut out those dark memories.

"i just want what is rightfully mine, old man! its mine anyway!"

"just shut up, and give me the money. my ride's waiting for me."

if the words weren't enough, the haunted expression and sadness framed in the eyes of the one he called Father was etched into his soul. he tossed and turned on the straw, trying desperately to shake off that feeling of remorse and guilt.

he could still hear the cries calling him to stop, to reconsider...

to come Home.

i hate being an adult

2010-05-01T19:18:00.004+08:00

it started in the beginning of April.

so many doubts, questions and frustrations had been welling within me.

that was when the first thought of leaving ran through my mind.

usually, i'd be able to unstuck these thoughts because it's totally not me to leave anything.

but the idea didn't get unstuck ):

the whole month flew by while I procrastinated in executing that one action that would make leaving possible. it wasn't about writing it down and telling someone that I wanted to leave. it wasn't as easy as rushing to tie up the loose ends so that whoever came to replace me would not find a mess. it wasn't also making sure that everything was in tip top condition so that I could leave feeling that i've done a good job and left excellence behind. i delayed, set aside and refrained from doing it.

i just couldn't find a way to get my heart to stop caring.

oh, if i could find a way to steel myself, to harden my heart. just so that I'd be able to ignore that lump in my throat that i'd get whenever I recalled all the awesome memories and triumphs of the past. because it wasn't just me alone who created or had those days, it was because of them that I can possess those wonderful and inspiring moments.

even now my heart aches as it considers that i might not be a part of that process ever again.

even now as i ponder my fate and consider my future, somehow the prospect of not having all of you in it scares me and my heart once again asks, no, begs, me to reconsider.

i did what i had to do as adult. i only decided what i had to decide to be able to watch out for myself. but somehow in that process, i felt that i've been such a big liar to my own principles. i feel that i've let down those who know just how stubborn and set i am with my beliefs and ideals. whether they knew it or not, i owe them an explanation on why i'm abandoning the very thing that defines my heart beat right now for the past few years ever since they became a part of my life.

i'm not ready to say goodbye yet. not just yet.

you three know just how difficult it is for me to make that decision and in your special way you've supported, advised and reminded me just how important it is to pray and commit to God every single decision.

thank you guy + girls : )

do i have a back up plan if things really go the way i don't want them to be?

i don't. even though something good did come by today, i decided without a hesitation to drop it.

because...

i love you too much to not be there for you until November next year.

i'll do whatever it takes to see you reach your dream.

i'm not giving up on you no matter how many times you give up on yourself.

you.have.a.good.brain.

i want to keep the promises that i made to you.

God of Wonders beyond our galaxy

2010-04-23T21:31:00.003+08:00

Lord of all Creation

of water, earth and sky

The heavens are Your tabernacle

Glory to the Lord on high

today, we learnt about the indescribable detail, incomprehensible numbers, and unfathomable structure of our universe. and that perhaps, is only called the "known" universe. what about the unknown?

today, we learnt that the earth - the blue planet - is but just one small speck tucked into a tiny miniscule corner of the Milky Way. Our galaxy in turn is but just a tiny subdivision of a subdivision which is part of our vast, vast universe.

but God still cares even if we're that small.

God of Wonders beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy!

The universe declares Your majesty

You are holy, holy!

Lord of Heaven and Earth

today, we realise that the heavens are so vast and high that any ruler that could be invented here on earth would never be able to measure just how wide and deep is His love for us.

today, we realised that perhaps when we memorise a memory scripture, it's not pure accident that it comes alive in our minds when someone else reads it. it is the very God who jogs our memory and who can be that real amongst us.

today, we found out that perhaps this universe wasn't just created for us to live in, but to also display and "show off" the grandeur and majesty of our great God.

Early in the morning

I will celebrate in the light

and as I stumble in the darkness

I will call Your name by night

today, I choose to look beyond people, circumstances and problems. because I realise that since You can measure the span of the universe in your palm, all the things that trouble me are so minute already. You hold me in Your hand : )

today, I decide to look beyond the heavens and into a universe beyond my comprehension and even go beyond that and rest my eyes on the Cross. To fix my eyes on Calvary. The universe was created through Him - Jesus Christ.

God of Wonders beyond our galaxy

You are holy, holy!

The universe declares Your majesty

You are holy, holy!

Lord of Heaven and Earth

today, i will choose to believe that all is well. i have Your infinite love and immeasurable grace to depend on.

Indescribable, uncontainable

You placed the stars in the sky

and You know them by name

You are amazing God!

Indescribable, uncontainable

You see the depths of my heart

and You love me the same

You are amazing God!

We were meant to live for so much more

2010-04-18T14:26:00.002+08:00

as i stare at my living room right now, i am reminded that this very living room was the same place where we stayed up 5 years ago keeping each other company while we waited for the time to come for me to leave for UK to study. that was 2005.

i remember taking that stupid video of the two of you at the forest reserve after our dip in the waterfall. you guys thought it was just a picture of the two of you mock-kissing, right?

i can never forget random ice cream or pizza feasts at your house.

those days when all we wanted was for people to know God and love them for who they were.

jump shots. our best thing that we always did to the best : )

the countless minutes we spend calculating bills because we always eat in groups of almost 15 to 20 people.

praying in the room in my apartment every Saturday morning at 10am.

bluffing me into eating durian ice cream and I thought it was mango instead >,,<

learning to eat crab properly and failing :p

the stupid obstacle course and awesome paintball.

loving Switchfoot because what they sang about was our generation's lifesong.

blasting music in your kancil and rockin' our socks off to the beat : )

your beef strips that are always to die for p:

using your photo as an icon to replace your name on msn

i want to keep this list going on. forever.

it's what me, me. and you, you.

but well, the door of new possibilities has also opened.

God, help me choose.

Thank You, Lord.

2010-04-17T09:40:00.004+08:00

this week has been an interesting week of sorts.

we started report card day week and so far so good, eh kids *wink*

i am reminded throughout this whole week of just how important communication is.

I realise that no matter which stage of life you are in, communication is still as important.

as one student remarked about parents,

"maybe they should study that elective, you know - Essentials of Communications?"

i couldn't help but chuckle.

you know what, kiddo?

i think not just parents, but everyone included. myself too : )

I realised that this week, thanks to someone pointing out to me, that just how much we hide behind our internet world. In the past, before Facebook statuses, MSN statuses and Twitter and blogs existed, human beings had no platform where they could just express their real thoughts and feelings. In the past, we could only choose between saying what we really feel in person, or just keeping quiet about it.

However now, there's a third platform where we deposit our true selves.

But I wonder if having that third platform is really that good or really that bad? Words can be traded there, left there and dumped there. Sometimes we delude ourselves to believe that that platform has no consequences and we can just say what we can there and cheat ourselves.

it can be misunderstood.

it can hurt.

it can create confusion.

it can make things worse.

it can cause reactions.

the biggest challenge is to remain consistent online and offline.

aside from that, meeting up on Thursday with an old friend has been enlightening as always for we sat there for almost 4 hours for our dinner and proceeded to catch up with things in our lives, happenings and observations. I had my thoughts picked and dissected and analysed until my head hurt with the whir of ideas that were deposited.

what did i learn from that session?

to embrace who i am.

to realise that as much as they are individuals, i am one too.

to practice what i preach.

to understand that i have things in me that most definitely freak people out : )

to remember that in everything that happens, there is a reason even if i don't see it now

to remember to bring books the next time :p

i shall end this post with the thank you's since i haven't done it in quite a while...

thank you for always listening to me rant and rave, you're aweshum.

thank you for those reminders that I should behave.

thank you for doing so well in maths, i'm proud of ya.

thank you for trying, because it matters.

thank you for smiling because it cheers me up.

thank you for spazzing because it makes me laugh.

thank you for your advice, even if it made me cry.

thank you for liking my statuses, it makes me feel less lonely.

thank you for noticing that i'm stressed.

thank you for reminding me to tidy my table, though i never do it right away.

thank you for stopping to listen even if you know you might not like it.

thank you for being a friend.

thank you for the whoopie pie : )

thank you for deciding to be a leader and planning things.

thank you for giving your best in your studies without me saying much.

thank you for bringing in my ice lemon tea.

thank you for filing.

thank you for accepting me.

everyday I wake I sing Your song,

its the anthem of my life.

i like to make myself believe

2010-04-12T18:08:00.003+08:00

i almost believed in what i told myself this morning.

to let things go. to let things just sink into nothingness.

i almost decided to just face the facts and accept life as it is.

i nearly silenced my heartbeat as i surveyed my condition and wanted to give up.

then i remembered the "psalm" that i wrote in those times of crossroads.

Five years ago, I wrote something that was borne out of my desperation and struggles.

Remove not these emotions that you have placed within me

since the day I was created

Remove not the capability to feel happiness, hope,

determination, patience, love and thanksgiving

Remove not the capacity to feel compassion,

to feel that prick of my conscience to do good and justice instead of evil

But most of all,

remove not the ability to cry when sadness sees fit for tears,

remove not the ability to feel sorrowful, confused and lost at times

when my emotions seem to tether

between reality and a self-conjured wall of security

Remove not the yearning to be the person you want me to be and even more than that,

remove not the urge to make a difference in this life and

banish notions of wanting to just exist, breathe and eat

remove not these feelings that give me a personality and character

That I may never lose the gift you have placed within me

the difference that separates me from the animals and plants

You have given me a soul that is capable

of feeling the good and also the bad

a soul that rages against the unfairness of life

a soul that weeps when it is afflicted

a soul that learns day by day to depend on you for renewal, restoration and redemption

Remove not the part of me that makes me human, my friend

Remove not my feelings despite the pain because without the pain,

I would not have learnt to reach for you for comfort and unfailing love

Remove not these feelings for they become the stepping stones for me

stairways to honesty and acknowledgement of the times when I fail

that you were there to accept the wretched fool that I am

Remove them not, my friend

remove them not

today has been a day of peace for the first time.

no inner storms, no inner battles to put to silence.

i am at rest because the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard my heart and mind through Christ Jesus.

who.am.i.

2010-04-08T19:18:00.002+08:00

one man's meat may be another man's poison they say.

what seems to foster faith seems to fuel doubt in some.

doubt seems to be shunned and despised more than welcomed.

when i am in the dark, i learn to depend on something far greater that i cannot possibly see.

i remember just worshiping and playing in the dark 3 years ago, not caring if the electricity or water would come. it was a time of abandon, sinking into that feeling that i was being carried on angels' wings while adoring the One. who knew when the utilities would be back?

all i knew was that He would come.

if we could trust everything, believe everything and be so sure of everything, surely faith would not need to play an active part in our lives anymore.

sometimes, we just cheat ourselves when we think we know it all.

when things are going wrong in any possible way, what does a person do?

are we like Job? All covered with scales and boils?

are we a totally repulsive sight to those around us?

have any of us endured being judged, ridiculed and commented upon by well meaning people? theyreasoned with our logic and gave us long prescriptions on how to behave, think and feel.

should we just curse ourselves and tell God that we were never meant to be created?

does He have a better chance with other people compared to us?

should i say that life is wretched and though I curse God not, I still think i am better off dead? Then perhaps it should please God to blast me with His awesome glory, boom out His inanswereable questions and ask me to answer them on His behalf.

who am I to be able to create the heavens and the earth?

who am I to be able to even form a tiny worm or a great oak tree?

who am I to be able to call together the clouds and create a furious storm or even a gentle rain?

who am I to question His will in every single matter that is under His eye in this universe that i live in?

i am a flower quickly fading,

here today and gone tomorrow;

wave tossed in the ocean,

a vapor in the wind

i can't question it and neither can anyone. it's a season where things are changing for the better in the eyes of God. although things look so messed up now currently, but there is a certain peace that comes from within knowing that i see something that i've never seen before.

even now, the song is playing in my mind,

but still You, hear me when I'm calling

Lord, you catch me when I'm falling

and told me who I am

I am Yours

is this 2009 all over again? where i burn my bridges, set them alight to see them break down, turn into ashes and be blown away to never come again?

some bridges were built with blood, sweat and tears.

shall i let them go and turn my back on those structures?

do i build new bridges to lead to other destinations?

do i look to the Master Builder for new blueprints? not a bridge this time?

whom shall I fear, whom shall I fear?

for I am Yours

I am Yours

its a major blackout this time

2010-04-07T00:44:00.004+08:00

my thoughts are snippets of reflection. forgive the inconsistent time frame or point of reference.

*snip*

friends don't take breaks from each other in the fashion you describe. if we were so driven on taking breaks however brief they are, in order to settle a situation... when do we come back from our breaks and shake off the awkwardness?

until the person changes? is that how it works in fellowship? no tolerance? wow.

i think there is no room for doubt anymore in the gospel that you preach. face it.

you disgust me.

*snip*

you gotta drop to rock bottom before you understand what it means to be in the dark. if its beyond you, give a bit of empathy if a person has given their complete three mites knowing that Jesus is watching the heart.

*snip*

i'm tired of playing tug of war with you. sometimes, i wonder if i'm on the verge of spoiling you with the attention i give in the name of trying to be your friend. sometimes, i feel like snapping and scolding. i feel like stabbing myself for even caring when all i get in return is faint acknowledgements of my existence. on top of that, the occasional reminder that i'm not allowed to penetrate and see the real you.

but somehow, i still do care. and i do love you.

can we work on what we have?

i know you can and you will one day stop saying you can't.

*snip*

i am amused how from one status update the instant conclusion is first to lay blame upon Satan for everything. i cherish the intention to care but sometimes, i utterly despise that fact that we give so much credit to this eternal battle of good and evil when sometimes, just plainly put...

HUMANS ARE THE ONES RESPONSIBLE FOR SCREW UPS TOO

*chuckles*

*snip*

i realise that teenagers have this awesome common sense. sure they might sound a tad childish, but then again... who says they need to give that up? i totally love you Sophira, Roanne and Lydia Chang for being there for me in moments that mattered and in moments where others thought it didn't matter.

i know we'll be always in touch even though you've grown up a bit more and moved onto college/uni!

*snip*

we need the dark as much as being in the light. take a close look at your bible and you'll find that all the heros of faith in there went through more seasons of darkness than ever.

love the psalms? look at them again and you'll realise that David also poured his heart out as a real human being before a real God. he didn't mince his words. he didn't disguise his disgust at injustice. he didn't mask his doubt.

he came right before God and gave God his best and worst.

david, you rock ; )

*snip*

i feel that i'm a pilgrim of sort. taking short breaks here and there. abandoning the things that i'm supposed to do just to take those solitaire sojourns to discover some deeper truths and unlearn some lessons that were meant to be seen in another angle or perspective.

just that sometimes, it'd be nice if Mr. Someone was there in that sojourn. but its ok, we'll get there someday, won't we : )

*snip*

thank you for being the friend who can understand me.

sometimes, you're the only friend who could ever understand me.

these past few days have been worth screaming about, especially today.

*snip*

i blacked out while driving. darn scary stuff.

i blacked out while turning out of the junction after dropping my student home in Kepong. That blackout nearly had me ramming into another car that was turning in the junction as i was turning out. another occasion i remember was accelerating, blacking out and coming back to consciousness just in time to slam the brakes to stop myself from running into the car in front of me.

i started praying and slapping myself to stay conscious. i was drifting in and out of a haze as i drove home, hoping i would not kill myself while driving fast to reach home faster. i did crazy zig zags and on a few occasions near to ramming some cars in the lane next to me.

for once, i wished i had someone else to take the wheel. i had to drive and scream at myself in the car to keep myself awake at one point and go... WAKE UP, STAY AWAKE, DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES!!! made it home. slept for an hour in the car park before crawling into bed and immediately sleeping until 10pm at night.

*snip*

i'm tired. so tired of who you are and who you are becoming.

you are so selfish to a point that you only choose what you want and forget.

but it doesn't matter because all you've done so far has made me realise that i shouldn't have wasted my time in believing that i have a friend in you.

today was the day, when i needed you and i decided not to call you because i've already come to believe that you wouldn't have come anyway.

for your information, i never regretted the words i said, the things i did and the times we've been through.

*snip*

blackout. i'm waiting for the lights to be turned on again.

Simon of Cyrene

2010-04-02T10:51:00.003+08:00

the sound of the whip slashes the air and cuts into his flesh.

a moan of pain escapes his lips, wrist-clenching, jaw clenching.

as I stand from the sidelines and survey this grotesque scenario unfolding before my eyes. I am shocked and disgusted to see the Romans literally tear apart this man like wild dogs tearing apart a carcass.

only this time, the carcass isn't dead yet to be one.

the crowd is filled with whispers and gasps of shock like mine.

who is he?

what did he do to deserve this?

is he really the Son of God?

some spit and snarl in contempt.

blasphemy deserves judgement.

who would dare to take the name of God as his own?

blasphemy! demon!

but the man who is torn apart before my very eyes, looks nothing like a demon.

a rag doll maybe?

I shake my head and grimace as I see those metal hooks dig into his ribs and yank out another chunk of flesh. the smell of blood and sweat is unnerving, even nauseating. I need to get out of this place. I have no part of witnessing man at his worst. As I turn and try to push my way through the crowd, a Roman guard spots me from the arena and he points his bloodied whip at me.

You there!

who me? don't call me

Yes, you! The one who is walking away!

what? what do you want to do with me?

the man needs help to carry his cross. why me?

of all people... pick someone else. not me. i don't even know who he is.

do it.

and here i am now. struggling under the massive weight of a wooden cross.

the man who gasped next to me, with blood dripping from his head.

before they sent him to carry the cross, he had some "royal treatment" - crown of thorns rudely wrapped around his head and a purple robe around as a mockery.

we never spoke a word. Just breathing alone would have cost him so much of strength. as we trudged up to the hill, my mind raced with questions. i did have an opportunity to ask him up close who he really was.

did you lie about who you are?

are you really who you claim to be?

if yes, why are you in such a pathetic state?

why not show your glory or majesty?

but somehow, silence was more fitting for the two of us.

finally. we're here. the guards pushed me aside and proceeded to drag the man onto the cross. he's so weak that he can't even lift himself up. His body is ridden with fresh wounds and cuts. He hardly looks human to me anymore.

"...he was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with the deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care."

Isaiah said that. He foretold that the Savior would not come in his kingly robes, but rather be a man of sorrows.

could he be the one?

the guards stretch his arms and legs across that wooden cross. the clink of nails.

the women wail and cry because they know what is next.

as the first nail drives in and blood spurts out, i wonder was it worth going through all this? would a normal man put himself through shame and suffering?

the second nails crunches through. his face is already contorted with so much pain. his body shivers and shakes with the agony.

who are you Jesus?

They lift up the cross and present the Roman Guard's latest specimen of shame. The one whom Pilate washed his hands off. The one whom his own countrymen spat on and ridiculed. The one whom was sold for 20 pieces of silver by Judas to the High Priest.

Jesus. Son of Joseph the Carpenter and Mary.

Jesus. Master of the disciples.

Jesus, Son of God?

my emotions suddenly rise within me. as i question myself who is this Jesus to me.

did he really come to save me as he claimed to all of Jerusalem?

what if its true?

dear friends, it's Good Friday. Most of us are celebrating it as a holiday. But this day was bought with the price of blood and shame.

Jesus died not just for me, but for you as well. And if you've been at a point or are now at a point where you question your existence, you are wondering if Jesus really is the Son of God. Do ponder and think. But don't just stop there!

Talk to someone. Talk to a friend you can trust who knows who Jesus is. Search the Bible (there are loads of online bibles to be read for free). I even challenge you to talk to a pastor, since they're just normal people like you and I.

But would you consider this? To open your heart just once and ask God to talk to you. He doesn't just talk to Christians, His heart is always ready and open to everyone on this earth. The bible says, call upon His name and you will be saved. And God is ready to come in and be your God today.

Jesus suffered the Cross, endured shame for all of us. But He didn't just die and the story ends. He rose again on Sunday and that's why we celebrate Easter. Nothing really to do with Easter eggs and the Easter bunny. Jesus wasn't so commercial! He was committed to save you and I.

God bless you.

dear Claire

2010-03-28T00:34:00.003+08:00

Dear Claire,

It will probably take you a few years or more to be able to read this : )

Welcome to our world! Specifically Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia! You were born in the midst of anticipation, expectation and rejoicing, you know? we've been waiting for you for the past almost 10 months.

You not only have a Daddy and a Mommy to love you to bits, you've also gotten yourself a whole kampung of uncles and aunties who have already loved you in our hearts even before you were born. Though you're just a few hours old and breathing in the oxygen around you for the first time, we've been waiting to see your cute face for months!

I pray that you will grow up in wisdom and stature and gain favor from those around you.

I pray that God surrounds you with angels to protect you from any harm.

I pray that you will grow up strong and healthy.

I pray that you will never lack, but have all abundance.

Seeing you in a small bundle there, occasionally smirking, raising your eyebrows and smiling was so awesome! The best part was when the nurse wheeled you out of the baby room and we saw you out in the open for the first time... you even obliged us by opening up your eyes to survey your surroundings. Boy, you must have heard a huge chorus of voices and wondered what was the fuss about. Did you notice that we were taking pictures and videos of you?

One day, when you're old enough, I'm going to show you all the pictures of you and tell you how much we love you : )

Dearest baby Claire, you're having your first good night wish from your aunty Catherine :D there are many more days, months and years of watching you grow up into the person God wants you to be. I am looking forward to seeing how you'll be a part of your parents' lives and also for the rest of us as well!

You are loved. So loved. Good night, Claire. Sweet dreams and sleep tight, dear : )

love you, Claire darling : )

true colours

2010-03-26T20:28:00.003+08:00

"Friendships are complicated!"

That's basically what someone told me today. I wanted so much to correct her and be all grown-up like and say that things are simple, don't over-exaggerate. But as I paused and surveyed this more than 10 years younger than me creature, I realise that I'm not any different from her.

Complications are a result of a world of imperfection. And friendship is really one of those things that make or break a person be it teenager, young adult, parents, grandparents, strangers, foreigners, teachers, accountants, doctors, road sweepers, mailmen...

Friendships matter.

The constant fear that threatens your mind with things like whether the friend you are talking to really IS a friend, is anyone talking behind your back lately, do people accept you for who you really are, are you being used, do you match up to the group's standards, loneliness, fear of rejection...

This is to you because when you said that you were worried/scared if people would be talking behind your back. You are scared because you are afraid that they might be nice in front of you, but behind you they really don't like you at all.

Let me admit something. I share that same fear.

But time and circumstances have proven that if I strike out and have a little bit of faith and realise that in order to find out, I have to take a deep breath and make a move into the deeper end where lies unknown things and people.

I'm scared of friendships at the moment. Really I am.

But we all need to be honest with ourselves.

I've found out that if I can look beyond who I am and trust God and believe that He knows what He's doing, I can rest assured that I'm heading in the right direction for my life.

Yes, I am feeling that same dread threatening to engulf me. The week has been interesting in the friendship department for a lot of people, not just myself. Here's a song where I always think of when I feel like things are overwhelming.

True Colours (Cyndi Lauper)

You with the sad eyes don't be discouraged

Oh I realize, it's hard to take courage

In a world full of people you can lose sight of it all

And the darkness inside you can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors shining through

I see your true colors and that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me a smile then, don't be unhappy

Can't remember when I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear

You call me up because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors shining through

I see your true colors and that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors

True colors are beautiful

Like a rainbow

finally

2010-03-23T23:51:00.002+08:00

the working week for the very first time has gone by so slow. what? it's only Tuesday today?

that's how slow it feels for me now.

but perhaps by reducing the speed of things, it has given me a backseat amidst the hustle and bustle. it has given me time to think. it has given me time to pause and survey my surroundings and also to peek deep within myself and ask myself some very real questions about my current circumstances.

i am born an emotional person. things or people come and depending on what or who, they both affect me dramatically.

you should learn to love yourself more and forget about things that bog you down.

this has been going through my mind since Sunday night until now. the questions that were screaming inside of my mind, the doubts and voices of self-rejection were just too much to bear. all of it, was just too much to the point where i woke up this morning with a nauseating migraine that threatened to blur my vision.

honestly, i didn't want to go to work today. but somehow, i managed to make it.

during breakfast i read a book and what caught my attention the most was the word "faith". Faith is something you see played out in friendships, whereby if a person is late for an appointment, you would assume the person was held up by a punctured tyre, or an accident or something unforseen. This is based on your relationship with that particular person and you trust them enough (through the years of interaction) that he/she is not purposely late for the appointment. You assume the best of the person because you trust him/her.

and perhaps faith is the answer to all things. in fact, it is : )

that if indeed i believe that a friendship that can endure hardships and celebrate triumphs, then indeed the current circumstances is just yet another round of tempering and making it stronger. how it turns out, doesn't really matter anymore, because i trust and have faith that all things work out for the good, the greater good. and of course, i have faith in the friendship, because if i didn't, then it would mean that i was never sincere in my part of the bargain already.

does that mean, i've dealt with the matter? the previous post sounds so emo, doesn't it? i've prayed, talked to God about it and after that, my migraine disappeared. to me, it is a sign that i did in a way deal with the issue, because a certain amount of stress did disappear from my mind.

Aa the days have been slowly progressing, i've agonised, cried, wondered and pondered and found peace at last.

yet, i am still sad. but somehow, there is peace amidst the tears. it doesn't seem to make sense, but perhaps faith lies in that valley of sadness at times. life's journey is such that at that busy intersection, you stand with a few people. the light changes colour, and everyone moves on to their destinations. some move with you, some move away from you. it's life. then all of a sudden, we detour from our paths and you find yourself standing with some familiar people again at a red light.

in the midst of my tears, i remembered one thing.

what we have is fellowship, not just friendship.

it's something that's eternal and more valuable than

the usual hi, bye and lets have dinner together.

fellowship means we uphold each other's faith, support each other when needed

and trust one another despite the circumstances.

that's what we have. fellowship.

wouldn't exchange it for anything else : )

hey mom, why didn't you tell me?

2010-03-22T01:21:00.005+08:00

i could say so many things to describe what is going on inside of me.

i could use as fluent, as colourful, as descriptive, and as brutal the words that are begging to be released, if only to stem the momentary emotions that threaten to overwhelm me.

i could and i can exercise that right even as i am typing these words right now.

did it hurt? of course it did. i would be a liar if i didn't admit that part.

am i upset? no doubt about it.

alot of reasons were given, communication established finally only to result in it ending abruptly.

one mess up, one moment of giving into weakness and it calls for an end of things.

the world is indeed a very real place.

the world is indeed full of disappointment.

was i wrong to ever invest my time and energy in this?

i still don't think so because i saw the growth and the expansion that perhaps some parties overlooked. you're not as bad as you think you are, and i'm proud of you thus far : )

i decide to still care.

i decide to still love.

i decide to still fight for what is right and believe in ideals that i try to discard.

i decide to still believe that nothing goes to waste.

paths have crossed and perhaps i'm no longer standing on that same intersection with the same people. the lights have switched and we move on our separate ways.

its the highways and the byways for me from now on.

let's call for a toast for the world's biggest fool.

i never gave up on anything until now

but others may go as they please.

i refuse to change my ideals

friends will always be friends to me

yesterday, today and the days to come

that's the end of the bargain i'm willing to keep

spot, focus, snap

2010-03-17T19:37:00.002+08:00

snap goes my camera, the satisfying sound of the lens shutter clicking away thrills me.

As I focus on yet another subject, it could be a child splashing water in the pool, a stray pink cloud in the evening sky, star shaped flowers in my condominium... it doesn't matter.

as long as i get to capture that moment and relish it forever.

life on earth is short and the moments that matter to me the most will be the moments I try to capture the best I can with a camera. there is a certain awe that exudes itself in nature, a certain calm behind observing those majestic moments of the sunset sparkling and peeking over clouds and between leaves.

you will seldom find me in pictures with people. i am so much more comfortable taking down scenes and occasions because those moments warm my heart. i love jump shots, "ugly face" photos and special occasions like birthdays and weddings. i celebrate those moments by immortalising them all in a click and snap. the pictures of my loved ones remind me that there are moments of rejoicing where i can look back and smile, knowing that the journey i am on is not a solitary one.

i usually go through my whole year by clicking through pictures i've taken. So far for the year 2010 i've taken more than 3500 shots already and i believe by June it would have hit at least 7k or 8k shots : ) but the quantity can never be above quality. being the perfectionist, i am never satisfied with just one shot. i hope that one day, it will become a profession. But i know, i am so far from being professional with the type of shots i'm currently taking.

but it has been a fulfilling two months plus of exploring what photo taking can yield, not just that, but also the editting that i have come to enjoy : ) i am anticipating what I can do even more with what i already know and see how far i can push myself to improve.

Lord, guide me in this area. I really want it not to be "just another hobby".

Have Your will in this area.

Amen.

according to you

2010-03-15T19:04:00.000+08:00

i wonder why whenever i see something happy around me, i get hit by it.
it's obvious i'm not jealous, just perhaps a little envious.
just perhaps a little wishful, hoping that i could have had a life like that.

sometimes, i wonder if all the investment and the effort is worth it.
there are those moments when i question myself if i should even care.
even now, i realise that at times, i am the biggest fool before the whole world
and even myself for that matter.

things are just so fake.
people are not what they seem.
situations turn out to be opposite of what you expect at times.
that sick feeling in your gut is unmistakable.

just get out of my sight.
in the end, what you wanted was temporary and you were looking for something else.
the ugly truth is, i was never. i just wasn't ever :'(

so what...

but according to Him, i'm beautiful and incredible

but they can't take that away from me

2010-03-08T00:29:00.002+08:00

this weekend drew to an end pretty fast, things whirred by and i can hardly remember in detail what i said or did. but one thing is for sure, i'm once again caught by surprise and amazed by what is undiscovered about the people around me.

On Thursday during the field trip, i realised that people can actually come alive when the correct topic is found : ) you totally blew away my first impression and its reminded me again that looks can be deceiving and its those "supposedly" quiet ones who take you by surprise all the time.

i love the fact that underneath it all, there's a personality just waiting to be awakened. after talking to some young people..ok wait... younger people... *chuckle* i rediscover the meaning of having dreams.

photographer. movie director. musician. doctor. businessman. writer. composer...

the list goes on. the ability to dream and to yearn to do something that they are passionate about is the strength of a youth.

the capacity to imagine things and to live with that idealistic dream, it is beautiful.

i have nothing against MTV, teen pop, movies and such... but i admire those who dare to be different and not follow the usual mould of culture and peer pressure. there are many who want to be something else while they're working in a job that they probably aren't alive in.

do you want to be in a career you aren't excited about? don't even go there ><

there is nothing wrong about listening to music that isn't radio friendly.

there is nothing wrong choosing a career that isn't parent-friendly.

there is nothing wrong to stand up and speak up even though it's not peer-friendly.

there is definitely nothing wrong with being the person God made you to be : )

but it is wrong if you don't allow yourself to dream.

it is horribly wrong if you can't be free to express your opinion.

it is very wrong if you believe that what you are passionate about is weird.

it is SO wrong if you won't let the real you arise and shine.

(i still think about being a writer. the satisfaction of being able to produce something that will encourage minds to ponder and think has never left me. i miss those days at YouthQuake where we would churn out ideas, lines and ways to write a story. It was stressful and we wonder why we allowed ourselves living hell, but at the end of the day I would never have swapped the experience with a boring 9 to 5 job in an office cubicle.)

this weekend has really made me think. alot.

about remembering the things i set out to do. the dreams i have been dreaming about so far. the future plans i have for myself and photography :p

there's no limit to age when you come to think about it. because the most important thing is the mindset and perspective we have within us. if we give in to situations, we'll never move forward on our own accord. We'd be too scared or too shy to embrace some risks and possibilities that could open up a whole new world to us.

don't be held back by reservations.

just dare to make a move and the rest will just start rolling.

thank you kiddoes... for reminding me that the future is full of possibility and promise.

thank you for your passion for life and that appreciation for the little things that count.

thank you all for being an inspiration.

thank you for not being afraid to express yourselves, stay that way : )

they can say anything they want to say

try to bring me down

but i will not allow

anyone to succeed

hanging clouds over me

gotta take a little time

2010-03-07T00:50:00.002+08:00

i wonder if you hurt tonight?

i wonder if you get engulfed in fears and have no way to escape?

i've been emo for the past 2 days and i didn't really tell anyone in detail why.

somehow, i know these things shouldn't get to me because i have put them behind me.

but i'm only human.

i have feelings.

and yes, it does hurt.

perhaps you never saw it and perhaps you never knew it mattered that much to me.

but tonight, i just wish you'd read this and understand that life doesn't revolve around just one person. it's much bigger than that. the world is made to contain other kind of things as well.

you call it sad? then am i to be called sad as well?

i could have laughed out loud right at your face that time.

but i didn't.

because it hurt too much.

but i know that things are more to what the eye can behold. i will hold firm to the promise that this is a season of change. most of the time change involves hurt and if i must hurt, in order to change, then so be it.

Lord, I'm available.

He is Mighty to Save, He is Mighty to Save

2010-02-26T01:09:00.002+08:00

In Argentina, a man was reunited with his son after being separated for 32 years even before the baby was born due to civil war disputes. His wife was abducted by military forces and the baby boy was born in prison and later taken away by the enemy and raised. He was never told that he was a foster child.

The child grew up in tyranny and was constantly raised with abuse and cruelty in the family. It wasn't long before he knew that he didn't at all look like his other brothers and sisters. He saw how his "father" abused his wife and how the tyrant made life a living hell at home.

His biological father on the other side, had never given up hope in finding his wife or unborn child at that time. He even had a pre-selected name for the baby if it was a son. Even as the years went by and as he aged, he never once lost hope that one day he would be reunited with his own flesh and blood.

And finally, in what seemed as fate, they were reunited through an organisation that was set on reuniting families who were separated due to this civil war and the father finally saw the son and gave him his real name and identity.

"At times I wondered what the hell I was living for. I had to find a way to continue, thinking about everyday things, hoping for this moment of happiness," the father said. "Hugging him that first time, it was as if I filled a hole in my soul."

And what did the son have to say about leaving his old life and embracing the one he was truly born for?

"Never again" will I use this name [his foster family name], he said. "To have your identity is the most beautiful thing there is."

The beauty of this whole thing was the direct parallel that I saw as God opened my eyes to see the message behind this.

Each and every one of us, we were all taken captive by the Enemy and put into a place where we were raised with lies, deceit, pain, anger, tyranny and fear. Satan had a grip on us that we didn't know and he wasn't going to be so nice to tell us that we were children of our Father in Heaven because duh God's his enemy.

But one day, enough is enough. There's a part of our spiritual heritage and descent within us... when we realise that somehow, we don't belong in the darkness. That somehow, we have the urge to look beyond. And just as how that boy in the news report realised that he wasn't part of that family... we too will one day realise that we weren't meant to be slaves of Satan either.

That is when our hearts begin to open up to God.

That's when we make contact.

And as we reach out to God, we tap into the correct "source" and we begin to embark on that journey of discovering who our Father in Heaven is.

#1: The enemy wants to steal, kill and destroy

Satan came to steal us away from God and feed our lives with lies and he tries to cheat us into believing that this is the life we're meant to live.

#2: But God gives us our names

Son/Daughter of God

#3: God gives us our identities

Citizens of heaven.

In the news report, I can see descriptions of how happy the father was to finally be able to acknowledge and introduce to the people his beloved son. What more us? When we become children of God, our Father is equally pleased to display His pride and show us off to the entire congregation of angels and hosts in heaven! He goes, "Look, THIS is my pride and joy!"

To have your identity is the most beautiful thing there is, the young man said in the news report.

It is the same with us. To have our identity in God is the most beautiful thing there is. When we find ourselves in God, there's no other place on earth that can be compared to this point where we realise that our hope, our very beginning and end is with God. To be called a child of God, to be loved in the family of God and to represent God, it is a high privilege and honor to be given to us.

Never again, will I ever want to be associated with my past hurts, my past sins and my past regrets.

Never again, do I want to be a slave to the sins that have held me back from my real life in Christ.

Never again, will I turn back and be lied to by Satan and allow him to bind me and torture me with anguish and despair.

Never again, will I forget who I am.

Because He is my...

Saviour, He can move the mountains;

my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save.

Forever author of salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave!

goodbye my friend...

2010-02-23T17:15:00.002+08:00

i can't imagine how some would feel at the moment.

do they share my feeling of shock, sadness and speechlessness?

i know tears were shed most definitely.

i heard the news today in the afternoon that Chin Tze Hung... or rather more fondly known as Ah Hung by his close friends had passed away yesterday around 4pm in a car accident in Sabah.

my condolences to his family. he died at the age of 29.

at an age where numerous possibilities would have happened, he was taken away by an accident.

i don't know how to feel or describe what it is to me.

i didn't know him that well compared to some. But for the much that I do know, I always remembered him as the one who always smiles, the one who is always kind, and caring. I remember him being a good "heng tai" (brother) to one of my good friends. I remember him being a gentleman. The rare lunches that i did go out in college with him and my other coursemates, I remembered him being polite and funny.

Ah Hung, i am certain you left us with more than just these memories. I thank you that for those brief moments that I did have contact with you, you made life brighter for the person you are.

there are lingering questions in my mind.

did he know Him? did he get in touch with Him?

where is he now?

at one point, my reason screams at me to refrain from pondering on these things. it doesn't seem right for me to want to know or scrutinize these details.

i do want to know, and yet i am afraid to know.

but at this moment, i want to take this moment and just remember you, Ah Hung. And if you are able to see this... please read THIS: "you will never leave the hearts of your friends. you have been a blessing to all of us."

Take me

2010-02-20T21:20:00.002+08:00

you know how you worry that things will never be the same again?

or how sometimes because of what you say or do, that perhaps there's no turning back and all would be lost because of your intentions?

i hate that feeling.

but i hate something else even more.

i would hate it if i live this life without telling you how I really feel about you.

i would hate myself if i did not have the guts to be honest to people who I love the most.

i would hate to see myself become someone who could be tossed around by circumstances.

i would hate not rising up to fight for what is right.

i would hate being a coward when I was needed to be brave.

drama happens all the time. sometimes you can avoid it, and yet sometimes it just happens and sweeps you straight into all the confusion, emotional battles and frustrations of life. if only i could just pull the plug and the drama switches off and things return to normal but sadly things have to run their natural course.

what can one do when things seem upside down?

what do you do when you feel that things are slipping out of your fingers no matter how desperately you try to grab ahold of them?

i can only just surrender things to God. Because in Him there is peace, hope and comfort. In God, it's the only place that I can escape and restore my mind to sanity and be renewed. When I am face to face with God, things don't seem so unbearable anymore because I've come to the Source of life and in Him, I am restored : )

Hear Your voice, a gentle whisper

That calls from deep within

On my knees, my heart it cries out

I'm longing to draw near

Hide me now under the shadow of Your wings

Lord, into Your presence I will run

Take me away with You

I want to be close to You

Take me away into the Secret Place

Take me into Your Arms

Here in Your presence I belong

Take me away into the Secret Place

Goodbye and Hello

2010-02-09T22:17:00.003+08:00

Another year has passed by : )

Somehow, things get clearer and blur-er at the same time.

Never have I gone through before this moment of asking myself is it real or am i just being sensitive?

But I know I need to close this chapter for now and move on the next scene in my life.

I know somehow, that perhaps, things were never meant to be the way I imagined them.

Am I losing hope? I'm not. I'm just being realistic with circumstances around me and moving forward with my life.

The same way you are moving ahead with yours.

Am I catching up to you while you're running away to chase your dreams?

I've decided to let you go and pursue your dreams. I recognise my role and that is to support and to encourage all the way. To ask for something beyond that insults the very foundation of the friendship we both share.

I didn't ask for much anyways, so don't you go and worry about it : ) you know i never let my heart run away too far from my sanity and reasoning anyways

The occasional maybe floats by now and then but I know and I acknowledge that its not what I should be thinking about at this moment. I know its something that you aren't thinking about as well.

So goodbye Mr. Someone. I've said so many times that one day I'll sing at your wedding as a gift to you and your bride haven't I?

I mean it : )

Hello 2010, lets make it an awesome 11 more months!

does it burn?

2010-01-27T01:33:00.003+08:00

i dare you to move

i dare you to lift yourself off from the floor

i dare you to move

like today never happened,

today never happened before

You know that I could use somebody

2010-01-24T01:00:00.003+08:00

Dear God,

when times are confusing and i need You, this song seems to be a deep cry from my heart. i wonder if this is how David sounded like when he was surrounded by enemies, confusion and doubt.

Use Somebody ~ Kings of Leon

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use Somebody
You know that I could use Somebody

Someone like You and all You know and how You speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use Somebody
You know that I could use Somebody
Someone like You

Off in the night while You live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make You notice
I hope it's gonna make You notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like You, somebody
Someone like You, somebody
Someone like You, somebody

Give to Everyday

2010-01-19T00:01:00.003+08:00

There will always be a reason to give up, and there will always be a reason to keep going.

The question is, which reason will you choose to focus upon?

Your troubles will get the best of you if you give all your time and attention to them.

But you always have another choice.

You can give your attention to the positive possibilities.

You can choose to focus upon what’s right with life.

There is something you can do in this very moment to create

a little bit of positive value in your world.

Though it may not seem like much, just one small positive action

can have an enormous impact.

Even the smallest step has a clear and unmistakable direction.

When you choose to take action, you choose to take control.

Don’t allow your life to be defined by the difficulties that come your way.

For beyond them all, you have something unique and beautiful to give to every day.

- Ralph Marston

Hey, Mr. Someone

2010-01-16T01:51:00.002+08:00

Hiya, guess what?

Had a girl's night (well sort of in a way) and we talked about relationships. What is most funny is that I actually talked about you and just how I view things about the future and what transpires then.

Would it take long for us to get to know each other deeper? Many things are usually put into consideration in a relationship - money, time, effort, maturity, commitment, security, honesty... the list could go on.

I really wonder what you want in a girl? I wonder just how much I fit into your criteria?

Question is: Were we meant to gauge and judge each other in that fashion?

I always fancied that we would discover one another as good friends. See the good, bad and also ugly to be fair to one another. There's no point getting married to someone and then only discovering all their weaknesses and decide that the marriage is a failure and just give up.

I always believed that between you and me, the longer we discover each other and get to know each other, we'd realise that both of us need to help one another grow and progress in life. To be able to plan ahead for marriage, we'd need to organise, plan and determine what we want out of this life together as a team.

I'm not in a hurry. People around me are slowly all finding the person that they love. Right now, I'm just content that you are who you are and that time will take its course and mould you into the man that Jesus wants you to be. One day, we'll meet and it will be worth the wait : )

As much as the walk down the aisle thrills my heart, as much as I've imagined walking down it towards you... the longer walk is when we join our hearts and walk the journey of the rest of the days of our lives together as a team : )

And I'm confident, when we walk... we'll walk by faith not by sight.

I still remember your hand : )

Lord, my heart cries out

2010-01-10T03:40:00.005+08:00

Somehow once you've made a decision, God comes in and decides to test your resolve and see how you fare in your commitment to place Him first in your life.

I don't think it was a mistake to read about worship in the book I took with me to Midvalley to read at Coffeebean the whole afternoon while waiting for my movie to start. It's no mistake that this book happened to address my heart more than the usual books touted by those around me.

to transform your mind you need to allow your spirit to take control of it.

and if your spirit isn't worshiping the Lord God Almighty, how much of your mind can be under the subjection of His Holy Spirit?

this week has been a week of mixed emotions, changing of principles and challenging of mindsets.

Almost everyday has been a lesson in itself of perseverence, patience and prayer. i decided for myself that in order to function the best in God's kingdom, certain sacrifices had to be made and certain thoughts and views had to be silenced. again and again i came to the altar and placed myself upon it to hunger for the peace and assurance that I had made the right choice.

did i beg? yes.

did i cry? yes.

did i complain? yes.

did i repent? YES.

somehow, i made it through to today, Sunday : ) maybe some would view these small endeavors on my side as minute and unimportant. But for me, it makes a whole world of a difference! I have won this week's battle - bruised and battered - but I have won with God's grace, strength and peace in my heart.

and somehow, even if i do feel sad... i know it will just be a fleeting moment when I give way to tears before Him and He will be there to pick me up again. even now, as I let them fall, i know at least I have come to the right place to exchange my burdens and once again decide to stand up and go through another day while holding my Papa God's hand and walking together in this life :)

you're the father to the fatherless

the lifter of my head

I see you veiled in majesty

we cry Glory, Glory

we cry Glory to the King

p.s. space has never changed friendships at all as long as the heart doesn't change ( :

Church on Fire

2010-01-09T00:29:00.005+08:00

in light of the happenings 24 hours ago... a church was burnt and two others had failed attempts to burn them down.

I have been reading the news articles, hearing people talk about, seeing sms-es circulate telling people to take down their Christian car stickers to avoid cars being smashed, asking my Malay friend what's her take on the situation and thinking about it the whole day and asking God to make sense of this whole issue.

I am saddened to see an issue over one word - Allah - could be taken to a different level by certain parties. After reading some articles and research, I have found that the etymology or origin of the word is debatable. Therefore I wonder if we as fellow citizens together in this nation blessed with so many things should even begin to contend and bicker and instigate violence to satisfy something that could be ambiguous and doubtful in the first place?

is the country's peace and well being worth abandoning in such a fashion?

where has our decision to make 1Malaysia work?

negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku

blood spilled in the days of colonial imperialists for the sake of our independence today.

have we forgotten it?

we owe our forefathers an explanation.

as a Malaysian, I leave it to you as to how one should respond in the face of such times. do we resort to violence, condemnation, demonstrations and picketing to draw support and suffer our unity for the sake of just one word? do the ends justify the means?

I am Christian. I believe in the everlasting God who says that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. I believe that Jesus is the only answer to the world. I believe by giving my life to Him, it is the best decision I have ever made.

because in Him i find peace, hope and a future.

i am saddened to hear of the attacks on churches. With all due respect, I do not look at this and decide that my muslim friends are now sprouting horns and tails and look like Satan. Neither do I think that i should react by saying that these people who did these acts of hatred and vandalism be sentenced to hell or basically go into despair in darkness.

the gospel is not this.

if we truly call ourselves Christian, let's walk the talk.

let's fight hatred with love.

let's join hands and battle ignorance with understanding.

let's offer fellowship in the face of animosity.

if we truly preach a gospel of forgiveness and reconciliation, then let us forgive those who have hurt us and not let an act of burning a building spark negativity and resentment in our Christian walk.

lets stand up and be counted as both Christian and Malaysian. it is our responsibility to follow God's commandment of loving others as much as we love ourselves; moreover our duty as a citizen of Malaysia to pray for unity, to support positive moves of our leaders to bring our nation to a higher level of independence and progress.

faces. spaces. places.

2010-01-06T22:00:00.002+08:00

It's almost a week into the new year of 2010 and there are loads of hints of how this year is going to play out.

On New Year's Eve, I finally overcame a personal obstacle and even took a step out of it to look at it in the eye and say "no more". It's a personal victory to end the year and start it with a freshness knowing that it isn't going to hold me back again. Go Jesus! The best things is... I can even forgive and let it go : )

The first few days of the new year flashed by and before I knew it, Sunday had came and I was approaching another academic year at Grace Homeschooling Resource Centre or fondly known as GRC by my kiddies and myself : )

smart me got involved in watching a movie that freaked me out badly and I wasn't sleeping well from Friday night until Sunday night itself. Went for an unforgettable Starbucks with a sales exec and a well-cherished friend accompanied with an icom student. The drinks tasted great and were that great because of the laughter that came with them. though the night ended somewhat in a low key, I slept better than the previous nights. thanks Connie, for the prayer and the hug. i actually told God i wanted a hug : )

School started on Monday with me feeling tired out... 80 over kids is something new to me! But somehow, we got through the first day, second day and now the third! Through God's grace for all of us working at GRC I suppose. The scary part of yesterday was having a brain splitting migraine attack and experiencing after so many years of it not recurring - blurred vision. Worst still, driving through the cats and dogs rain yesterday, focusing on the road and avoiding bumps while desperately navigating through near black outs. Thank God, I reached home before zonking out on the couch for 2 hours being dead to the world.

Today, I skipped lunch to avoid the noise and hustle bustle around me. Took a time to just talk to God in the classroom. I remember letting one small tear roll down because I felt so tired, frustrated and useless. If you know me well enough, you would know that I always hope to get the class in order, meet everyone's needs and at the same time have some time to breathe. I felt breathless today and with a tiny bit of migraine still pounding at me, I felt bummed.

But after talking to God, wiping the tears away. I was ready.

Big thank you to Sarah Ti, Vicks, Kathryn (and the sun and moon and stars), Ryan and all the other students whose smiles, hugs and reassurances have made my day today. I totally appreciate the small things you do for me - checking the floor plan, conserving blue tack, holding the science lab keys for me, complaining about your pigtails, forgiving me before I knew I was at fault... not to mention Melissa Yeap for visiting and giving me such a pretty bookmark! So great to be able to see you after so long! :D

I know how 2010 is going to be. It's a year of achievement that's full of knocks and bruises but also...

full of success

full of maturing

full of decision-making for the better

full of learning and relearning and unlearning lessons

full of committing to a higher purpose

but most of all.. and this is the part i like the most...

full of the goodness of God for my life : )

..and i will rejoice in You.. Whoa-oh-oh.. whoa-oh-oh!!!

two more days

2009-12-30T11:32:00.004+08:00

just two more days and i would have stepped into the year 2010, the year where the numbers are no longer single digits but two digits.. 2010...2011...2012.

I remember very well that the year 2020 was something that was constantly harped about in my primary school days... we already used to draw pictures of LRTs going through the big city of KL and hovercrafts and tons of technological gadgets. i wonder if the local authorities actually copied off our some of our childish ideas :p

but what i remember even more was that i would secretly count the years that i was away from 2020. i would always gasp and be filled with a mixture of excitement-fear-anticipation all rolled into one. I would be THIRTY EIGHT by the year 2020 O_O

i know, those who know me would probably say at this point, "Only someone like Mei Ling would have thought of this even at her age" [note: they just mean i'm being weird :p]

well, 2010 approaches and i rack up another year to add to my age and i find myself standing at a distance of 10 years to the year 2020 I am still filled with that same sense of excitement-fear-anticipation. There's something significant in the space of 10 years.

When I finished Form 5 and at the age of 18 I decided to take on Form 6 instead of a diploma straight away and I found myself in a totally different school environment. It's not really because of school pride that I love CBN so much but because in that school, I learnt to believe in dreams and look far ahead. The culture of the school was to breed excellence and to strive to be on the top in all circumstances. I had an English teacher who loved to bring out of classroom things into our lives and used books, famous people and words to inspire us to see beyond ourselves.

I remember at 18, I realised that there was a part of me that needed to be filled by something and my journey of wanting to know the meaning of life started then. I remember thinking to myself, "10 years from now, where will I be?"

i wanted to be a medical doctor. I studied Biology & Chemistry in a college i swore i wouldn't enter because it was so "chinese". I worked as a reporter during my sem breaks. I failed my studies but miraculously still graduated with a degree from the Liverpool John Moores University in the UK. I worked as a research assistant in University Malaya researching national unity and translating articles... and now...

I'm a teacher. The first job that I declared to my friends that I would NEVER in my life take.

But is it such a surprise if those who have inspired me thus far in my life have been teachers?

Teacher Low

Madam Soong

Mrs. Raihah

Mrs. Ramdas

Miss Chia

Jesus

They were all teachers :p it was in God's planning after all for the past 10 years from 18 until now that as i turn 28 soon that His hand has led me on this journey so far to this point of my life.

And right now, as I am turning 28 and I pray ahead for the year 2010 and also look in anticipation that when I reach the year 2020 I will be turning 38... i wonder what does God have in store for me? Fear of the great unknown? Excitement for new things to come? Anticipation of success and accomplishment? I have all of these and it is comforting to know that the years to come I am not alone.

I am grateful that God has left around me so many hint and promises of His goodness for me thus far - my family, my friends, church, cell group, colleagues at work, my wonderful kids at school. There have been moments that would have been unbearable if these things were not there to remind me of His goodness everyday.

But most precious are those moments in this past year when things were going out of control that I could turn to God and cry and ask for comfort. Thank You for the days when I would be carrying defeat in my heart because of something that was said or done, where I would slip away for just 5 minutes to shed some tears in the toilet God has seen those days. Thank You for the days when I'm driving and I totally lose my sense of direction and He gives me instant guidance.

Thank You for the days when I am stubborn and yet You call out to me to return to You. Thank You for the moments when I think I am not worthy to serve You and yet You still invite me to partake of Your works.

Truly as I look now into 2010, I see God being in it. I see that He has already laid out a masterplan that is crafted specially for me to walk in it. He has prepared the blueprints way ahead of time and taken time to plan, decide and execute His plans for my future. I have yet to walk into 2010 yet but I know in my spirit, that He will neither leave me nor forsake me to the wiles of the world.

I'm not just looking at 2010, but I'm already anticipating the next 1o years and i know that they will be great ones because after 10 years I'm already seeing things like marriages along the way, children born and growing up, ministries increasing, my kids in school all grown up and inspiring future generations... the list goes on : )

i'm shaking off the year 2009 and stepping into an entirely new 2010. in Jesus' name, amen!

and now... the pictures that i ♥ the most in 2009!

Today is the day You've made, and I will sing for joy.. and I will be glad in it ♥

Dear Mr. Someone : )

2009-12-26T21:12:00.003+08:00

Dear Mr. Someone,

Somehow, I didn't expect to dream about you so fast. This is probably the first ever dream to have and to feel the things I felt and see the things I saw.

I didn't see your face. But I felt your hand : )

We didn't do much in the dream, but all I know and I am going to remember it for quite a while because of the way you turned, and took hold of my left hand. I could feel the warmth of your palm and I couldn't help smile when I realised that you held it protectively and lovingly.

Is that going to be the same feeling when we walk down the aisle?

Oh gosh, you make me feel like i'm a young teenage girl gushing about a boyband in her magazine. But well, you were always the only one so far who could make my heart flutter this much. You have no idea.

When I woke up from my dream of you, i woke up with a smile : )

Somehow Mr. Someone, I know that no matter what, you'll always be there for me. That through thick and thin we'll stand together and see things through. I know we'll be a team in the things we do and since we're team mates, we won't abandon each other either!

So for now, I shall treasure what I have around me. I shall pray and ask God to lead me to you and you to me. No matter how impossible it seems at times in my current circumstance, I still would believe in you.

I know when we're going to spend time together as a team.. we'll enjoy the chats, the laughs and the moments where our hands are joined as one and we'll just "hang out" and ...

enjoy being us : )

Merry Christmas and Blessed New Year, Mr. Someone. I hope 2010 brings you joy, success and inspiration. May the One we both worship and adore lead you to greater heights and planes of blessings more than you could ever ask or think for.

Good night. Be safe.

Love,

Catherine

the real reason for this season

2009-12-22T23:55:00.003+08:00

did you feel the Christmas atmosphere around you this year?

how do YOU define christmas?

stockings? santa claus?

christmas trees? reindeer?

presents? lights? mistletoe?

one day, the candy cane will lose its appeal.

christmas carols will sound repetitive.

the lights on the tree will fade and not be burning bright.

presents are just a formality we practice on the 25th.

since when was Christmas about this anyway?

it commemorates the birth of our Savior and Lord

Jesus Christ.

the day when Hope was born on earth.

Not just wishful hoping or brave hope.

But literally the Hope, the Solution

the Answer to mankind's cry for a true Christmas was born.

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Take Him out of it, and you probably just have another festive holiday

where you decorate your house

and find an excuse to go out to have a good eating with friends and family.

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Bring Him into it and it brings meaning to life.

It holds hope for those who have lost hope.

It lights up our perspective to see that there is more to life than a celebration.

Life is about knowing why on earth we were placed here in the first place.

Life is about finding out the significance of Christmas.

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Is He the reason for YOUR season in your life right now?

thank God we didn't argue like Emma and Liv

2009-12-21T13:07:00.004+08:00

was contemplating whether i should have talked to you about it in the very beginning.

but in the end, the contemplation ended with a decision and we did talk about it.

things turned slightly ugly, words flew and in the end, one finds that two good friends are shedding tears.

i wonder, was it worth it all?

just only yesterday i mentioned to someone, that friendships have their stormy moments and a good, strong and sturdy friendship should stand the test of time. A firm friendship is not shaken by circumstance and neither is it broken over a few words.

were the tears worth it?

memories of you: braces. a saman before turning 18. going off to NS and missing you lots. going through Shawn's passing. going for visitations "or else". making "brownies". korean food. picking up that black furball. vandalising a certain person's red car at night. talking things out. laughing. candid video at kanching. praying in the room every saturday. contending in faith.

you know, the list could go on. and i think one day, there'll be so many memories that i can't even remember enough to write it all down. because i know our friendship is made to last. it can and will stand the test of time.

the tears were worth it.

because it shows that we still care for each other.

it shows that despite it all, angry as we can get with each other because of our differences, the journey of our own individual paths in life and the decisions we make and follow...

we're still friends.

you'll be there for me, and i'll be there for you.

and yes, i will come because of your threat.

not talking to me for the rest of our lives can be quite life-threatening : )

but most of all i will come because i want to come.

2010

2009-12-20T19:46:00.002+08:00

jumpshots. pavillion. B&R sundaes. smiles. jokes. long distance trips. farewells. reunions. food. hugs. arguments. resolutions. grief. achievements. revelations. change. distance. coldness. confusion. purpose. love. hate. loneliness. photography. blogging. hands. monopoly. drinks. dota. death. decisions. birthdays. weddings. babies. KFC. Up. The Ugly Truth. handphones. facebook. msn. warmth. friendships. enmity. family. breakages. reality. idealism. truth. lies. uncertainty. reason. illusions. lust. pride. envy. grudges. disappointments. hope. faith. money. grabbing. dance. songs. performance. maturity. hesitations.

a 2009 mix.

it's been a great one.

2010.. are you ready?

ARGH

2009-12-19T21:11:00.002+08:00

tonight i am at a loss of words.

i editted and reeditted my blog post nonstop.

this is the 6th time i'm rewritting this.

that says alot already about me.

Kind Consideration and Maturity

2009-12-17T00:44:00.005+08:00

she screams into the silence.

not even an echo returns.

life is such that you wish you could be able to be brutally honest about your actual condition. i suppose you can, but brace yourself for the comments that come your way.

she's too afraid to hear what she knows she will hear.

grow up. let it go. you should know this better than anyone else.

it's in the past. why are you letting it bother you?

it's your own choice in being where you are now.

so many voices echo in her mind. with all those considerations, why should she bother to be honest? why bother to bare it all when it brings no benefit?

its just not the right timing. it's not the right mind to be in. it's not the right thing to even be bothered about.

it's just not right.

so lets do the right thing.

so she decided to bury her heart and start 2010 differently.

away from it all.

away from herself.

away from anything that could possibly pose as a threat again.

out with the old, in with the new.

Dec 18 comes in less than 24 hours.

it will be a sleepless night to commemorate this event.

that... is the right thing to do.

year end thoughts and resolutions

2009-12-13T03:01:00.001+08:00

one of the greatest things in life is to have loved. and not only that, to have loved and not regret making that decision to love.

there have been moments when i wonder if love is really worth my time, effort and heart. there have been days when i wake up and ask myself if i exist not to love, then what is the point of existing to begin with?

love is a risk. no one said love was a bed of roses.

to make it cliche even more... as a well known singer crooned,

"why does love always feel like a battlefield?"

if i don't fight for love, if i don't make a stand to love... then there really isn't any reason to be called human. after all, we're all created with the capacity to love. no one is born without having love in their hearts. we celebrate love in many forms all around the world - weddings, birthdays, engagements, graduations, baby showers, thanksgiving dinners ... etc.

we live for love.

we laugh because of love.

we cry because we love.

we get angry due to love.

we dream of love.

we yearn for love.

so many things in fact, almost everything seems connected to love.

it's taken me almost a year to figure out something. if i don't love something or someone, my heart won't be there.

for where your treasure is, there lies your heart too.

where is your heart today? is it in disappointment? does it sink into despair? or does it hang on the hopes of surviving barely each day? has your heart been caught in the tossing waves of the uncertainties of life?

my heart has been wandering for a long, long time. it really has. the ache it feels at times, makes me shy away from loving. the disappointment that i still taste at times moves me away from loving. the anger that still rages every now and then threatens to silence my heart and freeze it bit by bit as the days progress.

love isn't a drug. but it is a solution to the loneliness i might feel at times. love has helped me more than any book or website or help group i might seek counsel from. love has both inspired and encouraged me to take a deep breath and give myself another chance.

because when i see myself, i begin to see how You see me.

through the eyes of love.

through Your eyes of love.

You loved me despite of me giving up on myself for so long.

and for that my new year's resolutions are such:

#1: To learn to love myself more through You

#2: To learn to love others more through You

#3: To learn to teach others to love more through You

face lift

2009-12-11T02:28:00.002+08:00

finally, after agonising for about two hours, i managed to settle on a blog skin thanks to the ever-patient Soph Chong. turns out it wasn't too bad in deciding and putting in the links and resizing stuff. in fact, it was fun : )

i miss the kids in school. going back the other day reminded me just how much i miss seeing my kids.

spent half a day at the new place having a meeting and deciding some things. found out that i have a new job assignment ><

after bumming in school, decided to go to 1U with Vicks and Ryan and we ate at A&W. Some smart people picked up the parking ticket when i dropped it unawares and to think for the rest of the day there were plotting behind my back :p after lunch, we went to the arcade. Ryan, i so beat you at that game :p then me and Ryan totally beat Vicks at foosball :D

school holidays feels like forever but i'm enjoying it so far. but part of me wants school to start again too. but this time, starting school without a bunch of seniors who have just graduated, makes me feel slightly melancholy.

i will miss those times when i can walk up to any of their tables, lean on it and sigh. and either one of them will look up with a smile and go, "Why? You stressed/tired ah?"

i am missing my graduates now.

lots.

Dear Friend,

2009-12-07T01:13:00.002+08:00

Dear Friend,

I know you are somewhere out there. Those moments when I feel i need a different kind of comfort, the times when I just need a pair of arms to give me a warm embrace to console my broken pride. You're out there, somehow I know it.

The time or space that divides us doesn't really bother me. What bugs me is that I don't know your name yet. I don't even have an inkling of what you look like. But somehow it makes me wait all the more eagerly and anticipate just how you will be and how your voice will sound like when it speaks to me on the phone.

What kind of person will you be? I hope you have a sense of humour! I hope you will bear with my lame moments when I go all hyper and talk a lot of nonsense to de-stress! I know you're going to be understanding, sensitive and yet be firm about what you want to say and do. You know just how much I hate a person who has no convictions or their own opinions.

I wonder if you'll find me interesting in return? Will i fulfill what you want in a woman? Am i too noisy, demanding for you? If you do the cooking and I do the grocery shopping, will you mind? I like my rooms to be pastel in colour, can we negotiate how and what colours we'll choose to paint the rooms in the new house? Let's get a car that our kids' friends will say, "whoa..."!

Oh, there are just so many questions that i would like to ask you when you come around! I so look forward to those moments where we will learn to pray together and bless our futures together as we plan and organise our lives around one common purpose to glorify God in our journey together. I know i shall feel that knowing you has been the greatest blessing that He has given me and I hope i shall be a blessing to you in return as well.

I pray that one day when we meet, we will be given the wisdom to know that we're sharing a burden together. That we're in this not to complete each other but to be a help to each other. To utilise our different strengths and talents to build a family together. No longer it's "your thing" or "my thing".

I'm looking forward to that day, when we say "our" : )

I can almost feel your hand holding mine, and we feel secure of each other. doubts will come but time will be the test and the love we share will erase all fears and build a foundation of faith, hope and love. and those same hands will raise up a future generation that is secure on the testimony of our matrimony.

Until then, i shall close this letter. I know you haven't come yet, but you know that i love to imagine how things will be like. I'm sure you know how idealistic, fanciful and dreamy i can get at times. And I know you love me because of that : ) just as much as i love you for accepting me the way i am and loving me anyhow, anyway.

I haven't met you yet, but i already love you. One day, Mr. Someone. When I meet you, i'm going to show you this blog post. It doesn't matter if its a laughable matter to those who read it now, its my way of preparing my heart for you. that i know, God is preparing you for me. And when we do meet, can i read this to you? and read it at our wedding too? :p

love,

Catherine

p.s. i love you

Remove Not

2009-12-02T22:46:00.004+08:00

Remove not these emotions that

you have placed within me

since the day I was created

Remove not the capability to feel happiness, hope,

determination, patience, love and thanksgiving

Remove not the capacity to feel compassion,

to feel that prick of my conscience to do

good and justice instead of evil

But most of all, remove not the ability to cry

when sadness sees fit for tears,

remove not the ability to feel sorrowful,

confused and lost at times

when my emotions seem to tether

between reality and a

self-conjured wall of security

Remove not the yearning to be

the person you want me to be and even more than that,

remove not the urge to make a difference in this life and

banish notions of wanting to just exist, breathe and eat

remove not these feelings that give me

a personality and character

That I may never lose the gift

you have placed within me

the difference that separates me from the animals and plants

You have given me a soul that is capable

of feeling the good and also the bad

a soul that rages against the unfairness of life

a soul that weeps when it is afflicted

a soul that learns day by day

to depend on you for renewal

restoration and redemption

Remove not the part of me

that makes me human, my friend

Remove not my feelings despite the pain

because without the pain

I would not have learnt to reach for you

for comfort and unfailing love

Remove not these feelings for they become

the stepping stones for me

stairways to honesty and acknowledgement

of the times when I fail

that you were there to accept

the wretched fool that I am

Remove them not, my friend

remove them not